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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

How My Arms Have Hungered for This

There is nothing quite as sweet as holding a newborn baby in your arms, especially when that baby is yours. Before I met Charlie, I knew I would love my children...I just had no idea how very much I would love them. In only three short weeks, being a mother has transformed me.

To say that I no longer care about my own life would be inaccurate; however, I now care about my own life from a whole different perspective. Suddenly I feel I have so much more time in the grand scheme of things, because I've now achieved two of the most important life goals I ever will - marriage and motherhood.

I feel that if I can help Charlie grow up to be happy, healthy, and well adjusted, then I will have done well. I still have my own goals, hopes, dreams, and desires, but mostly they stem from a place of me wanting to be the best I can be for him.

To those of you still waiting--if you are reading these words, thank you. I know firsthand how very difficult it is to watch from the sidelines as other people fulfill the dream you hold so dear to your heart. Trust me (and bear with me) when I say it will all make sense when your time comes. I know that's the pat answer everyone gives, and I also know it doesn't soothe the wound while you wait, but it is completely true.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was meant to parent this child. Not any one of the dozens of others who crossed our path, but this precious boy. All my anger and bitterness has melted away...my resentment is gone but never forgotten. I was becoming someone I didn't like towards the end of our wait--someone I didn't recognize, and now that wound is healing.

There is nothing I can say to quantify the feelings I have for our son. There simply are no words that can capture the beauty and awe that comes with being a mother for the first time. This child, this tiny little boy, has already enhanced our lives immeasurably, just by being who he is. I keep thinking about our future and all the wonderful firsts we will get to experience with him. I can't really fathom what that will be like, but I feel tremendously fortunate to have been given this gift.


28 comments:

Tracey said...

GORGEOUS PICTURES! I LOVE THE ONE OF CHARLIE'S FEET WITH YOUR WEDDING RINGS!

Jamie said...

this brings tears to my eyes, because my heart knows exactly what you speak of. :) it truly is a miracle and i feel that all we have gone through has groomed us for the child/children we are meant to raise. :)i'm so glad your heart knows this fullness. :)
so happy for you, for me and for all the new moms who got to spend mother's day with the children they have waited and waited for. :)

Terri said...

melba -

we are led to the children we were meant for. i believe that with every ounce of my being. i can't imagine being mommy to anyone else but the baby i have. we wait, we pray, we hope, and in the end we are united. charlie was waiting for you. i am so incredibly happy for all of us who have been united and i know that those who are waiting, will soon know this peace.

terri

riddle me that said...

I have been reading your story for quite sometime, I'm lurker to the max. But, I had to come out of "hiding" to tell you I believe the first picture in the last set (with you and your husband holding stretched out Charlie) is probably one of the most beautiful newborn pictures I have ever seen. I love the contrast and the way he is positioned, his expression. Everything! It is gorgeous!

Evergreen said...

What pictures! So beautiful! And the one with the rings is too cute!

I never tire hearing about your experiences with Charlie. It gives me hope! And I do believe that our baby will come and the wait will have been worth it. And it's still nice to hear it from all you mammas!

littlezen said...

Great pictures! I found that once we found out we were "matched" all my feelings regarding our previous negative experience disappeared. My family kept asking me why I was so calm, and wasn't more excited (I don't know how they expected me to act). I just said that I was at peace.

emilythehopeless said...

thank you for your words directed at those of us still waiting. it hurts, but it is so good to hear you say the thoughts i have as my means of getting through this.. that some day, the perfect situation will arise and all of my pain will dissolve. i find myself constantly thinking about timing.. every little thing, every day that goes by leads us to our family.
your family is beautiful :)

Jill said...

I know I continue to tell you this, but I am still so happy for you!

The picture of your wedding rings on his toes is PRICELESS!

Claudia said...

oh wow, he's a STUNNER! Congrats on your lovely, lovely little boy! I found your blog reading the 'what to do while you wait' comments on Wendy's blog.

Rebekah said...

BEAUTIFUL!!!! I love the pictures...but I must know...did you get peed on?

Malloryn said...

Those are amazing pictures, and I love how you incorporated them into your new blog header. You both are such natural parents already, even just three weeks again. Thank you so much for the encouraging words for us "waiters". I love hearing all about your new life as a mom to Charlie. ::hugs::

Shane & Marie said...

What a great post. The pictures are absolutely beautiful! It is amazing how much love you can have for your child.

Becky said...

I KNOW!!! CRAZY isn't it?!!! SO in love that it hurts your heart! Makes you cry when you just look at them! Makes you stare, and stare, and stare for no reason!! It never ends....mine are 9 and 4....heart still hurts, still cry when I watch them sleep and think about the wonder that they are mine!!
And imagine.......they didn't have to 'come' from us for us to feel this way!!!
So loving watching you in this!!!
xoxo

holly said...

Same Melba...thinking of other people even when you are so deep in joy you can't stand it:) I have read every blog you've written these past few weeks...can't remember if I've commented or not, but the fact that you are still concerned over us "waiting ones" does my heart good. I'm truly so happy for both of you and Charlie...he is ADORABLE! I'm glad to know that things WILL all make sense someday...I believe that God will make all of it clear in eternity, but knowing that it can happen on earth helps, too:) Beautiful pictures...congratulations!

KLTTX said...

I am relatively new to your blog but wanted to say first of all that your words and the love that comes through are very touching. Isn't it amazing how instantly most of the hurt from the wait lessens (not sure it ever fully goes away). Those pictures are amazing and you, your husband and Charlie are all so blessed to have found each other.

hope548 said...

What beautiful photos!
You already know how happy I am for you, and all I can say is that I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm not nearly as eloquent a writer as you, but I can completely relate to what you have written. There is no way my husband and I could have created a more perfect child than the one we adopted and who is our son. He is beautiful and perfect and we know he is the child we were meant to parent. Funny how the big picture comes in focus once your dream is finally fulfilled!

Denver Jen said...

I love reading your words. I think it gives all of us who are currently waiting hope and inspiration that what we are waiting for will be so magical and "meant-to-be" when it happens. Thanks for keeping up on your blog amidst what I would imagine to be some serious sleep deprivation!

Ashley said...

Wow! Amazing words, amazing pictures!!!

Anne said...

I just love those pictures AND your blog updates. Those pictures are fabulous and your joy makes me happy.

Karen said...

Precious pictures! Your words express precisely how I feel, too. I hope some waiting moms find hope in them.

Leigh said...

What beautiful, beautiful photos. I love the one of the feet but they're all truly gorgeous and I love reading about your immense love for your son.

I can't wait for mine to be born (I'm 25 wks pregnant with twins after IF)

Jessie said...

Great post! I can so relate! I feel every day that Sylas is the child that was meant for me. I'm so gld tht Charlie has found you!

alicia said...

wow amazing pics! when did you get those done? I am thinking of doing some of those with Ivy too!

Kel said...

Hey Melba, thank you so much for your sweet encouragement over at my blog :D. You are the best!

And the Charlie photos are SO *gha* cute!

Christy said...

Love the pictures! They are gorgeous!! I can totally understand/relate to/remember how I felt with this post. So true. Thanks for sharing!

Kelly said...

Hi there! I came by your blog through a friends...we too have a transratial adoption and our daughter has truly changed our lives. Your family is beautiful!
Kelly

Tracey said...

CHECK OUT MY BLOG I GAVE YOU AN AWARD! I LOVE READING YOUR BLOG!

barb said...

Hi Melba,
These pictures of your baby are very beautiful. I am an occupational therapist and writing a book about child development. I see that you are an educator as well as mother and professional photographer. Would you be interested in providing a couple of baby photos? I can tell you more if you email me back. check out my web site at: BarbaraSmithOccupationalTherapist.com
and the publisher's website is at Theraproducts.com (ask for Karen or Paul if you want to make sure I am for real).
Thanks,
Barbara