Dreams Really do Come True!

It's Been a While!

2011-12-02T23:32:00.001-05:00

It's been months since my last update so I actually doubt if anyone is even checking this blog much after my lengthy absence. My last post just happened to coincide with some fairly sudden significant life changes, namely that I was offered a job as a 1st/2nd grade teacher. This is my first year teaching and I also have another part time mentoring job on the side. I'm still occasionally doing portraits for friends when I can as well. All that is to say, I've been extremely busy these past months! In fact, I still am extremely busy and it's unlikely that I'm going to be jumping back into blogging regularly any time soon.

Still - the holidays are upon us and that always brings out my sentimental side. I just ordered our family Christmas cards and that made me think of last Christmas when Shutterfly did their big "free photo card" promotion for bloggers. At that time, I was blogging like mad. There are no free photo cards this year, but (how wonderful it is to say!) that's OK because greeting cards actually fit into our budget this year.

Additionally, we are speaking at the adoption agency again tomorrow and that always makes me think of blogging and the many stories I've related to...families I've connected with through this outlet. Blogging is so powerful and I do miss it. I think that some part of me will always be a blogger, even if I end up dropping that ball for the time being. I need to take some time to let things settle in my life and then figure out what parts of my personal life can fit where. As thrilled as I am to have found a teaching job (they are frighteningly scarce in my state,) it's still been a whirlwind that has left me in survival mode for the past several months.

I am exhausted and overwhelmed but happy and productive too. I guess that's about the gist of things! I hope all my fellow bloggers out there are doing well and I wish you all a happy holiday season!

5x7 Folded Card

2011-12-02T23:09:00.001-05:00

Bold Bright Joy Christmas Card

Seasons greetings with personalized Christmas cards from Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

To Blog or Not to Blog...

2011-08-26T23:03:00.000-04:00

...that is the question!

There was a time when I would've said blogging was in me - as in something I had to do, something about which I had no choice. I'm no longer sure that's the case but I do still enjoy blogging, when I have the time. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I'm not sure exactly where to go with my blogging. I love that I have so many followers, and I love (even more) the valuable connections I've made through this blog but...where should I go from here?

That's where you come in...

A fellow adoptive mom and good friend of mine, (see what I mean about the valuable connections I've made through blogging!) Wendy recently wrote a post and I've decided to follow her lead.

If you read my blog...

Can you take a moment to leave me a comment and tell me a bit about yourself? How did you find my blog and what has kept you interested in it? Did you adopt or do you have plans to do so? What other connections do you have to adoption? Is there anything you would like me to write about or write more/less about?

Thanks for the feedback!

When the Baby is Having a Baby...

2011-08-05T17:25:00.003-04:00

That's right folks, the baby of our family, my little sister, is pregnant!! I've known for quite some time but haven't really been prepared to share until now. I am very happy for her as I know the journey to this place was less than easy. While we definitely had a shared camaraderie in our experiences of infertility, I am so happy that her trip down that road has taken a different turn. I love that our family is still growing, and I am so excited that my sister will get to experience the awesome ride of motherhood along with us now.

I had an incredibly special experience a couple of weeks ago. I got to go to her prenatal doctor's appointment. We heard the baby's heartbeat (nice and strong at 138-142) for a couple of minutes. It was, quite simply, amazing. I never got to experience that with my own son (and I am genuinely okay with that) but because of my sisters, I have been able to have small glimpses of what it's like to grow a baby inside your own body. I'm so thankful to both of them for letting me experience, vicariously, some of the special moments that infertility tried to take away. I felt very similarly when my older sister let me feel one of her contractions as she was beginning to go into labor with my now two-year-old niece. All of the children in my life are extremely special to me and I love that our family is so close that I can be a part of their lives even before they are born.

It's so odd for me, for the baby of our family to be pregnant. She's always been the one we all looked out for. Not that we don't/won't do that now but she's doing this thing - this amazing thing that's so much bigger than all of us, and that I've never done. Pregnancy and preparation for motherhood requires her to be very much grown up and it's such a strange, yet beautiful thing for me to watch. I love my family and my sisters more than words can possibly express. This is an exciting time for all of us and I am so very thankful for the many blessings we have.

Reverse Terminology

2011-07-29T22:02:00.000-04:00

I had an interesting experience at the lake a couple weeks back. I was talking to a friend about his wife's adult-adoptee relationship with her birth family. He was saying how she and her birth mother are extremely close and talk on the phone almost every day. How they love to spend time together now that they've been reunited. It was making me feel kind of melancholy--just thinking about our son and how he may likely never have that experience. Plus, if I'm being honest, I was also thinking about the adoptive mom and what her feelings would be about her grown daughter having such a close relationship with her birth mom. Then, in what was an interesting reversal of terms, my friend said, "Of course she's still really close to her real parents too--you know, the ones who raised her." I thought it was kind of funny that he used the words, "real parents" to describe adoptive parents since there is such a stigma about that in the adoption world. Oftentimes strangers will ask, unwittingly, about our son's "real parents." I want to (and sometimes do) point out that we are right here--as real as can be, living life with our son day in and day out. They don't really mean anything by incorrectly using the term "real parents," they just want to know our story and don't really know how to ask. I do keep that in mind when such conversations arise, but I also think it's appropriate to do a little PAL (positive adoption language) education sometimes too.

Two Weeks Can Change a Child's Life

2011-07-13T15:07:00.004-04:00

I received an email recently introducing me to the Fresh Air Fund. If you've never heard of this, click on the link in this post or on my sidebar and find out more. You'll be glad you did. The Fresh Air Fund was created to help make a profound difference in the lives of inner city kids by giving them the gift of exactly that, fresh air.

The fund is still in need of host families for this summer but even if that's not something you can commit to right now, maybe you can help by donating funds or, like me, by simply spreading the word to others who may be able to help. If you watch even one of the video clips posted on the fresh air site, I think you'll agree that two weeks really can make a difference!

Talking About Adoption

2011-07-10T21:42:00.000-04:00

With a very verbal little man in our midst, it's become more important for me to get adoption on his radar screen. I've always used the word casually around him and tried to pepper our conversations with things like, "The day we adopted you was the best day of our whole lives." We look at his baby book together and he shouts, "doption day!" every time we come to that page but I've been thinking lately that we need more. It seems important to at least begin talking about this aspect of our lives and how we became a family more, now that he's beginning to ask questions and attempting to make some sense of the world. I do want him to lead the conversations and discussions we have as the years unfold; however, I also want him to know that adoption is a safe subject in our household and that he can always ask any questions that come to mind. According to an article I read last week, openly talking about adoption now, while he's young and still forming a framework with which to view the world is one key way to make that happen.

So we've been reading the book, "I Wished for You" by Marianne Richmond a lot, and I try to tell him our (similar though still unique) story in simple terms too. My good friend and fellow adoptive mama, Debbie has made several books for her little girl including their special story. I know they have been good conversation starters for Debbie and other members of her family, and I'm thinking I'd like to do the same sometime soon. The thing is, like all parenting, this is all a learning process and I'm figuring it out as we go along. It's sort of like an added dimension to his normal growth and development. An added thing I have to consider as he gets older and picks up more of what we say and do. All I know for sure is that I want our son to just know that he was adopted and that he had a special (though not better or worse) way of joining our family.

We Need Your Vote!

2011-06-27T13:38:00.002-04:00

Vote for us in the Parents Cover Contest! Our Beautiful Boy: Charlie is in the running to become a weekly Reader's Choice Winner! One winner will be chosen as a finalist at the Professional Cover Shoot! Vote now at http://photos.parents.com!" Thanks!!

P.S. You can vote once ever day until the contest ends on July 3, 2011. You can also vote mote than once by using any additional email addresses you have.

Three "B" Words

2011-06-24T15:19:00.002-04:00

We've been devoting a lot of time and energy to three little words in our house lately, all of which begin with the letter "b."

Big Boy Bed!

I've posted about this before, here and here regarding the issues with our little man and sleep. He is an amazing, wonderful, smart, funny, sweet little boy but sleep - or rather independent sleep - has always been somewhat problematic in our household. He wants to be where we (and the action) are, period. He sleeps beautifully, with us. It's been a big challenge for me. On one hand, I want him to sleep all night in his own room, but on the other hand, I have a lot of trouble with letting him CIO. I used to be a believer in CIO but then I read (maybe too much?) about attachment issues in adoption and I decided, unequivocally, that I want to do everything I can to help, rather than hinder that process in our lives. Some part of me still thinks we should just do CIO for two weeks and be done with it but, as I shared in my previous posts, that is excruciating for me. Our son is a strong willed little person and I have a (very large) soft spot for him!

In any case, this problem has ebbed and flowed in our lives since we became parents. He has always slept better when being held and he needed to be swaddled well past the six month mark, in order to get good sleep. During the latter part of my first semester of student teaching last fall, I basically gave up and started letting him sleep in our bed. Until that point, I had been trying to get him to sleep in his own room but, inevitably, one of us (usually my dear, sweet husband) would cave in and the little one would end up in our bed at some point during the night, usually on the earlier end. There came a point when I was simply too tired and I decided it was not an issue I was going to expend my energy on any longer. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I literally just gave up but it's the truth. Besides, some parts of the arrangement we had going were nice. With being so busy, I wasn't spending as much time with the little boy as usual so it was nice to have that extra cuddle time with him.

Buuuuut then it started affecting our marriage. We were irritable with each other & just not connecting the way we once had. It came to mind that some of the issues were stemming from our little bedroom invader. I'm not even talking about the private aspects of marriage here, although that was a factor too. The hardest part was that our simple cuddling/together time where we could reconnect with each other as mutual adults who share a partnership and love for an amazing little boy was nonexistent. For a time there, I felt that each of us had a great relationship with our son, but that our relationship with each other was taking a big back seat to our child. Heck, not even a back seat...more like a dangling from the tail pipe by a thread position. Not good.

So, that left only one option, do something about it. After some discussion, and yes, I'll admit it, even some arguing, we agreed that we had to tackle the bedtime issue. Michael works two jobs so I found that I was often the one trying to fix it all. Once I finally had the necessary conversation with Michael that we had to tackle the issue together as a team, things got much better. We still have our own unique nuances and ways of dealing with our son but we are a united front & Charlie is responding to that. I made/am making a big deal about us getting and staying on the same page because that was definitely a factor in letting this issue get out of hand. To tell the truth, we are just now coming out of that phase, and we're still learning how to get it right. We are both working hard to make sure our son's bedtime is routine, routine, routine.   So far...it seems to be working, mostly.

About two weeks ago, we took the side rail off his crib, made a big production of getting him new sheets and a pillow, read stories about bed time (in which I overemphasized kids sleeping in their OWN beds.) Now we start the bedtime process by around 7:30 most nights. We sit in his rocking chair while we read two stories, (sometimes with a perusal of his baby book thrown in too,) and sing three songs. He gets in bed & I tuck him in and he...usually...goes to sleep. Or I should say, he's starting to go to sleep. We started this new routine two weeks ago and we are just now breaking through to where the rhythm is setting in and we are getting less resistance. We had some rough nights there where it was taking him, literally, hours to fall asleep. Then I got a little smarter and started leaving the room. Sometimes he will try to get up and follow me, at which point I firmly tell him to get back into bed. I say, "Mommy loves you very much but it's time to go to bed now." He will ask us why he has to sleep in his own bed & I explicitly tell him, "Because Mommy & Daddy need Mommy & Daddy time; Charlie needs Charlie time." Sometimes he shakes his head repeatedly as he says, "No not a want to seep in YaYa own bed want to seep in mommy/daddy own bed." But, on some level, I think he's getting it. The consistency and repetition is helping.

I'll be honest and tell you that he still ends up making his way into our room by around 4:00 a.m. most mornings; however, I think the resolution of that will be phase two of this operation. For now, we're getting some much-needed time for us, he's sleeping better (if not perfectly,) and we are all feeling much happier now that we've resumed our efforts at dealing with the issues head on, together. It is taking, and will take time. This will probably be something with which we will struggle for several years. It is a learning process for all of us, and we are far from perfect. I think the important thing, which is the thing on which we are actually making headway, is to be able to strike a balance between meeting our son's needs and letting those needs govern our entire lives, even our marriage. I actually think he feels safer and more secure when there are some firm limits put into place, and when we have some expectations of him that are clearly identified, such as, "Charlie sleeps in his own bed because he's a big boy and big boys sleep in their own beds."

For now...we are getting there, one day at a time. I figured I should share some of what we've been doing/dealing with because I know there are others out there who struggle with some of these same issues. Getting enough, high quality sleep is so important, it affects every aspect of our lives. And yet, it's one of the things that is changed most profoundly when we become parents. We all deal with it on some level but when you have a child for whom sleep is problematic, the issues are tenfold. Here's to many peaceful nights ahead!

Spaghetti Arms & Meatball Hugs

2011-06-02T06:38:00.000-04:00

And just like that...the two-year-old shows his sunny side again. Last night while we were sitting at dinner, he literally had my face in his hands and was giving me kiss after kiss, right on the lips. It was the sweetest thing ever. Well, that is unless you count our recent game invention of "spaghetti arms & meatball hugs."

He has such sweet, skinny little arms that I started saying, "Give me spaghetti arms" when I wanted a hug because I love the way his arms feel as they wrap around my neck. Smart little chap that he is, he turned our new game from "spaghetti arms" into meatball hug. Now he will run up with his arms stretched out wide, wrap his adorable spaghetti arms around my neck and smush his cheek up against mine as he is saying, "meeebaaaa huuuuuug" over and over.

Now that, friends, for sure, is the cutest. thing. ever. Ahhh the joys of toddler-hood!

Flying Toys & a Fat Lip

2011-05-31T21:27:00.000-04:00

Well here we are again - and this time I feel even less like I know what I'm doing in this world of raising a very spirited, sweet, strong-willed little BOY. In this post I talked about how I'm trying to figure it all out when it comes to disciplining our son. That was almost exactly two months ago and let's just say...we are still learning.

In fact, this past Saturday can be summed up as one big, fat learning curve when it comes to the behavior of our child. He perplexes me because he is so quick to change between emotions. He will literally be happy one minute, then frustrated to the point of anger the next. What to do with that anger is the big challenge at the moment. He's having difficulty learning how to share and take turns without throwing toys, pulling/pushing, or grabbing. Some part of me gets it because, let's face it, sharing is not a natural human desire. Even we adults want what is ours most of the time. If it weren't for our parents and siblings enforcing these social niceties onto us as youngsters, we might not choose to share either. Heck, I know some adults who still do refuse to share, even if they were taught that they should.

None of that really matters though because we want our child to learn how to share, and to have manners and be a polite young man. Those things are extremely important to us as his parents so we will keep on fighting the good fight until the lesson sinks in. Helping him learn how to effectively express his anger is much harder than they make it sound in the books or in articles I've read online. I've tried showing him how to hit the couch pillows, or to give me a hug instead of throwing toys. Michael has tried teaching him how to give a high five when what he really wants to do is hit. Sometimes it works but usually only after he has already reacted in the negative way that we are trying to avoid. I realize he's young yet and maybe all this needs is more time and more consistency on our part but I will tell you what...this phase of him testing every limit and sometimes outright refusing to cooperate is exhausting. Exhausting & physically painful, too.

On Saturday night, he had already had two time-outs for throwing toys but we were at a house party and there wasn't a good place for me to put him that was away from everyone but not scary for him. The third time he got mad resulted in a fat lip for yours truly. You can see it if you look closely at the photo to to the right. When the piece of wooden train track went zinging into my lip, it was pretty shocking. I got rather mad at the little dude but hopefully I handled the situation at least reasonably well. I made him sit down between my feet for a minute, then I took him to the mirror and showed him my lip. I said, "Look Charlie, you did that when you threw your toy, that really hurt Mommy." At that point he looked a little sheepish & said, "No not a do dat" & looked away. Then I took him to Michael & walked away.

I've been reviewing the evening over and over in my head. It's so, so hard to be that parent...the one whose kid is out of control. There were a lot of kids there & they were all getting tired. Charlie himself, was tired after an afternoon birthday party & this evening house party, but still...there are only so many justifications and excuses that can be made for the kind of behavior he was exhibiting. One fellow mom did make me feel a lot better with the following statement:

"I've had several kids with this type of personality and our job as parents isn't to "squash" it, but to "mold" it. These stubborn, angry kids are the kids who will be our future leaders. It's okay to get angry...we have to teach them that how they react to that anger is what is important."

She at least made me feel like I'm somewhat on the right track with trying to help Charlie learn how to be mad, instead of just spanking or whatever. I know spanking is a controversial topic & it's not one I intent to delve into here but I just don't see how hitting him could possibly convey the strong, positive message we want to send him. For the time being, I guess we'll just keep on keeping on & keep on reminding our little boy of the things we feel are important& the values we want him to embrace.

Adoption Institute

2011-05-11T15:32:00.000-04:00

How did I get to this point in our adoption journey without knowing about this web site? I was listening to a recent NPR Talk of the Nation story about transracial adoption and they had the author of this web site on the show as a resource person. Very interesting. I'm still perusing but wanted to share for those of you who might find it useful!

Negative Connotations

2011-05-11T12:04:00.000-04:00

A couple times in the past week-and-a-half or so, I have literally cringed as I've heard the following statements:

"No, no don't eat the brown ones, those are yucky,"

"The green ones need water, if they don't get water they will shrivel up and turn brown like the other ones."

And from "My Many Colored Days"" a beloved children's book by Dr. Seuss: "Some days, of course, feel sort of brown. Then I feel slow and low, low down."

As the mother of a beautiful, brown boy, these things have raised questions for me. What am I supposed to do when our son starts making connections about the color of his skin and the negative connotations associated with that color? Frankly, they are everywhere once you start noticing them. Brown and black both have some very strongly negative associations. In our daily dealings with our little one, we do (and have always) incorporated as many positive connotations surrounding these colors as we can. For example, I will say, "Look at that beautiful, brown belly...I'm gonna' give it some kisses!" when I'm changing his diaper, amongst other things. But he is at a critical age right now. He is listening and picking up on everything we (and others) say as he tries to make meaningful connections about our world.

I don't think he has been harmed by any of these negative statements...yet. It's a tough realization for me that there will come a time when I won't be able to protect him from the flaws of our society, and from the things other people say. I've read "My Many Colored Days" hundreds of times over the years but only recently did I give any serious thought to the brown page.

I'm not even really sure where to go with this, it's just one my mind and something I need to think about more. There are some obvious things we can do, like make sure positive associations are made and reinforced whenever possible, especially within his everyday environments. Still though, this is one of those things that sort of caught me off guard. It simply wasn't something I ever had any reason to think about before. Now it is and I don't quite know what to think...

Our Birthday Boy

2011-04-28T06:56:00.195-04:00

Charlie is two today, I'm in disbelief. It's hard for me to grasp the fact that two whole years have gone by since the amazing little boy who is our son entered this world.

He changed our lives forever, in ways we never could've imagined. He has brought us so much laughter and happiness in such a short time, there are no words.

From those first days when I sat holding him and staring into his soulful, brown eyes to the sweet, funny, adorable little person he has become. Well quite honestly, the transformation amazes me.

His personality is endearing. He says the most adorable things these days and he understands so much. Yesterday I think I probably got 30 hugs, which is none too many. For a long time now he's been referring to himself as "Ya Ya" but that has begun to change (intermittently) to "Awie" as in, "Awie do it or Awie did it." I've been trying to write down as many of his little antics as I can...he certainly is good at cracking us up!

Here are some of my favorites, jotted down randomly in spare moments as they occurred:

Dees da eward, dat da doo-dy! {This is Edward, that's Judy} He says this when we're reading Firehouse, one of his all-time favorite books. It might not seem that funny, until you know that he's pointing to the opposite main characters in the book (Edward for Judy and Judy for Edward,) then looking back at me, grinning from ear-to-ear.

One two free hugs fu yoo a ah tis too! {One, two, three hugs for you and a kiss too} He will say this as he's running across the room to give me a hug. Totally melts my heart every time!

I wa cared or Mommy, I cared! {I was scared or Mommy, I'm scared} He says this often these days as he learns and experiences new things. Loud noises often startle him and he will run over to me saying this.

Up, up I waaa howd ju {Up, up - I want to hold you} This is one of my favorites and a part of me wishes he would never stop saying it! He knows it works on me too because he will often use this when we're sitting at the dinner table and he wants out of his high chair. Yeah...I'm a sucker! :)

Peppa-owni an a pizza {Pepperoni on a pizza} What can I say...it's pretty much his favorite food. Speaking of food...

Pees ockit or pees cany {Piece of chocolate/candy} He says this while pointing to the candy jar on our entertainment center. Thankfully, he still eats lots of veggies, protein and fruit so I can give in on the occasional treat.

Doobell! {Doorbell} He says this while running from person to person pulling up his shirt and showing off his belly button. I made up a game with him one evening where I pressed his "doorbell" and said "bing bong!" Apparently it was a hit...

Ohhhhhh ya! Said with exuberance any time we show him something new or point out something in the car or when we're out and about.

I cooood {I'm cold!} Usually said amidst tears at diaper tine. I think he really does get cold but I also think it's a ploy to not have to get his diaper changed. This one doesn't work so well.

Besh ooo, Mommy/Daddy {Bless you, Mommy or Daddy} Always said when we sneeze and often when we cough too. We've all been pretty sick around here for the past couple of weeks so I've been able to hear it a lot. Adorable!

Hey mom... _____ And fill in the blank with anything. He can be showing me something, saying hi to me, or asking me to read to him. It's super cute when he says this, but I'm not 100% thrilled about his switch from "Mommy" to "Mom." Luckily it's only occasionally for now.

Buckle Daddy... _____ {Michael Daddy} and again, you can fill in the blank with anything. We've tried all kinds of things to get him to stop calling Michael Michael but he is persistent. Hopefully it's only a phase.

Uh-Uh, no sir, Mommy! He says this when he really doesn't want to cooperate and it's so hard to keep a straight face. Through process of elimination, we figured out that his daycare provider tells him, "No sir" when she's really serious about disciplining him.
A few things that are new this week:

DVTV This is a combination of DVD and TV, I think. He received a Curious George DVD from my sister, for Easter and he's been saying this a lot since then. Speaking of Easter...

Eesah bunny come you kwuck steekers, ohhh ya! {The Easter Bunny came to see you and gave you some truck stickers, oh yeah!} He's been saying this repeatedly since Sunday. I should send the Easter Bunny a note and tell him that next year, truck stickers would be more than enough to fill up the basket. Made his day!

Ohh, I yuv et! {Oh I love it!} Said with exuberance any time he sees/gets something new. He said it a lot on Sunday as he opened his Easter baskets. I'm not sure where he picked this one up but I do love it!

Whuts inthayre or whut wa dat? {What's in there or what was that?} Apparently he's starting the questioning phase a little early. I thought this was more of a three-year-old thing but he says it in context. We were weeding the garden yesterday and he kept peering into the holes left by my weeder saying, "Whuts inthayre, Mommy?" I'm not sure I'm ready for this! Speaking of things I'm not quite ready for...

Uh-Uh, dat no yeyyo, dat owege!' {Uh-uh, that's not yellow, that's orange.} He said this the other night in the bath when we were looking at his Sesame Street bath book. I said, "Big Bird is yellow" and he shook his head, saying the above statement. Now it's his new joke to say, "Oweeeege!" any time we ask him what color Big Bird is.

So, as of today I am the proud mommy of one very amazing little two-year-old. If he were a weather forecast, it would say, "Sunny overall with a chance of sudden clouds." His mood changes fast these days and he's learning how to express his anger without throwing his toys or melting into a puddle of tears onto the floor. He learns tons every single day and sometimes keeping up with him takes all the energy I have. Still though, I wouldn't trade his hugs, kisses, and sweet giggle for anything in this world! With that, I shall leave you with some of his cuteness on video as he, "got eet!" when I blew bubbles for him yesterday. LOVE!

Two Books I No Longer Need

2011-04-12T21:59:00.024-04:00

I was looking through some old books in our shelves the other day and came across two that took me way back. Thankfully, they are books I no longer need.

The Infertility Survival Guide
The Infertility Survival Handbook

This made me realize that I absolutely do not miss those days, on any level. Even during this time of wanting to get the wheels turning on our family additions, I have zero desire to walk down that path again. My heart belongs to adoption now, and I am forever grateful for that. Not only for our precious son, but for the miracle that adoption has been in our lives.

That's all.

I'm Supposed to Know

2011-03-29T17:40:00.000-04:00

In a couple more weeks, I'll be graduating with my bachelor's in Elementary Education, along with an endorsement in Early Childhood Education. That part is absolutely thrilling, can't come soon enough! But that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is for me to tell you that my (not-quite) two-year-old is giving me a run for my money! I feel a bit like the auto-mechanic who can't fix her own car or the computer tech who can't fix his own hard drive lately. Caring for and disciplining young children is what I do. In some form or another, it's what I've always done. I know children naturally give their parents more grief than they give others. I know they test their limits at home more than any other place but wow...I never imagined being the parent of a toddler would be this challenging at times!

Our son is still the most precious and adorable bundle of joy I've ever laid eyes on but he is going through a n.a.u.g.h.t.y phase right now. When he was a baby, my younger sister said, "He's got a dimple. You know toddlers with dimples are always making trouble, right?" I wasn't expecting her to be correct quite so soon! His behavior is especially challenging for me because, in his typical all-boy style, he seems to actually enjoy getting into trouble. For example, he knows he's not supposed to eat crayons and yet every time we give him one, he puts it up to his mouth and grins mischievously. When I take the crayons away, he laughs. Given that, it's clear that the best plan of attack would be for me to ignore the unwanted behavior. That does work some of the time, but then he will intentionally do things he knows I can't ignore, such as standing up in his chair at the dinner table. The other night he was doing that and when I asked him to, "sit down or get down," he looked at me, grinned, and raised both of his little hands into the air. OK seriously?? It was all I could do not to burst out laughing but of course I had to maintain my composure.

I've been reading about discipline lately and I have found some techniques (more rules of thumb really) that I'd like to try to implement. The two that come to mind are, "The three C's - calm, caring and consistent" as well as the "90:10 ratio," which states that interactions with your child should be 90 parts positive and 10 parts negative or better. The thing is...these articles do not say anything I don't already know. My experience with theories is that they work wonderfully in a book, with the ideal child in mind. In practice, however, things are a bit more complicated. Interactions with real children are often more complex than the books can portray. It's frustrating to read or know something, then try it out and end up with a different outcome than you expected.

Consistency between caregivers is the other huge factor. For the most part, Michael and I do pretty well in this department; however, our little smarty has already figured out which parent to ask for which item. He knows, for example, that Daddy is more likely to turn on the TV than Mommy, or that Mommy is more likely to let him practice flushing the potty than Daddy. Did I mention he's not even two yet? He is definitely socially motivated. He picks up on our moods and our tones of voice quickly, probably even more so than we realize. He also dislikes being separated or withdrawn from others. These are things I'm trying to fit into the grand schema of our disciplinary plan for him. We're still navigating the waters and figuring it all out one day at a time but I'm trying to get it together.

In writing this post, I've just come up with the idea that I should try to think of myself as a parent in my classroom. What advice would i give myself if I could be on the outside? Hmmm...that's going to require more thought on my part but it's an interesting idea. For now, I think it also bears mentioning that as naughty as he can be, our little one is also still quite sweet. Every time I cough or sneeze he says, "besh ooo Mommy" and just about melts my heart. It's all really about balancing between and navigating the (often abrupt) changes in his demeanor. He's definitely a smart, strong-willed, funny, strong, sweet little boy. The key is helping him (which will inadvertently help us) to become the best he can be. A tall order but I'm trying...

And the Winner is...

2011-03-14T15:14:00.000-04:00

Hi Friends,

I just entered the numbers at Random.org and the winner of the CSN Stores Giveaway is...Katychick! Congratulations to you and thanks to everyone who entered. I'm so grateful for the connections I've made through blogging and for all of you...my loyal readers and new followers alike!

{Katychick, I will be sending you an email shortly with your promo code and a few more details.}

Happy Blogging,

Two Minutes = Trouble!

2011-03-03T00:20:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I think we've given our son the wrong middle name. Sometimes I think his middle name should have been Trouble! Seriously? The scene you see to the left is what happened last night, in the two minutes it took me to realize I had forgotten to close the bathroom door on my way to make dinner. It took some effort on my part to remember to take a deep breath and relax. All I can say is, thank goodness for plungers!

Of course, once I got over my initial shock at the boy's toilet paper experimentation, the only natural thing to do was to laugh...and grab the camera, of course! You can tell by the change in his expression that Mommy lightened up a bit. Still, I think we've learned a valuable lesson at our house: Toilet paper stays off the roll for the foreseeable future! To his credit, at least he's not scared to flush the toilet. That is one potty training hurdle we will not have to overcome!

CSN Stores Giveaway! {Contest Closed}

2011-03-01T22:57:00.003-05:00

Drum-roll please...welcome to my first-ever blog giveaway!!

Spring fever is in the air and I've been daydreaming about some ways we might improve the functionality of our house. Although I'm still swamped with school work right now, I will be graduating in less than two months! Once I do, it's time for some TLC at our place. One plan I have is to clean and organize our basement office. I love the idea of an L shaped desk, which would allow us to use our (limited) space in a much more efficient manner!

The awesome people at CSN stores have decided to sponsor a blog giveaway and are providing me with a $20 promotion code that YOU can use on any of the (more than 200) stores on their site.

As I said, I've been doing some daydreaming and here are a couple of ideas of how I would spend that $20:

Pyrex storage set x 2! These are some of the best food containers I've ever used. One of the moms for whom I used to nanny often sent lunch for her daughters in these. Since C. started daycare, I've frequently wished I had some of my own to use for his lunch bag.

Preschool hammer peg toy by Plan Toys. C. is in love with anything he can use to make noise &/or bang on furniture. With his 2nd birthday right around the corner, I'd love to get him this gift & I'm pretty sure he'd love to receive it!

So here are the contest details, I will be doing a random drawing for the $20 promotional code. The drawing will begin on Wednesday, March 2 and end on Sunday, March 13 at midnight.

Entering the contest is simple and there are a couple of ways you can participate.

Required:
1. Become a follower on my blog or tell me you already are. If I don't know you, introduce yourself!
2.Go to the CSN web siteand do a little daydreaming of your own, tell me what you would get with the $20.

Optional:
1. Like CSN on facebook

For each one you do, leave me a comment that includes your email address!

The giveaway will close March 13 at midnight. The winner will be generated via Random.org and posted the next day. Have fun and good luck!!

Beautiful Boy!

2011-02-28T23:51:00.153-05:00

It's been a long time since I've written an update about our little man, which is exactly what he's become! Our house is a joyful whirlwind most of the time these days. He's 22 months old today. That means he will turn two in exactly two months. That is crazy to me, where has the time gone??

His is a smart little guy...and funny too! The other day, we were sitting in the car waiting for M. to come out of work. C. was about 1/2 way through the apple he was eating when he handed it to me, seeds exposed, and said, "Ewwww Mommy, poop! Yucky!" Needless to say, he wouldn't eat any more of the apple after that. lol

One day last week, I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes when it suddenly dawned on me that I was talking to C. at eye level. Little stinker had emptied out one of his toy baskets and pulled it over to the counter when I wasn't looking. He wants so badly to be like us and to do everything we do, it's quite endearing and also quite frightening. He has such a mischievous, playful personality...sometimes it seems that he almost enjoys getting into trouble. Speaking of, we've started (loosely) using time outs lately and they seem to be working. We try only to put him in a time out when he is hurting someone or himself or for the worst infractions of him not listening to our requests. He really hates being excluded from the action & doesn't enjoy being ignored so this method of redirection is effective for him. One minute can seem like a long time when your little boy is crying as if heartbroken. Ahem. Yes, I daresay someone has his parents pretty much where he wants them.

He's very interested in how things work these days. He loves opening/closing things any time he gets a chance. Doors, jars, bottles, cabinets, drawers...you name it. Zippers and buttons fascinate him right now too but they sometimes also frustrate him when he isn't successful. Speaking of frustration, that happens semi-often too these days, although it's getting better. We've been working with him to get him to say, "Help Mommy" or, "Help Daddy" when he's frustrated, instead of throwing a fit. We're getting there but sometimes he forgets, especially when he's hungry or tired.

Really, every day with him is something new. I'm continually amazed at all he learns and all he can do...I absolutely love hearing his little voice as he learns new words and phrases. I'm not sure where he even picked it up but today it was, "Oh dea!" repeated time and again, followed by peals of laughter. For some reason, that really struck his funny bone. We repeated it for him countless times just to hear that contagious laugh of his. He's getting pretty good at communicating these days. He regularly speaks in 3-5 word sentences & will usually tell us exactly what he wants. Today I was playing "tick-tock" with him as I swung him back & forth. When I stopped he said, "Mo, Mommy. Mo ick ock!" I obliged, of course! He loves to count too and will often count when we go up and down steps or when I'm giving him goldfish. He can count to ten & usually does so successfully but sometimes it's, "1...2...3...4... 5...6...7...4...5...6...7...8...9...10." He also knows the names of all his characters in both Thomas the Train & Bob the Builder. He is often heard running around the house talking about "Weasle Teeen, Pecy, Thomeees, Aewy, Buwt, Deisyy, Bob a Biwdew and so on..."

Earlier this week he learned the word okay but he pronounces it "hoakey." He will excitedly say, "Mommy, I waaaa wach weasle teeen!" (which comes out sounding like one big run-on word) and before I can even answer it's, "Hoakey Mommy!" over and over. Pretty much if he wants us to say, "Okay Charlie" to him he's excitedly chanting his version to us. He also uses okay in the other correct context. For example, last night as we were lying on the bed he pulled my hair. Then, ever so gingerly, he leaned over and in the sweetest toddler voice you can imagine said, "Hoakey Mommy?" Needless to say, I didn't get too mad at him for not being nice to mommy. :)

Obviously I could go on and on about this little person. He is pure joy to me; wrapped up in a sweet, cute, mischievous, sometimes stinky, often sticky, but always lovable bundle of 100% boy! Every time I have the thought that I couldn't possibly love him more, a new day dawns and I am once again amazed by the depths of my emotions for our precious little man.

(The Absence of) Sunshine & Roses

2011-01-23T23:21:00.002-05:00

Well friends...it's been a long time since I've really written much here. Mostly that's because of how busy I've been but it's also because I tend to get stuck when I'm struggling. It's hard for me to push aside the old adage, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Struggling may be too strong of a word for my state of being lately anyway. I know I'm not really struggling in the sense that some people are. There are many things in my life for which I am extremely grateful.

Still, my bloggy friend, Rachel kind of hit the nail on the head for me in her post (written a while back) called, "Life is Messy." Boy isn't it! And Rachel's point is her post is that we all try to pretend that our lives aren't messy but that in so doing, we neglect to tell our true stories, to show the nitty gritty reality of who we really are. I think she's absolutely right but I also think it's hard to let that messiness show. At least it is for me.

In any case, here's my attempt at telling the truth...at sharing my messiness with others so that maybe {?} they will learn something from my journey here.

So what is the truth...my truth? One place so start is that it's not all glory - I love my child but being a mommy is not all sunshine and roses. There are times when I really question myself as a mom, especially now that our son is a walking, talking toddler. I used to think I knew what I was doing with children...until I had a child! Now I just think parenting is a much harder job than you can ever really prepare yourself for. There are good days and bad days and there are many beautiful moments along the way but being a good mom (what is a good mom, anyway?} is hard work!

And...while being a "good mom" is one of the very most important things I do, it is only one of the things I do. Some days the stress of keeping it all together (even when I'm not keeping it all together) is simply overwhelming. Our house is often a mess, our dogs need more attention than they get, there is a garage full of clutter attached to our house, there are so many red blinking lights on my never-ending to-do list that sometimes the best I can do is to allow myself to take a nap. Now there you go, that's messy...but it is my truth.

Then there's money and our stress surrounding the current lack of it in our lives. This past year, having no more loan money for the completion of my education and no consistent income on my part. Well, it's been hard. There have been several times when I wasn't sure if we would make it through. But we always do make it, largely because my parents have helped us tremendously when it comes to making ends meet. But that's messy! I'm a 35 year old woman who is still in college and still relying on her parents to help meet expenses. As thankful as I am for their unending support, borrowing from them the way we've had to doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel like a heel.

Speaking of that education I mentioned above...it is taking FOR.EVER! I know I only have a few more months to go until I graduate and I know that time will FLY by but I have been at my whits end with this chapter of my life for longer than I can even say. I don't regret making the decision to go back to school and become a teacher, I think that's a good fit for me. But I also didn't imagine it taking this long or being this expensive, this draining for us. We are tough and we are sticking it out but Michael and I have both been pretty extensively stressed this past year and it's largely due to the fact that I'm still in school and I don't contribute enough to our financial house. I am exhausted just thinking about all the hurdles we've had to overcome. It seems there's always something unexpected that crops up and throws a wrench in things. And messy? What about the job market out there? As much as I can't wait to graduate, I'm terrified to be a job hunter in this climate. There simply isn't much out there when it comes to the teaching field in my state, and we're not in a position to consider moving. It's really alarming to consider the what-ifs in case I can't find a job. I really can't even go there at this point.

Lastly (for this post anyway) there is my relentless and exhausting yearning for more. More what, you ask? Well...more children, of course. I know that with the current state of things in our household I really have no business even thinking about adding to our family at this point. I know that in my brain but try telling that to my heart. I've had several stern conversations with her and she just keeps right on with her unreasonable demands. And what is it with human desire? Why do we always want more than we have? A big part of me feels guilty for even longing for another child. For years I prayed and begged God that if he would only give me ONE child, I would be eternally happy. Plus, I know firsthand how hard it is to not have any children and be wanting them. From that position, it is almost unbearable to hear someone say they want another child, to hear someone complaining about that. And yet, here I am wanting more...talking about wanting more. The truth is though, that I can't deny that part of myself. I DO want more. I have always wanted kids (plural) and I want our son to be a brother. Honestly, right now, I'm just not sure where it all fits. My desires pitted against our reality. Unfortunately, reality wins hands down (for now) but that doesn't change how I really feel in my heart of hearts. It doesn't make all the announcements of "seconds" from the families of children who are exactly (or close to) our son's age any easier to read/hear. I'm not bitter in any way, I am very thankful for what we do have; however, there is a part of me that still does (and probably always will) resent the people out there who can just get a whim to have a baby one day and then they are pregnant the following weekend. Not that I'm even wanting pregnancy, don't misunderstand...but I do want to have a bigger family and it is not going to be an easy process by any stretch of the imagination.

Today is More...

2011-01-17T11:41:00.001-05:00

...than a day off. Its a day we should stop and think about the problems MLK Jr. tried to solve & what WE are doing about them. He gave his life to try to find a better way. He made a profound difference to many but his time here was WAY too short. One of my favorite sayings is also some good food for thought:

Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?' ~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Sometimes I don't do enough for others, which is something I'd like to change. It's not easy to step outside your own comfort zone but that's what we all need to do if we want to see real change in this country. We're all so busy these days that we often don't even take the time to afford each other common courtesy. Even that is not enough but it's a place to start.

2010 Creme de le Creme

2011-01-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

Check out what I found! If you're looking for some new reading or just want to spark your old blog flame, this is the place to be!

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2010

Christmas Joy

2010-12-26T08:43:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure it doesn't get a whole lot better than this! Festive decorations, amazing family, toddler wonderment, great food, awesome gifts, and Daddy's birthday celebration to top it off. Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

A Letter from Christmas Past

2010-12-23T01:04:00.000-05:00

Charlie's second Christmas is only a couple of days away. Time has flown by so very fast lately, I'm left with the distinct sensation of a spinning frenzy of activity akin to a blizzard. How is it possible, already, that this is my second Christmas as a mama? I can still so acutely remember the sadness that came with the holidays for me, through the waiting years...through my time before Charlie. But that is gone for me now. Gone but not forgotten. Never forgotten. I've been thinking lately about what it all means. Seeing the Christmas lights sparkle and reflect in our son's beautiful eyes really makes me think about the magic of Christmas. For me it is and always has been about the children. That's a big part of the reason why waiting, especially during the holidays, was so very difficult for me. I wanted a child so badly so that I could see and relive that wonder and joy through his eyes. Now that we have the child with whom to share the joy of this incredible time of year, I find myself reaching back into the past and remembering what it was like before he came along. If I could have known then what I know now, what would I have said to myself? What advice would I have given? What would I have done differently?

I guess part of my reflective state is due to the face that my baby sister is currently in the beginning stages of her own journey through infertility. I wish it wasn't the case. I wish pregnancy would come easily for her and that I didn't have to see her struggle. But I'm also glad we have each other and...at the risk of sounding narcissistic...I'm glad she has me. Those of us who have navigated the waters know that they can be very cold and lonely at times. I hope I will be able to lessen her burden a bit, simply because I've been there and I remember.

So what would I have said to myself back then, if I could've had a glimpse into this future...if I could've known what I know now?

.....................................................

Dear Melba,

Smile! Put on your coat of Christmas cheer for the world to see! Your time will come, you will be a mom!

Right now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and experience this moment. Relax. Just breathe. If you are sad, it's OK. Feel sad...it will help you to pave the way for all the love that's going to pour forth from your heart the first time you hold your sweet son and kiss his tiny baby cheeks. You will love him more than you can even possibly imagine right now. He will color your world in ways you never thought possible. He will bring joy back to you and multiply it by 1,000. You have no idea what being a mom will be like. It's not something you can know before it happens to you. I will tell you that it's not as easy as you think it is right now. It is rewarding and beautiful in many ways but it is also challenging and overwhelming in many ways. You will be a good mom but you will also make a lot of mistakes and you will often wonder if you're doing things right. You will question yourself more than you think you will and you will worry about that boy, despite your best efforts at putting that aside. So...be sad and feel the pain as it is needed now, it must serve some purpose for you. But also try to stay awake and alive to NOW. Try to remember that for better or worse, every day does count. Who you are today does matter tomorrow. Give your husband a hug and tell him how much he means to you. Tell him how much you cherish the time you have together. Embrace that and hold it close. Your baby will change your marriage. In many ways he will strengthen it but he will also bring new challenges and new expenses that will require some adjustment for both you and Michael. He will make you stretch and expand, in ways both pleasant and problematic.

What I really want you to know...to understand...is that you have to be alive NOW. One day in the not-so-distant future, you will look back on these times and you will wonder why you spent so much of your time feeling sad. You will never forget how hard infertility and the waiting part of the adoption process were but you will wonder why you let those things encompass so much of your being. So again I say to you, Melba...smile! Tuck the sadness away and use it when you need it but don't let it overpower you. You have to struggle some now so that you will appreciate more later but you have my permission to feel hopeful, alive and happy right now, too!

Sincerely,

Your not-so-distant future self...

Our 2010 Christmas Card

2010-12-11T14:24:00.003-05:00

Oh What Fun Christmas 5x7 folded card

Make a statement with personalized Christmas cards at Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

1000 Words

2010-11-21T12:33:00.000-05:00

You know that old saying about a picture being worth a thousand words? Well I think it's true around this time of year more than any other. Gone are the days of old fashioned Christmas cards that were the holders of carefully cut school pictures of the children. While those were great in their own way, I would always end up keeping the pictures on my fridge for a few months and then covering them up with more current fridge-fluff. These days, old fashioned holiday cards have been replaced by an even better treasure, a card that IS a picture! Anyone who knows me, or who has followed this blog for any length of time knows that I love pictures. I love taking pictures, looking at pictures, giving photo gifts and especially receiving photo cards from friends and family! In December with the cards begin rolling in, I love the way my hutch looks, all decorated with the beautiful faces of friends and family, shining out from the cards they send.

In my opinion, Shutterfly is the ultimate holiday greeting card provider. Not only do they have promos and specials that run throughout the year, they also have great deals for the holidays. Their user-friendly interface makes selecting and designing the perfect photo card a snap. With Shutterfly at your fingertips, you can send cards that are worth a thousand words this holiday season! Check out the one I love most, I can't wait to design this with my own photos and send it out to everyone on my list this year. The whole process is exciting to me! Now that we are a family of three, it is so thrilling to be able to send the kind of updates I always love to receive. Having a beautiful baby boy makes meaningful gift giving that much easier. I know his family in Scotland will LOVE to receive the photo calendars I plan to create for them this year. Check out Shutterfly’s great selection along with this really cool promotion, especially for fellow bloggers.

Panda Go Panda

2010-11-03T21:17:00.000-04:00

Hello, Dear Blogosphere!

Sad to say but I've basically given up on updating the blog this semester. There's just not enough time left over after my days end right now. Still, I couldn't resist sharing a few of my favorite pictures from this past weekend. Out little guy was a panda bear for Halloween this year and we had a great time taking him out trick-or-treating. :) Hope you had a happy and safe Halloween too.

Things That Go Bump in the Night...

2010-10-10T18:06:00.002-04:00

...or "Why You Should Always Clean Up All Toys After the Toddler Goes to Bed!"

We had a bit of a scare in the middle of the night last night. Michael tripped on a toy, while holding Charlie, and fell. I had just fallen asleep and was at the beginning of a dream when I heard my husband screaming (and swearing, though I'll leave that part up to your imagination) along with a lot of loud bumps/bangs and some seriously intense baby crying. I jumped out of bed and was in the hallway before my brain could even comprehend what was happening. My heart was racing so fast I could feel it banging in my chest. When I saw my husband lying there, Charlie standing, in tact, beside him, I wanted to scream too. His legs were in Charlie's room and his head was in the corner of our hall closet, where the door meets the wall. I picked Charlie up and checked that he was OK. Thankfully he was, even though he was still crying a lot. His little heart was pounding too. At the same time, I was asking Michael if he was OK and what had happened. He was responding to me, which I knew was good. I offered him my hand and tried to pull him up but he said no. I stood there for a minute or two watching him. I didn't quite know what to do. I was really scared that he might have seriously injured (as in broken) his back or neck. I went and sat down on the toilet so I could try to think calmly and assess the situation. We were talking the whole time but I'm not sure what exactly was being said. I finally got Charlie to calm down enough to stop crying and we just sat there, a little shocked. Michael managed to get up and limp back into our bedroom. I followed him and asked, again, if he was OK. He asked me if his foot was bleeding and I looked at it and saw that it was. He cut the bottom of it pretty badly, though we're still not sure exactly how. I cleaned and bandaged his foot, making sure that the bleeding had stopped. He said his elbow, head, neck and back were also hurting. I asked him a few questions to make sure he was thinking clearly. His elbow was grazed pretty badly with a red friction burn on it. There were no other visible injuries so my main concern at that point was whether or not he had a concussion. We waited a few more minutes and I asked him if he thought we should go to the ER. He said no, that he just needed some Tylenol and water. I got those for him and also cleaned up the blood from the floor. We all tried to lie back down but after that adrenaline rush, none of us could truly relax again for quite some time. We finally did manage to fall back asleep, though I'm not sure how long it took.

Things seem to be almost back to normal today but Michael is definitely bruised and sore. He said that when he fell, the only thing he could think of was not falling on top of Charlie. He basically did a complete turn and landed flat on his back in order to protect the boy. I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I am that this incident wasn't so much worse. It certainly could have been, on many levels. We usually do a reasonable job of picking up all the toys after Charlie goes to bed but once in a while there is a toy here or there. Hard to imagine that one erstwhile plastic truck can create such distress. I'm feeling pretty relieved and thankful for my little family today, I just hope Michael feels better soon.

17-Month-Olds Are Sweet...

2010-10-02T17:21:00.003-04:00

...or at least ours is. These are the kind of encounters we have on a regular basis these days. Now that our lives have changed, I miss my time with the little one more than words can express but the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is certainly holding true for us. He wants me as much as I want him after we've spent the whole day in separate places.

It's been a while since I've posted an update about the little man. He's growing like a weed and we have so much fun these days. He seems to pick up new words and abilities daily. His favorite things at the moment are to open and close all sorts of things; doors, bowls with lids, water bottles, bottles with flip caps, you name it. He still hasn't figured out how to screw tops back onto bottles or open doors that are already closed but he's actively working on it. I love his little face when he's concentrating. He squats down, sticks just the tip of his tongue out and his breathing slows. I've tried, unsuccessfully, to capture this expression on "film" but here's an almost shot:

He's so precious, there are absolutely no words for how much I love this little person. Last night when Daddy got home from work, Charlie was sitting on his lap. Daddy said, "Charlie, what color is Daddy's shirt?" to which Charlie replied, "ojamonge" We both got a good laugh at his unique pronunciation of the word "orange." He also says "beeoooou" for blue and he will sometimes say "ed" for red but not always on cue. Our days right now are absolutely flying by and that's hard. One part of me can't wait for next April because it means I'll finally be graduating but the other part wants to slam on the brakes because April also means we'll have a little two-year-old in our midst. Hard to imagine that but I know it will happen fast.

He's also developing quite the little sense of humor lately. He's always been a face-maker but now that he's learned he can make people laugh with his antics, they are a regular part of his repertoire. LOVE!

Transitioning

2010-09-13T21:26:00.003-04:00

Well, we're on to week two of me being out of the house five days a week now. It's been eons since my last post but there are good reasons for that, even though tonight is not the night I plan on spending time going into them. :) Suffice it to say, we have been busy but (almost entirely) in a happy, productive sort of way.

We had a great family vacation week at the end of August that closed the books on summer for us. I'm hoping I'll be able to find time to write and/or post pictures about that sometime soon but we'll have to see.

So far, things with the new schedule/routine are going well. Charlie has cried every morning I've dropped him off at day care so far, which is excruciating for me. Even though I know he's completely over the sadness before we even get out of the neighborhood, I hate walking out the door when he's upset. He's also been thrilled to see us when we come to get him each afternoon, which is so very rewarding for the mama in me. The hours in between seem to have gone very well, from what I can tell. His caregiver sent some pictures home today and it was really nice to see him smiling and happy. He's eating and sleeping with no issues while he's there so I'd give the whole arrangement a pretty high rating so far...even though it is still hard for me to be leaving my baby boy every day.

Speaking of me, I haven't figured out what, if anything I plan to write publicly about my student teaching experiences. I've been writing feverishly in my paper journal but feel a little apprehensive about sharing information out here, where (literally) anyone can access it. I may change my mind and do a weekly synopsis on my other blog though, I'm just not sure yet. From the big picture perspective, things are going very well. I'm really loving the children. Five and six year-old kids are some of the sweetest there are. I'm learning a lot and staying extremely busy, to the point that I'm literally collapsing into bed by about 10:00 every night.

Regarding the little one and the drama surrounding sleep that I left hanging from my last post, things have gotten better but the problems are not resolved. All of your comments were very helpful and very much appreciated so thank you. I think I've stopped beating myself up and feeling as though I should be able to do better, which has alleviated some of the stress. I'm just trying to focus on our son and his needs and let those lead the way. At some point, he will sleep through the night without needing reassurances from us and until then...well, it could certainly be worse!

For the time being, I'm soaking up every single moment I can get with him. The little man seems to learn something new and get a little bit cuter every single day.

Three Minutes

2010-08-19T22:26:00.001-04:00

How long is this going to take? How old will our son be before he sleeps through the night comfortably? I've hesitated in writing this post for a long time because, quite honestly, I don't want or need the judgment of any other moms about this topic. I'm already stressed enough without hearing the opinions of everyone else on what I should be doing or how I should do things differently.

We've been struggling with sleep, off and on, pretty much from eight (or so) months forward. As soon as we tried to start getting C. to go to sleep on his own, it became a problem. It hasn't been a problem throughout every stage and we have had some successful periods with him sleeping through the night for enough nights that I think we've finally broken through. Then something changes (illness, schedule change, etc.) and the struggle starts again. I am fully aware that we have played into this problem in some ways. The simple truth is that neither one of us is good at letting our baby cry. There are many factors that go into this. First is the fact that we waited so long for him. We've already spent enough nights with empty arms and sad hearts. Listening to our little one cry while we sit in another room, miserable at the sound of his angst, is not something either of us has ever dealt with well. Couple that with the fact that our little boy, with very few exceptions, is always happy and you can see why it's been a challenge. When he does get upset, he's dramatic. He gets huge crocodile tears that melt your heart and make you want to do anything to make them stop. He knows how to push our buttons well and push them he does. None of that is to say though, that we haven't done some things "by the book," so to speak. We've always had a simple bedtime routine and we've tried to stay consistent with things like how long we are willing to let him cry, what we say when we go in to comfort him and so on. Some might think of us as coddlers but the bottom line for me has always been that I want to parent from an attachment standpoint. From an adoption perspective, attachment is critical. From the moment I laid eyes on our tiny baby, I knew that if there was one thing I didn't want to mess up, that was it. To that end, we have been highly successful; however, C's sleeping habits have been another matter.

None of this is new to me. I "helped" all of the parents of former children I cared for get their babies to sleep by telling them to let the babies CIO, within reason. Now I'm wondering if I didn't make things harder for them. Knowing what I know now about being a mom, I can't help but wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut back then. I don't think our efforts with C. have been an utter failure. He does sleep, he just wants someone to be there with him. Somewhere along the way, my emotional connection to him got the better of my rational reasoning about how to sleep train a baby. One thing I've learned is that the very act of being the parent of another human being is rather irrational at times.

All that said, and with all the ups and downs of this whole process, things have gotten much worse in the past week or so. I think lots of things are going on. I think C. is entering a new stage of cognitive development in which he is more aware of our interactions and he's testing his limits, testing us to see what happens when... I also think he may be teething and/or growing, which can both cause disruptions in sleep patterns. Add to all that the fact that he will be starting daycare in a couple of weeks, (and you all know how I feel about that) which has made me want to work that much harder to get him to sleep peacefully on his own. Whew! Well, it's not that hard to see why the whole thing has gone "tits up" to coin a lovely phrase my husband likes to use when things are really a mess.

So that brings us to tonight. I am on the verge of tears as I type this right now. I just let our son cry himself to sleep for 57 minutes. You read that right, three minutes short of AN HOUR. Now I'm thinking, "What have I done?" I'm a horrible mother...he's going to be scarred for life...on and on. My rational mind knows he will be fine. It knows that even if my decisions tonight were a big, fat mistake (which they quite possibly were) he will survive. What was that thing about motherhood being irrational again? Well...you get the point. He did cry himself to sleep. He did eventually give up. The interminable question though, is should I have let him? I honestly just couldn't do it anymore tonight. The past couple of weeks, particularly the past three days or so have been exhausting. Last night I was up until 1:00 with him and then by 4:45 he was in our bed. He hasn't been napping well either, sleeping in 20-40 minute spurts. So on one hand, we have an exhausted baby who is clearly not his typical, happy self, coupled with a mama who just needs a break and on the other hand we have a baby who has to scream for nearly an hour before finally falling asleep. Do you see why this is so hard for me? Why it seems that either way I go is wrong? I don't want to coddle him to the point that he thinks he can manipulate us and that he won't nap at daycare...but I'm also not at all happy with letting him cry for that long. In fact, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to do that again, unless I go outside or something.

I guess the decision of where to go from here will have to be based on what happens next. Will he make it through the night because he cried himself to sleep, or will it not really matter? Will he wake up happy and refreshed, or will the screaming resume the second he opens his eyes? After reading this article and post on Ashely's blog the other day, this has been on my mind a lot. In any case, it's neither here nor there. I did what I thought was best tonight, and now I'm second guessing myself like crazy. There en lies part of the problem. I need to make up my mind on how we're gong to handle the current problems we're having, then we need to be firm and consistent until this phase passes. I know that in my rational mind but well...what was that thing about motherhood being irrational?

My final thoughts on this are that every child is unique, and as such, they each have unique needs. Child and parent relationships are unique too, which certainly factors into the equation. I think I used to think, before becoming a mom, that this wasn't that difficult. That if you did basically the same thing with any kid, sleeping would become a non-issue. Only now can I see how wrong I was. How hard this is from the parenting perspective. Knowing C. as I do, I realize he is an exceptionally people-oriented child. He is always in tune to people and what they are doing, saying, etc. He is a social butterfly. I honestly think, on a primal level, he doesn't want to be alone. Therefore, I think that for him, sleeping through the night is harder than it might be for some other children. Perhaps that's just me justifying the situation in which we now find ourselves, I don't know. The bottom line though, is that I do know my son better than anyone else out there and I know what does and doesn't work for him...for us. Now I just have to pair that with my knowledge of child development and my prior experiences and we should be able to solve this problem yet. There...maybe a little positive energy will go a long way. I certainly hope so because I am pooped!

Beating a Dead Horse

2010-08-16T13:21:00.000-04:00

I talked recently in this post about how I'm struggling with the fact that I'm about to be a full-time (unpaid) working mama here in a few weeks. Well the dread continues. It's so strange because I feel so split in two different directions. One part of me wants to run (not walk) toward the opportunities that await me and the other part wants to drag my heels hard so I can hold onto now a little bit longer.

I know I'm beating a dead horse by constantly lamenting about the impending changes in our lives. I know the only way for me to make peace with all this is for it to happen and for everything to be fine. I know I just have to suck it up and get over the fact that someone else is going to have almost as much time with my son every week as I have with him. That is much easier said than done though. Even knowing I really like the woman who will be caring for him, it's so difficult for me to let go and trust the fact that he will be fine and he will adjust to our new circumstances. I'm even dreaming about all this repeatedly, which is a sure sign of how much it's bothering me.

To be honest, I don't even know why I'm writing this post. I don't expect any comments because I know they won't really help anyway. You guys have already said all there is to say--the only things that can be said. I'm not going to feel better about this until after about a week of living through it. Even then it will still be hard but it won't feel quite so all-encompassing. *sigh*

Another Blogging Buddy

2010-08-14T15:57:00.000-04:00

This past Wednesday, I had a chance to meet up with Wendy and her daughter, Zoe. Wendy's blog is one I've been following for quite a while now, throughout their adoption journey and into the beautiful family life they have now. There's something so remarkable about getting to physically meet someone who, for all intents and purposes, you already know really well. There is a transformation that happens throughout the adoption process, and when that 's shared through writing, there is a kinship that is unparalleled in other encounters. Wendy and I talked about the fact that, even though our IRL friends do mean well and do try to understand, there is just something about the world of adoption that they can't break into without having experienced it first hand. It's comforting to spend time around other people--other moms--who don't have the same questions and misconceptions that are all too prevalent in so many other situations. We had a great day, hanging out at the Ann Arbor Hands-On Museum and then enjoying lunch at Zingerman's Delicatessen, followed by lots of great conversation while we waited out the afternoons' torrential downpours to subside.

We had a great day and considering we were accompanied by two little ones, we were able to talk quite a bit while the babies played or sat in our laps. Great times!

A Trip to #2 Hippo Way

2010-07-30T22:28:00.010-04:00

When Charlie was born, one of the very best gifts we received was a season pass to the Toledo Zoo. This zoo is amazing...it's apparently one of the top ten zoos in the country. It's an easy day trip for us since it's not very far from home.

The pictures you see here are some of my favorite photos from each of the two times we've taken Charlie there so far. The first time was on a fluke warm day back in November. He was only about six months old at the time and I can't believe he was ever that small!

The second was just this past weekend. He had such a blast, running around ALL over the place and exploring the new neighborhood play space they have just for kids. Great times!

Quality vs. Quantity

2010-07-28T23:33:00.002-04:00

Today was one of those days...you know the kind. Running all over the place but not really accomplishing much at all. I had a lot of school stuff to do and a standing social obligation that I didn't want to pass up. Hence, I had very little time with the boy today.

Still, when we were together, we were cuddling and laughing and happy. Certainly that counts for something, right? I hope it counts for a lot because come the fall, when I start my full-time student teaching stint, that's the way things are going to be for us, most of the time.

I'm literally split right down the middle about the major changes that are headed our way in a little over a month. One part of me is excited in a great anticipation sort of way and one part of me is terrified in an, "I don't know if I can do this" sort of way. On top of my own anticipation/fear came the news that we will need to find new child care arrangements for C. This development was not terribly surprising but still makes me feel sad. We had a great arrangement going last year and I'm sad to see it go. On the other hand, C. is getting to the age where it will be very beneficial for him to be around other kids and to have a little more structure to his days. Yet again, I feel split right down the middle: One part sad and one part excited to see what the next chapter holds.

I know it will all be fine. I know plenty of people work full time (plus!) and still manage to maintain a great relationship/bond with their children. I know many of you do it. My sister does it. I also know plenty of people who greatly enjoy their work away from home because they feel truly connected when they come back, rejuvenated rather than burned out. Besides, it's not like I've been home full time forever. I've had the blessing of two beautiful, languid summers with C. but I've also been pretty consistently busy with school since he was four months old. I guess what I'm most worried about/scared of is the loss of my flexibility. School allows for that...not only in terms of scheduling but in case anything unexpected comes up out of the blue. While I do place attendance high on my list of priorities, I don't have to go to school if I don't want to. With student teaching, I will put my very best professional foot forward and work...probably harder than I ever have before {not that I don't work hard now or haven't in the past} and it will all be for no pay. That's an exhausting prospect no matter how you slice it. At the same time, I can't wait to experience the whole picture of life in the classroom as someone other than the substitute teacher for the day...to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, so to speak, and get my feet wet for what my future career will really be like.

Ahhhh...I'm just so mixed, so all over the place about how I really feel. And the time is flying by, fast! Today was a glimpse into how I'm going to feel every day come the fall and it was bittersweet for me, in a big way!

A Grand Day Out!

2010-07-18T02:06:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was a special day for Charlie and me. Rebekah and I, along with our baby boys, drove to Grand Rapids, where we met up with BB and her little one for an afternoon of fun at the Frederik Meijer Sculpture Gardens. We spent the majority of our time in the super cool Children's Garden they have there.

It was so amazing to have all of our sweet little miracle babies together in one spot. These two girls were some of the first I ever started following here on the blog and their stories and support have been both an inspiration and a safety net for me throughout mine. Another adoptive mom put it very well when she said, "It's wonderful to actually meet with those people who've supported us through our journeys. It's a beautiful thing." I couldn't agree more and I'm very thankful for having had the opportunity to move my relationship with these amazing women beyond the blogosphere. I've said it before but it's worth repeating, I'm really not sure how I would have survived our adoption journey without this blog and the genuine connections it has forged. So fascinating to me that 15 years (or so) ago this sort of thing never would have or could have happened. And at the same time it feels completely natural, I feel like they've been my friends forever. There's something so comforting about being in the company of people who just get it...people who have traveled down very similar roads to ours and consequently don't need any explanations for how beautiful and yet how complicated being an adoptive mom can be at times.

Since I'm clearly at the risk of rambling on even further, I'll conclude with some of the best photos from the day. We had a great time!

Part of Me

2010-07-16T00:04:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I found my old paper journal from last year, the one I was writing right up through the end of our wait for C. and then into his arrival.

Wow it was really strange to read back over those times. I was really struggling there towards the end of our wait. I was writing almost every day (not to mention my blog posts here,) which, if you know me, is a pretty sure sign that I'm down and out.

It's so strange because that seems like almost an entirely different world to me now. There is a part of me that can't remember what my life was like before C. came along but by the same token, there is a part of me that will never forget the struggle and the pain of waiting for him as long as we did. I have reached a point where I'm genuinely thankful for that struggle, for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that it ultimately created our beautiful family.

Having said that, in a very good way, C. is simply a part of me now and I don't continuously think about his arrival the same way I once did. He is still our greatest blessing and the miracle of his life will forever be immeasurable to us but he just is now more than he ever was before.

I wish someone could have told me. I spent so much of my time and energy there towards the end of our wait for C. being miserable and feeling sad. I wish I could have known that I only had to hold on a few months longer and the sun would come out. I know it wouldn't have mattered that much if someone had told me--I had to go through that part of our journey as much as I had to go through any part of it. It's just that reading my own words (hearing myself talk if you will) during those times is really bleak. If I could have written to myself back then from where I am now, I would have told myself to sing and laugh and dance and be happy. I would have told myself to stop worrying so much about tomorrow and focus on today. Ahhhh, if only that was as easily done as it is said!

A Few Words

2010-07-11T23:54:00.003-04:00

Little C. has been talking up a storm lately. He likes to say words one time and then refuse to repeat them, leaving his mommy to wonder if he really said the word or if she just imagined it. But he is learning so much right now and really seems to be trying to break the language code.

My favorite thing is when he looks right at me and spews off a long string of baby babble, complete with inflection and varying pitch/volume/tone. He's clearly saying something important, I just don't know what!

Last night as we walked two houses down to visit one of my best friend's, Nancy, he saw her yard and said, "Nacy." That was it though, he refused to say her name again the rest of the night. Then this morning, as he pulled my glasses off the headboard of our bed to hand them to me (which he does every morning) he said glasses, only he didn't clearly pronounce the "gl" part. Yeah, that was funny. He also said umbrella tonight when we were having dinner with my parents out on their deck. It sounded surprisingly clear (umbedda) but yet again, he wouldn't repeat himself for anything! His other current favorite words are duck, truck, fishy, up (upeee,) uh-oh, brush, yay (as he claps,) no (sounds more like none,) varying animal sounds and hi or hello.

LOVE!

Kissing the Curls Goodbye!

2010-07-02T23:29:00.000-04:00

Today was a big day for our little boy. He had his very first hair cut! I think this is what he wants to say about the experience:

Lord have mercy, that picture makes me want to start crying all over again...he surely does know how to push my buttons! But, although he wasn't a happy camper, he did survive and manage to recover his composure pretty quickly, not to mention the fact that he looks absolutely adorable (and oh so much older) post-hair cut!

To be honest, the whole experience was overwhelming for me...and I think for all of us. I had it in my mind that we needed to go to an official barber shop, someone who knew what they were doing when it comes to caring for and handling African-American hair. Problem was, we didn't have an appointment and it was harder than you might imagine to find someone who was willing to take a walk-in for a baby. The place we finally did locate was the fourth place we stopped. I'm glad they were willing to do the job because otherwise I would've given up at that point.

Here's the little guy, as happy as can be...blowing raspberries while we waited our turn.

And here's the obligatory "after" shot, once he had calmed down a bit. Where has my little baby gone??

They did a great job and I would definitely go back BUT...we had to wait for almost two hours for our turn! Yes, TWO HOURS sitting there in uncomfortable chairs, trying to keep our toddler occupied and at the same time well-behaved. If I had known it would be that long we would have changed plans but the time kept ticking by little by little. I didn't really want to leave and lose our place in line but man...my patience was worn pretty thin by the time all was said and done. Also, holding Charlie while he cried and tried desperately to release himself from my grasp was not a pleasant experience. Even though the actual cut didn't take that long, it was exhausting. I had intentions of keeping his hair a little longer than it is but because his curls were so thick, the clippers kept getting stuck. At the barber's suggestion, we decided to clip it all off. Although I do miss the curls and would have preferred to leave some hair, I couldn't bear putting him through any further misery. I guess the great thing about hair is that it grows back, right?! I'm glad that experience is behind us...I hope the next time (when he's a bit older and we're better prepared) will go more smoothly.

Our Busy "Baby!"

2010-06-26T21:37:00.004-04:00

Whew people, I am e.x.h.a.u.s.t.e.d! I'm going to go out on a limb here but I'm thinking I'm more worn out now, following my "toddler" around than I was when he was a newborn blob who slept at all the wrong times, ate and pooped a lot. Maybe I just don't remember the sleep deprivation of those days but I do know for sure that the current stage in which we now reside feels whirlwindish to me. Even when we don't do much, I end my days feeling like I could just collapse into bed. Anyone who lives in the south will probably laugh at me (and I get that because I used to live in the south too) but maybe my tiredness is partly due to the heat we've been experiencing? It's been over 90 degrees here most days since late May and we try, (our money/environment saving efforts) whenever possible, to leave the AC off. This means that most of the time, Charlie and I sweat it out and play until we drop.

The little boy is at such a volatile stage right now. He's caught between the baby he still is and wanting to do so much...wanting to be like us. Am I the only mama who was annoyed when the baby center weekly update emails switched over to, "My Toddler This Week" right at 12 months of age? I don't know about you all but I'm not sold on the idea that babies turn into toddlers just because they learn to walk. I'm finding the balancing act between letting him experience/explore and keeping him safe to be quite challenging. Then there's the frustration factor. He's trying so hard to learn to communicate and express himself (he has his own ideas about what we should do and when we should do it, imagine that!) but he can't so instead we get this a lot of the time right now:

This is him right before throwing a really big fit, including "going boneless" onto the floor and everything. *sigh*

We also get the discerning/serious/I'm not so sure face a lot these days, especially when we're around new people or doing something out of the ordinary. And he's extremely clingy with me lately too. I realize it's all normal development and par for the course but it's tough to manage his moodiness sometimes. The clinging to mama part I actually (mostly) like, if I'm being honest but it does wear me down too.

Actually these are all very positive signs of him being developmentally on target, which I know and which (of course) makes me very happy - I guess I'm just venting.

And it's not like I started this whole parenting thing as a newbie. I'm well educated and I had lots of pre-motherhood experience...with other people's kids! I guess in some ways I thought I knew it all - it's only now that I'm realizing I didn't know the half of it! One thing I've done a lot throughout these past (nearly) 14 months is eat my own words! The job is just so much harder when you're the person who is ultimately responsible for that little persons' well being and long-term character development. Talk about pressure! No parent wants to screw their kids up but the fact is, we all have strengths and weaknesses and we all make mistakes, no matter how hard we try. I think the most difficult thing for me is fighting my own desire to be the "perfect" mom, whatever that even is. I'm definitely true to my Leo nature in the pride department and I struggle with putting that aside sometimes.

Good grief I even exhaust myself! I'm done with my rant for now. Hope you're all having a fantastic weekend!

Why Daddys are so Great!

2010-06-20T09:09:00.006-04:00

First of all, happy second Father's Day to my amazing baby daddy. I love you, Michael...thank you X a million for all you do for Charlie and for our little family...you are our greatest fortune!

By the way, giving him the whole apple wasn't Mommy's idea!

The other day, Charlie and I were out to lunch with a friend. We were standing at the register to pay our bill and when I opened my wallet to get my money, Charlie saw the picture of Michael sitting in my wallet. He pointed to it said, "Da Da." When I gave him the picture to hold, he put it up to his ear the way he does when I give him my phone. He wanted to call Daddy. It was adorable!

I've been thinking a lot lately about how mommys and daddys are different. I love that and think it's so great for the children. Sometimes, after I've been with Charlie all day, we both need a little change of pace and it's so refreshing for us to be with Michael.

One night this week, right before Charlie went to bed, he was sitting on Michael's lap. We gave him a drink of water, at which point Michael said, "Hey Charlie, show Mommy our trick!" I watched as Michael took the lid off the cup, let Charlie take a gulp and then stick his hands into the cup to swish the water around. I was thinking to myself, "I would never let him do that!" But you should have seen the grin on our son's face...it was priceless!

The way papas play is wonderful...my two guys might make/leave a bigger mess than I do but they have so much fun together when it's just the two of them, it's awesome!

A Long Time Gone

2010-06-16T21:13:00.004-04:00

Wow it's been over three weeks since I last posted anything here. With my very hectic spring semester winding down, my gardening and yard work winding up, and lots of family/friend events going on, those have been exciting/exhausting weeks to be sure, but my absence is more than that too. I think I'm kind of out of ideas, at least temporarily. Do you guys have any thoughts about what I should write? What is it that keeps you coming back to see if I've added anything new? I'm sure there are things I could talk about but to be honest, I'm simply enjoying spending time living my life and not focusing so much on writing about it. I've felt kind of bored with several of my posts lately anyway. Plus, blogland seems to have changed. It seems like many of the blogs I read have slowed down over the past few months...or is it just me?

Moving on...

Our little toddler (how is it possible that we have a toddler?) is constantly on the move and keeping us very busy! To be honest I'm more exhausted in the mom department now than I ever have been before, even when he was a newborn baby. By the time his bed time rolls around each night, I am r.e.a.d.y to wind down in a big way. Having said that, every day with him is something new and special. I love to watch him learn and discover the new things in his environment. I love being his mom.

He adds new words to his vocabulary all the time. This week it was apple (apoo) and fishy (ishe.) He also mimics how we say, "I love you" but it comes out sounding more like iooeuuuu. He has the right sound pattern though and the right number of syllables. It's the best thing in the world, even though no one but us would know what he's trying to say. :) We have this cute little dialogue thing we do when it's just the two of us in the room. He will say, "Mommy" or sometimes, "Mimy" and I will say, "Charlie" or, "Yes, Charlie?" over and over. We go back and forth and mimic each other. If he says three M sounds then I say three C sounds and so on. This exchange usually ends in peals of laughter, which I love.

He absolutely adores books and being read to. He will sometimes spend 15 or 20 minutes sitting in the middle of the floor looking at his books. His current favorites, in no particular order are:

Brown Bear, Brown Bear
Counting Kisses
Barnyard Banter
The Rainbow Fish
Goodnight Moon
Whose Knees Are These
Here Are My Hands
Daddy Kisses
All About Baby: A baby's Guide to Babies

This is great because books are always the perfect tag-along toy for car rides or when we're going to be somewhere that doesn't have many toys. Sometimes he even falls asleep holding books, which is perfectly adorable! Depending on his mood, he will even occasionally sit through short story books, such as, "A Blessing From Above" or, "I Wished for You." I cherish those quiet times with my little guy and really, really love that he enjoys being read to as much as I enjoy reading to him. I honestly feel that this is one of the very best things parents can do with and for their children.

He's also going through a clingy/fear stage at the moment and to be honest, I'm kind of glad. This boy has always been a social butterfly who will go to anyone and who even (usually) likes total strangers. Not that I want my child to be afraid but it's nice to know that he does sometimes want his mommy/daddy and that he does differentiate between caregivers. As for the fear, loud noises such as the garbage truck, UPS truck, loud planes, other babies crying, etc. have really been freaking him out lately. He will be playing happily and then something will startle him and he will run over to me and grab my legs. It's both sad and cute at the same time...and (again with the honesty) it does give me a bit of an ego boost to know that I'm the person to whom he most often looks for comfort.

We've been having fun. Michael and I are a one-car-family out of necessity and it's not always easy being stranded here with a little one all day but we make the best of it. I'm so grateful for this time with him because I know the day will come when I will look back on these experiences very fondly. At the risk of sounding incredibly Pollyanna about the whole thing...this parenting gig is pretty awesome most of the time!

Visualization Realized

2010-05-19T22:06:00.005-04:00

When I took this picture yesterday, I had the thought that this moment was one I had been imagining/dreaming of for years. I remember doing a visualization exercise in a writing course I took back in 2007. I went back and looked at my journal from that class and sure enough, on January 18 of 2007, this is what I found:

Prompt: What is the picture you want, in a future time?

My Response: "I want a picture of my own little boy or girl looking back at me, flirting with the camera. Absent from the photo are toys. There is no complication in this photo, no rain, no darkness, no fear. Adults are also missing from the frame but the child's expression leads me to believe they are on the edges, just out of view."

Before I took this picture, I wasn't thinking about that journal entry at all. Then I snapped the shutter and the visualization came flooding back to me. The realization of such a powerful (once mental) image now magically transformed into my reality literally took my breath away.

How divine!

Mixed Emotions

2010-05-08T23:58:00.006-04:00

My thoughts are rambling all over the place tonight, as the clock is about to tick over into my second mother's day.

I just learned that E, a blogging friend I've been following for a long time now (through many ups and downs) is "finally a mom." I am on top of the world for her and want to dance around and jump for joy over her amazing news!

I remember this time last year as though it was yesterday. Baby C. was just about two weeks old and I was over the moon as a brand new mommy. I also remember how I had felt all those years prior, first TTC and then waiting. I will never forget how hard those times were. My heart goes out to any of you who are still out there; waiting and wondering, suffering in silence.

And then there are the birth mothers. Today is National Birthmother's Day, did you know that? These women are so often misjudged, overlooked and forgotten by our society but they are mothers too. They deserve to be honored for their selflessness, the tough choices they have made (and stood by) and the sacrifices they have made on behalf of our children. Without them, so many families I know wouldn't be. My family wouldn't be. That's a pretty intense thought and it matches my intense feelings about this topic right now. Words fail me.

Lastly, there's me as a mom. A little over a year later, the title of "mama" is starting to feel more natural to me...less extraordinary, although that in no way means that I've begun to forget that every moment with our son is precious. I don't exactly know how to put this into words either. My heart still swells every time I see him do something new, or when our sweet boy reaches out to me for a hug...but being referred to as a mom, as his mom, though still amazing and beautiful and wonderful, is no longer earth shattering. It's simply who I am now and it fits. I'm now an old pro at celebrating mother's day as a mother. When did that happen? I don't really know but it feels good. I feel as though I've spent the past year growing into who I was meant to be all along and now the shoe just fits.

I don't know if any if this makes sense...I just needed to get it out and process a little of what I've been thinking about this weekend. Happy Mother's Day, Everyone!

It's My Moms'

2010-05-05T21:34:00.005-04:00

This afternoon in class, someone leaned over to me and said, "You have amazing handwriting." It was an unexpectedly kind comment and without even missing a beat I replied, "Oh thanks, it's my moms'."

Then I looked down at my paper and realized that Charlie will never be able to look at his handwriting and automatically know where it came from. He will never be able to look at any part of himself and know, without a doubt, that it came from his first mom, or from any other biological family member for that matter.

An incredible wave of sadness washed over me.

Of course I know that I am his mom...and I will certainly pass my beliefs, habits, sayings, etc. down to him through nurture but there will be another part of him that will come from nature alone and we will never know the origins of that. What a loss.

I don't talk about {the absence of} his birth mother very much because honestly, it's a little too much for me to tackle sometimes. I think it's one aspect of our story that I'm going to have to digest in small pieces, as we go. I guess my realization today was one of those small pieces.

I'm okay really. The sadness didn't linger, it was more of an observation (a dawning really,) of some of the missing pieces and questions that will be an inevitable part of our future as Charlie grows. It does make me sad but because of my own nature, I go back to the fundamental belief that it is what it is and there must some reason for that, even if I can't completely understand from where I currently stand.

365 Days Later, Part Three - Today was the Day!

2010-04-30T18:03:00.004-04:00

Do you remember THIS news? Today was the day last year when we got THE CALL, as we were sitting at dinner with most of my family, as well as my sister's future in-laws. That day was shocking, surreal, joyful, unbelievable, scary, overwhelming, exciting, everything all rolled into one.

I will never forget how I felt when that call finally came. My hands were shaking and the room was spinning. I'll never forget the shouts of joy as I put the phone to the side and looked at my family (who had, by that time, figured out that something was happening and were staring intently at my end of the table.) I said, "We have a baby boy!" and all I remember is an eruption of excitement as my older sister, Nan literally landed in my lap from her place across the table from me. People seemed to be right up in my face, asking a million questions, though I know that was just my perception because I was overwhelmed.

I was so happy for my little sister, Holly. That was the night of her pinning ceremony for graduating from nursing school. That had been a long road for her too so our family was in full celebration mode. It was hard for me to concentrate on anything but the baby I was about to meet but I did the best I could trying to remain present.

Actually I sobbed off and on through most of the ceremony. People around me kept looking but for once in my life, I just let the tears flow, unchecked, down my cheeks. They started when my older sister gave me the "Mother's Blessing" ring she had been carrying in her purse for...years, while she waited for our baby. I was doing okay up until she slipped that into my hand. I walked out to the lobby and she followed. She hugged me and I just sobbed on her shoulder for several minutes.

Come to think of it, I cried pretty regularly (A LOT) for about the first month of Charlie's life. Thinking of that now, I'm pretty sure those tears were important. They helped me officially close that chapter of loss and grief in my life and move on...opening my heart to the blessings of motherhood.

Wow. That's all I can really say. My eyes fill with tears again now thinking back to that day, when our whole lives changed forever. When we found out about a precious, tiny baby boy who would become our son and who has since filled our home and our hearts with more love than can really be measured.

52 Weeks

2010-04-29T23:05:00.005-04:00

When you say it like that, a whole year doesn't sound all that significant. Weeks go by at the speed of light these days so it's easy to see how 52 of them can pile up, one on top of the other, creating a whole year.

Throughout this past year, I've been recording Charlie's growth each week. To show how he's changed, I've photographed him with his first teddy bear once a week for the past 52 weeks. This bear is a huge, blue creature that my dad bought for us on the day we brought the baby home. This is a gift that has particular significance in our family because my dad also bought one for my nephew, Nick when he was born, 16+ years prior to Charlie.

When we got home from the hospital last year and I finally got to see the beautiful nursery my family had decorated for our new baby, the sight of this big, blue bear is what brought me to tears. I couldn't believe my dad had been able to find the exact same bear for Charlie that he bought for Nick so many years ago. Needless to say, this stuffed animal is a keeper for us. As you can see below, it's doubled as a great prop/size comparison for our regular photo shoots over the past 52 weeks.

(click on the image to enlarge)

A 12 x 18 version of this collage is something I've been working on a lot this year, particularly lately. Now that I'm finally done, it will serve as a decoration for Charlie's birthday party this weekend. I love to look at how much our son has changed in only 52 weeks but I have to say that it makes me a little sad to be done with this huge project.

A Big Day for Our Big Boy!

2010-04-28T23:11:00.000-04:00

I'm definitely in post-overload right now but I don't want to forget one single moment of these days! Even now, having a one-year-old, I find that I am surprised when I look at photos and videos from this last year. How tiny Charlie was...how could I have forgotten? But I have. Days have gone by and times have changed. I've gotten caught up in the todays and forget what all the yesterdays were like, not that that's necessarily a bad thing. Much like his entry into our lives though, I want to capture every single moment of Charlie's first birthday so that I never, ever forget how sweet these times truly are.

We had a great day today. We both had the day off and spent it happily enjoying time with our son. His actual birthday party with family and friends is yet to come, this Saturday but today we had lots of fun practicing for the big event. This morning had us opening up and breaking in a couple of new toys, which included a square foot garden kit for Mommy that will certainly appear in future blog entries! After that we went to lunch, where Charlie got a balloon and his first-ever restaurant birthday serenade, along with dessert that was bigger than he was. Next it was off to our favorite Scottish bakery about half and hour away, where we picked up some treats that we save for special occasions. To finish off the afternoon, we took a trip to the park where Charlie enjoyed some time on the slide and swing. Finally, we went over to my parent's house where we had dinner and sang "Happy Birthday" to Charlie as we (well, the wind) helped him blow out his candle. It was a lovely day and without further ado, here is a photographic synopsis of our celebrations:

Early morning snuggles with Daddy, on the deck.

Showing off his snazzy socks and birthday shirt.

Dessert that's bigger than you are, nice...

...and delicious!
Special time with Mommy...

...and Daddy!
Checking out his cool blue balloon...

...and of course, showing it off!

Daddy, helping Charlie practice his new walking skills.

Sliding and smiling!

Swinging in the sunshine!

Yes that's a pickle he's sharing with Daddy, yum!

Mama and Baby.

Brown eyes and birthday cake

What a beautiful mess!

365 Days Later, Part Two

2010-04-28T16:45:00.003-04:00

So where was I on this day in history, the day our child was born? To be honest, I wasn't having a very good day. In fact, I was pretty much hitting the rock bottom of our wait. Those of you who were there probably remember that April was a hard month for me last year, right up until the very end. In early April, I discussed my exasperation in this post. Then there was the "close call" we had with the premature baby girl that pretty much sent me on a downward spiral.

If only someone could have told me our time was literally only days away...I wouldn't have wasted so much energy being upset.

In fact, I had gone to the doctor on April 28, to get our paperwork updated and signed yet again, thinking I was going to have to go through the process of updating our home study again. The conversation with the doctor had been very rough, I was struggling. I remember telling her how sad I was and feeling that she sort of wrote me off. I actually cried that day, all the way home on the 45 minute drive. I was just so exhausted and so depleted. I remember thinking that I wasn't sure we were supposed to keep going...feeling that maybe we should just throw in the towel.

If only someone could have told me our time was literally only days away...I wouldn't have wasted so much energy being upset.

Thinking about that now, I am amazed. To think that I sobbed and felt sorry for myself all the way home, as there was a woman only an hour away, giving birth to a baby and going through what must have been a tremendous amount of both physical and emotional pain. Well...I just wish I could have known. Not only do I wish I could have been there on the first day of our son's life but I also wish I could have known her. To maybe, on some small level, have been able to give her some sort of comfort and peace that her son would be loved. Yes, I wish I could have been there and I wish I could have known.

Still, I believe that Charlie's story is what it is for a reason. I am so very grateful for our son and for his birth mother. The day of his birth...the day that was the beginning of the greatest experience of our whole lives will forever be a day that is close to my heart, and not just because it's our son's birthday.

365 Days Later, Part One

2010-04-28T13:15:00.005-04:00

Happy First Birthday to our beautiful, amazing, sweet, smart, funny little boy!

How is it possible that 365 days have already gone by since he entered this world? I really can't believe that. But what wonderful days they've been. So incredibly full of love and life; laughter and happiness. The transition into motherhood has been incredible for me. There have certainly been some hard times and some challenges I didn't expect; however, I can honestly say that by and large, this has been one of the happiest years of my life. The other day I heard a quote that I really liked:

"The only way you can really survive this world is to become what you are."

I think that's exactly what's happened for me, with Charlie. I was already a mother, at my core and in my heart of hearts...I just needed the perfect little boy to come along and help that part of me blossom. And perfect he is! I cannot imagine any other child at the center of our lives. He brings so much to our little family, as well as to our larger circle of family and friends.

The selfless sacrifice made my his birth mother truly humbles me. I think about her often, in one way or another but I am especially thinking about her today, as we celebrate the life of this precious little boy. I honestly can't imagine what she went through, and what she continues to go through as time moves forward. I don't (and probably never will) know her part of the story but her decision to give him life and to give him a safe start into this world is something for which I am eternally grateful.

Watching Charlie grow and learn, experiencing all the wonders of the world through his eyes. There is nothing quite like that kind of magic. Today, more than ever, I am thankful for his existence and for the multitude of joy, happiness and most of all, love that he brings to our lives.

Happy First Birthday, Son. I love you with all of my heart!

Copycat Post (Your Thoughts Requested!)

2010-04-26T14:33:00.003-04:00

My dear blogging friend, BB posted a topic that was so great today that I'm copying her idea, hopefully she won't get mad. If you follow both of us, feel free to copy and paste your response to her in my comments!

Michael and I have the honor of speaking to the newest group of prospective adoptive parents at our agency this coming Friday. I am very excited to have the opportunity to be on the opposite side of the table! It's honestly quite strange/wonderful/surreal to realize that we've got a story other people want to hear and one they may benefit from hearing.

So...here's where you come in. What do you think we should talk about? Especially if you're still waiting right now...what is it that gives you hope? What do you want to hear or talk about when you talk to adoptive parents? What should we avoid? I would love to have your input!

I’m primarily planning to focus on how I felt during the wait. I want to convey the message (without being annoying and cliche about it) that they really need to hold on to the hope that the right child is out there for them and that the time will come, even when it seems like that will never happen. I don’t want to be that adoptive mom that makes it all sound so easy now that I have my baby. I want to tell them that I haven’t forgotten how hard it was to wait for Charlie but that I truly do believe we are better parents now, for having gone through the process and the pain of waiting for him.

Let me know what you think!

Celebration Shoes

2010-04-25T19:24:00.005-04:00

What better way to celebrate Mr. Baby's new walking abilities than to buy him...SHOES!

You want to know one really quirky thing about me? I could pretty much care less about shoes for adults (very unladylike of me:) but when it comes to kid shoes, hold me back! I LOVE the things...seriously! I have major issues parting with any of Charlie's baby shoes because they remind me of how sweet and little he once was. I mean he still is but well...you know what I mean.

So anyway, we went to Pay.Less today and they had their usual BOGO sale, which I fell for, exactly as they expected. That's where we got him the sandals and tennies, then I went on an outlet mall shopping trip with my girlfriend this afternoon and she and I found a great deal on the rain boots. Every little person needs rain boots, right?! :)

So there you have it. Little C. is officially hooked up for all the gallivanting we plan to do this summer. These are all size 5 and he currently measures at size 4. I'm hoping they'll fit reasonably well for now and leave him a little room for growth over the next few months.

Walk This Way

2010-04-24T21:37:00.002-04:00

Well it's official, four short days before his first birthday, our little boy took his first steps! The video below is pretty shaky...but at least you can briefly see him in action. It's honestly a little surreal for me. I can't believe this is really our lives. There was a time when I thought I'd never have the chance to experience these milestones. Tonight, when I heard Michael say to Charlie, "Oh my son, I'm so proud of you." after he walked across the kitchen floor...it was a very sweet moment...we are both so very proud of our precious little man!

I can hardly believe it...

2010-04-22T21:09:00.004-04:00

There are several things I can hardly believe right now:

Charlie will be ONE in less than a week.
He's about to walk ANY day now. Actually...he took two steps tonight but Michael wasn't home at the time so we're still waiting for the official first steps. :)
I haven't updated this blog in almost two weeks now. I've been busy with school, which brings me to the next point.
I'm actually getting to the blessed end of this degree. There are some major brick walls trying to get in my way at the moment but I'm nothing if not determined. Student teaching happens in the fall and I can't wait.
I've heard TWO stories this week about babies who were either extremely ill or possibly not even going to survive. Death is hard enough for me to deal with but when it's a baby in the picture, it cuts to my core. I try to have faith that things happen for a reason but that is hard for me when it comes to babies suffering and/or dying.
Did I mention Charlie is going to be ONE next week? The above stories make me count my blessings with him even more than I already do. Seriously, PRECIOUS.
I've only scrapbooked about the first two weeks of C's first year. I find this extremely ironic because before we had children I was a scrapbooking fanatic...I'm talking like 12+ completed albums, BIG albums, creative memories consultant kind of fanatic. And now...nothing. It's almost entirely due to the issue of time but seriously. All those years I wanted so badly to be able to scrapbook a baby album and now that I have the baby I can't seem to find the time to do the book *sigh*
We STILL haven't mowed our yard for the first time this year. Again it's due to how busy we've been but I've never left it this late before and I feel like a bad neighbor. Plus I think it's going to rain ALL weekend. :(

I think that's it for now. I'm sure there are other things that belong on the list but honestly, I'm too tired to think much more tonight.

Frolicking...

2010-04-02T23:08:00.007-04:00

Today we had a very unusual but very welcome snippet of summer. Typically in Michigan, we don't see 80 degrees until June or July but today's high was 79. You can bet Charlie and I took advantage of the nice weather and I snatched up my camera as we headed out the door. I took all of the photos below in my parent's "back yard," which happens to be part of the four acres on which they live:

He's certainly keeping me occupied these days--between making sure he doesn't eat something poisonous and preventing other major dangers, I never seem to get a break. He is seriously into everything all of a sudden and he has quite a strong independent "I can do it myself" streak going on at the moment. He's not even walking yet and he thinks he can rule the world, gees! But I love it too. I love watching the emergence of his delightful (if sometimes daunting) independence. His personality is really beginning to take shape and I love all the new things he's doing.

Elevensies

2010-03-28T21:23:00.006-04:00

A post about second breakfast? No not exactly...but the title was so cute that I decided to use it anyway. Mr. Baby is 11 months old today. Yes, I said eleven!

***please forgive the quality of the photos in this post, they're cell phone images***

He's getting big. Starting to communicate. Thinking about climbing. Becoming very mobile. Soon he won't even be a baby anymore. *sigh*

But it's good too--life is good, if extremely hectic! I took some time a few days ago to read back through some of the posts I wrote when we got THE CALL about him and it still made me cry. How far we have come since this time last year. This spring has me showing all the amazing sights and sounds of the world to my son, while last spring had me questioning life in general. Wow. But enough about that...here are the goods about the boy and what he's been up to this past month:

He's a master crawler now and has quickly turned that into proficient cruising too. He also does a funny little thing where he crawls with one leg up, especially on hard-surface floors. You can see it for a second or two in the (goofy) video below, which was created at the beginning of March.

He's beginning to get big, he weighs exactly 20 pounds and is 28.5 inches long...time for a new car seat! I am continuously amazed by his communication abilities and what he's saying, trying to say, or understanding.

He consistently says:

hi,
mama
dada
yum-yum
bye
ball
light
grrrrr (or growling)

and he's been actively practicing:

baby
dog/Ditto/Dinah
good
bottle

He also understands so many things even though he hasn't started saying them yet:

Names for other important people in his life
waving
give me five or fist bump
Kiss/give me a kiss
where did it go/where are you going
come here
go get it
glasses
give it to me/can I have it (usually when he has my glasses)
don't eat it
gentle
are you hungry/want a bite
cup/want a drink
cold/hot
water/splash/bath
yes/no (he shakes his head back and forth every time I nod mine)
home
window/outside
sky
bird
book
look (and he points now too, at books or in the grocery store, SO cute)
brown bear-brown bear animals (he will usually point to the correct ones on his blanket or in the book)
moo
duck
dance/skate
song/sing
eye
nose
ear
teeth
tongue
hands
socks/feet
our "stinky feet" game where he touches his nose to his own feet (cute) or our feet (even cuter) and then makes the same sour face he makes for food he doesn't like.

He's doing great and he never ceases to amaze me with his new abilities and what he can comprehend! Every day is such a joy and it seems there are things I could add to the "What Charlie Knows" list all the time. He now has two new top teeth, which have come in at different rates but still make him look completely adorable. I think this is a big part of the reason he's started experimenting with so many new sounds/words lately...his mouth now feels different so he can try new things.

His experiences with food continue to go really well. He's pretty much eating what we eat now, although I still enjoy making him veggie and fruit purees that I freeze. He's learned how to start telling us what he thinks now with his sour face and yuck face. The really funny thing is when he makes the sour face with a food that clearly isn't at all sour. He's figured out that we think he's cute when he makes those faces so he performs for us. :) He's definitely an independent boy when it comes to food. Depending on his mood, he sometimes won't even try a new food unless he can feed it to himself. He's also beginning to master his sippy cups, which is so cute to me since they still look so big in his little hands.

Bottle time is still very much a special bonding ritual for us and that's the one time when he's perfectly content to relax and let me take over. I cherish these moments even more now because I know they are limited. With the days flying by so quickly, sometimes I just want to stop the clock and hold my baby boy a little while longer.

I can hardly believe there is only one more month before this amazing little child turns ONE.

Grrrrr

2010-03-16T18:33:00.002-04:00

I so love this boy!!

Post-it Note Tuesday #1

2010-03-16T16:47:00.005-04:00

I've generally avoided these specific day of the week blog post ideas because I'm unsure that I can commit to posting every Monday...or whatever. This one is cute though and it seems so easy that I decided to give it a try for a while.

Check out the directions on Supah Mommy's blog and create your own sticky notes here. Fun times!

Eclectic Mom

2010-03-15T21:33:00.004-04:00

Every once in a while, I think there are aspects of me as a mom that other people find surprising. Not long ago, a friend told me she was surprised that there was some "Ann Arbor mom" in me. If you live in this general area, or know anything about the city of Ann Arbor (home to the University of Michigan) then that comment will make some sort of sense to you. Ann Arbor moms are often pretentious (sorry but it's true) and are also known for being trendy and on the cutting edge of what's up and coming in the world of baby gear and baby care.

I agree with my friend--none of those characteristics accurately describe me. However, it is surprising yet true that I have chosen to do things with Charlie that definitely fit me into the label. Things like cloth diapering with Bum Genius diapers, making my own baby food and wearing my baby when and where ever possible.

About a week ago, a fellow blogger, Jen posted a great entry on her blog about how she's adapting to being the mom she wants to be. Her post got me thinking and I've been meaning to write this post all week but instead it's been rattling around in my head as I've sped through my days. In my comment to Jen I called myself an "eclectic mom" and that's exactly what I am. I wholeheartedly agree with her that it's best to break free from any of the various "parenting camps" and just go with the combination of your heart, head and gut when it comes to the question of how to parent.

I guess (at least in part) I'm able to do this because I am educated when it comes to early childhood development, theories, and practices. That background gives me comfort that I know what I'm doing even though I'm pretty sure I'd know what I was doing with my baby even if I didn't have the jargon to accompany my knowledge. To me, being an eclectic mom is all about one magical little word, balance. Among other things, it's about the equilibrium between being:

laid back and rigid
natural and convenient/practical
knowledgeable and open to new ideas
child focused and career oriented

But none of that is to say that I've got it all down. I'm nowhere near having all the pieces of the puzzle in place! I guess that's the whole point of this post though...that I try my best to lead with my instincts and to use my knowledge of my son's unique needs and personality to decide how to raise him, rather than steadfastly sticking to one way or method of parenting. In this way, I'm able to get the best of all the different schools of thought out there, and I'm able to stay centered on my baby's unique needs and abilities instead of fitting him into some standard measure or expectation of the things he "should" be doing.

With the seemingly endless plethora of parenting advice/opinion books and information out there, you can find at least one book that supports just about any parenting technique you want to try. And as I mentioned in this post, way back when Charlie was a tiny little thing, it can be absolutely maddening (especially to an overwhelmed new mom) how two books from two equally qualified "experts" will completely contradict one another. That's why, to me, it's essential to lead with the heart first, closely followed by the head.

One of my favorite professors used to say, "Ask Ten, Get Ten" as his reminder that opinions are exactly that, unique thoughts that can vary drastically from one person to another. That saying holds true with parenting too. If you have an issue on your mind, you can ask ten different people what they think and you are practically guaranteed to get ten different answers. That's both refreshing and infuriating!

As a mom, I honestly think one of the hardest things is the decision making...the weeding through all the information and resources to get to the bottom of what's really best for baby or what's really worth worrying about versus what should be left alone. The weight of that responsibility, that knowledge that another person's life is entirely dependent upon my decisions and my actions. Well I have to say that I'm so very thankful I have an amazing husband with whom I can discuss big decisions. I like being able to find out what he thinks and weigh my own ideas against his before I have to decide for sure. I like that our parenting decisions are (at least for the most part) a combination of his gut feelings and mine. I like that I have a partner in this consuming yet overwhelmingly joyful experience of raising a child. I am comforted by the knowledge that I don't have to do this all alone.

Whew, that was quite a lengthy and loaded post! I definitely rambled a bit more than I originally intended but it surely does feel good to have a place to purge all these thoughts and share my ideas. As always, I can't wait to hear what you all have to say in response! :)

Baby Wearing

2010-03-04T23:05:00.004-05:00

In this wonderful new climate of "attachment parenting," baby wearing parents are everywhere. I too have done my fair share of strapping my baby to my body so I can go about my day without sacrificing my bonding time with the boy. From the time he was tiny, my preference has been to wear him as much as possible. Of course I've always made sure he has ample amounts of floor/free play time too. I'm really talking about wearing him in lieu of leaving him in his car seat or pushing him in the stroller.

When I look back over the past ten months, I see a gentle progression in terms of the various slings and wraps I've tried. Each has had its own unique features and benefits but there is so much to choose from out there that I thought it would be a good idea to share my experiences:

1. Infantimo Slingrider - This is the first sling I tried simply because it's the first sling I bought. Charlie was still tiny and I went to T.arget to see what they had. At the time, this was affordable and seemed handy, I honestly hadn't done a lot of research. I talked a little about my favorite features of the bag-style sling in this post. One of the comments from that post pointed out some potential concerns about this type of baby carrier; however, I will say that we still got a lot of use out of this item and I didn't feel overly concerned. I really liked the fact that Charlie was right there with me and I could easily look down and see him. He was instantly comforted when I put him in the carrier, I think because he could hear my heart beating and feel me breathing. I also liked the fact that he was concealed from nosy people out in public. At the time I was more sensitive to prying eyes and this put me back in control. I could easily go shopping or to a restaurant without having to deal with everyone wanting to touch my baby. We even took C. to a couple of movies in this carrier!

2. Baby Bjorn - Up until last week (see Ergo below) this was my favorite carrier. I would have recommended it to anyone! I actually still love the bjorn but I have found that it's getting harder and harder to carry Charlie as he gets bigger, despite the fact that we haven't reached the weight limit yet. Plus this carrier is less versatile in terms of how you can carry the baby and therefore what types of activities you can perform. Having said that, baby bjorn is one product where you absolutely get what you pay for. The carrier is extremely secure and well made. When I was initially comparison shopping I couldn't understand why the bjorn was twice the price of other seemingly comparable carriers. Then I tried it on. The criss-cross design of the straps across the back really help to distribute the baby's weight evenly. It was more than worth the extra cost given how much more comfortable it was for both me and Charlie. I also like the fact that the baby can be worn either facing out or facing in.

3. Maya Wrap (homemade) - A good friend sent me this hand-made version of the commercially available wrap. While it is beautiful and stylish, it's the wrap with which I've had the least success, hence no picture of it in use. I've used it a few times, once even to walk around the block but I still feel like I need to keep my hand on Charlie while he's in the carrier, which pretty much defeats the purpose of using a sling.

4. Ergo - Last but not least, my new favorite! I've had my eye on this carrier ever since I met a woman with four kids under four at the grocery store several months ago. She stopped to talk to Charlie and we struck up a conversation. She had one baby in the Ergo carrier on her back, another in her arms and the other two in her cart. The Ergo is not cheap, retailing for around $100; however, it is absolutely worth the investment. It's the most versatile carrier I've found, both in terms of the variety of ways you can carry the baby (front, hip and back) and in terms of weight limit (40+ pounds.) It's called the Ergo because it's ergonomically correct for both baby and adult. This carrier is relatively easy to maneuver, although there is a slight learning curve. I definitely think getting Charlie loaded onto my back is more of a feat that the tutorial videos portray. Having said that, I've only been using the carrier for two days and I'm already getting more comfortable with loading the boy in and out. A few of my other favorite features of this carrier are the side-zippered storage pocket, which for short trips, can eliminate the need for a diaper bag; the snap-on hood attachment (pictured below) that can be used as a sun shade or for when the baby falls asleep; the thick, comfortable padded straps; and finally the fact that the entire carrier is made of cloth and there's no hard wire frame like some of the other higher weight limit carriers I've seen.

All in all, my baby wearing endeavors have been quite successful. Now that I've used the Ergo, I'm wishing it had been with us all along. It will be the new carrier I recommend to anyone who asks and I will most likely use mine exclusively if/when we adopt again.

Ten Months Today!

2010-02-28T21:09:00.003-05:00

As unbelievable as it is, little Charlie is ten months old today. He's becoming quite the mobile little man and he's getting more independent by the day. He's still a social butterfly baby who wants to be where we are but he's beginning to want to investigate more than he has in the past. He is a fast crawler and he's even gotten brave enough to stand up without any support once or twice. His personality is endearing. He's loves to play games (he invents new ones every day!) and there's a lot of laughter around our house lately. :) During the past couple of weeks he started laughing when we laugh or fake coughing to see what kind of reaction he can get from us. Cute!

This morning after his wake up bottle he came into our room. We all fell back asleep for a little while and the next thing I knew, he was sitting up next to me in the bed, just looking at me. What a lovely sight to see first thing in the morning!

He's also beginning to test his limits in terms of what he does and doesn't want to do. He hates getting his face wiped after he eats (like most babies) and he's starting to protest diaper changes too. His mini-temper tantrums are a little funny, although I know it's kind of wrong for me to laugh at him. He's into everything right now and is consequently becoming quite familiar with the word, "No." So far we haven't had any major mishaps, although he has had a couple minor bumps. We're all getting the hang of rolling with the punches and laughing off the tumbles, though that's still hard for yours truly.

He's a big fan of kisses lately, which I love. He cruises along the furniture, giving kisses the whole way. I think he's thinking about giving the dogs kisses when he's doing that since they are usually on the couch just out of his reach. He will also crawl over to us in the middle of playing and give us kisses, its so sweet!

We've finally gotten quite a bit of snow here in MI during the past couple of weeks. I always make a point of talking to Charlie about what's happening, both inside and out. He seems to enjoy watching the snow from our front window and we've gotten bundled up and headed out to play whenever it's been warm enough. Apparently he loves to swing:

His favorite books right now are Goodnight Moon and The Rainbow Fish. I especially love the way he's started pointing at pictures lately. He can even find a few items in some of his books, like fish, birds, baby body parts, doggies and so on. It goes without saying that I am biased; however, I think we have a smart little guy on our hands! :)

This past month has been yet another whirlwind but it's been a joyful one. I'm on "spring break" from school this week and I'm very much looking forward to a little extra time with our baby. Although I am (of course) thrilled that he's happy and healthy, he's becoming a big boy a little too quickly for me! It will be a welcome relief to slow down a little, even if only for one week.

Heart Cries Giveaway & Beautiful Blogger Award

2010-02-21T19:02:00.008-05:00

If you haven't already seen it, my friend Rebekah is currently featuring her first-ever blog giveaway! Hop on over and check it out, she has an adorable picnic bag that will be awarded to one lucky blogger this coming Wednesday, February 24.

Also, Tracey gave me this "Beautiful Blogger" award a week ago and in the frenzy of my week, I forgot to create my own nominations. Better late than never I guess, right? Thank you for the award, Tracey!

As part of receiving this award, there are a few rules:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.

2. Post this award to 15 other bloggers that you follow and think are great!

3. Leave a message on each blog, letting them know you are giving them this award.

4. Post seven things about yourself.

HERE ARE BLOGS I THINK ARE GREAT:

Picture of My World
Plaid with Polka Dots
Our Story: Our Journey to Adoption
Always & Forever Family
Anderson Happenings
Waiting for Baby: Our Adoption Journey Chronicles
Waiting for Bambino
More Than Dog Children
Urban Green Farm
Still Thinking...again
Clio
From You & Me to Family of Three
All for Lucy Lou & Vivi, too
Barren Woman
Miracles - Believe in Them

HERE ARE THE SEVEN THINGS ABOUT ME:

I met my husband online and we lived in different countries, more then 4,000 miles apart from each other.
I will be student teaching in the fall and am one part excited and one part terrified.
I sang with Kenny Rogers at a Christmas concert once.
Speaking of singing, I really enjoy it and have been told I'm not bad. My sister and I have sung at two weddings and a funeral, which is kind of our joke.
I took guitar lessons a while back but never became dedicated enough to get really good. I hope to try again someday soon!
I hate reality television and I think this makes me really weird.
I'm starting to feel like our house is bursting at the seems and I really hope we can afford to make some changes (or at least add some storage) soon.

If you're looking for some new reading material, check out the blogs I nominated, they're great!

Walking a Fine Line

2010-02-21T06:25:00.004-05:00

I don't know if I can explain this.

In my experience, the art of motherhood can be summed up by saying I walk a fine line between not wanting to over-react and not wanting to under-react. This has been crystal clear to me this weekend as little Charlie has had a low-grade fever since Friday night. I think it's probably related to teething but you can never be completely sure. As mommy, there is always a low-level feeling of gentle dread (if that's the right word) about my boy. It's not like I sit around worrying about him constantly or anything - but more that there is a living, breathing being existing outside my own body that I love as if he should be part of my body. Does that make any sense? Perhaps I should just leave it to the experts. Elizabeth Stone put it so eloquently:

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

Bingo, that's kind of what I'm trying to put into words. As Charlie's mommy, one of my greatest desires is to protect him. The really scary thing is the acute knowledge that I can't. I can keep him physically safe, at least now while he's small...and there are things I can do to try to protect him as he grows but when all is said and done, his precious life is beyond me. I guess any mother who has had a really sick child, or worse yet, lost a child (as horrifying as that thought is) can really speak to that.

I've said before that infertility taught me lessons about letting go and realizing that I have little control over some pretty major aspects of my life. In looking at that now, I can see that it was preparation...groundwork if you will for my life as a mother. Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I like to be in control. While maybe not quite a "control freak," I do like to hold the reins. I know beyond the shadow of any doubt that I am a much better mother now than I would have been if things had worked out my way. Beyond the fact that I can't imagine my life with any other baby in it is the fact that I am a stronger, healthier, happier, generally better woman now than I was then. I'm sure I could have been a good mom but I wouldn't have been the mom I am now.

There will undoubtedly be many lessons along the road of motherhood that are going to remind me of this same point - that I ultimately have no control. It's a difficult life lesson to learn and one that undoubtedly needs to be reiterated time and again, at least for most of us. I think that whole point about walking a fine line is why mother's intuition can be so strong at times, and why it's so important to listen to those gut feelings.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T08:14:00.004-05:00

Charlie tried his hands at finger painting for the first time yesterday when we made his daddy a life-sized paper baby, good times!

Happy Valentine's Day!

An Unexpected Opportunity to Share

2010-02-11T22:25:00.004-05:00

Tonight our agency held its first panel discussion group about trans-racial adoption. Originally Michael and I were asked to speak on the panel; however, the community response was overwhelming for the agency so they politely asked us to be audience members instead. The email we received said something to the effect of, "The response to our proposed meeting about trans-racial adoption has been very positive with many more people than we anticipated agreeing to be on the panel of speakers. Several adult adoptees have been added to the panel, which will allow less time for adoptive parents to speak."

Honestly when I got that email my reaction was mixed. I was one part relieved because we've been so busy and this was one less thing to add to the list but the other side of me was miffed because, although I am by no means an expert, this is one topic about which I do have a lot of thoughts. Besides--what adoptive parent doesn't want an opportunity to share their story?

So whatever, I let it go. Michael ended up having to work tonight anyway and today was an exceptionally busy day for me at school. I decided I would attend the meeting as an audience member and absorb what new information I could. For some reason I had it in my head that the meeting started at 7:00 but it was actually scheduled for 7:30. It was a good thing I arrived early though because one of the panel members was unable to attend. When I heard that, I ceased the opportunity and volunteered to sit on the panel in her place. As my SW said after the meeting was over, "it was serendipitous."

I'm so glad I got to share our story! I felt like a valuable part of the group of speakers and it was so nice to look out into the crowd and see 20+ families, most of whom were listening intently to see if trans-racial adoption was something they could envision for themselves down the road.

The panel was amazing. There were four members from one family consisting of 11 children, eight of whom were adopted. The parents were there, along with their son and daughter, both of whom were African-American adult adoptees. There was a woman I've met a few times in the past who has adopted three children through our agency, two of whom are African-American, there was an adult adoptee from Columbia, there was a man with whom Michael works who, along with his wife, adopted their now three-year-old bi-racial son when he was a year old, there was me, and there was my good friend and her husband whose daughter is almost two and is of Hindu Indian dissent. Quite an interesting mixture of speakers to be sure.

We were each given a few minutes to introduce ourselves and share a little bit of our story with the audience, which was pretty powerful. After that they opened up the floor for general Q & A. Some of my favorite quotes from the evening were:

"You know, if we hadn't adopted our children, five or six of them wouldn't have lived."
"You love who you love, it's not about color."
A first-graders response to the question, "Why are those white people your parents?" "Because they adopted us! And besides, my dad is pink."

Many of the topics addressed tonight were issues I discussed in my recent post about race. The main points I took away from the meeting were things most of us already know but which still serve as good reminders. The bottom line is that while there are intrinsic issues surrounding it, trans-racial adoption is very doable. With the wealth of knowledge and information out there, combined with networking such as this meeting afforded me and others like me, white adoptive parents can and do raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children even when physical and cultural identity are completely different.

I let the meeting tonight feeling really good about what our future holds and about us as the unique and valuable family we are.

The Gift of Time

2010-02-10T14:30:00.015-05:00

This morning I woke up to one of the best emails I've read in a while:

"Eastern Michigan University is closed due to weather on Feb. 10"

If it had been me sending out that bit of good news, I would have added about a bazillion exclamation marks to the message! The thing is, my university never cancels classes...and I mean n.e.v.e.r! Even when all the other colleges in the area are closed they usually remain open. Not only was this a much-needed gift of a little extra time, it was a hugely unexpected and glorious surprise!

I still had so much to do when I woke up this morning; a physics lab report to finish, a reading assessment packet to complete and type, an art exam to study for and take...amidst all the other everyday stuff associated with existing and being a wife, mom and homeowner. Turns out the art exam was unavoidable despite the snow day; however, taking one test online is far better than the jumbled multitude of tasks I thought today was originally going to contain.

When you're a busy, multitasking mom...days slip by like sand through an hourglass. Sometimes I look at Charlie and I honestly don't know how he's already gotten so big, or how he can already do so many things. Although one day doesn't seem like much in the grand scheme of things, having a little extra time on my side to spend with my baby really was a tremendous blessing for me. Today meant a lot and we made the best of it!

First Charlie got to have some practice feeding himself, which is something he's done but probably not as much as he should have by now. I'm admittedly bad at this aspect of baby parenting. I get irritated with the messiness of baby feeding and playing with food. I have to make an effort to remind myself that he needs to learn how to do it himself, which involves a great deal of food play and yes, mess. Seeing his delight really helps me let it go. All I can really say is thank goodness for dogs who are experts at catching what he drops!

He was one hungry "Li'l Dude" and spent
several minutes concentrating on getting food into
mouth. The tuna noodle casserole I made was a big hit!

As soon as I let him have the spoon it was all fun and games.

Little Man figured it our pretty quickly!

This past week he's mastered the skill of
clapping. Any time he's really excited this is what he does.

Seriously, with those eyes how could I
not let him make any kind of mess he wants?!

After lunch, we headed out for a romp in the snow. Michael works from home on Wednesdays so he was able to join us during his lunch break. Good times!

Charlie watching as I attempt to
make a snow person. My efforts were
futile, we ended up with more of a deformed
snow blob that didn't survive for pictures. Oh well!

Charlie wasn't too sure about sitting in the snow but
he had fun watching Daddy shovel for a few minutes.

Michael leaned down to show Charlie a snow ball
and the boy decided to give it a taste, too funny!

We've had a great day and it's not even over yet...I'm so grateful for this unexpected respite and for my beautiful little family!

Yeah, About That...(My Thoughts About Race)

2010-01-31T16:15:00.002-05:00

We now have nine months under our belts as an interracial family. Nine months doesn't sound like much in the grand scheme of things but I can tell you that I've learned a lot during those months. This seems like a good time to share some of what I've learned, and some of my thoughts about what it's like to be a white woman raising a black child. This will be long but it's important for many reasons, not just to other interracial families. I hope you'll keep reading.

The thing is, I don't really know how to write about this topic. I have a lot to say, and I talk about race frequently with friends and family but for some reason writing about it is more difficult for me. Two fellow bloggers, Debbie and Andi discuss this topic on their blogs frequently. Sometimes I wish I could be more like them because I think open discussion of our thoughts about race and racism is central to any hopes our society has of finding solutions to the race related problems and dysfunctions we have. I think it's far better to come out and say what we're thinking or ask the questions we have than to cover it all up and pretend that racial differences between people don't exist or matter. Which actually brings me to my first point:

{For lack of a better way to organize my thoughts, I'm going to make a list of topics in no particular order and share my insights about each as they occur to me.}

Race shouldn't matter but it does. When you look at it rationally, why should the fact that my son has darker skin than the people who love him matter one bit? But it does. The simple fact of the countless (thankfully mostly positive) reactions we get every time we leave the house shows that it matters. In our society, race matters. I would like nothing more than to live in a happy-go-lucky bubble where I could pretend our differences don't matter, and as such shield him from that reality, but that's not possible. It matters and I think we need to acknowledge that fact so we can get past the pretenses of trying to pretend that we are "color blind" in a very colorful world.
Racism is still very prevalent today, it's just much more covert than it was several decades ago. If you look closely enough, you will see it there under the surface, plain as day. This is an edgy time for our society but I think we are on the brink of good change. I see racism in a few of the glances we now get...and occasionally in the wide open looks of disdain on faces in the crowd. It's there but it's submerged, and thankfully it's not everywhere. Racism stems from ignorance and lack of knowledge, as well as lack of personal experiences with people of different races and backgrounds. In this day and age there is no longer any excuse for that. The old adage about walking a mile in another person's shoes before making a judgment certainly holds true here. This is why I'm willing to talk to friends, family and complete strangers about race and about our experiences, because knowledge and information = power.
I want Charlie to understand and love his birth culture, but also feel that he's an integral and valuable part of this family and our culture. To me, the term interracial means exactly that - even though our cultural backgrounds are different, we are intertwined as one family and as such we are unique. Each of our cultures is value added to the equation and should be celebrated as such. Just like Michael and I built a new family culture based upon our unique childhoods and family backgrounds, so too will we now build a family culture that includes Charlie's background and cultural heritage.
I think it's important that (especially white parents raising black children) embrace black people as a whole. This is a tricky one, but I see it time and again. People seem to make an exception for Charlie, or put him in a unique category because of our situation, rather than accepting him as the black individual he is...as part of the whole. Does that mean that I love every black person I encounter? No...but it does mean that I respect and value black people as a whole, not that I make an exception for Charlie as the black child I've welcomed into my life. I hope that makes sense and doesn't come off wrong. Put it this way, I don't love every white person I encounter, but I do still respect and value white people as a group. The same must also be true fro black people as a group. I want my son to learn that he is a unique mix of his birth and adoptive heritage and culture, and that both groups are valued equally within our family.
I don't just talk the talk, I also walk the walk. I'll risk being painfully honest here. There was a time in my life when I was wary of black men. I would drive through what I perceived to be the "bad" part of town and lock my doors if I saw a black man. Those days are gone. This turning point occurred one day while I was at the grocery store, quite a while ago. There was a group of about four or five adolescent black boys right outside the door, blocking the entrance. At one point in my life I would have gone out of my way to avoid having to ask them to move. That day it suddenly dawned on me that my son would one day be a lot like them and that I needed to get over myself. It goes back to #4 a little bit. Those boys weren't causing any harm, and they certainly weren't any risk to me. I simply said, "Excuse me I need to get through." to which one of the boys replied, "Oh I'm sorry, my bad." as he moved out of my way. From then on I have made a point of trying to become more conscious of my own inner race-related thoughts and feelings. My belief is that we all have those (often erroneous) pre-conceived notions going on in our minds, of which we are sometimes even unaware ourselves. Until we start being brutally honest about our concerns and misconceptions, we can never hope to reach common ground or teach our children that there can be a better way.
A good sense of humor and thick skin are essential tools for any black child, and especially a black child being raised by white parents. The brutal truth is that Charlie is going to have to deal with comments and questions about our family his entire life. He has no option of keeping the knowledge of his adoption private. Every teacher he has and all his classmates will know that he's an adopted child. With our ever-increasing acceptance and education of unique family situations, things are getting easier. I fervently hope they continue to do so but the fact remains that as a family we are prominently displayed as "different" and that will (unfortunately) make us an easy target from time-to-time. I hope to be able to instill in Charlie a sense of pride in who he is and who we are so that when these times do come up, he will have a solid shield with which to protect himself.
In much the same way racism and bigotry are taught, so too are acceptance and tolerance. We must explicitly teach our children...all children...that acceptance of others, even (and perhaps especially) when we don't agree with them is important. In a big way, this means we must talk openly and honestly to our children about real-life differences that exist in our society and how that makes us feel. We must also be armed with our own information and knowledge so we can be prepared to answer our children's inevitable questions. More than anything else, leading by example and being willing and open to acceptance of other (no less valid) ways of being is truly the bottom line.
We must lead by example and model the behaviors we want our children to develop. Children need and want to see themselves reflected in pictures, books, advertisements, and in the world at large. They need strong, positive models (of both famous and everyday people) of their same race to whom they can look for examples of what they can become. Our current president is a huge step in the right direction, particularly for today's black children but there is still a long way to go. Those of us who are raising black children need to become knowledgeable and acutely aware of when and how black people are portrayed in children's books, on packaging, and in our visual/pop culture at large. Growing up as a white child, I was fortunate to see people and images who resembled me everywhere I looked and I took that for granted. Again I think we have made huge strides in this area, but stereotypes and imbalances are still entirely too common. The first step toward fixing this problem is becoming aware of its existence. Following are a few of the best books I've found featuring black children or culture. These are all unique but valuable stories that I will definitely read to Charlie in the future: "Wilma Unlimited," "Bud Not Buddy," "Anansi the Spider," and "Amazing Grace." I hope to be able to instill a sense of pride in my child by making a conscious effort to make sure he sees his culture in a positive light through books and media.
White privilege is real. Until you've stepped out of that comfort zone, you can't really see it's existence, but being part of the majority class makes life easier. If you are white, ask yourself what would happen if you woke up tomorrow and were suddenly black instead. That would undoubtedly mean big changes in nearly every facet of your life. For this reason, I am happier than ever that we live in a very diverse area with lots of colleges and open-minded people. I think that our proximity to resources and other families like us will help to pave the way for Charlie so that when he does struggle he will have somewhere to turn. But even so, the simple fact that my child is black and will someday become a black man means he will struggle in ways I never could have imagined as a child. As a mother, I want nothing more than to protect my child while I nurture and guide him, but this is one area of life where I will not be able to protect my son. He will be judged (sometimes very harshly) because he is a black male. Ouch, that hurts!
Physiological differences are real, but sometimes overemphasized. One of the very first questions I had was, "How do I take care of his skin and hair?" To be honest, I was a little scared of this at first and concerned that I wouldn't be able to do a good job. After all, this is one area where adoptive parents are often judged, sometimes harshly. Other black families look at our children's skin and hair to find out what we know and how much we've been willing to learn about our children's physiological makeup. There seems to be a lot of pressure and concern in this area. BUT...it's just not all it's cracked up to be. Skin and hair care is a concern, but it's by far no longer one of my greatest. I still remember when Charlie was tiny. I was sitting and chatting with one of my close friends, Nancy. She is from an interracial family where her mother is white and her father is black. I told her I was worried about Charlie's skin becoming "ashy," and she said something that has stuck with me ever since. "If you had darker skin, you would be able to see it when there were dry spots too." It was sort of like a light bulb went off for me. To overemphasize the fact that Charlie's skin shows its dryness more than mine is really silly. I put lotion on him liberally after every bath, and then I just touch up dry spots as I see them. Speaking of baths, I only give him once every few days as needed, which seems to work wonderfully. And I use a small amount of olive oil that I mix into his shampoo, which helps his hair stay moisturized. On non-bath days I usually comb a small amount of baby oil or other hair dressing into his hair in the morning and that's it. Granted he is a boy, which makes this part of my job much easier but I honestly find that it's not nearly as big a deal as I once imagined it would be. The other interesting thing about this aspect of parenting a black child is that people often want to touch Charlie's hair. Even little ones when we are out and about seem to have a natural sense of curiosity about his hair and will often reach out to touch the top of his head. I wonder how this will change as he gets older. Right now it doesn't bother me--and I think people sometimes want to touch for the simple fact that he's a baby but if this continues as he grows, I could see it becoming quite a nuisance.
Overemphasis and exploitation can be harmful too. Though I firmly believe in everything I've said here and I fully intend to be open and honest with Charlie in an age-appropriate and child-centered manner, I also think the issue of race and differences can be given too much attention. My goal as Charlie's mommy is to make sure I am informed and that I have access to helpful resources, but mostly to follow Charlie's lead in terms of when and how these topics are addressed. I want him to be a happy and carefree "normal kid" and not always feel like the one who is singled out because he is different. One of my greatest hopes is that I will be able to continually strive toward maintaining an open and honest relationship with my son so that he knows he can always talk to me about issues of race and/or adoption without fear of me clamming up, being closed-minded, or downplaying his feelings (whatever they may be.) Because of the situation we're in and the fact that we have a closed adoption, there will be painful times for Charlie and painful questions to which I cannot provide an answer. My hope is that I can teach him to be strong and to have pride in who he is while at the same time being open and honest with him that there are some parts of his life and his story that are tough.

As with all things adoption related, this has been a learning curve for me. Michael and I were always waiting with open arms for any child who came into our lives. Even though we still have a lot to learn as we navigate these waters, I wouldn't change who we are as a family for anything in the world. I welcome any questions and comments you may have but please be respectful of who we are.

Nine Month Notes

2010-01-28T00:57:00.008-05:00

Well, Mr. C. is a whopping nine months old today, I am shocked! Where has the time gone? Where has my tiny, squishy baby gone? Who is this crawling, babbling, drumming, adorable, and lovable little person who now follows me from room to room? He has quite the little personality emerging, that's for sure!

Month eight has been my favorite so far. He learned so much this last month that it's even left my head spinning a little. I'm still trying to figure out how it all happened so fast. Here are the things our 19.4 lb, 28 inch-long little man either does or understands:

He crawls! And he's apparently going to be one of those babies who goes directly from crawling to cruising since he already wants to pull himself up on everything!

He plays peek-a-boo (as can be seen in the preceding video blog post) and other games like when I smell his "stinky feet" and make a face. He laughs so hard!
He waves and clearly says "Hi" when he sees us or other favorite people.
He shares his paci and food with us--a high honor indeed!
He loves to read books. Today he even cried when I only had time to read Brown Bear once.
He's beginning to indicate what he wants with body language. Leaning towards books or toys, raising his arms to be picked up, etc.
He sometimes babbles or laughs in his sleep. It's the cutest thing in the world. I may have mentioned this in another post, not sure, but I find it interesting that I've always talked in my sleep and now our son does too. :)
He's practicing cause and effect by doing things and then watching to see what happens. This is most evident when he tries to pull my glasses off my face, or yank on my hair/earrings. All of these things are habits that we are very much trying to curb but I still find the observation of his behaviors and their consequences interesting. He's beginning to understand the words "gentle" and "no."
He's mastered the sippy cup like a pro now and for some reason thinks drinking water is extremely funny.
He seems to love just about every food I make for him. His all-time favorite is still sweet potatoes, but he also really loves brussels sprouts, peas, carrots, broccoli/cauliflower/carrot medley, lintel soup and whole wheat spaghetti with ground turkey and veggies. I'm really enjoying making him "real" meals in addition to the simple purees I've been creating all along.
We thought we had lost all of his pacifiers (a strange phenomenon in a baby-household, similar to disappearing socks) but today Michael found four or five of them under C's bed. I guess he must be throwing them out of his crib.
Speaking of his crib, he seems to have suddenly made peace with that part of his life. I won't lie, we've been struggling with the whole sleeping habits thing (another post) but now he seems to have gotten the idea that we do come back when he needs us or when he's ready to get up.
He loves to be sung to and will almost always stop what he's doing and listen when I sing. This is one of our nightly rituals, cherished by both parties.
He loves other music too, especially wind chimes. There are chimes on our porch that he likes and also chimes at my parents house that he looks for every time we go there.
He knows about the moon from "Goodnight Moon" and tonight he saw the real deal for the first time ever. He grinned from ear to ear, which was adorable!
He is really and truly happy almost all the time, even when it's clear he doesn't feel well. As such, he makes me remember what really matters in life.

Overall my adventures in parenting this amazing little boy throughout the past nine months have been tremendous! I continually learn as much from him as he does from me. There are parts of being a mommy (as with any job) that are mundane, gross, boring, and overwhelming but by and large, the joy I get from our son far outweighs the challenges. I can't wait to see what month nine brings!

Charlie's New Game

2010-01-18T07:34:00.004-05:00

If I had to wager a guess right now, I'd say our little boy is going to have a pretty good sense of humor. :) He's recently started playing games, and his laughter is contagious! I am hopelessly in love with this little person!

Be Glad You Adopted...

2010-01-12T20:13:00.008-05:00

So today was the day I received the first blatantly ignorant comment from someone when she found out I'm an adoptive mom.

This little exchange occured during my not-so-favorite class, math. We were doing introductions and after walking around and exchanging pieces of paper with three personal facts about ourselves with each other, this is what the girl said to me:

"Just be glad you adopted because man - having to give birth to a baby hurts like hell."

Really? I just smiled blandly at her and said, "An entirely different kind of pain." At that point, I think it was fairly obvious that I was annoyed, and she attempted to make more small talk with me. To be fair, this girl is extremely young, and quite probably simply doesn't know any better. But seriously?

And the really annoying thing is that I've been letting her comment bother me all day, which bothers me even more. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I wish I'd said, "Oh I am very glad we adopted, but that has absolutely nothing to do with my wish to avoid physical pain."

I wish people could be more informed and less blatantly ignorant. I wish they could see and understand that while adoption also creates families, it is really not comparable to child birth at all. And pain? I wish I had said, "Yeah...let's talk about pain." I certainly can't claim to have gone through any physical pain close to child birth, but I'd wager millions that the girl from my class can't hold a candle to the emotional wars through which I've come either.

Whatever. There is nothing to do but process today's events and move on. And of course, try to educate my new classmate when future opportunities present themselves...

He Made My Day!

2010-01-05T23:08:00.002-05:00

Of course, he makes every day for me...but what you'll see in the video below is pretty much what he's been doing all day long. Am I lucky or what?!

But I Don't Want to Go...

2010-01-04T22:16:00.007-05:00

I know I'm about to sound incredibly crabby and whiny, but I can't even help it. School starts again for me the day after tomorrow, and I honestly just do not want to go back yet. The "break" flew by entirely too quickly, and I am NOT ready to go back!! {Insert mental image of me kicking and screaming here}

There are a lot of things.

School is a lot harder with a baby than I ever imagined it would be...honestly last semester surprised me. Before Charlie, I can remember wondering what all those women who were moms before me and in school full-time were complaining about. At least they had babies!! Funny how I have eaten a lot of my own words since becoming a mom. It's a job that is inherently more difficult than it looks to casual observers.

And this coming semester entails both math and physics, neither of which are easy subjects for me.

Which brings me to my next point, I wish I could just be "Mom" for a little while longer. I'm very much NOT looking forward to all the multitasking that comes with being a full time student, wife, and mommy. The managing of chores, school projects, preparation...and so on. It's honestly quite exhausting at times. This morning after my shower, Charlie was ready for a nap so I cuddled up in bed with him for a few extra minutes of mommy/baby time. It was simply delicious, just me and my baby snuggling close with nothing else on the to-do list. I honestly wish I could have more of that before all the chaos begins again.

That's not to say that it will all be bad. I'm well aware that I have it better than many moms out there, simply because I don't have to be gone from the house five full days a week...and my son gets to stay here where he's most comfortable. I guess I'm just in whiny mode tonight, and I need to get a grip so I can start the semester off on the right foot. Hopefully my little rant will help!

Our Holiday Whirlwind!

2010-01-01T01:34:00.026-05:00

Hello again, Blogland! Can you believe 2010 is upon us? I absolutely can't, and truly can't begin to fathom where all the time has gone this year, and in particular these past few weeks.

Happy New Year to all of you, and a belated Merry Christmas too!

It seems a little bittersweet to me to be saying farewell to 2009, since it was such a momentous year for our family. There are so many joyful moments that I will never forget, it's hard for me to believe they are now part of last year! A fellow blogger, Patti put it very well with the following quote:

"It's actually kinda sad to leave 2009 behind ... the year our prayers were answered and we became...the most blessed parents ever!!!!!"

Christmas and the surrounding celebrations and festivities have been a joyful whirlwind around our house and with our family! We've had two big Christmas celebrations, our 13th wedding anniversary, a big New Year's celebration, and somewhere in there, we also celebrated three birthdays including Michael's! Oh, and little Charlie turned eight months old too!

I've had a great time through and through, don't get me wrong. Charlie's first Christmas has been very special for all of us, but still, I had such good intentions for this much-needed respite from school! Here we are almost at the end of the break and my to-do list still remains glaringly full. I meant to catch up on all your blogs, write more blogs of my own, clean my house, help my parents around their house, cook more dinners, start scrapbooking Charlie's first year, make more baby food, on and on. Instead, it seems every day I've been consumed by getting only the essential items completed with no time left for all the other things I want to do. There are still a few days left, and we all know a lot can happen in a few days but I'm left feeling a little shocked by how very quickly this holiday season has come and gone.

Our first Christmas with our baby boy was full of such joy. Waking up to the sight of our beautiful tree complete with gifts from Santa and stockings stuffed was momentous. Watching Charlie experience so many firsts, including his first Christmas Eve candle light service, his first stuffed stocking, and opening his first gifts was really special for me.

We just got home from our joint Christmas and New Year's Eve celebration with my family a few hours ago, and it was also full of joy and special memories for me. In order to accommodate everyone's work and travel schedules this year, we had to plan a late celebration. We also made a lot of changes to our normal traditions this year, the biggest of which was our collective decision to have dinner at a restaurant rather than spending a majority of the day cooking and cleaning our typical big meal.

I had a great time tonight, and as usual, there was an abundance of generosity on the part of my family.

Our bunch is beginning to get big to the point that celebrations are joyfully busy and messy. Chaotic is too strong of a word, but it's not entirely off the mark. I love knowing that Michael and I are part of this beautiful, growing group of people. I hope the coming years bring even more joy, laughter, and new faces into our crowd!

Where Charlie is concerned, he's getting so big! He has quite the litter personality these days...starting to play games, gesture, and be very specific about what he likes--or doesn't! The one thing that really gets on his nerves is having his face wiped. He flips a switch the moment he sees the towel coming, and he screams and fights like you're trying to hurt him! But the best part of it is that his outbursts end as quickly as they begin, then he's right back to his fulfillment of the title, "Happiest baby on our block!" He's on the verge of crawling any day now, which is so cool to watch. At the moment, he can scoot backwards about two or three feet, and he gets up on all fours and rocks back and forth pretty regularly.

He clearly wants to go, and one of these days he's going to figure it all out, then it will be watch out, World! He's also (at long last) gotten his first two teeth. They came in on the bottom first, and they definitely change the way his face looks. I know they've been hurting him quite a bit these past few weeks so I'm glad to see some progress being made. He is still babbling all the time, and definitely starting to piece together sounds of words he hears all the time. He still consistently says "Hi" and "DaDa," but other words have yet to emerge, even though I can see him trying to figure it all out when he watches me talk. He is such a happy little baby, so full of joy and wonder at the simplest things in life. We are truly blessed to have such a content little man with whom to spend our time.

In other big news, he spent his first night away from home this past Tuesday. I mentioned earlier in this post that Michael and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. Charlie spent the night at Auntie Holly's house as part of that event.

Not having him here was very strange for both of us, but overall the experience was a good one. To be honest, we both seriously thought about going to pick him up at one point, but we decided it was better to leave him be since that moment occurred at around 1:00 a.m. You'd think we would have slept soundly knowing we didn't have to wake up for him, but (even though we are so thankful to have family members we can trust with our son,) his absence was unsettling to both of us. It's peculiar how you can get used to something so quickly. We spent 12 + years sleeping in this house sans baby, and now that he's here, one night without him was just plain weird.

All in all though, we did have a great time celebrating our anniversary. We went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie, which was quite good. Sometimes I really can't believe we've been married as long as we have. Somehow in my mind I tend to hover around the eight year mark, and then I think about it and realize we've been together much longer. I'd do it all again though, even the ugly parts. I've learned and grown so much as a person, and as a woman in these past years, with Michael by my side. I truly do feel blessed to have such a strong, supportive, and charismatic man as my partner in life. He definitely brightens my days considerably!

Okay...I think I've managed to cram about enough photos and discussion of major events into this one post, so I'll stop for now. I do apologize for falling so behind on so many of your blogs lately. I've been trying to stay abreast of any major events by scanning post titles and doing a lot of skimming, but I honestly haven't had the time I need to read and really stay up-to-date. Hopefully the coming days will afford me some time to get back to the top of my reader list!

Peace and love to you and yours for 2010, here's to another great year!

Festive Firsts

2009-12-24T18:52:00.001-05:00

This season is full of festive firsts at our house! December 13 is always a big day for us since it's 12 days before Christmas, and the day we have always decorated our house, including getting our tree and putting up lights. This has been our special family tradition since Michael moved over here from Scotland 13 years ago, a few weeks before we got married. This year the day was even more special though because we included a trip to see Santa at a local general store. This was a different experience from the mall Santa in that it was much more relaxed and simple. We also took our own pictures, as opposed to paying lots of money for them to do it, which was important to me. Charlie was fairly neutral about the whole thing, not overly thrilled and not overwhelmed either.

As for me though, I was giddy just like a little girl. I can hardly believe this is all really happening! When I sat him down on Santa's lap for the first time...a little thrill went through me at the realization that this is our son. I used to dream about becoming a mom, and part of my vision was always the excitement and joy I would feel surrounding the holidays. All I can really say is that reality has been even better than my dreams. Sure it's different because there are obligations and finances with which I am concerned now that were never a part of what I imagined, but the magic is still here and it is very real. I know Charlie is too young to really get it this year, but he is still full of wonder at all the new experiences he's having. I love being the person who is providing those for him...I love being Mommy, soaking up the joy of my son's first Christmas!

Here we are, less than 24 hours away from the first Christmas morning when I will wake up, and for the first time in my life, be immersed in the experiences of the season through the wonderment of another person. Christmas has always been about sharing and family, but this year it's completely different for me to be "Mommy," in addition to wife, daughter, sister, and aunt.

I honestly can't wait...

A Hippie No More

2009-12-21T13:25:00.014-05:00

The moment of 12:47 p.m. EST was quite momentous for my dear hubby today...I chopped off all his hair! Until a little over half an hour ago, the man hadn't had a haircut in 20 years. He used to joke around with our nephew every time we saw him about how his hair was older than Nick.

But...life's about changing and today marked a big one for Michael. He always said that when we had a child he was going to get his hair cut to mark the momentous life-change of becoming a daddy. He picked today for the big event, as a way to commemorate the winter solstice, "for Charlie."

I'm still pretty shocked, and I think he is too, that hair has been with us through thick and thin! The length of the braid I cut off is 21 inches...wow!

Since I'm a far cry from a cosmetologist, our next item on today's agenda is to go to a salon where they can beautify my initial efforts.

And at the end of the day, our baby boy still knows Daddy, how divine!

{a little} Conflicted About Chirstmas

2009-12-06T22:20:00.003-05:00

With my entirely too busy semester finally winding down, Christmas is barreling straight towards us - I know it will be here in the blink of an eye. I've been feeling a little conflicted with what to say here on my blog regarding the topic of Christmas this year. Back then I wasn't even really talking about how sad I felt, but last Christmas was hard for me. I was reaching an all-time low, and was feeling more down than I could even admit. I can vividly remember holding my then tiny newborn niece during our family's Christmas celebration, and not being able to contain my tears, though I vehemently tried. Some tears of joy at her beautiful existence, certainly...but also deeply rooted tears of sorrow and anguish at what I didn't yet have at this time last year. I can remember that well-concealed pain, and it was intense.

Flash forward to now, and I'm less than three weeks shy of the best Christmas of my entire life! I am finally at that place where I will begin to be able to relive the magic of the holidays through the eyes of our son. At long last, we have the hoped for, dreamed of, and so very much loved answer to my (and so many of your) prayers.

Thankful, grateful, overjoyed, thrilled - none of those can even come close to what I really feel.

Hallelujah! I want to shout my joy from the mountaintops, I wan to dance and laugh. I want to sing.

But then I remember, and I stop in my tracks. I know some of you who read this are still where I was at this time last year. I know that pain with which so many of you are still struggling every single day, and I cry again. I know the impending holidays carve out the anguish and make your sadness that much more intense, that much more painful. I know like only someone who has been there can know.

And I struggle with how to articulate this. How - or even whether to tell you that I do remember. How to say to you (without saying any of the countless unhelpful things people say) that I haven't forgotten. That I know how it feels to be waiting, longing, hoping, praying, and hurting through yet another Christmas.

Then, I see the amazing reminder of our son when he smiles at me, and that John Mayer song, "Say" flashes into my mind. I realize that I do need to say what I need to say...that I need to rejoice and be happy as I enjoy the countless gifts I have been given this year, I realize that I can really only be where I am, as much as it pains me to realize and remember where some of you still are.

I've been sitting here for several minutes, staring at the screen. I've been trying to figure out how to end this post. I guess what I want all of you to know is that your pain and sorrow is not lost on me. Even when I (inevitably) get carried away with the joy this Christmas brings for my family, the sadness it brings for some of you is still tucked away in the back of my mind. Blogging, and this community of shared experiences is a gift for which I will always be incredibly thankful. The connections here are not something I will ever be able to fully understand, but I do know they are to be treasured.

So here's to you, blogland...and to all you've done and continue to do in my life. For the enrichment you've brought to my mind, my heart, and my spirit. May those of you who are rejoicing alongside me create memories this year that will last your entire life long...and may those of you who are still struggling know that you are not alone. May you be able to stand a little stronger against the storm with the knowledge that your sadness is not forgotten.

Saying what I need to say,

Every so often....

2009-12-03T19:19:00.003-05:00

...people come along in our lives with whom we have an unexpected and immediate connection. Surprisingly, I've learned that this can even happen in blogland where the connections are virtual but still so real. Kel is one such person for me. Ever since she and I found one another's blogs, we have been connected, inexplicably, in this way.

After a long wait, peppered with some pretty intense disappointments, Kel and Jer met their baby boy, J.C. today! This is one of those matches that makes me cry tears of joy, and makes me remember what this is all about. This little family is gorgeous in every way, and they deserve every ounce of happiness that comes their way!

When you have a chance, stop by Kel's Blog and congratulate her on the best blogosphere news I've heard in a while!

Raisinig Small Souls

2009-12-02T21:10:00.005-05:00

I found a really cool parenting advice web site that I thought some of you might enjoy. Check out Raising Small Souls. Be sure to watch the video previews when you have a chance, they are worth the time!

Sneaky Seventh Month

2009-11-29T21:13:00.009-05:00

With so much going on around here lately, Charlie's seventh month sneaked right up on us!

Our boy is becoming quite a little communicator lately. He's definitely beginning to piece a few things together. He's clearly saying "Hi" when he sees us or other people he knows, and he also says "Da Da," although that one's not always in context. I can also tell he's working really hard to find the word for doggy, and to articulate both of their names. He stares at them intently a lot right now. I'm still waiting for the ubiquitous attempt at "Mama," but still nothing on that front. He also gets really mad now when he wants something he can't have. I wouldn't exactly say he's throwing temper tantrums, but he's not far off. We're going to have lots of fun as this little man becomes more and more autonomous. :)

We still have no teeth, which really surprises me. I've pretty much given up on saying he's teething because clearly I have no clue when those little buggers are going to make an appearance! The world of homemade baby food continues to be lots of fun for me. He likes almost everything we've tried so far, with the exception of green beans. I'm still offering him those off and on in hopes that he will acquire the taste, but we'll see. We tried turkey on Saturday, during my family's big Thanksgiving dinner.

He was pretty unsure about that, but the texture was pretty gritty so I don't blame him. I think next time we try turkey I'll mix it with something that has a better texture and see if that helps.

Our baby boy has quite a charming little personality emerging, which has been a lot of fun to watch. Every so often something will strike his funny bone and he will laugh so hard he almost sounds like he's crying. Last week it was my mom spinning the sun catcher on our deck for him, and the other day it was me pointing to the little red bird on his wall mural and saying, "Bird." I have no idea why those things were so funny, but I still delighted in hearing his laughter.

He's completely in love with bath time right now too, which is making me wish I gave him baths a little more often. I don't want to unnecessarily dry out his skin, but I do so love to see him splash and squeal the way he does. His daddy bought him a rubber duck that has a flashing light sequence and he loves that thing! He lunges for it in the bath without a care in the world.

The past month has been great, and extremely momentous! I'm very much looking forward to our first Christmas with this little man, and all the other great things his seventh month will bring!