Well we've just finished the second and final day of our adoptive parenting classes. Today was emotionally draining for me. There were a lot of difficult moments for me when listening to adoptees and birth parents discuss adoption from the perspective of those who lose the most through the process.
One thing we've known from the start is that adoption is built on loss. That doesn't make it bad or wrong in any way but it does make it emotionally challenging. Beginning this process--attending classes--has forced me to take a look on the inside and consider adoption from all the different perspectives.
There are so many unanswered questions and so much I need to figure out within myself in order to move forward. I think a lot of it will just get pieced together as we go along. I don't think all the details can be planned out since every situation is unique. I'm feeling quite antsy - I want to get all the paperwork done today so we can move forward as quickly as possible but by sheer volume that is impossible.
I am struggling with the fact that I am a finisher. I tend to be very task oriented and want to see projects through to completion once I start them. With adoption that is just something that cannot be done. It is not a fast or predictable process in any way so on a major level I have to LET GO and let whatever will happen happen. Needless to say that is hard for me. The process of letting go (in general) seems to be a recurring life lesson for me. Go figure.
I also struggle with the fact that Michael and I deal with this process differently. He is more laid back and able to view our tasks as things we'll complete when we have a chance whereas I want to get everything done NOW. Other days I'm also very laid back though so this feeling of needing to control and conquer the process comes and goes within me. I guess it's all normal and I just need to work through my feelings as they occur and literally go with the flow. I'm working on that.
Overall I do know that while our adoption journey will most certainly not unfold the way we think it will, it will happen when and how it should. I feel a great deal of comfort in that, even when I feel overwhelmed and stressed. More than anything that is what I took away from the classes we attended. A feeling of hope and faith that all will be as it should and that...is priceless.
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