January 11, 2007 - 12:29 p.m.
"I'm still not sure where I'm going - where my path will lead. I'm feeling pretty unsettled lately and I've been doing a lot of thinking. Last night I dreamt lucidly. I've been reading the little book Dad gave me about how to design your dreams. I went to sleep with the question of my life dangling on the edges--'when am I going to have a baby?' Then, though I don't remember the specifics of my dream, I woke up with the song, Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne in my head. And so I will. The part that was playing in my head as I woke up goes:Keep holding on
you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you.Sometimes I can't help but be amazed by the way my mind works. I know my dreams are somewhat generated by my daily existence, but that song immediately struck a chord with me the first time I heard it, and it's given me a lot of comfort as we've been dealing with infertility. I feel almost as though that message is coming from somewhere else--some other, higher place that knows music is one language to which I am highly in tune. Anyway, all I know is that I have a lighter step today than I have in a while, and it feels good.
~MSL, age 31
So...maybe my message can give you some comfort too? I had a conversation with a friend tonight, another adoptive mom, about how adoption doesn't fix infertility or heal all the pain, and how some of that is always and inevitably ingrained within us after the long, hard battle of infertility. That really made me think, and sort of put me back in that place of how hard it is to keep holding on. I hope you all know that you're not alone, and that I haven't forgotten how hard infertility is, or how hard waiting is. Even when you're down and out, and you feel like you can't take another day...keep holding on!