Red Thread Friends

There's a beautiful proverb that's well-known in the adoption community:

An invisible red thread connects those destined to meet.
Regardless of time, place or circumstance.
The thread may stretch or tangle, but never break.

~ Chinese Proverb

I love that saying because it not only makes me think of our son, but also of a few special friends that I've met along the road of our adoption journey.  Wendy (from Our Story) and Rachel are two such friends.  Last week I was fortunate enough to be able to spend the day with these two amazing women, and their children.

All our kids are within a few months of each other age-wise, so they had a great time playing together, both at Wendy's house where we first got together, and at the splash park where we went to play.

We've had a lot of 100+ degree days in Michigan this summer, so all of us were relieved when our special play day turned out to be sunny and 85.  We really could not have asked for a more beautiful day!  There is something so special about being with people who just "get it," without any explanations needed.  We were able to talk while the kids played, and it was really nice to relax and enjoy our time together. 

As we walked out together, all the kids were giggling as we held hands in a big, long line.  It was music to my ears, and a perfect sentiment to the emotions I think we were all feeling as we left the park.  Great times!  

A Little More Love...

So today marked a special milestone for our family.   We had a much-anticipated appointment after work, with our adoption agency!  That's right, we have officially begun the process of adoption for baby #2.  We are excited and actually--not that nervous this time.

It helps sooo much having already been through this process and knowing what to expect along the way.  That, and...I feel happy and content where we are in life right now.  While I absolutely do want to grow our family, and I do want another child, I don't care as much when that happens, or how.  I'm not sure that makes a lot of sense.  All I can really say is that I am much more relaxed this time around than I was last time.  I'm sure there will still be moments when it's hard or frustrating or whatever...but overall, I feel a sense of contentment and peace about the whole thing.

Que Sera, Sera 

Charlie was so cute then we picked him up from daycare.  We asked him if he wanted a baby brother or a baby sister and he said, "brosher."  I high-fived him for that because, deep down, I have a special little place tucked away in the corner of my heart for the notion of a family of BOYS.  Not that I wouldn't completely welcome and adore a baby girl, mind you!  Then walking into the restaurant where we stopped for dinner, I explained that Mommy and Daddy had been to the adoption agency today and that we were going to adopt a baby again.  I said, "But this time, you get to help!"  I asked him again if he wanted to have a brother or a sister and he said, "Ummmm...a sisser!"  Cut to our conversation at the dinner table, where Michael asked him the same question one more time and, after carefully considering for a minute, he said, "I want a brosher AND a sisser!" Now that is a boy truly after my own heart - covering all his bases in such an important matter.  Oh how I love him so.  I know he will make an amazing big brother when the time comes, I can't wait for that!!

  

 

           



   

To Blog or Not to Blog...

...that is the question! 

There was a time when I would've said blogging was in me - as in something I had to do, something about which I had no choice.  I'm no longer sure that's the case but I do still enjoy blogging, when I have the time.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I'm not sure exactly where to go with my blogging.  I love that I have so many followers, and I love (even more) the valuable connections I've made through this blog but...where should I go from here?

That's where you come in...

A fellow adoptive mom and good friend of mine, (see what I mean about the valuable connections I've made through blogging!) Wendy recently wrote a post and I've decided to follow her lead. 

If you read my blog...

Can you take a moment to leave me a comment and tell me a bit about yourself?  How did you find my blog and what has kept you interested in it?  Did you adopt or do you have plans to do so?  What other connections do you have to adoption?  Is there anything you would like me to write about or write more/less about?    

Thanks for the feedback!

 
           

   

  

Talking About Adoption

With a very verbal little man in our midst, it's become more important for me to get adoption on his radar screen. I've always used the word casually around him and tried to pepper our conversations with things like, "The day we adopted you was the best day of our whole lives." We look at his baby book together and he shouts, "doption day!" every time we come to that page but I've been thinking lately that we need more. It seems important to at least begin talking about this aspect of our lives and how we became a family more, now that he's beginning to ask questions and attempting to make some sense of the world. I do want him to lead the conversations and discussions we have as the years unfold; however, I also want him to know that adoption is a safe subject in our household and that he can always ask any questions that come to mind. According to an article I read last week, openly talking about adoption now, while he's young and still forming a framework with which to view the world is one key way to make that happen.

So we've been reading the book, "I Wished for You" by Marianne Richmond a lot, and I try to tell him our (similar though still unique) story in simple terms too.  My good friend and fellow adoptive mama, Debbie has made several books for her little girl including their special story.  I know they have been good conversation starters for Debbie and other members of her family, and I'm thinking I'd like to do the same sometime soon. The thing is, like all parenting, this is all a learning process and I'm figuring it out as we go along.  It's sort of like an added dimension to his normal growth and development.  An added thing I have to consider as he gets older and picks up more of what we say and do.  All I know for sure is that I want our son to just know that he was adopted and that he had a special (though not better or worse) way of joining our family.



 
           

   

  

Three "B" Words

We've been devoting a lot of time and energy to three little words in our house lately, all of which begin with the letter "b." 

Big Boy Bed!

I've posted about this before, here and here regarding the issues with our little man and sleep.  He is an amazing, wonderful, smart, funny, sweet little boy but sleep - or rather independent sleep - has always been somewhat problematic in our household.  He wants to be where we (and the action) are, period.  He sleeps beautifully, with us.  It's been a big challenge for me.  On one hand, I want him to sleep all night in his own room, but on the other hand, I have a lot of trouble with letting him CIO.  I used to be a believer in CIO but then I read (maybe too much?) about attachment issues in adoption and I decided, unequivocally, that I want to do everything I can to help, rather than hinder that process in our lives.  Some part of me still thinks we should just do CIO for two weeks and be done with it but, as I shared in my previous posts, that is excruciating for me.  Our son is a strong willed little person and I have a (very large) soft spot for him!   

In any case, this problem has ebbed and flowed in our lives since we became parents.  He has always slept better when being held and he needed to be swaddled well past the six month mark, in order to get good sleep.  During the latter part of my first semester of student teaching last fall, I basically gave up and started letting him sleep in our bed.  Until that point, I had been trying to get him to sleep in his own room but, inevitably, one of us (usually my dear, sweet husband) would cave in and the little one would end up in our bed at some point during the night, usually on the earlier end.  There came a point when I was simply too tired and I decided it was not an issue I was going to expend my energy on any longer.  I'm a little ashamed to admit that I literally just gave up but it's the truth.  Besides, some parts of the arrangement we had going were nice.  With being so busy, I wasn't spending as much time with the little boy as usual so it was nice to have that extra cuddle time with him.  

Buuuuut then it started affecting our marriage. We were irritable with each other & just not connecting the way we once had.  It came to mind that some of the issues were stemming from our little bedroom invader.  I'm not even talking about the private aspects of marriage here, although that was a factor too.  The hardest part was that our  simple cuddling/together time where we could reconnect with each other as mutual adults who share a partnership and love for an amazing little boy was nonexistent. For a time there, I felt that each of us had a great relationship with our son, but that our relationship with each other was taking a big back seat to our child.  Heck, not even a back seat...more like a dangling from the tail pipe by a thread position.  Not good.  
 
So, that left only one option, do something about it.  After some discussion, and yes, I'll admit it, even some arguing, we agreed that we had to tackle the bedtime issue.  Michael works two jobs so I found that I was often the one trying to fix it all.  Once I finally had the necessary conversation with Michael that we had to tackle the issue together as a team, things got much better. We still have our own unique nuances and ways of dealing with our son but we are a united front & Charlie is responding to that.  I made/am making a big deal about us getting and staying on the same page because that was definitely a factor in letting this issue get out of hand.  To tell the truth, we are just now coming out of that phase, and we're still learning how to get it right.  We are both working hard to make sure our son's bedtime is routine, routine, routine.   So far...it seems to be working, mostly. 

About two weeks ago, we took the side rail off his crib, made a big production of getting him new sheets and a pillow, read stories about bed time (in which I overemphasized kids sleeping in their OWN beds.) Now we start the bedtime process by around 7:30 most nights.  We sit in his rocking chair while we read two stories, (sometimes with a perusal of his baby book thrown in too,) and sing three songs.  He gets in bed & I tuck him in and he...usually...goes to sleep.  Or I should say, he's starting to go to sleep.  We started this new routine two weeks ago and we are just now breaking through to where the rhythm is setting in and we are getting less resistance.  We had some rough nights there where it was taking him, literally, hours to fall asleep.  Then I got a little smarter and started leaving the room.  Sometimes he will try to get up and follow me, at which point I firmly tell him to get back into bed.  I say, "Mommy loves you very much but it's time to go to bed now."  He will ask us why he has to sleep in his own bed & I explicitly tell him, "Because Mommy & Daddy need Mommy & Daddy time; Charlie needs Charlie time."   Sometimes he shakes his head repeatedly as he says, "No not a want to seep in YaYa own bed want to seep in mommy/daddy own bed."  But, on some level, I think he's getting it.   The consistency and repetition is helping. 

I'll be honest and tell you that he still ends up making his way into our room by around 4:00 a.m. most mornings; however, I think the resolution of that will be phase two of this operation.  For now, we're getting some much-needed time for us, he's sleeping better (if not perfectly,) and we are all feeling much happier now that we've resumed our efforts at dealing with the issues head on, together.  It is taking, and will take time.  This will probably be something with which we will struggle for several years.  It is a learning process for all of us, and we are far from perfect.  I think the important thing, which is the thing on which we are actually making headway, is to be able to strike a balance between meeting our son's needs and letting those needs govern our entire lives, even our marriage.  I actually think he feels safer and more secure when there are some firm limits put into place, and when we have some expectations of him that are clearly identified, such as, "Charlie sleeps in his own bed because he's a big boy and big boys sleep in their own beds."  


For now...we are getting there, one day at a time.  I figured I should share some of what we've been doing/dealing with because I know there are others out there who struggle with some of these same issues.  Getting enough, high quality sleep is so important, it affects every aspect of our lives.  And yet, it's one of the things that is changed most profoundly when we become parents.  We all deal with it on some level but when you have a child for whom sleep is problematic, the issues are tenfold.  Here's to many peaceful nights ahead!   

 
           

   

  

 

Negative Connotations

A couple times in the past week-and-a-half or so, I have literally cringed as I've heard the following statements:

"No, no don't eat the brown ones, those are yucky,"

"The green ones need water, if they don't get water they will shrivel up and turn brown like the other ones."

And from "My Many Colored Days"" a beloved children's book by Dr. Seuss:  "Some days, of course, feel sort of brown.  Then I feel slow and low, low down." 

As the mother of a beautiful, brown boy, these things have raised questions for me.  What am I supposed to do when our son starts making connections about the color of his skin and the negative connotations associated with that color?  Frankly, they are everywhere once you start noticing them.  Brown and black both have some very strongly negative associations.  In our daily dealings with our little one, we do (and have always) incorporated as many positive connotations surrounding these colors as we can.  For example, I will say, "Look at that beautiful, brown belly...I'm gonna' give it some kisses!" when I'm changing  his diaper, amongst other things.  But he is at a critical age right now.  He is listening and picking up on everything we (and others) say as he tries to make meaningful connections about our world. 

I don't think he has been harmed by any of these negative statements...yet.  It's a tough realization for me that there will come a time when I won't be able to protect him from the flaws of our society, and from the things other people say.  I've read "My Many Colored Days" hundreds of times over the years but only recently did I give any serious thought to the brown page.

I'm not even really sure where to go with this, it's just one my mind and something I need to think about more.  There are some obvious things we can do, like make sure positive associations are made and reinforced whenever possible, especially within his everyday environments.  Still though, this is one of those things that sort of caught me off guard.  It simply wasn't something I ever had any reason to think about before.  Now it is and I don't quite know what to think...        

Two Books I No Longer Need

I was looking through some old books in our shelves the other day and came across two that took me way back.  Thankfully, they are books I no longer need.    

The Infertility Survival Guide
The Infertility Survival Handbook

This made me realize that I absolutely do not miss those days, on any level.  Even during this time of wanting to get the wheels turning on our family additions, I have zero desire to walk down that path again.  My heart belongs to adoption now, and I am forever grateful for that.  Not only for our precious son, but for the miracle that adoption has been in our lives.

That's all.

 
           

   

 

(The Absence of) Sunshine & Roses

Well friends...it's been a long time since I've really written much here. Mostly that's because of how busy I've been but it's also because I tend to get stuck when I'm struggling. It's hard for me to push aside the old adage, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Struggling may be too strong of a word for my state of being lately anyway. I know I'm not really struggling in the sense that some people are. There are many things in my life for which I am extremely grateful.

Still, my bloggy friend, Rachel kind of hit the nail on the head for me in her post (written a while back) called, "Life is Messy." Boy isn't it! And Rachel's point is her post is that we all try to pretend that our lives aren't messy but that in so doing, we neglect to tell our true stories, to show the nitty gritty reality of who we really are. I think she's absolutely right but I also think it's hard to let that messiness show. At least it is for me.

In any case, here's my attempt at telling the truth...at sharing my messiness with others so that maybe {?} they will learn something from my journey here.

So what is the truth...my truth? One place so start is that it's not all glory - I love my child but being a mommy is not all sunshine and roses. There are times when I really question myself as a mom, especially now that our son is a walking, talking toddler. I used to think I knew what I was doing with children...until I had a child! Now I just think parenting is a much harder job than you can ever really prepare yourself for. There are good days and bad days and there are many beautiful moments along the way but being a good mom (what is a good mom, anyway?} is hard work!

And...while being a "good mom" is one of the very most important things I do, it is only one of the things I do. Some days the stress of keeping it all together (even when I'm not keeping it all together) is simply overwhelming. Our house is often a mess, our dogs need more attention than they get, there is a garage full of clutter attached to our house, there are so many red blinking lights on my never-ending to-do list that sometimes the best I can do is to allow myself to take a nap. Now there you go, that's messy...but it is my truth.

Then there's money and our stress surrounding the current lack of it in our lives. This past year, having no more loan money for the completion of my education and no consistent income on my part. Well, it's been hard. There have been several times when I wasn't sure if we would make it through. But we always do make it, largely because my parents have helped us tremendously when it comes to making ends meet. But that's messy! I'm a 35 year old woman who is still in college and still relying on her parents to help meet expenses. As thankful as I am for their unending support, borrowing from them the way we've had to doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel like a heel.

Speaking of that education I mentioned above...it is taking FOR.EVER! I know I only have a few more months to go until I graduate and I know that time will FLY by but I have been at my whits end with this chapter of my life for longer than I can even say. I don't regret making the decision to go back to school and become a teacher, I think that's a good fit for me. But I also didn't imagine it taking this long or being this expensive, this draining for us. We are tough and we are sticking it out but Michael and I have both been pretty extensively stressed this past year and it's largely due to the fact that I'm still in school and I don't contribute enough to our financial house. I am exhausted just thinking about all the hurdles we've had to overcome. It seems there's always something unexpected that crops up and throws a wrench in things. And messy? What about the job market out there? As much as I can't wait to graduate, I'm terrified to be a job hunter in this climate. There simply isn't much out there when it comes to the teaching field in my state, and we're not in a position to consider moving. It's really alarming to consider the what-ifs in case I can't find a job. I really can't even go there at this point.

Lastly (for this post anyway) there is my relentless and exhausting yearning for more. More what, you ask? Well...more children, of course. I know that with the current state of things in our household I really have no business even thinking about adding to our family at this point. I know that in my brain but try telling that to my heart. I've had several stern conversations with her and she just keeps right on with her unreasonable demands. And what is it with human desire? Why do we always want more than we have? A big part of me feels guilty for even longing for another child. For years I prayed and begged God that if he would only give me ONE child, I would be eternally happy. Plus, I know firsthand how hard it is to not have any children and be wanting them. From that position, it is almost unbearable to hear someone say they want another child, to hear someone complaining about that. And yet, here I am wanting more...talking about wanting more. The truth is though, that I can't deny that part of myself. I DO want more. I have always wanted kids (plural) and I want our son to be a brother. Honestly, right now, I'm just not sure where it all fits. My desires pitted against our reality. Unfortunately, reality wins hands down (for now) but that doesn't change how I really feel in my heart of hearts. It doesn't make all the announcements of "seconds" from the families of children who are exactly (or close to) our son's age any easier to read/hear. I'm not bitter in any way, I am very thankful for what we do have; however, there is a part of me that still does (and probably always will) resent the people out there who can just get a whim to have a baby one day and then they are pregnant the following weekend. Not that I'm even wanting pregnancy, don't misunderstand...but I do want to have a bigger family and it is not going to be an easy process by any stretch of the imagination.


 
            

Three Minutes

How long is this going to take?  How old will our son be before he sleeps through the night comfortably?  I've hesitated in writing this post for a long time because, quite honestly, I don't want or need the judgment of any other moms about this topic.  I'm already stressed enough without hearing the opinions of everyone else on what I should be doing or how I should do things differently.

We've been struggling with sleep, off and on, pretty much from eight (or so) months forward.  As soon as we tried to start getting C. to go to sleep on his own, it became a problem.  It hasn't been a problem throughout every stage and we have had some successful periods with him sleeping through the night for enough nights that I think we've finally broken through.  Then something changes (illness, schedule change, etc.) and the struggle starts again.  I am fully aware that we have played into this problem in some ways.  The simple truth is that neither one of us is good at letting our baby cry.  There are many factors that go into this.  First is the fact that we waited so long for him.  We've already spent enough nights with empty arms and sad hearts.  Listening to our little one cry while we sit in another room, miserable at the sound of his angst, is not something either of us has ever dealt with well.  Couple that with the fact that our little boy, with very few exceptions, is always happy and you can see why it's been a challenge.  When he does get upset, he's dramatic.  He gets huge crocodile tears that melt your heart and make you want to do anything to make them stop.  He knows how to push our buttons well and push them he does.  None of that is to say though, that we haven't done some things "by the book," so to speak.  We've always had a simple bedtime routine and we've tried to stay consistent with things like how long we are willing to let him cry, what we say when we go in to comfort him and so on.  Some might think of us as coddlers but the bottom line for me has always been that I want to parent from an attachment standpoint.  From an adoption perspective, attachment is critical.  From the moment I laid eyes on our tiny baby, I knew that if there was one thing I didn't want to mess up, that was it.  To that end, we have been highly successful; however, C's sleeping habits have been another matter.

None of this is new to me.  I "helped" all of the parents of former children I cared for get their babies to sleep by telling them to let the babies CIO, within reason.  Now I'm wondering if I didn't make things harder for them.  Knowing what I know now about being a mom, I can't help but wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut back then.  I don't think our efforts with C. have been an utter failure.  He does sleep, he just wants someone to be there with him.  Somewhere along the way, my emotional connection to him got the better of my rational reasoning about how to sleep train a baby.  One thing I've learned is that the very act of being the parent of another human being is rather irrational at times.        

All that said, and with all the ups and downs of this whole process, things have gotten much worse in the past week or so.  I think lots of things are going on.  I think C. is entering a new stage of cognitive development in which he is more aware of our interactions and he's testing his limits, testing us to see what happens when...  I also think he may be teething and/or growing, which can both cause disruptions in sleep patterns.  Add to all that the fact that he will be starting daycare in a couple of weeks, (and you all know how I feel about that) which has made me want to work that much harder to get him to sleep peacefully on his own.  Whew!  Well, it's not that hard to see why the whole thing has gone "tits up" to coin a lovely phrase my husband likes to use when things are really a mess.      

So that brings us to tonight.  I am on the verge of tears as I type this right now.  I just let our son cry himself to sleep for 57 minutes.  You read that right, three minutes short of AN HOUR.  Now I'm thinking, "What have I done?"  I'm a horrible mother...he's going to be scarred for life...on and on.  My rational mind knows he will be fine.  It knows that even if my decisions tonight were a big, fat mistake (which they quite possibly were) he will survive.  What was that thing about motherhood being irrational again?  Well...you get the point.  He did cry himself to sleep.  He did eventually give up.  The interminable question though, is should I have let him?  I honestly just couldn't do it anymore tonight.  The past couple of weeks, particularly the past three days or so have been exhausting.  Last night I was up until 1:00 with him and then by 4:45 he was in our bed.  He hasn't been napping well either, sleeping in 20-40 minute spurts.  So on one hand, we have an exhausted baby who is clearly not his typical, happy self, coupled with a mama who just needs a break and on the other hand we have a baby who has to scream for nearly an hour before finally falling asleep.  Do you see why this is so hard for me?  Why it seems that either way I go is wrong?  I don't want to coddle him to the point that he thinks he can manipulate us and that he won't nap at daycare...but I'm also not at all happy with letting him cry for that long.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to do that again, unless I go outside or something.

I guess the decision of where to go from here will have to be based on what happens next.  Will he make it through the night because he cried himself to sleep, or will it not really matter?  Will he wake up happy and refreshed, or will the screaming resume the second he opens his eyes?  After reading this article and post on Ashely's blog the other day, this has been on my mind a lot. In any case, it's neither here nor there.  I did what I thought was best tonight, and now I'm second guessing myself like crazy.  There en lies part of the problem.  I need to make up my mind on how we're gong to handle the current problems we're having, then we need to be firm and consistent until this phase passes.  I know that in my rational mind but well...what was that thing about motherhood being irrational?

My final thoughts on this are that every child is unique, and as such, they each have unique needs.  Child and parent relationships are unique too, which certainly factors into the equation.  I think I used to think, before becoming a mom, that this wasn't that difficult.  That if you did basically the same thing with any kid, sleeping would become a non-issue.  Only now can I see how wrong I was.  How hard this is from the parenting perspective.  Knowing C. as I do, I realize he is an exceptionally people-oriented child.  He is always in tune to people and what they are doing, saying, etc.  He is a social butterfly.  I honestly think, on a primal level, he doesn't want to be alone.  Therefore, I think that for him, sleeping through the night is harder than it might be for some other children.  Perhaps that's just me justifying the situation in which we now find ourselves, I don't know.  The bottom line though, is that I do know my son better than anyone else out there and I know what does and doesn't work for him...for us.  Now I just have to pair that with my knowledge of child development and my prior experiences and we should be able to solve this problem yet.  There...maybe a little positive energy will go a long way.  I certainly hope so because I am pooped!

Another Blogging Buddy

This past Wednesday, I had a chance to meet up with Wendy and her daughter, Zoe.  Wendy's blog is one I've been following for quite a while now, throughout their adoption journey and into the beautiful family life they have now.  There's something so remarkable about getting to physically meet someone who, for all intents and purposes, you already know really well.  There is a transformation that happens throughout the adoption process, and when that 's shared through writing, there is a kinship that is unparalleled in other encounters.  Wendy and I talked about the fact that, even though our IRL friends do mean well and do try to understand, there is just something about the world of adoption that they can't break into without having experienced it first hand.  It's comforting to spend time around other people--other moms--who don't have the same questions and misconceptions that are all too prevalent in so many other situations.  We had a great day, hanging out at the Ann Arbor Hands-On Museum and then enjoying lunch at Zingerman's Delicatessen, followed by lots of great conversation while we waited out the afternoons' torrential downpours to subside.

We had a great day and considering we were accompanied by two little ones, we were able to talk quite a bit while the babies played or sat in our laps.  Great times!  

 

 

A Grand Day Out!

Yesterday was a special day for Charlie and me.  Rebekah and I, along with our baby boys, drove to Grand Rapids, where we met up with BB and her little one for an afternoon of fun at the Frederik Meijer Sculpture Gardens. We spent the majority of our time in the super cool Children's Garden they have there.   

It was so amazing to have all of our sweet little miracle babies together in one spot.  These two girls were some of the first I ever started following here on the blog and their stories and support have been both an inspiration and a safety net for me throughout mine.  Another adoptive mom put it very well when she said, "It's wonderful to actually meet with those people who've supported us through our journeys. It's a beautiful thing."  I couldn't agree more and I'm very thankful for having had the opportunity to move my relationship with these amazing women beyond the blogosphere.  I've said it before but it's worth repeating, I'm really not sure how I would have survived our adoption journey without this blog and the genuine connections it has forged.  So fascinating to me that 15 years (or so) ago this sort of thing never would have or could have happened.  And at the same time it feels completely natural, I feel like they've been my friends forever.  There's something so comforting about being in the company of people who just get it...people who have traveled down very similar roads to ours and consequently don't need any explanations for how beautiful and yet how complicated being an adoptive mom can be at times.  

Since I'm clearly at the risk of rambling on even further, I'll conclude with some of the best photos from the day.  We had a great time!

It's My Moms'

This afternoon in class, someone leaned over to me and said, "You have amazing handwriting." It was an unexpectedly kind comment and without even missing a beat I replied, "Oh thanks, it's my moms'."

Then I looked down at my paper and realized that Charlie will never be able to look at his handwriting and automatically know where it came from. He will never be able to look at any part of himself and know, without a doubt, that it came from his first mom, or from any other biological family member for that matter.

An incredible wave of sadness washed over me.

Of course I know that I am his mom...and I will certainly pass my beliefs, habits, sayings, etc. down to him through nurture but there will be another part of him that will come from nature alone and we will never know the origins of that. What a loss.

I don't talk about {the absence of} his birth mother very much because honestly, it's a little too much for me to tackle sometimes. I think it's one aspect of our story that I'm going to have to digest in small pieces, as we go. I guess my realization today was one of those small pieces.

I'm okay really. The sadness didn't linger, it was more of an observation (a dawning really,) of some of the missing pieces and questions that will be an inevitable part of our future as Charlie grows. It does make me sad but because of my own nature, I go back to the fundamental belief that it is what it is and there must some reason for that, even if I can't completely understand from where I currently stand.

365 Days Later, Part Three - Today was the Day!

Do you remember THIS news? Today was the day last year when we got THE CALL, as we were sitting at dinner with most of my family, as well as my sister's future in-laws. That day was shocking, surreal, joyful, unbelievable, scary, overwhelming, exciting, everything all rolled into one.

I will never forget how I felt when that call finally came. My hands were shaking and the room was spinning. I'll never forget the shouts of joy as I put the phone to the side and looked at my family (who had, by that time, figured out that something was happening and were staring intently at my end of the table.) I said, "We have a baby boy!" and all I remember is an eruption of excitement as my older sister, Nan literally landed in my lap from her place across the table from me. People seemed to be right up in my face, asking a million questions, though I know that was just my perception because I was overwhelmed.

I was so happy for my little sister, Holly. That was the night of her pinning ceremony for graduating from nursing school. That had been a long road for her too so our family was in full celebration mode. It was hard for me to concentrate on anything but the baby I was about to meet but I did the best I could trying to remain present.

Actually I sobbed off and on through most of the ceremony. People around me kept looking but for once in my life, I just let the tears flow, unchecked, down my cheeks. They started when my older sister gave me the "Mother's Blessing" ring she had been carrying in her purse for...years, while she waited for our baby. I was doing okay up until she slipped that into my hand. I walked out to the lobby and she followed. She hugged me and I just sobbed on her shoulder for several minutes.

Come to think of it, I cried pretty regularly (A LOT) for about the first month of Charlie's life. Thinking of that now, I'm pretty sure those tears were important. They helped me officially close that chapter of loss and grief in my life and move on...opening my heart to the blessings of motherhood.

Wow. That's all I can really say. My eyes fill with tears again now thinking back to that day, when our whole lives changed forever. When we found out about a precious, tiny baby boy who would become our son and who has since filled our home and our hearts with more love than can really be measured.

365 Days Later, Part Two

So where was I on this day in history, the day our child was born? To be honest, I wasn't having a very good day. In fact, I was pretty much hitting the rock bottom of our wait. Those of you who were there probably remember that April was a hard month for me last year, right up until the very end. In early April, I discussed my exasperation in this post. Then there was the "close call" we had with the premature baby girl that pretty much sent me on a downward spiral.

If only someone could have told me our time was literally only days away...I wouldn't have wasted so much energy being upset.

In fact, I had gone to the doctor on April 28, to get our paperwork updated and signed yet again, thinking I was going to have to go through the process of updating our home study again. The conversation with the doctor had been very rough, I was struggling. I remember telling her how sad I was and feeling that she sort of wrote me off. I actually cried that day, all the way home on the 45 minute drive. I was just so exhausted and so depleted. I remember thinking that I wasn't sure we were supposed to keep going...feeling that maybe we should just throw in the towel.

If only someone could have told me our time was literally only days away...I wouldn't have wasted so much energy being upset.

Thinking about that now, I am amazed. To think that I sobbed and felt sorry for myself all the way home, as there was a woman only an hour away, giving birth to a baby and going through what must have been a tremendous amount of both physical and emotional pain. Well...I just wish I could have known. Not only do I wish I could have been there on the first day of our son's life but I also wish I could have known her. To maybe, on some small level, have been able to give her some sort of comfort and peace that her son would be loved. Yes, I wish I could have been there and I wish I could have known.

Still, I believe that Charlie's story is what it is for a reason. I am so very grateful for our son and for his birth mother. The day of his birth...the day that was the beginning of the greatest experience of our whole lives will forever be a day that is close to my heart, and not just because it's our son's birthday.

An Unexpected Opportunity to Share

Tonight our agency held its first panel discussion group about trans-racial adoption. Originally Michael and I were asked to speak on the panel; however, the community response was overwhelming for the agency so they politely asked us to be audience members instead. The email we received said something to the effect of, "The response to our proposed meeting about trans-racial adoption has been very positive with many more people than we anticipated agreeing to be on the panel of speakers. Several adult adoptees have been added to the panel, which will allow less time for adoptive parents to speak."

Honestly when I got that email my reaction was mixed. I was one part relieved because we've been so busy and this was one less thing to add to the list but the other side of me was miffed because, although I am by no means an expert, this is one topic about which I do have a lot of thoughts. Besides--what adoptive parent doesn't want an opportunity to share their story?

So whatever, I let it go. Michael ended up having to work tonight anyway and today was an exceptionally busy day for me at school. I decided I would attend the meeting as an audience member and absorb what new information I could. For some reason I had it in my head that the meeting started at 7:00 but it was actually scheduled for 7:30. It was a good thing I arrived early though because one of the panel members was unable to attend. When I heard that, I ceased the opportunity and volunteered to sit on the panel in her place. As my SW said after the meeting was over, "it was serendipitous."

I'm so glad I got to share our story! I felt like a valuable part of the group of speakers and it was so nice to look out into the crowd and see 20+ families, most of whom were listening intently to see if trans-racial adoption was something they could envision for themselves down the road.

The panel was amazing. There were four members from one family consisting of 11 children, eight of whom were adopted. The parents were there, along with their son and daughter, both of whom were African-American adult adoptees. There was a woman I've met a few times in the past who has adopted three children through our agency, two of whom are African-American, there was an adult adoptee from Columbia, there was a man with whom Michael works who, along with his wife, adopted their now three-year-old bi-racial son when he was a year old, there was me, and there was my good friend and her husband whose daughter is almost two and is of Hindu Indian dissent. Quite an interesting mixture of speakers to be sure.

We were each given a few minutes to introduce ourselves and share a little bit of our story with the audience, which was pretty powerful. After that they opened up the floor for general Q & A. Some of my favorite quotes from the evening were:

• "You know, if we hadn't adopted our children, five or six of them wouldn't have lived."
• "You love who you love, it's not about color."
• A first-graders response to the question, "Why are those white people your parents?" "Because they adopted us! And besides, my dad is pink."
  

Many of the topics addressed tonight were issues I discussed in my recent post about race. The main points I took away from the meeting were things most of us already know but which still serve as good reminders. The bottom line is that while there are intrinsic issues surrounding it, trans-racial adoption is very doable. With the wealth of knowledge and information out there, combined with networking such as this meeting afforded me and others like me, white adoptive parents can and do raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children even when physical and cultural identity are completely different.

I let the meeting tonight feeling really good about what our future holds and about us as the unique and valuable family we are.

Every so often....

...people come along in our lives with whom we have an unexpected and immediate connection. Surprisingly, I've learned that this can even happen in blogland where the connections are virtual but still so real. Kel is one such person for me. Ever since she and I found one another's blogs, we have been connected, inexplicably, in this way.

After a long wait, peppered with some pretty intense disappointments, Kel and Jer met their baby boy, J.C. today! This is one of those matches that makes me cry tears of joy, and makes me remember what this is all about. This little family is gorgeous in every way, and they deserve every ounce of happiness that comes their way!

When you have a chance, stop by Kel's Blog and congratulate her on the best blogosphere news I've heard in a while!

A Day I'll Never Forget

Kisses for Charlie!

Our first official day as a family was everything I had imagined it would be and then some. Even though our precious boy has been every bit our son in our minds and our hearts since we first laid eyes on him this spring, it feels good to know he is officially ours in the eyes of the legal system now too. Our day in court yesterday was amazing!

We were lucky to be able to finalize Charlie's adoption on National Adoption Day, which meant we were part of the celebration the court house held in honor of the 14 adoptions that took place in our county yesterday. There were balloons, refreshments, adoption-related information and keepsakes, guest speakers, and news media there to commemorate the occasion. We were interviewed by the reporter who was there, and he took several photos of the three of us together. I wonder if we'll be in the paper? They had four court rooms open, and we were among the first group of families to be called.

We were also fortunate because the judge who presided over our case is also the adoptive mommy of a five-year-old African-American boy. She showed us pictures of her son, and she even asked me if I'd like to get our boys together sometime, which of course I would! During the hearing, she had some insightful and poignant things to say about both the rewards, and the hardships of adoptive parenting, and particularly about what it's like to be a transracial family in today's world. Listening to her, both during the hearing and afterwords, I felt wholly understood and celebrated. I feel excited about the prospect of getting to know her better, and having our sons meet one another.

Our hearing was extremely touching, and emotionally overwhelming. Listening to our case worker talk about our story, and how we waited such a long time for "the right baby" was quite a moment. When she said she would like to recommend us for permanent placement and care of Charlie she said, "They clearly love him to death!" The judge had also read through our entire (40+ page) home study, and she remembered several things that she mentioned during the hearing, including our love story, and our two dogs, which made everyone chuckle.

here we are, taking our solemn vow to accept both the blessing, as well as the burden of parenting.

finally, our long-awaited moment with the judge!

here we are with my mom and dad, Charlie's Ema and Epa...they look so proud!

Once we were done with the legal aspects of our day, we had family and friends back to our house for fun, games, and food! Here's our precious boy, enjoying the homemade letter C ginger bread cookie his daddy made for him.

Seriously...he is too cute for words!

We really had a fantastic day! All day long I felt really special, and really celebrated. We played games, chatted, and everyone seemed to have a genuinely good time. So many people stopped by, it was amazing. At one point there were four little ones under the age of four in our tiny little living room. It was so nice to know that our son was amongst the group of babies. I felt so proud as I watched them play...their laughter was music to my ears! Towards the end of the evening, we commemorated our first-ever Gotcha Day by taking a mold of baby boy's hand and foot.

Once they dry completely, we'll display them in a frame, along with a photo from today, and the signatures of all the guests who stopped by. I'm so happy to have this keepsake, as well as so many great memories from our special family day with our son. It's challenging to get my words to do justice to the overflowing joy, love, and pride I felt yesterday, and still feel today when I think about our beautiful family. We are truly blessed beyond measure, and I am left with an overwhelming feeling of happiness and gratitude when I think about our story and how far we've come in {really} such a short time!

I'd do it all again in an instant!

Two Days to Go

Charlie's adoption day is coming up on Tuesday! We have been shopping, cleaning and cooking like crazy today! The court house is having an "adoption appreciation" celebration on Tuesday to go along with all the adoptions that will be finalized in our county that day. Press will be there, and it will be a big shindig. I am jittery, but in a good way.

Honestly I can't believe we are here already! I can't believe we've come from where we were this time last year to where we are now...it's amazing! Every day I seem to fall more and more in love with our son. I keep thinking that at some point my love for him will reach capacity, but maybe it just keeps on growing, who knows?

There has been a lot of negativity going around here lately, and to be honest it's been getting me down (see previous post.) But there has also been some good news over which I've been doing a little happy dance! :)