Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Year End Reflections

I'm finding it hard to believe 2009 is right around the corner. We celebrated Michael's 37th birthday alongside Christmas on December 25th and I realized I met him when he was 23 years old. That seems almost impossible, but it's true. We also celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary on December 29th (can you tell December is a busy month for us?) and that was also a great day. We have been through so much together and stayed strong through it all. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, solid, loving husband by my side.

As I reflect back on the year, I am realizing there are many aspects of my life for which I am extremely grateful. Our marriage, our home, our dogs, our family, our jobs--this life we have created, though not yet complete, is truly beautiful. I have long since given up trying to predict when our lives may be touched by the magic of a little one, though I hope that time comes soon. Still, what we do have is precious and treasured. Sometimes it becomes all too easy to focus on what's missing and on the things for which I still so long. It's easy to get bogged down and caught up in what comes next, instead of appreciating what's already right here. So, my goal for now is to be where I appreciate this life exactly as it is and to truly live in the moment. Wish me luck!

Happy New Year, Everyone...I am so thankful for all of you who are with me us on this journey!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

All Those Kids

I subbed in a 4th grade classroom today and we went down to the auditorium for a choir concert this afternoon. Watching those kids singing up on stage, it occurred to me that at least timing-wise, one of them could have been ours. We officially started seeking support for infertility when I was 25, but we had several years of doing nothing to prevent pregnancy prior to that. I'm 33 now so technically we could have a child as old as 10. Heck, if things had worked out according to my plans I'd have had a whole house full of the little buggers by now!

I guess melancholy would be the right word for how this made me feel. Not quite sad, but definitely pensive. I can't really imagine having a nine or ten year old right now, and yet that's what I had in mind back at the beginning of what has become a very long journey to parenthood. I know it will happen when the time is right, but I just wish that time could be now. I don't want to be any older than I am now to get started. Not that there's anything wrong with being an older parent...I know lots of people who are waiting longer and longer to start families these days. I just never thought that would be us and I'm ready to get the show on the road.

I don't really know how to explain this, but sometimes I still feel like a kid in a grown up body. Like sometimes when I'm leading a group of 30+ kids down the hallway, I wonder why the adults I pass don't question the fact that I'm in charge of so many kids. Then I remember that I'm the responsible adult in the vicinity and the realization that this is my real life hits me. I always used to feel like my life would start when ________ (fill in the blank) but the older I get the more I realize THIS is my real life, here and now...this is it.

Patience has never been one of my strong suits, and that trend is holding true with adoption too. I just wish I could know when it would happen and then maybe waiting would be easier. I'm such a control freak but I can't even help it. My expectation attitude is not where it should be today. Waiting sucks!!!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Expecting or Waiting?

The message on this morning's church bulletin seemed to have been printed just for me:

That is a powerful question, and one I haven't previously given much thought. Consider these two definitions:

ex·pect·ed, ex·pect·ing, ex·pects –verb
  1. To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of: expecting a telephone call; expects rain on Sunday.
  2. To consider likely or certain: expect to see them soon.
wait·ing –noun

a. A period of waiting; pause, interval, or delay

Clearly, looking back over this journey I can see that I've had "expecting" days and I've had "waiting" days, mingled with days that fall somewhere between the two. Lately, in particular, I've been waiting. Normally I consider myself an optimistic person, but in recent weeks there simply hasn't been much expectation in my heart. I've been struggling with my feelings, and after reading the bulletin blurb this morning, I decided I'm going to try to change that. I'm going to try to stay in a state of expectation, rather than a state of waiting. The differences seem subtle enough when you consider the language alone, but actually they are quite profound.

Interesting food for thought!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

A Precious New Family Member

My sister gave birth to her third baby today. I am thrilled to welcome baby Lydia Grace as the newest member of our family!

Sweet Baby Face...will she be a singer??

Big Sister, Ava Marie watches the new baby in wonder.