Mommy My Moon

Tonight as I was tucking Charlie into bed, we sang one of our favorite songs, "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." As I covered him up, I said to him, "Goodnight, Charlie My Star."  In his sweet, sleepy little boy voice he replied, "Goodnight, Mommy My Moon,"  It was one of those precious, fleeting moments of motherhood that I wished I could bottle up and keep forever. 

He is growing and changing so fast these days, and I often find myself reminiscing about days gone by.  I do love now, but sometimes I just miss the simpler times from when he was younger.  Truth be told, we are all working hard right now, and our days are busy and sometimes overwhelming.  I often feel like my time with him is too full of all the things we have to do and not full enough of the things we want to do.

Tonight served as a powerful and precious reminder of how each and every moment we share with our little ones is special.  How each and every moment matters, especially to our children.  And...because I can't help myself, I'll leave you with a recent picture of the little man himself, plus his parents.  :)  See what I mean...he's growing up and changing so fast these days! 

A Little More Love...

So today marked a special milestone for our family.   We had a much-anticipated appointment after work, with our adoption agency!  That's right, we have officially begun the process of adoption for baby #2.  We are excited and actually--not that nervous this time.

It helps sooo much having already been through this process and knowing what to expect along the way.  That, and...I feel happy and content where we are in life right now.  While I absolutely do want to grow our family, and I do want another child, I don't care as much when that happens, or how.  I'm not sure that makes a lot of sense.  All I can really say is that I am much more relaxed this time around than I was last time.  I'm sure there will still be moments when it's hard or frustrating or whatever...but overall, I feel a sense of contentment and peace about the whole thing.

Que Sera, Sera 

Charlie was so cute then we picked him up from daycare.  We asked him if he wanted a baby brother or a baby sister and he said, "brosher."  I high-fived him for that because, deep down, I have a special little place tucked away in the corner of my heart for the notion of a family of BOYS.  Not that I wouldn't completely welcome and adore a baby girl, mind you!  Then walking into the restaurant where we stopped for dinner, I explained that Mommy and Daddy had been to the adoption agency today and that we were going to adopt a baby again.  I said, "But this time, you get to help!"  I asked him again if he wanted to have a brother or a sister and he said, "Ummmm...a sisser!"  Cut to our conversation at the dinner table, where Michael asked him the same question one more time and, after carefully considering for a minute, he said, "I want a brosher AND a sisser!" Now that is a boy truly after my own heart - covering all his bases in such an important matter.  Oh how I love him so.  I know he will make an amazing big brother when the time comes, I can't wait for that!!

  

 

           



   

It's Been a While!

It's been months since my last update so I actually doubt if anyone is even checking this blog much after my lengthy absence.  My last post just happened to coincide with some fairly sudden significant life changes, namely that I was offered a job as a 1st/2nd grade teacher.  This is my first year teaching and I also have another part time mentoring job on the side.  I'm still occasionally doing portraits for friends when I can as well.  All that is to say, I've been extremely busy these past months!  In fact, I still am extremely busy and it's unlikely that I'm going to be jumping back into blogging regularly any time soon.

Still - the holidays are upon us and that always brings out my sentimental side.  I just ordered our family Christmas cards and that made me think of last Christmas when Shutterfly did their big "free photo card" promotion for bloggers.   At that time, I was blogging like mad.  There are no free photo cards this year, but (how wonderful it is to say!) that's OK because greeting cards actually fit into our budget this year.   

Additionally, we are speaking at the adoption agency again tomorrow and that always makes me think of blogging and the many stories I've related to...families I've connected with through this outlet.  Blogging is so powerful and I do miss it.  I think that some part of me will always be a blogger, even if I end up dropping that ball for the time being.  I need to take some time to let things settle in my life and then figure out what parts of my personal life can fit where.  As thrilled as I am to have found a teaching job (they are frighteningly scarce in my state,) it's still been a whirlwind that has left me in survival mode for the past several months.

I am exhausted and overwhelmed but happy and productive too.  I guess that's about the gist of things!  I hope all my fellow bloggers out there are doing well and I wish you all a happy holiday season!  


 
           

   

    

When the Baby is Having a Baby...

That's right folks, the baby of our family, my little sister, is pregnant!!  I've known for quite some time but haven't really been prepared to share until now.  I am very happy for her as I know the journey to this place was less than easy.  While we definitely had a shared camaraderie in our experiences of infertility, I am so happy that her trip down that road has taken a different turn.  I love that our family is still growing, and I am so excited that my sister will get to experience the awesome ride of motherhood along with us now.

I had an incredibly special experience a couple of weeks ago.  I got to go to her prenatal doctor's appointment.  We heard the baby's heartbeat (nice and strong at 138-142) for a couple of minutes.  It was, quite simply, amazing.  I never got to experience that with my own son (and I am genuinely okay with that) but because of my sisters, I have been able to have small glimpses of what it's like to grow a baby inside your own body.  I'm so thankful to both of them for letting me experience, vicariously, some of the special moments that infertility tried to take away.  I felt very similarly when my older sister let me feel one of her contractions as she was beginning to go into labor with my now two-year-old niece.  All of the children in my life are extremely special to me and I love that our family is so close that I can be a part of their lives even before they are born. 

It's so odd for me, for the baby of our family to be pregnant.  She's always been the one we all looked out for.  Not that we don't/won't do that now but she's doing this thing - this amazing thing that's so much bigger than all of us, and that I've never done.  Pregnancy and preparation for motherhood requires her to be very much grown up and it's such a strange, yet beautiful thing for me to watch.  I love my family and my sisters more than words can possibly express.  This is an exciting time for all of us and I am so very thankful for the many blessings we have.

 
           

   

  

(The Absence of) Sunshine & Roses

Well friends...it's been a long time since I've really written much here. Mostly that's because of how busy I've been but it's also because I tend to get stuck when I'm struggling. It's hard for me to push aside the old adage, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Struggling may be too strong of a word for my state of being lately anyway. I know I'm not really struggling in the sense that some people are. There are many things in my life for which I am extremely grateful.

Still, my bloggy friend, Rachel kind of hit the nail on the head for me in her post (written a while back) called, "Life is Messy." Boy isn't it! And Rachel's point is her post is that we all try to pretend that our lives aren't messy but that in so doing, we neglect to tell our true stories, to show the nitty gritty reality of who we really are. I think she's absolutely right but I also think it's hard to let that messiness show. At least it is for me.

In any case, here's my attempt at telling the truth...at sharing my messiness with others so that maybe {?} they will learn something from my journey here.

So what is the truth...my truth? One place so start is that it's not all glory - I love my child but being a mommy is not all sunshine and roses. There are times when I really question myself as a mom, especially now that our son is a walking, talking toddler. I used to think I knew what I was doing with children...until I had a child! Now I just think parenting is a much harder job than you can ever really prepare yourself for. There are good days and bad days and there are many beautiful moments along the way but being a good mom (what is a good mom, anyway?} is hard work!

And...while being a "good mom" is one of the very most important things I do, it is only one of the things I do. Some days the stress of keeping it all together (even when I'm not keeping it all together) is simply overwhelming. Our house is often a mess, our dogs need more attention than they get, there is a garage full of clutter attached to our house, there are so many red blinking lights on my never-ending to-do list that sometimes the best I can do is to allow myself to take a nap. Now there you go, that's messy...but it is my truth.

Then there's money and our stress surrounding the current lack of it in our lives. This past year, having no more loan money for the completion of my education and no consistent income on my part. Well, it's been hard. There have been several times when I wasn't sure if we would make it through. But we always do make it, largely because my parents have helped us tremendously when it comes to making ends meet. But that's messy! I'm a 35 year old woman who is still in college and still relying on her parents to help meet expenses. As thankful as I am for their unending support, borrowing from them the way we've had to doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel like a heel.

Speaking of that education I mentioned above...it is taking FOR.EVER! I know I only have a few more months to go until I graduate and I know that time will FLY by but I have been at my whits end with this chapter of my life for longer than I can even say. I don't regret making the decision to go back to school and become a teacher, I think that's a good fit for me. But I also didn't imagine it taking this long or being this expensive, this draining for us. We are tough and we are sticking it out but Michael and I have both been pretty extensively stressed this past year and it's largely due to the fact that I'm still in school and I don't contribute enough to our financial house. I am exhausted just thinking about all the hurdles we've had to overcome. It seems there's always something unexpected that crops up and throws a wrench in things. And messy? What about the job market out there? As much as I can't wait to graduate, I'm terrified to be a job hunter in this climate. There simply isn't much out there when it comes to the teaching field in my state, and we're not in a position to consider moving. It's really alarming to consider the what-ifs in case I can't find a job. I really can't even go there at this point.

Lastly (for this post anyway) there is my relentless and exhausting yearning for more. More what, you ask? Well...more children, of course. I know that with the current state of things in our household I really have no business even thinking about adding to our family at this point. I know that in my brain but try telling that to my heart. I've had several stern conversations with her and she just keeps right on with her unreasonable demands. And what is it with human desire? Why do we always want more than we have? A big part of me feels guilty for even longing for another child. For years I prayed and begged God that if he would only give me ONE child, I would be eternally happy. Plus, I know firsthand how hard it is to not have any children and be wanting them. From that position, it is almost unbearable to hear someone say they want another child, to hear someone complaining about that. And yet, here I am wanting more...talking about wanting more. The truth is though, that I can't deny that part of myself. I DO want more. I have always wanted kids (plural) and I want our son to be a brother. Honestly, right now, I'm just not sure where it all fits. My desires pitted against our reality. Unfortunately, reality wins hands down (for now) but that doesn't change how I really feel in my heart of hearts. It doesn't make all the announcements of "seconds" from the families of children who are exactly (or close to) our son's age any easier to read/hear. I'm not bitter in any way, I am very thankful for what we do have; however, there is a part of me that still does (and probably always will) resent the people out there who can just get a whim to have a baby one day and then they are pregnant the following weekend. Not that I'm even wanting pregnancy, don't misunderstand...but I do want to have a bigger family and it is not going to be an easy process by any stretch of the imagination.


 
            

A Letter from Christmas Past

Charlie's second Christmas is only a couple of days away.  Time has flown by so very fast lately, I'm left with the distinct sensation of a spinning frenzy of activity akin to a blizzard.  How is it possible, already, that this is my second Christmas as a mama?  I can still so acutely remember the sadness that came with the holidays for me, through the waiting years...through my time before Charlie.  But that is gone for me now.  Gone but not forgotten.  Never forgotten.  I've been thinking lately about what it all means.  Seeing the Christmas lights sparkle and reflect in our son's beautiful eyes really makes me think about the magic of Christmas.  For me it is and always has been about the children.  That's a big part of the reason why waiting, especially during the holidays, was so very difficult for me.  I wanted a child so badly so that I could see and relive that wonder and joy through his eyes.  Now that we have the child with whom to share the joy of this incredible time of year, I find myself reaching back into the past and remembering what it was like before he came along.  If I could have known then what I know now, what would I have said to myself?  What advice would I have given?  What would I have done differently?

 
I guess part of my reflective state is due to the face that my baby sister is currently in the beginning stages of her own journey through infertility.  I wish it wasn't the case.  I wish pregnancy would come easily for her and that I didn't have to see her struggle.  But I'm also glad we have each other and...at the risk of sounding narcissistic...I'm glad she has me.  Those of us who have navigated the waters know that they can be very cold and lonely at times.  I hope I will be able to lessen her burden a bit, simply because I've been there and I remember.

So what would I have said to myself back then, if I could've had a glimpse into this future...if I could've known what I know now?

.....................................................

Dear Melba,

Smile!  Put on your coat of Christmas cheer for the world to see!  Your time will come, you will be a mom!

Right now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and experience this moment.  Relax.  Just breathe.  If you are sad, it's OK.  Feel sad...it will help you to pave the way for all the love that's going to pour forth from your heart the first time you hold your sweet son and kiss his tiny baby cheeks.  You will love him more than you can even possibly imagine right now.  He will color your world in ways you never thought possible.  He will bring joy back to you and multiply it by 1,000.  You have no idea what being a mom will be like.  It's not something you can know before it happens to you.  I will tell you that it's not as easy as you think it is right now.  It is rewarding and beautiful in many ways but it is also challenging and overwhelming in many ways.  You will be a good mom but you will also make a lot of mistakes and you will often wonder if you're doing things right.  You will question yourself more than you think you will and you will worry about that boy, despite your best efforts at putting that aside.  So...be sad and feel the pain as it is needed now, it must serve some purpose for you.  But also try to stay awake and alive to NOW.  Try to remember that for better or worse, every day does count.  Who you are today does matter tomorrow.  Give your husband a hug and tell him how much he means to you.  Tell him how much you cherish the time you have together.  Embrace that and hold it close.  Your baby will change your marriage.  In many ways he will strengthen it but he will also bring new challenges and new expenses that will require some adjustment for both you and Michael.  He will make you stretch and expand, in ways both pleasant and problematic. 

What I really want you to know...to understand...is that you have to be alive NOW.  One day in the not-so-distant future, you will look back on these times and you will wonder why you spent so much of your time feeling sad.  You will never forget how hard infertility and the waiting part of the adoption process were but you will wonder why you let those things encompass so much of your being.  So again I say to you, Melba...smile!  Tuck the sadness away and use it when you need it but don't let it overpower you.  You have to struggle some now so that you will appreciate more later but you have my permission to feel hopeful, alive and happy right now, too!

Sincerely,

Your not-so-distant future self...      

 
            

17-Month-Olds Are Sweet...

...or at least ours is.  These are the kind of encounters we have on a regular basis these days.  Now that our lives have changed, I miss my time with the little one more than words can express but the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is certainly holding true for us.  He wants me as much as I want him after we've spent the whole day in separate places. 



It's been a while since I've posted an update about the little man.  He's growing like a weed and we have so much fun these days.  He seems to pick up new words and abilities daily.  His favorite things at the moment are to open and close all sorts of things; doors, bowls with lids, water bottles, bottles with flip caps, you name it.  He still hasn't figured out how to screw tops back onto bottles or open doors that are already closed but he's actively working on it.  I love his little face when he's concentrating.  He squats down, sticks just the tip of his tongue out and his breathing slows.  I've tried, unsuccessfully, to capture this expression on "film" but here's an almost shot:

 

He's so precious, there are absolutely no words for how much I love this little person.  Last night when Daddy got home from work, Charlie was sitting on his lap.  Daddy said, "Charlie, what color is Daddy's shirt?" to which Charlie replied, "ojamonge" We both got a good laugh at his unique pronunciation of the word "orange."  He also says "beeoooou" for blue and he will sometimes say "ed" for red but not always on cue.  Our days right now are absolutely flying by and that's hard.  One part of me can't wait for next April because it means I'll finally be graduating but the other part wants to slam on the brakes because April also means we'll have a little two-year-old in our midst.  Hard to imagine that but I know it will happen fast.  

He's also developing quite the little sense of humor lately.  He's always been a face-maker but now that he's learned he can make people laugh with his antics, they are a regular part of his repertoire.  LOVE!

      

Transitioning

Well, we're on to week two of me being out of the house five days a week now.  It's been eons since my last post but there are good reasons for that, even though tonight is not the night I plan on spending time going into them.  :)  Suffice it to say, we have been busy but (almost entirely) in a happy, productive sort of way.

We had a great family vacation week at the end of August that closed the books on summer for us.  I'm hoping I'll be able to find time to write and/or post pictures about that sometime soon but we'll have to see.

So far, things with the new schedule/routine are going well.  Charlie has cried every morning I've dropped him off at day care so far, which is excruciating for me.  Even though I know he's completely over the sadness before we even get out of the neighborhood, I hate walking out the door when he's upset.  He's also been thrilled to see us when we come to get him each afternoon, which is so very rewarding for the mama in me.  The hours in between seem to have gone very well, from what I can tell.  His caregiver sent some pictures home today and it was really nice to see him smiling and happy.  He's eating and sleeping with no issues while he's there so I'd give the whole arrangement a pretty high rating so far...even though it is still hard for me to be leaving my baby boy every day.

Speaking of me, I haven't figured out what, if anything I plan to write publicly about my student teaching experiences.  I've been writing feverishly in my paper journal but feel a little apprehensive about sharing information out here, where (literally) anyone can access it.  I may change my mind and do a weekly synopsis on my other blog though, I'm just not sure yet.  From the big picture perspective, things are going very well.  I'm really loving the children.  Five and six year-old kids are some of the sweetest there are.  I'm learning a lot and staying extremely busy, to the point that I'm literally collapsing into bed by about 10:00 every night.

Regarding the little one and the drama surrounding sleep that I left hanging from my last post, things have gotten better but the problems are not resolved.  All of your comments were very helpful and very much appreciated so thank you.  I think I've stopped beating myself up and feeling as though I should be able to do better, which has alleviated some of the stress.  I'm just trying to focus on our son and his needs and let those lead the way.  At some point, he will sleep through the night without needing reassurances from us and until then...well, it could certainly be worse!

For the time being, I'm soaking up every single moment I can get with him.  The little man seems to learn something new and get a little bit cuter every single day. 

Quality vs. Quantity

Today was one of those days...you know the kind.  Running all over the place but not really accomplishing much at all.  I had a lot of school stuff to do and a standing social obligation that I didn't want to pass up.  Hence, I had very little time with the boy today.

Still, when we were together, we were cuddling and laughing and happy.  Certainly that counts for something, right?  I hope it counts for a lot because come the fall, when I start my full-time student teaching stint, that's the way things are going to be for us, most of the time.

I'm literally split right down the middle about the major changes that are headed our way in a little over a month.  One part of me is excited in a great anticipation sort of way and one part of me is terrified in an, "I don't know if I can do this" sort of way.  On top of my own anticipation/fear came the news that we will need to find new child care arrangements for C.  This development was not terribly surprising but still makes me feel sad.  We had a great arrangement going last year and I'm sad to see it go.  On the other hand, C. is getting to the age where it will be very beneficial for him to be around other kids and to have a little more structure to his days.  Yet again, I feel split right down the middle:  One part sad and one part excited to see what the next chapter holds.

I know it will all be fine.  I know plenty of people work full time (plus!) and still manage to maintain a great relationship/bond with their children.  I know many of you do it.  My sister does it.  I also know plenty of people who greatly enjoy their work away from home because they feel truly connected when they come back, rejuvenated rather than burned out.  Besides, it's not like I've been home full time forever.  I've had the blessing of two beautiful, languid summers with C. but I've also been pretty consistently busy with school since he was four months old.  I guess what I'm most worried about/scared of is the loss of my flexibility.  School allows for that...not only in terms of scheduling but in case anything unexpected comes up out of the blue.  While I do place attendance high on my list of priorities, I don't have to go to school if I don't want to.  With student teaching, I will put my very best professional foot forward and work...probably harder than I ever have before {not that I don't work hard now or haven't in the past} and it will all be for no pay.  That's an exhausting prospect no matter how you slice it.  At the same time, I can't wait to experience the whole picture of life in the classroom as someone other than the substitute teacher for the day...to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, so to speak, and get my feet wet for what my future career will really be like.

Ahhhh...I'm just so mixed, so all over the place about how I really feel.  And the time is flying by, fast!  Today was a glimpse into how I'm going to feel every day come the fall and it was bittersweet for me, in a big way!        

A Few Words

Little C. has been talking up a storm lately.  He likes to say words one time and then refuse to repeat them, leaving his mommy to wonder if he really said the word or if she just imagined it.  But he is learning so much right now and really seems to be trying to break the language code.

My favorite thing is when he looks right at me and spews off a long string of baby babble, complete with inflection and varying pitch/volume/tone.  He's clearly saying something important, I just don't know what!

Last night as we walked two houses down to visit one of my best friend's, Nancy, he saw her yard and said, "Nacy."  That was it though, he refused to say her name again the rest of the night.  Then this morning, as he pulled my glasses off the headboard of our bed to hand them to me (which he does every morning) he said glasses, only he didn't clearly pronounce the "gl" part.  Yeah, that was funny.  He also said umbrella tonight when we were having dinner with my parents out on their deck.  It sounded surprisingly clear (umbedda) but yet again, he wouldn't repeat himself for anything!  His other current favorite words are duck, truck, fishy, up (upeee,) uh-oh, brush, yay (as he claps,) no (sounds more like none,) varying animal sounds and hi or hello.

LOVE!

Kissing the Curls Goodbye!

Today was a big day for our little boy. He had his very first hair cut! I think this is what he wants to say about the experience:

Lord have mercy, that picture makes me want to start crying all over again...he surely does know how to push my buttons! But, although he wasn't a happy camper, he did survive and manage to recover his composure pretty quickly, not to mention the fact that he looks absolutely adorable (and oh so much older) post-hair cut!

To be honest, the whole experience was overwhelming for me...and I think for all of us. I had it in my mind that we needed to go to an official barber shop, someone who knew what they were doing when it comes to caring for and handling African-American hair. Problem was, we didn't have an appointment and it was harder than you might imagine to find someone who was willing to take a walk-in for a baby. The place we finally did locate was the fourth place we stopped. I'm glad they were willing to do the job because otherwise I would've given up at that point.

Here's the little guy, as happy as can be...blowing raspberries while we waited our turn.

And here's the obligatory "after" shot, once he had calmed down a bit. Where has my little baby gone??

They did a great job and I would definitely go back BUT...we had to wait for almost two hours for our turn! Yes, TWO HOURS sitting there in uncomfortable chairs, trying to keep our toddler occupied and at the same time well-behaved. If I had known it would be that long we would have changed plans but the time kept ticking by little by little. I didn't really want to leave and lose our place in line but man...my patience was worn pretty thin by the time all was said and done. Also, holding Charlie while he cried and tried desperately to release himself from my grasp was not a pleasant experience. Even though the actual cut didn't take that long, it was exhausting. I had intentions of keeping his hair a little longer than it is but because his curls were so thick, the clippers kept getting stuck. At the barber's suggestion, we decided to clip it all off. Although I do miss the curls and would have preferred to leave some hair, I couldn't bear putting him through any further misery. I guess the great thing about hair is that it grows back, right?! I'm glad that experience is behind us...I hope the next time (when he's a bit older and we're better prepared) will go more smoothly.

Mixed Emotions

My thoughts are rambling all over the place tonight, as the clock is about to tick over into my second mother's day.

I just learned that E, a blogging friend I've been following for a long time now (through many ups and downs) is "finally a mom." I am on top of the world for her and want to dance around and jump for joy over her amazing news!

I remember this time last year as though it was yesterday. Baby C. was just about two weeks old and I was over the moon as a brand new mommy. I also remember how I had felt all those years prior, first TTC and then waiting. I will never forget how hard those times were. My heart goes out to any of you who are still out there; waiting and wondering, suffering in silence.

And then there are the birth mothers. Today is National Birthmother's Day, did you know that? These women are so often misjudged, overlooked and forgotten by our society but they are mothers too. They deserve to be honored for their selflessness, the tough choices they have made (and stood by) and the sacrifices they have made on behalf of our children. Without them, so many families I know wouldn't be. My family wouldn't be. That's a pretty intense thought and it matches my intense feelings about this topic right now. Words fail me.

Lastly, there's me as a mom. A little over a year later, the title of "mama" is starting to feel more natural to me...less extraordinary, although that in no way means that I've begun to forget that every moment with our son is precious. I don't exactly know how to put this into words either. My heart still swells every time I see him do something new, or when our sweet boy reaches out to me for a hug...but being referred to as a mom, as his mom, though still amazing and beautiful and wonderful, is no longer earth shattering. It's simply who I am now and it fits. I'm now an old pro at celebrating mother's day as a mother. When did that happen? I don't really know but it feels good. I feel as though I've spent the past year growing into who I was meant to be all along and now the shoe just fits.

I don't know if any if this makes sense...I just needed to get it out and process a little of what I've been thinking about this weekend. Happy Mother's Day, Everyone!

365 Days Later, Part Three - Today was the Day!

Do you remember THIS news? Today was the day last year when we got THE CALL, as we were sitting at dinner with most of my family, as well as my sister's future in-laws. That day was shocking, surreal, joyful, unbelievable, scary, overwhelming, exciting, everything all rolled into one.

I will never forget how I felt when that call finally came. My hands were shaking and the room was spinning. I'll never forget the shouts of joy as I put the phone to the side and looked at my family (who had, by that time, figured out that something was happening and were staring intently at my end of the table.) I said, "We have a baby boy!" and all I remember is an eruption of excitement as my older sister, Nan literally landed in my lap from her place across the table from me. People seemed to be right up in my face, asking a million questions, though I know that was just my perception because I was overwhelmed.

I was so happy for my little sister, Holly. That was the night of her pinning ceremony for graduating from nursing school. That had been a long road for her too so our family was in full celebration mode. It was hard for me to concentrate on anything but the baby I was about to meet but I did the best I could trying to remain present.

Actually I sobbed off and on through most of the ceremony. People around me kept looking but for once in my life, I just let the tears flow, unchecked, down my cheeks. They started when my older sister gave me the "Mother's Blessing" ring she had been carrying in her purse for...years, while she waited for our baby. I was doing okay up until she slipped that into my hand. I walked out to the lobby and she followed. She hugged me and I just sobbed on her shoulder for several minutes.

Come to think of it, I cried pretty regularly (A LOT) for about the first month of Charlie's life. Thinking of that now, I'm pretty sure those tears were important. They helped me officially close that chapter of loss and grief in my life and move on...opening my heart to the blessings of motherhood.

Wow. That's all I can really say. My eyes fill with tears again now thinking back to that day, when our whole lives changed forever. When we found out about a precious, tiny baby boy who would become our son and who has since filled our home and our hearts with more love than can really be measured.

52 Weeks

When you say it like that, a whole year doesn't sound all that significant. Weeks go by at the speed of light these days so it's easy to see how 52 of them can pile up, one on top of the other, creating a whole year.

Throughout this past year, I've been recording Charlie's growth each week. To show how he's changed, I've photographed him with his first teddy bear once a week for the past 52 weeks. This bear is a huge, blue creature that my dad bought for us on the day we brought the baby home. This is a gift that has particular significance in our family because my dad also bought one for my nephew, Nick when he was born, 16+ years prior to Charlie.

When we got home from the hospital last year and I finally got to see the beautiful nursery my family had decorated for our new baby, the sight of this big, blue bear is what brought me to tears. I couldn't believe my dad had been able to find the exact same bear for Charlie that he bought for Nick so many years ago. Needless to say, this stuffed animal is a keeper for us. As you can see below, it's doubled as a great prop/size comparison for our regular photo shoots over the past 52 weeks.

(click on the image to enlarge)

A 12 x 18 version of this collage is something I've been working on a lot this year, particularly lately. Now that I'm finally done, it will serve as a decoration for Charlie's birthday party this weekend. I love to look at how much our son has changed in only 52 weeks but I have to say that it makes me a little sad to be done with this huge project.

Walk This Way

Well it's official, four short days before his first birthday, our little boy took his first steps! The video below is pretty shaky...but at least you can briefly see him in action. It's honestly a little surreal for me. I can't believe this is really our lives. There was a time when I thought I'd never have the chance to experience these milestones. Tonight, when I heard Michael say to Charlie, "Oh my son, I'm so proud of you." after he walked across the kitchen floor...it was a very sweet moment...we are both so very proud of our precious little man!

Elevensies

A post about second breakfast? No not exactly...but the title was so cute that I decided to use it anyway. Mr. Baby is 11 months old today. Yes, I said eleven!

***please forgive the quality of the photos in this post, they're cell phone images***

He's getting big. Starting to communicate. Thinking about climbing. Becoming very mobile. Soon he won't even be a baby anymore. *sigh*

But it's good too--life is good, if extremely hectic! I took some time a few days ago to read back through some of the posts I wrote when we got THE CALL about him and it still made me cry. How far we have come since this time last year. This spring has me showing all the amazing sights and sounds of the world to my son, while last spring had me questioning life in general. Wow. But enough about that...here are the goods about the boy and what he's been up to this past month:

He's a master crawler now and has quickly turned that into proficient cruising too. He also does a funny little thing where he crawls with one leg up, especially on hard-surface floors. You can see it for a second or two in the (goofy) video below, which was created at the beginning of March.

He's beginning to get big, he weighs exactly 20 pounds and is 28.5 inches long...time for a new car seat! I am continuously amazed by his communication abilities and what he's saying, trying to say, or understanding.

He consistently says:

• hi,
• mama
• dada
• yum-yum
• bye
• ball
• light
  
• grrrrr (or growling)
  

and he's been actively practicing:

• baby
• dog/Ditto/Dinah
• good
• bottle

He also understands so many things even though he hasn't started saying them yet:

• Names for other important people in his life
• waving
• give me five or fist bump
• Kiss/give me a kiss
  
• where did it go/where are you going
  
• come here
• go get it
  
• glasses
• give it to me/can I have it (usually when he has my glasses)
  
• don't eat it
• gentle
  
• are you hungry/want a bite
• cup/want a drink
• cold/hot
  
• water/splash/bath
  
• yes/no (he shakes his head back and forth every time I nod mine)
• home
• window/outside
• sky
• bird
• book
• look (and he points now too, at books or in the grocery store, SO cute)
  
• brown bear-brown bear animals (he will usually point to the correct ones on his blanket or in the book)
• moo
• duck
• dance/skate
• song/sing
  
• eye
• nose
• ear
• teeth
• tongue
  
• hands
• socks/feet
• our "stinky feet" game where he touches his nose to his own feet (cute) or our feet (even cuter) and then makes the same sour face he makes for food he doesn't like.
  

He's doing great and he never ceases to amaze me with his new abilities and what he can comprehend! Every day is such a joy and it seems there are things I could add to the "What Charlie Knows" list all the time. He now has two new top teeth, which have come in at different rates but still make him look completely adorable. I think this is a big part of the reason he's started experimenting with so many new sounds/words lately...his mouth now feels different so he can try new things.

His experiences with food continue to go really well. He's pretty much eating what we eat now, although I still enjoy making him veggie and fruit purees that I freeze. He's learned how to start telling us what he thinks now with his sour face and yuck face. The really funny thing is when he makes the sour face with a food that clearly isn't at all sour. He's figured out that we think he's cute when he makes those faces so he performs for us. :) He's definitely an independent boy when it comes to food. Depending on his mood, he sometimes won't even try a new food unless he can feed it to himself. He's also beginning to master his sippy cups, which is so cute to me since they still look so big in his little hands.

Bottle time is still very much a special bonding ritual for us and that's the one time when he's perfectly content to relax and let me take over. I cherish these moments even more now because I know they are limited. With the days flying by so quickly, sometimes I just want to stop the clock and hold my baby boy a little while longer.

I can hardly believe there is only one more month before this amazing little child turns ONE.

Ten Months Today!

As unbelievable as it is, little Charlie is ten months old today. He's becoming quite the mobile little man and he's getting more independent by the day. He's still a social butterfly baby who wants to be where we are but he's beginning to want to investigate more than he has in the past. He is a fast crawler and he's even gotten brave enough to stand up without any support once or twice. His personality is endearing. He's loves to play games (he invents new ones every day!) and there's a lot of laughter around our house lately. :) During the past couple of weeks he started laughing when we laugh or fake coughing to see what kind of reaction he can get from us. Cute!

This morning after his wake up bottle he came into our room. We all fell back asleep for a little while and the next thing I knew, he was sitting up next to me in the bed, just looking at me. What a lovely sight to see first thing in the morning!

He's also beginning to test his limits in terms of what he does and doesn't want to do. He hates getting his face wiped after he eats (like most babies) and he's starting to protest diaper changes too. His mini-temper tantrums are a little funny, although I know it's kind of wrong for me to laugh at him. He's into everything right now and is consequently becoming quite familiar with the word, "No." So far we haven't had any major mishaps, although he has had a couple minor bumps. We're all getting the hang of rolling with the punches and laughing off the tumbles, though that's still hard for yours truly.

He's a big fan of kisses lately, which I love. He cruises along the furniture, giving kisses the whole way. I think he's thinking about giving the dogs kisses when he's doing that since they are usually on the couch just out of his reach. He will also crawl over to us in the middle of playing and give us kisses, its so sweet!

We've finally gotten quite a bit of snow here in MI during the past couple of weeks. I always make a point of talking to Charlie about what's happening, both inside and out. He seems to enjoy watching the snow from our front window and we've gotten bundled up and headed out to play whenever it's been warm enough. Apparently he loves to swing:

His favorite books right now are Goodnight Moon and The Rainbow Fish. I especially love the way he's started pointing at pictures lately. He can even find a few items in some of his books, like fish, birds, baby body parts, doggies and so on. It goes without saying that I am biased; however, I think we have a smart little guy on our hands! :)

This past month has been yet another whirlwind but it's been a joyful one. I'm on "spring break" from school this week and I'm very much looking forward to a little extra time with our baby. Although I am (of course) thrilled that he's happy and healthy, he's becoming a big boy a little too quickly for me! It will be a welcome relief to slow down a little, even if only for one week.

But I Don't Want to Go...

I know I'm about to sound incredibly crabby and whiny, but I can't even help it. School starts again for me the day after tomorrow, and I honestly just do not want to go back yet. The "break" flew by entirely too quickly, and I am NOT ready to go back!! {Insert mental image of me kicking and screaming here}

There are a lot of things.

School is a lot harder with a baby than I ever imagined it would be...honestly last semester surprised me. Before Charlie, I can remember wondering what all those women who were moms before me and in school full-time were complaining about. At least they had babies!! Funny how I have eaten a lot of my own words since becoming a mom. It's a job that is inherently more difficult than it looks to casual observers.

And this coming semester entails both math and physics, neither of which are easy subjects for me.

Which brings me to my next point, I wish I could just be "Mom" for a little while longer. I'm very much NOT looking forward to all the multitasking that comes with being a full time student, wife, and mommy. The managing of chores, school projects, preparation...and so on. It's honestly quite exhausting at times. This morning after my shower, Charlie was ready for a nap so I cuddled up in bed with him for a few extra minutes of mommy/baby time. It was simply delicious, just me and my baby snuggling close with nothing else on the to-do list. I honestly wish I could have more of that before all the chaos begins again.

That's not to say that it will all be bad. I'm well aware that I have it better than many moms out there, simply because I don't have to be gone from the house five full days a week...and my son gets to stay here where he's most comfortable. I guess I'm just in whiny mode tonight, and I need to get a grip so I can start the semester off on the right foot. Hopefully my little rant will help!

A Hippie No More

The moment of 12:47 p.m. EST was quite momentous for my dear hubby today...I chopped off all his hair! Until a little over half an hour ago, the man hadn't had a haircut in 20 years. He used to joke around with our nephew every time we saw him about how his hair was older than Nick.














But...life's about changing and today marked a big one for Michael. He always said that when we had a child he was going to get his hair cut to mark the momentous life-change of becoming a daddy. He picked today for the big event, as a way to commemorate the winter solstice, "for Charlie."

I'm still pretty shocked, and I think he is too, that hair has been with us through thick and thin! The length of the braid I cut off is 21 inches...wow!



Since I'm a far cry from a cosmetologist, our next item on today's agenda is to go to a salon where they can beautify my initial efforts.














And at the end of the day, our baby boy still knows Daddy, how divine!

{a little} Conflicted About Chirstmas

With my entirely too busy semester finally winding down, Christmas is barreling straight towards us - I know it will be here in the blink of an eye. I've been feeling a little conflicted with what to say here on my blog regarding the topic of Christmas this year. Back then I wasn't even really talking about how sad I felt, but last Christmas was hard for me. I was reaching an all-time low, and was feeling more down than I could even admit. I can vividly remember holding my then tiny newborn niece during our family's Christmas celebration, and not being able to contain my tears, though I vehemently tried. Some tears of joy at her beautiful existence, certainly...but also deeply rooted tears of sorrow and anguish at what I didn't yet have at this time last year. I can remember that well-concealed pain, and it was intense.

Flash forward to now, and I'm less than three weeks shy of the best Christmas of my entire life! I am finally at that place where I will begin to be able to relive the magic of the holidays through the eyes of our son. At long last, we have the hoped for, dreamed of, and so very much loved answer to my (and so many of your) prayers.

Thankful, grateful, overjoyed, thrilled - none of those can even come close to what I really feel.

Hallelujah! I want to shout my joy from the mountaintops, I wan to dance and laugh. I want to sing.

But then I remember, and I stop in my tracks. I know some of you who read this are still where I was at this time last year. I know that pain with which so many of you are still struggling every single day, and I cry again. I know the impending holidays carve out the anguish and make your sadness that much more intense, that much more painful. I know like only someone who has been there can know.

And I struggle with how to articulate this. How - or even whether to tell you that I do remember. How to say to you (without saying any of the countless unhelpful things people say) that I haven't forgotten. That I know how it feels to be waiting, longing, hoping, praying, and hurting through yet another Christmas.

Then, I see the amazing reminder of our son when he smiles at me, and that John Mayer song, "Say" flashes into my mind. I realize that I do need to say what I need to say...that I need to rejoice and be happy as I enjoy the countless gifts I have been given this year, I realize that I can really only be where I am, as much as it pains me to realize and remember where some of you still are.

I've been sitting here for several minutes, staring at the screen. I've been trying to figure out how to end this post. I guess what I want all of you to know is that your pain and sorrow is not lost on me. Even when I (inevitably) get carried away with the joy this Christmas brings for my family, the sadness it brings for some of you is still tucked away in the back of my mind. Blogging, and this community of shared experiences is a gift for which I will always be incredibly thankful. The connections here are not something I will ever be able to fully understand, but I do know they are to be treasured.

So here's to you, blogland...and to all you've done and continue to do in my life. For the enrichment you've brought to my mind, my heart, and my spirit. May those of you who are rejoicing alongside me create memories this year that will last your entire life long...and may those of you who are still struggling know that you are not alone. May you be able to stand a little stronger against the storm with the knowledge that your sadness is not forgotten.

Saying what I need to say,