Three "B" Words

We've been devoting a lot of time and energy to three little words in our house lately, all of which begin with the letter "b." 

Big Boy Bed!

I've posted about this before, here and here regarding the issues with our little man and sleep.  He is an amazing, wonderful, smart, funny, sweet little boy but sleep - or rather independent sleep - has always been somewhat problematic in our household.  He wants to be where we (and the action) are, period.  He sleeps beautifully, with us.  It's been a big challenge for me.  On one hand, I want him to sleep all night in his own room, but on the other hand, I have a lot of trouble with letting him CIO.  I used to be a believer in CIO but then I read (maybe too much?) about attachment issues in adoption and I decided, unequivocally, that I want to do everything I can to help, rather than hinder that process in our lives.  Some part of me still thinks we should just do CIO for two weeks and be done with it but, as I shared in my previous posts, that is excruciating for me.  Our son is a strong willed little person and I have a (very large) soft spot for him!   

In any case, this problem has ebbed and flowed in our lives since we became parents.  He has always slept better when being held and he needed to be swaddled well past the six month mark, in order to get good sleep.  During the latter part of my first semester of student teaching last fall, I basically gave up and started letting him sleep in our bed.  Until that point, I had been trying to get him to sleep in his own room but, inevitably, one of us (usually my dear, sweet husband) would cave in and the little one would end up in our bed at some point during the night, usually on the earlier end.  There came a point when I was simply too tired and I decided it was not an issue I was going to expend my energy on any longer.  I'm a little ashamed to admit that I literally just gave up but it's the truth.  Besides, some parts of the arrangement we had going were nice.  With being so busy, I wasn't spending as much time with the little boy as usual so it was nice to have that extra cuddle time with him.  

Buuuuut then it started affecting our marriage. We were irritable with each other & just not connecting the way we once had.  It came to mind that some of the issues were stemming from our little bedroom invader.  I'm not even talking about the private aspects of marriage here, although that was a factor too.  The hardest part was that our  simple cuddling/together time where we could reconnect with each other as mutual adults who share a partnership and love for an amazing little boy was nonexistent. For a time there, I felt that each of us had a great relationship with our son, but that our relationship with each other was taking a big back seat to our child.  Heck, not even a back seat...more like a dangling from the tail pipe by a thread position.  Not good.  
 
So, that left only one option, do something about it.  After some discussion, and yes, I'll admit it, even some arguing, we agreed that we had to tackle the bedtime issue.  Michael works two jobs so I found that I was often the one trying to fix it all.  Once I finally had the necessary conversation with Michael that we had to tackle the issue together as a team, things got much better. We still have our own unique nuances and ways of dealing with our son but we are a united front & Charlie is responding to that.  I made/am making a big deal about us getting and staying on the same page because that was definitely a factor in letting this issue get out of hand.  To tell the truth, we are just now coming out of that phase, and we're still learning how to get it right.  We are both working hard to make sure our son's bedtime is routine, routine, routine.   So far...it seems to be working, mostly. 

About two weeks ago, we took the side rail off his crib, made a big production of getting him new sheets and a pillow, read stories about bed time (in which I overemphasized kids sleeping in their OWN beds.) Now we start the bedtime process by around 7:30 most nights.  We sit in his rocking chair while we read two stories, (sometimes with a perusal of his baby book thrown in too,) and sing three songs.  He gets in bed & I tuck him in and he...usually...goes to sleep.  Or I should say, he's starting to go to sleep.  We started this new routine two weeks ago and we are just now breaking through to where the rhythm is setting in and we are getting less resistance.  We had some rough nights there where it was taking him, literally, hours to fall asleep.  Then I got a little smarter and started leaving the room.  Sometimes he will try to get up and follow me, at which point I firmly tell him to get back into bed.  I say, "Mommy loves you very much but it's time to go to bed now."  He will ask us why he has to sleep in his own bed & I explicitly tell him, "Because Mommy & Daddy need Mommy & Daddy time; Charlie needs Charlie time."   Sometimes he shakes his head repeatedly as he says, "No not a want to seep in YaYa own bed want to seep in mommy/daddy own bed."  But, on some level, I think he's getting it.   The consistency and repetition is helping. 

I'll be honest and tell you that he still ends up making his way into our room by around 4:00 a.m. most mornings; however, I think the resolution of that will be phase two of this operation.  For now, we're getting some much-needed time for us, he's sleeping better (if not perfectly,) and we are all feeling much happier now that we've resumed our efforts at dealing with the issues head on, together.  It is taking, and will take time.  This will probably be something with which we will struggle for several years.  It is a learning process for all of us, and we are far from perfect.  I think the important thing, which is the thing on which we are actually making headway, is to be able to strike a balance between meeting our son's needs and letting those needs govern our entire lives, even our marriage.  I actually think he feels safer and more secure when there are some firm limits put into place, and when we have some expectations of him that are clearly identified, such as, "Charlie sleeps in his own bed because he's a big boy and big boys sleep in their own beds."  


For now...we are getting there, one day at a time.  I figured I should share some of what we've been doing/dealing with because I know there are others out there who struggle with some of these same issues.  Getting enough, high quality sleep is so important, it affects every aspect of our lives.  And yet, it's one of the things that is changed most profoundly when we become parents.  We all deal with it on some level but when you have a child for whom sleep is problematic, the issues are tenfold.  Here's to many peaceful nights ahead!   

 
           

   

  

 

Transitioning

Well, we're on to week two of me being out of the house five days a week now.  It's been eons since my last post but there are good reasons for that, even though tonight is not the night I plan on spending time going into them.  :)  Suffice it to say, we have been busy but (almost entirely) in a happy, productive sort of way.

We had a great family vacation week at the end of August that closed the books on summer for us.  I'm hoping I'll be able to find time to write and/or post pictures about that sometime soon but we'll have to see.

So far, things with the new schedule/routine are going well.  Charlie has cried every morning I've dropped him off at day care so far, which is excruciating for me.  Even though I know he's completely over the sadness before we even get out of the neighborhood, I hate walking out the door when he's upset.  He's also been thrilled to see us when we come to get him each afternoon, which is so very rewarding for the mama in me.  The hours in between seem to have gone very well, from what I can tell.  His caregiver sent some pictures home today and it was really nice to see him smiling and happy.  He's eating and sleeping with no issues while he's there so I'd give the whole arrangement a pretty high rating so far...even though it is still hard for me to be leaving my baby boy every day.

Speaking of me, I haven't figured out what, if anything I plan to write publicly about my student teaching experiences.  I've been writing feverishly in my paper journal but feel a little apprehensive about sharing information out here, where (literally) anyone can access it.  I may change my mind and do a weekly synopsis on my other blog though, I'm just not sure yet.  From the big picture perspective, things are going very well.  I'm really loving the children.  Five and six year-old kids are some of the sweetest there are.  I'm learning a lot and staying extremely busy, to the point that I'm literally collapsing into bed by about 10:00 every night.

Regarding the little one and the drama surrounding sleep that I left hanging from my last post, things have gotten better but the problems are not resolved.  All of your comments were very helpful and very much appreciated so thank you.  I think I've stopped beating myself up and feeling as though I should be able to do better, which has alleviated some of the stress.  I'm just trying to focus on our son and his needs and let those lead the way.  At some point, he will sleep through the night without needing reassurances from us and until then...well, it could certainly be worse!

For the time being, I'm soaking up every single moment I can get with him.  The little man seems to learn something new and get a little bit cuter every single day. 

Three Minutes

How long is this going to take?  How old will our son be before he sleeps through the night comfortably?  I've hesitated in writing this post for a long time because, quite honestly, I don't want or need the judgment of any other moms about this topic.  I'm already stressed enough without hearing the opinions of everyone else on what I should be doing or how I should do things differently.

We've been struggling with sleep, off and on, pretty much from eight (or so) months forward.  As soon as we tried to start getting C. to go to sleep on his own, it became a problem.  It hasn't been a problem throughout every stage and we have had some successful periods with him sleeping through the night for enough nights that I think we've finally broken through.  Then something changes (illness, schedule change, etc.) and the struggle starts again.  I am fully aware that we have played into this problem in some ways.  The simple truth is that neither one of us is good at letting our baby cry.  There are many factors that go into this.  First is the fact that we waited so long for him.  We've already spent enough nights with empty arms and sad hearts.  Listening to our little one cry while we sit in another room, miserable at the sound of his angst, is not something either of us has ever dealt with well.  Couple that with the fact that our little boy, with very few exceptions, is always happy and you can see why it's been a challenge.  When he does get upset, he's dramatic.  He gets huge crocodile tears that melt your heart and make you want to do anything to make them stop.  He knows how to push our buttons well and push them he does.  None of that is to say though, that we haven't done some things "by the book," so to speak.  We've always had a simple bedtime routine and we've tried to stay consistent with things like how long we are willing to let him cry, what we say when we go in to comfort him and so on.  Some might think of us as coddlers but the bottom line for me has always been that I want to parent from an attachment standpoint.  From an adoption perspective, attachment is critical.  From the moment I laid eyes on our tiny baby, I knew that if there was one thing I didn't want to mess up, that was it.  To that end, we have been highly successful; however, C's sleeping habits have been another matter.

None of this is new to me.  I "helped" all of the parents of former children I cared for get their babies to sleep by telling them to let the babies CIO, within reason.  Now I'm wondering if I didn't make things harder for them.  Knowing what I know now about being a mom, I can't help but wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut back then.  I don't think our efforts with C. have been an utter failure.  He does sleep, he just wants someone to be there with him.  Somewhere along the way, my emotional connection to him got the better of my rational reasoning about how to sleep train a baby.  One thing I've learned is that the very act of being the parent of another human being is rather irrational at times.        

All that said, and with all the ups and downs of this whole process, things have gotten much worse in the past week or so.  I think lots of things are going on.  I think C. is entering a new stage of cognitive development in which he is more aware of our interactions and he's testing his limits, testing us to see what happens when...  I also think he may be teething and/or growing, which can both cause disruptions in sleep patterns.  Add to all that the fact that he will be starting daycare in a couple of weeks, (and you all know how I feel about that) which has made me want to work that much harder to get him to sleep peacefully on his own.  Whew!  Well, it's not that hard to see why the whole thing has gone "tits up" to coin a lovely phrase my husband likes to use when things are really a mess.      

So that brings us to tonight.  I am on the verge of tears as I type this right now.  I just let our son cry himself to sleep for 57 minutes.  You read that right, three minutes short of AN HOUR.  Now I'm thinking, "What have I done?"  I'm a horrible mother...he's going to be scarred for life...on and on.  My rational mind knows he will be fine.  It knows that even if my decisions tonight were a big, fat mistake (which they quite possibly were) he will survive.  What was that thing about motherhood being irrational again?  Well...you get the point.  He did cry himself to sleep.  He did eventually give up.  The interminable question though, is should I have let him?  I honestly just couldn't do it anymore tonight.  The past couple of weeks, particularly the past three days or so have been exhausting.  Last night I was up until 1:00 with him and then by 4:45 he was in our bed.  He hasn't been napping well either, sleeping in 20-40 minute spurts.  So on one hand, we have an exhausted baby who is clearly not his typical, happy self, coupled with a mama who just needs a break and on the other hand we have a baby who has to scream for nearly an hour before finally falling asleep.  Do you see why this is so hard for me?  Why it seems that either way I go is wrong?  I don't want to coddle him to the point that he thinks he can manipulate us and that he won't nap at daycare...but I'm also not at all happy with letting him cry for that long.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to do that again, unless I go outside or something.

I guess the decision of where to go from here will have to be based on what happens next.  Will he make it through the night because he cried himself to sleep, or will it not really matter?  Will he wake up happy and refreshed, or will the screaming resume the second he opens his eyes?  After reading this article and post on Ashely's blog the other day, this has been on my mind a lot. In any case, it's neither here nor there.  I did what I thought was best tonight, and now I'm second guessing myself like crazy.  There en lies part of the problem.  I need to make up my mind on how we're gong to handle the current problems we're having, then we need to be firm and consistent until this phase passes.  I know that in my rational mind but well...what was that thing about motherhood being irrational?

My final thoughts on this are that every child is unique, and as such, they each have unique needs.  Child and parent relationships are unique too, which certainly factors into the equation.  I think I used to think, before becoming a mom, that this wasn't that difficult.  That if you did basically the same thing with any kid, sleeping would become a non-issue.  Only now can I see how wrong I was.  How hard this is from the parenting perspective.  Knowing C. as I do, I realize he is an exceptionally people-oriented child.  He is always in tune to people and what they are doing, saying, etc.  He is a social butterfly.  I honestly think, on a primal level, he doesn't want to be alone.  Therefore, I think that for him, sleeping through the night is harder than it might be for some other children.  Perhaps that's just me justifying the situation in which we now find ourselves, I don't know.  The bottom line though, is that I do know my son better than anyone else out there and I know what does and doesn't work for him...for us.  Now I just have to pair that with my knowledge of child development and my prior experiences and we should be able to solve this problem yet.  There...maybe a little positive energy will go a long way.  I certainly hope so because I am pooped!