Keep Holding On

This one's for all of you who are still waiting out there tonight. The other day I happened to open up one of my old journals from our infertility days, and this is an exert from one of the many pages I wrote during that time:

January 11, 2007 - 12:29 p.m.

"I'm still not sure where I'm going - where my path will lead. I'm feeling pretty unsettled lately and I've been doing a lot of thinking. Last night I dreamt lucidly. I've been reading the little book Dad gave me about how to design your dreams. I went to sleep with the question of my life dangling on the edges--'when am I going to have a baby?' Then, though I don't remember the specifics of my dream, I woke up with the song, Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne in my head. And so I will. The part that was playing in my head as I woke up goes:

Keep holding on
you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you.

Sometimes I can't help but be amazed by the way my mind works. I know my dreams are somewhat generated by my daily existence, but that song immediately struck a chord with me the first time I heard it, and it's given me a lot of comfort as we've been dealing with infertility. I feel almost as though that message is coming from somewhere else--some other, higher place that knows music is one language to which I am highly in tune. Anyway, all I know is that I have a lighter step today than I have in a while, and it feels good.

~MSL, age 31

So...maybe my message can give you some comfort too? I had a conversation with a friend tonight, another adoptive mom, about how adoption doesn't fix infertility or heal all the pain, and how some of that is always and inevitably ingrained within us after the long, hard battle of infertility. That really made me think, and sort of put me back in that place of how hard it is to keep holding on. I hope you all know that you're not alone, and that I haven't forgotten how hard infertility is, or how hard waiting is. Even when you're down and out, and you feel like you can't take another day...keep holding on!

Godspeed

My iPod has been at the repair shop (i.e. Michael's computer) for quite a while now, which means I've really been missing my music. I have an entire playlist of children's songs from the time when I was a nanny. I've been anxious to play some of my old favorite songs for Charlie, and today I finally got that chance. {Thanks, Hubby!!}

We were all sitting in the living room, listening to the music when "Godspeed" by the Dixie Chicks came on. This one caught me completely off guard, and man did the tears fall! Amongst all the songs I've sung to Charlie, I had temporarily forgotten about the this one, an all time favorite. I remember driving down the road, literally years ago, listening to this very song, and crying as I prayed for a baby to whom I could sing this someday.



If you've never listened to these words, you should...they totally tug at my heartstrings. As we listened today, and I realized I now have my so very longed for baby, I overflowed. It's even more perfect because Charlie is the wonderful boy that he is. I'm so happy to have had this moment today, siting with my husband and our son. I don't think I'll ever forget about this song again, even for a minute!

"Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)"

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Insensitive

After reading the article and comments mentioned in Yoka's post, the song, "Insensitive" by Jan Arden suddenly popped into my head. I haven't heard this song in years, but I used to like it quite a lot.

I'm still pretty shocked at the ignorance and...well insensitivity...of some of the comments written in response to that article. I know people arr rude sometimes just for the sake of being rude, but really...how do they live with themselves? I've never actually encountered anyone like this IRL, and my guess is that's because no one would actually say such things in face-to-face conversation. This kind of reminds e of how {some} people act in cars. We would never flip someone off or swear violently at another human being walking too slowly down a hallway in front of us, and yet once we get behind the door of a car, all normal niceties are thrown to the curb. It's really quite shocking when you see a fellow adult in a state of full blown temper tantrum in your rear view mirror. This doesn't happen to me anymore, but back when I was commuting an hour+ to work every day, I had my fair share of obnoxious fellow drivers. Whatever - this is a tangent...I'm just so surprised at how rude people can be when they don't have to own up to their actions, or when they can hide behind a screen name on a computer.

And so in response to all those insensitive people (and also a little bit for old time's sake)...here's a song I like: