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Sunday, December 6, 2009

{a little} Conflicted About Chirstmas

With my entirely too busy semester finally winding down, Christmas is barreling straight towards us - I know it will be here in the blink of an eye. I've been feeling a little conflicted with what to say here on my blog regarding the topic of Christmas this year. Back then I wasn't even really talking about how sad I felt, but last Christmas was hard for me. I was reaching an all-time low, and was feeling more down than I could even admit. I can vividly remember holding my then tiny newborn niece during our family's Christmas celebration, and not being able to contain my tears, though I vehemently tried. Some tears of joy at her beautiful existence, certainly...but also deeply rooted tears of sorrow and anguish at what I didn't yet have at this time last year. I can remember that well-concealed pain, and it was intense.

Flash forward to now, and I'm less than three weeks shy of the best Christmas of my entire life! I am finally at that place where I will begin to be able to relive the magic of the holidays through the eyes of our son. At long last, we have the hoped for, dreamed of, and so very much loved answer to my (and so many of your) prayers.
Thankful, grateful, overjoyed, thrilled - none of those can even come close to what I really feel.
Hallelujah! I want to shout my joy from the mountaintops, I wan to dance and laugh. I want to sing.

But then I remember, and I stop in my tracks. I know some of you who read this are still where I was at this time last year. I know that pain with which so many of you are still struggling every single day, and I cry again. I know the impending holidays carve out the anguish and make your sadness that much more intense, that much more painful. I know like only someone who has been there can know.

And I struggle with how to articulate this. How - or even whether to tell you that I do remember. How to say to you (without saying any of the countless unhelpful things people say) that I haven't forgotten. That I know how it feels to be waiting, longing, hoping, praying, and hurting through yet another Christmas.

Then, I see the amazing reminder of our son when he smiles at me, and that John Mayer song, "Say" flashes into my mind. I realize that I do need to say what I need to say...that I need to rejoice and be happy as I enjoy the countless gifts I have been given this year, I realize that I can really only be where I am, as much as it pains me to realize and remember where some of you still are.



I've been sitting here for several minutes, staring at the screen. I've been trying to figure out how to end this post. I guess what I want all of you to know is that your pain and sorrow is not lost on me. Even when I (inevitably) get carried away with the joy this Christmas brings for my family, the sadness it brings for some of you is still tucked away in the back of my mind. Blogging, and this community of shared experiences is a gift for which I will always be incredibly thankful. The connections here are not something I will ever be able to fully understand, but I do know they are to be treasured.

So here's to you, blogland...and to all you've done and continue to do in my life. For the enrichment you've brought to my mind, my heart, and my spirit. May those of you who are rejoicing alongside me create memories this year that will last your entire life long...and may those of you who are still struggling know that you are not alone. May you be able to stand a little stronger against the storm with the knowledge that your sadness is not forgotten.

Saying what I need to say,






19 comments:

Jill said...

Oh Melba, you made me cry! You are such an awesome person with an incredible soul!! Leave it to you to put aside your own happiness and think of others for a moment (or two). We here in blogland are so happy for you!!
Merry Christmas my friend! I hope all your wishes continue to come true!

(Love the new header!! TOO SWEET!)

Michelle said...

Wow. Very well written. Wonderful job.

LOVE the new header pictures. What a handsome boy!

Tweety said...

So well written. I think you expressed yourself beautifully!!

Love the new header!!!

Hoping for a Miracle~~ said...

I agree, very well written. And also on my mind as well, even though I am right there with you, so excited with my first Christmas with N and all that it brings and means to our family, I also have not forgotton all those who are still waiting and what it feels to go through another holiday season waiting for that special blessing to come into your lives - its hard, no other way around it and I will continue to keep all those waiting in my prayers!

I love your new header - he always takes great pictures and it so happy!!! Blessings to you and your family!

Denver Jen said...

What a beautiful post, Melba. I hope that you enjoy this first Christmas. I definitely remember that feeling that you so well articulated.

Jamie said...

i'm just left in tears with wounds still too fresh to go through another christmas without feeling....but celebrating with everything in my soul the gift that we have been given this year.....

i guess i feel in a way that we (those who have been blessed with our children) owe it to those still waiting to enjoy every single moment celebrating the season with our blessings this year. :) however.....those feelings of sadness year after year after year will certainly never be forgotten.....

BB said...

You are such a sweetheart!! Don't forget to allow yourself to revel in your own joy. I think that brings others hope for the future, too!

I love the Christmas photos of Charlie. Too cute!

RB said...

This is a beautiful post. You said it perfectly :)

H said...

Um yeah...thanks for the cryfest:) There are several bloggers who make me feel like they truly care, and YOU are at the top of that list. I am truly happy for you and your wonderful life with Charlie, and I hope your Christmas is everything you have dreamed it would be and more. THANK YOU for your kindness and love to those of us who are still waiting to see the future...you are a HUGE blessing to me!!!!!

hope548 said...

This is such a sweet post!

Becky said...

Very well spoken Melba! Very heartfelt, for both sides of the journey!!
God bless you all on your First Christmas together!!

And could the pictures in the header be any cuter??!!

littlezen said...

Everyone else said what I was going to say. You said exactly what I wanted to say, but I'm not nearly fantastic writer that you are.

E said...

Thanks for that, Melba! Beautiful. Beautiful header as well...love it!

TXMom2B said...

When I was still childless, one of the things that upset me most was not a big pregnant belly but a cranky mom who clearly did not enjoy her kids at all. Of course, now that I've been a mom for awhile, I understand how we all have those days. My point, though, is that reveling in your son is the best gift you can give those who are still waiting.

The pics are awesome, by the way! I just love the one with the stocking. I wish I had seen this last year so I could have shamelessly copied it:-D

Rachel said...

Revel in your joy, but thank you so much for not forgetting. My best friend (who adopted) and I think that sometimes God never takes away the empathy an infertile woman develops for her infertile sisters. I appreciate that you are thinking of us. This Christmas is so polarized for me - pure joy at the thought of being a mother in the next four weeks, but pure sadness at yet another holiday with aching, empty arms.

Enjoy your son - love him - enjoy him - celebrate him. That's the best thing you can do. And tell us all about it - because we need to hear happy adoption stories :)

You are a blessing!

Geochick said...

Thanks for this post. :) And, have a fantastic Christmas!

Lynnette said...

Such a nice post and very well said. I know we are all hoping and praying for our blogs friends that are waiting. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your husband and son!!! Love the pictures in your header. Your son is adorable.

Debbie B said...

I've been waiting on this post until I had the time to read it. I still remember those hard days too. The holidays that would come and go again and again and the pain it brought. But I'm glad that you have realized that you should be rejoicing and not trying to guard your words for those still to come behind us in that joy. I don't think anyone that is waiting would want you to have anything to hinder you on this first Christmas with your son.

Beautiful post.

Malloryn said...

This is a wonderful post, Melba. I feel the same way... I'm so grateful for our changed circumstances this year, and yet I don't want to forget those of us who are still waiting for their time to come. I think it's ok to share our joy while being respectful of other people's journeys.

The new header is great, by the way! What a cutie.