Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Visualization Realized

When I took this picture yesterday, I had the thought that this moment was one I had been imagining/dreaming of for years. I remember doing a visualization exercise in a writing course I took back in 2007. I went back and looked at my journal from that class and sure enough, on January 18 of 2007, this is what I found:

Prompt: What is the picture you want, in a future time?

My Response: "I want a picture of my own little boy or girl looking back at me, flirting with the camera. Absent from the photo are toys. There is no complication in this photo, no rain, no darkness, no fear. Adults are also missing from the frame but the child's expression leads me to believe they are on the edges, just out of view."

Before I took this picture, I wasn't thinking about that journal entry at all. Then I snapped the shutter and the visualization came flooding back to me. The realization of such a powerful (once mental) image now magically transformed into my reality literally took my breath away.

How divine!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Mixed Emotions

My thoughts are rambling all over the place tonight, as the clock is about to tick over into my second mother's day.

I just learned that E, a blogging friend I've been following for a long time now (through many ups and downs) is "finally a mom." I am on top of the world for her and want to dance around and jump for joy over her amazing news!

I remember this time last year as though it was yesterday. Baby C. was just about two weeks old and I was over the moon as a brand new mommy. I also remember how I had felt all those years prior, first TTC and then waiting. I will never forget how hard those times were. My heart goes out to any of you who are still out there; waiting and wondering, suffering in silence.

And then there are the birth mothers. Today is National Birthmother's Day, did you know that? These women are so often misjudged, overlooked and forgotten by our society but they are mothers too. They deserve to be honored for their selflessness, the tough choices they have made (and stood by) and the sacrifices they have made on behalf of our children. Without them, so many families I know wouldn't be. My family wouldn't be. That's a pretty intense thought and it matches my intense feelings about this topic right now. Words fail me.

Lastly, there's me as a mom. A little over a year later, the title of "mama" is starting to feel more natural to me...less extraordinary, although that in no way means that I've begun to forget that every moment with our son is precious. I don't exactly know how to put this into words either. My heart still swells every time I see him do something new, or when our sweet boy reaches out to me for a hug...but being referred to as a mom, as his mom, though still amazing and beautiful and wonderful, is no longer earth shattering. It's simply who I am now and it fits. I'm now an old pro at celebrating mother's day as a mother. When did that happen? I don't really know but it feels good. I feel as though I've spent the past year growing into who I was meant to be all along and now the shoe just fits.

I don't know if any if this makes sense...I just needed to get it out and process a little of what I've been thinking about this weekend. Happy Mother's Day, Everyone!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

It's My Moms'

This afternoon in class, someone leaned over to me and said, "You have amazing handwriting." It was an unexpectedly kind comment and without even missing a beat I replied, "Oh thanks, it's my moms'."

Then I looked down at my paper and realized that Charlie will never be able to look at his handwriting and automatically know where it came from. He will never be able to look at any part of himself and know, without a doubt, that it came from his first mom, or from any other biological family member for that matter.

An incredible wave of sadness washed over me.

Of course I know that I am his mom...and I will certainly pass my beliefs, habits, sayings, etc. down to him through nurture but there will be another part of him that will come from nature alone and we will never know the origins of that. What a loss.

I don't talk about {the absence of} his birth mother very much because honestly, it's a little too much for me to tackle sometimes. I think it's one aspect of our story that I'm going to have to digest in small pieces, as we go. I guess my realization today was one of those small pieces.

I'm okay really. The sadness didn't linger, it was more of an observation (a dawning really,) of some of the missing pieces and questions that will be an inevitable part of our future as Charlie grows. It does make me sad but because of my own nature, I go back to the fundamental belief that it is what it is and there must some reason for that, even if I can't completely understand from where I currently stand.