(The Absence of) Sunshine & Roses

Well friends...it's been a long time since I've really written much here. Mostly that's because of how busy I've been but it's also because I tend to get stuck when I'm struggling. It's hard for me to push aside the old adage, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Struggling may be too strong of a word for my state of being lately anyway. I know I'm not really struggling in the sense that some people are. There are many things in my life for which I am extremely grateful.

Still, my bloggy friend, Rachel kind of hit the nail on the head for me in her post (written a while back) called, "Life is Messy." Boy isn't it! And Rachel's point is her post is that we all try to pretend that our lives aren't messy but that in so doing, we neglect to tell our true stories, to show the nitty gritty reality of who we really are. I think she's absolutely right but I also think it's hard to let that messiness show. At least it is for me.

In any case, here's my attempt at telling the truth...at sharing my messiness with others so that maybe {?} they will learn something from my journey here.

So what is the truth...my truth? One place so start is that it's not all glory - I love my child but being a mommy is not all sunshine and roses. There are times when I really question myself as a mom, especially now that our son is a walking, talking toddler. I used to think I knew what I was doing with children...until I had a child! Now I just think parenting is a much harder job than you can ever really prepare yourself for. There are good days and bad days and there are many beautiful moments along the way but being a good mom (what is a good mom, anyway?} is hard work!

And...while being a "good mom" is one of the very most important things I do, it is only one of the things I do. Some days the stress of keeping it all together (even when I'm not keeping it all together) is simply overwhelming. Our house is often a mess, our dogs need more attention than they get, there is a garage full of clutter attached to our house, there are so many red blinking lights on my never-ending to-do list that sometimes the best I can do is to allow myself to take a nap. Now there you go, that's messy...but it is my truth.

Then there's money and our stress surrounding the current lack of it in our lives. This past year, having no more loan money for the completion of my education and no consistent income on my part. Well, it's been hard. There have been several times when I wasn't sure if we would make it through. But we always do make it, largely because my parents have helped us tremendously when it comes to making ends meet. But that's messy! I'm a 35 year old woman who is still in college and still relying on her parents to help meet expenses. As thankful as I am for their unending support, borrowing from them the way we've had to doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel like a heel.

Speaking of that education I mentioned above...it is taking FOR.EVER! I know I only have a few more months to go until I graduate and I know that time will FLY by but I have been at my whits end with this chapter of my life for longer than I can even say. I don't regret making the decision to go back to school and become a teacher, I think that's a good fit for me. But I also didn't imagine it taking this long or being this expensive, this draining for us. We are tough and we are sticking it out but Michael and I have both been pretty extensively stressed this past year and it's largely due to the fact that I'm still in school and I don't contribute enough to our financial house. I am exhausted just thinking about all the hurdles we've had to overcome. It seems there's always something unexpected that crops up and throws a wrench in things. And messy? What about the job market out there? As much as I can't wait to graduate, I'm terrified to be a job hunter in this climate. There simply isn't much out there when it comes to the teaching field in my state, and we're not in a position to consider moving. It's really alarming to consider the what-ifs in case I can't find a job. I really can't even go there at this point.

Lastly (for this post anyway) there is my relentless and exhausting yearning for more. More what, you ask? Well...more children, of course. I know that with the current state of things in our household I really have no business even thinking about adding to our family at this point. I know that in my brain but try telling that to my heart. I've had several stern conversations with her and she just keeps right on with her unreasonable demands. And what is it with human desire? Why do we always want more than we have? A big part of me feels guilty for even longing for another child. For years I prayed and begged God that if he would only give me ONE child, I would be eternally happy. Plus, I know firsthand how hard it is to not have any children and be wanting them. From that position, it is almost unbearable to hear someone say they want another child, to hear someone complaining about that. And yet, here I am wanting more...talking about wanting more. The truth is though, that I can't deny that part of myself. I DO want more. I have always wanted kids (plural) and I want our son to be a brother. Honestly, right now, I'm just not sure where it all fits. My desires pitted against our reality. Unfortunately, reality wins hands down (for now) but that doesn't change how I really feel in my heart of hearts. It doesn't make all the announcements of "seconds" from the families of children who are exactly (or close to) our son's age any easier to read/hear. I'm not bitter in any way, I am very thankful for what we do have; however, there is a part of me that still does (and probably always will) resent the people out there who can just get a whim to have a baby one day and then they are pregnant the following weekend. Not that I'm even wanting pregnancy, don't misunderstand...but I do want to have a bigger family and it is not going to be an easy process by any stretch of the imagination.


 
            

Our Busy "Baby!"

Whew people, I am e.x.h.a.u.s.t.e.d! I'm going to go out on a limb here but I'm thinking I'm more worn out now, following my "toddler" around than I was when he was a newborn blob who slept at all the wrong times, ate and pooped a lot. Maybe I just don't remember the sleep deprivation of those days but I do know for sure that the current stage in which we now reside feels whirlwindish to me. Even when we don't do much, I end my days feeling like I could just collapse into bed. Anyone who lives in the south will probably laugh at me (and I get that because I used to live in the south too) but maybe my tiredness is partly due to the heat we've been experiencing? It's been over 90 degrees here most days since late May and we try, (our money/environment saving efforts) whenever possible, to leave the AC off. This means that most of the time, Charlie and I sweat it out and play until we drop.

The little boy is at such a volatile stage right now. He's caught between the baby he still is and wanting to do so much...wanting to be like us. Am I the only mama who was annoyed when the baby center weekly update emails switched over to, "My Toddler This Week" right at 12 months of age? I don't know about you all but I'm not sold on the idea that babies turn into toddlers just because they learn to walk. I'm finding the balancing act between letting him experience/explore and keeping him safe to be quite challenging. Then there's the frustration factor. He's trying so hard to learn to communicate and express himself (he has his own ideas about what we should do and when we should do it, imagine that!) but he can't so instead we get this a lot of the time right now:

This is him right before throwing a really big fit, including "going boneless" onto the floor and everything. *sigh*

We also get the discerning/serious/I'm not so sure face a lot these days, especially when we're around new people or doing something out of the ordinary. And he's extremely clingy with me lately too. I realize it's all normal development and par for the course but it's tough to manage his moodiness sometimes. The clinging to mama part I actually (mostly) like, if I'm being honest but it does wear me down too.

Actually these are all very positive signs of him being developmentally on target, which I know and which (of course) makes me very happy - I guess I'm just venting.

And it's not like I started this whole parenting thing as a newbie. I'm well educated and I had lots of pre-motherhood experience...with other people's kids! I guess in some ways I thought I knew it all - it's only now that I'm realizing I didn't know the half of it! One thing I've done a lot throughout these past (nearly) 14 months is eat my own words! The job is just so much harder when you're the person who is ultimately responsible for that little persons' well being and long-term character development. Talk about pressure! No parent wants to screw their kids up but the fact is, we all have strengths and weaknesses and we all make mistakes, no matter how hard we try. I think the most difficult thing for me is fighting my own desire to be the "perfect" mom, whatever that even is. I'm definitely true to my Leo nature in the pride department and I struggle with putting that aside sometimes.

Good grief I even exhaust myself! I'm done with my rant for now. Hope you're all having a fantastic weekend!

Be Glad You Adopted...

So today was the day I received the first blatantly ignorant comment from someone when she found out I'm an adoptive mom.

This little exchange occured during my not-so-favorite class, math. We were doing introductions and after walking around and exchanging pieces of paper with three personal facts about ourselves with each other, this is what the girl said to me:

"Just be glad you adopted because man - having to give birth to a baby hurts like hell."

Really? I just smiled blandly at her and said, "An entirely different kind of pain." At that point, I think it was fairly obvious that I was annoyed, and she attempted to make more small talk with me. To be fair, this girl is extremely young, and quite probably simply doesn't know any better. But seriously?

And the really annoying thing is that I've been letting her comment bother me all day, which bothers me even more. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I wish I'd said, "Oh I am very glad we adopted, but that has absolutely nothing to do with my wish to avoid physical pain."

I wish people could be more informed and less blatantly ignorant. I wish they could see and understand that while adoption also creates families, it is really not comparable to child birth at all. And pain? I wish I had said, "Yeah...let's talk about pain." I certainly can't claim to have gone through any physical pain close to child birth, but I'd wager millions that the girl from my class can't hold a candle to the emotional wars through which I've come either.

Whatever. There is nothing to do but process today's events and move on. And of course, try to educate my new classmate when future opportunities present themselves...

The Whole Privacy Thing...

Recently a lot of the bloggers on my blogroll have decided to go private. While I completely understand and respect that decision, it is kind of leaving me with an unsettled feeling.

I don't really feel the urge to go private, don't really want to go private, but maybe I should want to? Maybe I'm weird because I don't really hold back much? The pictures are probably the only thing I really worry about. Mostly since that ridiculous news story a while back about the picture that was stolen from a family blog...

But - especially now that we have Charlie, the whole point of this blog is for me to share. Share our experiences, share our lives, and share the joy we have in our son. I feel like going private would somehow change blogging for me in a bad way.

Then there is the anti-adoption hate garbage that's been happening around here lately. Honestly, this just makes me sick! I do not, and will never understand how there are people out there who feel vindicated by attacking others. Especially others like some of you. Sweet and caring people who are trying to do their best given the circumstances they face. I just don't get it, and this whole thing makes me really, really mad. I want to fight back, but instead I am watching as one by one, many of my favorite blogs are forced to go underground. It's ridiculous, and I wish they--those anonymous idiots--didn't have that much power over us.

Whatever. It is what it is. I can completely understand why those of you who are now private have done what you've done. You have made me think about it myself, and to be honest...I'm still thinking on this one. I guess the bottom line is that I just wish I...we...could feel safe. Safe to be ourselves and share our experiences without all the worry and fear.

Bad Blogger

Do they make an award for that? Because if so, I need one! Lately I've been really bad at commenting, and even worse at thinking of anything at all to write about.

I guess I'm a little burned out, or a little overwhelmed, or both...I don't know.

Things with Charlie are going well. He seems to be adjusting very well to me being gone a couple of days a week. He's always been Mr. Laid Back Baby, and the trend continues. That, coupled with the fact that we have an amazing caregiver who is doing this primarily because she loves babies has made my transition pretty smooth.

Still, I'd be lying if I told you that I'm not overwhelmed by the demands of being both full-time Mommy (the best job of all!) and full-time student. My brain simply isn't where it used to be, and that's showing up in my lack of organization and lack of ability to focus on what I need to be doing. My hat sincerely goes off to anyone who has walked this road before me. And to all you working moms out there...I never thought the balancing act was easy, but neither did I realize it was this hard, wow! I know that I will get back into the swing of things, and figure out what my new normal needs to be so that I can succeed at both of my jobs, but it's taking more time than I would like.

And speaking of jobs, that's the other thing that's been dragging me down. This is the first semester in a long time that I haven't been working at least part time, and the lack of income is getting to both of us. Any and all "extras" have now been completely eliminated, and we're down to figuring out how we can eat as cheaply as possible. Putting it in perspective, I know we are still extremely fortunate. We have a home, food, clothing, we are FINE. And I have this gift of precious, uninterrupted time with our son that I will cherish once he's older. I know I will look back on these times and be so very thankful that I was able to be with him as much as I am. Still, it's hard to be stretched so thin, and Michael and I are both feeling the squeeze.

I know I'm about to sound a little crazy, but we recently switched Charlie over to the generic version of formula, and it's really bugging me. The top of the En.famil container even says, "Because it's YOUR Baby!" Now if that's not an effective marketing ploy then I don't know what is! I KNOW he is fine, and I KNOW the comparisons are pretty equitable. I even asked the doctor if he would feed this stuff to his kids and he said yes. So what's my problem? Why do I still have this hang-up that we're somehow doing less than we should for our baby because we're not feeding him the name-brand formula? I guess part of the reason I feel this way is because this food is ALL he eats. But then when I look at the difference in price, and I look at our budget...I simply can't justify that extra expense for a name any longer.

The bottom line is hat it is what it is. All of this "stuff" with which I'm struggling simply is what it is. I'm doing what I have to do for our future, and we are going to have to scrimp and save and stretch for the next two years. This is our reality and there's not much I can do to change that. I guess now that we have Charlie, I'm a little afraid of being too negative, or complaining too much, both in real life, and here in blogland. I know things could be so much worse, and I never want to come off as though I'm taking our good fortune for granted. I'm finding, lately, that I've resorted to the old, "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" adage from my childhood. There is some goodness to that way of thinking, but it also means I'm nto really being real, and not really being honest...which is one of the reasons I started blogging in the first place.

So there you have it. That's where I've been lately, and those are the wheels that are turning inside my head. Feel free to begin throwing rotten tomatoes now.

Michael's Grumbling

OK I tried to post a comment but couldn't ... so I'm going to write a Blog entry...

Mommy Melba way to go for some husband bashing ;0)

Oh dear what have you stirred up?

Can I really let a comment like:

"Michael has a tendency to get home and go about his business, forgetting the fact that we have a baby boy for whom we need to care."

pass without rebuttal?

Seriously how could anyone forget about Charlie? ;0) I'm merely acting on standing orders from Mommy Melba... something along the lines of

"when you bring Charlie in leave him in his seat for a few minutes and don't wake him up let him sleep"

It's not my fault Mommy Melba hasn't countermand the directive ;0)

This also goes for those chores... the ones that Mommy Melba said that she is doing... the ones she hasn't quite got around to trusting me to do... like laundry of the diapers etc.

These chores are the ones that Mommy Melba has specifically told me she wants to do... So when I ask about them she says she'll do them.. I can help but No I'll do it wrong... I actually like doing laundry...

DO I complicate things?? In my defense what Mommy Melba misses to point out is that my 'over complications' are made to make my time with Charlie more effective...

I have to make use of the time I've got. So I roll feeding, changing, playing and bonding into a late night power block when I get home. Sure it's a little unconventional but so is my schedule. I fit everything in before Charlie goes to sleep.

If I have to stop and think about it.. you know it does actually work for us... including letting Mommy Melba have time to catch up with her blogs while Charlie and I bond.

It doesn't bother me that I have to figure it out by myself it just means I don't have to trip up on all the pre-conceptions and padded baggage of what the latest care an advice is.. BTW I don't like Sophie the Giraffe...

All I know is that I can get up at 4am go to the kitchen make a fresh warm bottle of formula for Charlie and be back to feed him all within two minutes... I do it my way and I just get it done...

I'm not saying who taught Mommy Melba how to get all the air out of the bottle before a feeding but I'll just say its way easier and more effective way than the method I was taught ;0)

Grumbling Daddy Michael

Surreal

"Mom-to-be" technically does describe me, but somehow I can't really feel it yet. I've tried to buy things in stores--nothing major, just small things, and I can't do it yet. I want to feel like a real mom-to-be, but it all seems unreal at this point. Am I destined to be unprepared for new baby days, or will this eventually wear off? Unprepared is a term I use lightly anyway, because the only things I will rally need are a car seat, diapers, and food, but...well you guys know what I mean. Nursery ready and waiting. I thought I had made peace with that, with the idea that we would buy a car seat, register for everything else, and then just wait, but now I'm having second thoughts. There would be something comforting about having a room all set up and ready to go when THE time comes. Yet I'm still a little bothered by the idea of that room sitting there empty for who knows how long.

I guess it comes down to how long we've waited for this phase of our lives. I've already spent so much time dreaming and hoping and planning for our baby in my head and in my heart, that now when I actually do have something to plan for, it seems like I should be waking up to reality at any moment. Why can't I allow myself to believe we're really going to be parents? I guess this is just a defense mechanism...some subconscious attempt of my mind to protect my heart? I really don't get it. I expected to be (and was at first) on top of the world where all this is concerned, but now I'm just doing nothing in regards to our "paper pregnancy," which is unnerving. Literally I am W.A.I.T.I.N.G. and it's already getting pretty old. I want to do and dream and create.

I can't help but feel that if I were really pregnant I wouldn't be feeling this way. There, I said it. That's what's REALLY bugging me. Even though I have long since given up the idea--or even the desire of--a physical pregnancy, I guess I have this notion that if my body was changing I would be more able to believe in the reality of impending motherhood.

I am a planner, I like to have all my ducks in a row. Where school is concerned, for example, I can't stand unknowns and not having everything neat and organized. Just this week I had to find a teacher to observe for this coming semester, and until I got that taken care of I literally felt a queezy feeling in the pit of my stomach. The irony of having to wait and basically having to be unprepared--entirely at the mercy of decisions made by other people--when it comes to the most important job I will ever do (motherhood) is not lost on me. Clearly there is some lesson...some discipline for me in this, but what? How am I supposed to react or behave? I have no clue, but one thing I do know is that my own indifferent reaction to all this really and truly is driving me crazy!

Insensitive

After reading the article and comments mentioned in Yoka's post, the song, "Insensitive" by Jan Arden suddenly popped into my head. I haven't heard this song in years, but I used to like it quite a lot.

I'm still pretty shocked at the ignorance and...well insensitivity...of some of the comments written in response to that article. I know people arr rude sometimes just for the sake of being rude, but really...how do they live with themselves? I've never actually encountered anyone like this IRL, and my guess is that's because no one would actually say such things in face-to-face conversation. This kind of reminds e of how {some} people act in cars. We would never flip someone off or swear violently at another human being walking too slowly down a hallway in front of us, and yet once we get behind the door of a car, all normal niceties are thrown to the curb. It's really quite shocking when you see a fellow adult in a state of full blown temper tantrum in your rear view mirror. This doesn't happen to me anymore, but back when I was commuting an hour+ to work every day, I had my fair share of obnoxious fellow drivers. Whatever - this is a tangent...I'm just so surprised at how rude people can be when they don't have to own up to their actions, or when they can hide behind a screen name on a computer.

And so in response to all those insensitive people (and also a little bit for old time's sake)...here's a song I like:

Stuck

Sometimes I feel like we are little people, stuck under this HUGE tractor wheel as we wait to become parents. Each little thing we do is a giant effort on our part, but the exertion only moves the wheel a tiny little bit. The wheel is an okay place to be, most of the time. All our primary needs are met, we have lots of friends and family that visit us at the wheel, and we manage to keep ourselves busy. But occasionally it's dark and cloudy under the wheel. I long for the day when we finally push enough and the thing moves out of our way...when we can live a more "normal" life like what we had imagined for ourselves back when we first started this journey into adulthood. I know parenthood will not be some perfect utopia, free of problems and stress...but the stress that comes with becoming a parent is actually stress I long for, as crazy as that may seem to anyone already living it.

For the moment, I am trying hard to focus on being exactly where I am. Even though that's much easier said than done, keeping that goal in mind does make me feel less worried about what's coming in the future or what's happened in the past. Somehow it makes me less likely to get depressed or bogged down with my own desires...with my own pursuit of happiness, so to speak. That exact thought has been an underlying theme in a book I recently read called Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Some parts of the book were better than others, but that one thread has helped me to refocus my attention to where we are, rather than where we long to be, and I think that's a good thing.

For the nuts and bolts part of it, we are still waiting to enter the pool. These things always take more time than I expect them to...it's always something that seems to put us on hold a little while longer. In this case we have a small amount of money we need to come up with--that part should happen in the next week or so. But the bigger issue is that we got our adoption book back and there is a binding issue. The book looks fabulous, but because of the way it's bound, some of the text is cut off the tiniest little bit where the edges of the book meet. It's almost not enough to worry about, because you can still pretty much read what the journaling says, but being the perfectionist I am, I'd really like to at least see if this can be fixed. The book looked great in the previews, and I checked and quadruple checked for any issues like this. We paid a fair amount of money for the two copies of our book, so we're going to see if there is any way they can be reprinted with modifications to make up for the binding. I am frustrated, but again, trying to just take it all one day at a time!