Mommy My Moon

Tonight as I was tucking Charlie into bed, we sang one of our favorite songs, "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." As I covered him up, I said to him, "Goodnight, Charlie My Star."  In his sweet, sleepy little boy voice he replied, "Goodnight, Mommy My Moon,"  It was one of those precious, fleeting moments of motherhood that I wished I could bottle up and keep forever. 

He is growing and changing so fast these days, and I often find myself reminiscing about days gone by.  I do love now, but sometimes I just miss the simpler times from when he was younger.  Truth be told, we are all working hard right now, and our days are busy and sometimes overwhelming.  I often feel like my time with him is too full of all the things we have to do and not full enough of the things we want to do.

Tonight served as a powerful and precious reminder of how each and every moment we share with our little ones is special.  How each and every moment matters, especially to our children.  And...because I can't help myself, I'll leave you with a recent picture of the little man himself, plus his parents.  :)  See what I mean...he's growing up and changing so fast these days! 

A Little More Love...

So today marked a special milestone for our family.   We had a much-anticipated appointment after work, with our adoption agency!  That's right, we have officially begun the process of adoption for baby #2.  We are excited and actually--not that nervous this time.

It helps sooo much having already been through this process and knowing what to expect along the way.  That, and...I feel happy and content where we are in life right now.  While I absolutely do want to grow our family, and I do want another child, I don't care as much when that happens, or how.  I'm not sure that makes a lot of sense.  All I can really say is that I am much more relaxed this time around than I was last time.  I'm sure there will still be moments when it's hard or frustrating or whatever...but overall, I feel a sense of contentment and peace about the whole thing.

Que Sera, Sera 

Charlie was so cute then we picked him up from daycare.  We asked him if he wanted a baby brother or a baby sister and he said, "brosher."  I high-fived him for that because, deep down, I have a special little place tucked away in the corner of my heart for the notion of a family of BOYS.  Not that I wouldn't completely welcome and adore a baby girl, mind you!  Then walking into the restaurant where we stopped for dinner, I explained that Mommy and Daddy had been to the adoption agency today and that we were going to adopt a baby again.  I said, "But this time, you get to help!"  I asked him again if he wanted to have a brother or a sister and he said, "Ummmm...a sisser!"  Cut to our conversation at the dinner table, where Michael asked him the same question one more time and, after carefully considering for a minute, he said, "I want a brosher AND a sisser!" Now that is a boy truly after my own heart - covering all his bases in such an important matter.  Oh how I love him so.  I know he will make an amazing big brother when the time comes, I can't wait for that!!

  

 

           



   

Birthday Boy

April 28th three years ago was not the best of days for me.  If only I had known then what I know now...well let's just say I would have spent that day rejoicing and being thankful instead of lamenting.  Now, three years later, April 28th stands in my memory as one of the best days of my life.  Though I didn't know it at the time, my life was about to change completely, for the better.  

Looking back now, it's actually hard to remember what things were like for us before he came home.  Happy 3rd birthday to our friendly, funny, feisty, fast, (sometimes) ferocious but always fabulous little man.  Charlie...I could not love you more if I tried!!

 

           



   



  

When the Baby is Having a Baby...

That's right folks, the baby of our family, my little sister, is pregnant!!  I've known for quite some time but haven't really been prepared to share until now.  I am very happy for her as I know the journey to this place was less than easy.  While we definitely had a shared camaraderie in our experiences of infertility, I am so happy that her trip down that road has taken a different turn.  I love that our family is still growing, and I am so excited that my sister will get to experience the awesome ride of motherhood along with us now.

I had an incredibly special experience a couple of weeks ago.  I got to go to her prenatal doctor's appointment.  We heard the baby's heartbeat (nice and strong at 138-142) for a couple of minutes.  It was, quite simply, amazing.  I never got to experience that with my own son (and I am genuinely okay with that) but because of my sisters, I have been able to have small glimpses of what it's like to grow a baby inside your own body.  I'm so thankful to both of them for letting me experience, vicariously, some of the special moments that infertility tried to take away.  I felt very similarly when my older sister let me feel one of her contractions as she was beginning to go into labor with my now two-year-old niece.  All of the children in my life are extremely special to me and I love that our family is so close that I can be a part of their lives even before they are born. 

It's so odd for me, for the baby of our family to be pregnant.  She's always been the one we all looked out for.  Not that we don't/won't do that now but she's doing this thing - this amazing thing that's so much bigger than all of us, and that I've never done.  Pregnancy and preparation for motherhood requires her to be very much grown up and it's such a strange, yet beautiful thing for me to watch.  I love my family and my sisters more than words can possibly express.  This is an exciting time for all of us and I am so very thankful for the many blessings we have.

 
           

   

  

Talking About Adoption

With a very verbal little man in our midst, it's become more important for me to get adoption on his radar screen. I've always used the word casually around him and tried to pepper our conversations with things like, "The day we adopted you was the best day of our whole lives." We look at his baby book together and he shouts, "doption day!" every time we come to that page but I've been thinking lately that we need more. It seems important to at least begin talking about this aspect of our lives and how we became a family more, now that he's beginning to ask questions and attempting to make some sense of the world. I do want him to lead the conversations and discussions we have as the years unfold; however, I also want him to know that adoption is a safe subject in our household and that he can always ask any questions that come to mind. According to an article I read last week, openly talking about adoption now, while he's young and still forming a framework with which to view the world is one key way to make that happen.

So we've been reading the book, "I Wished for You" by Marianne Richmond a lot, and I try to tell him our (similar though still unique) story in simple terms too.  My good friend and fellow adoptive mama, Debbie has made several books for her little girl including their special story.  I know they have been good conversation starters for Debbie and other members of her family, and I'm thinking I'd like to do the same sometime soon. The thing is, like all parenting, this is all a learning process and I'm figuring it out as we go along.  It's sort of like an added dimension to his normal growth and development.  An added thing I have to consider as he gets older and picks up more of what we say and do.  All I know for sure is that I want our son to just know that he was adopted and that he had a special (though not better or worse) way of joining our family.



 
           

   

  

Our Birthday Boy

Charlie is two today, I'm in disbelief.  It's hard for me to grasp the fact that two whole years have gone by since the amazing little boy who is our son entered this world.

 
He changed our lives forever, in ways we never could've imagined.  He has brought us so much laughter and happiness in such a short time, there are no words. 
  

 

From those first days when I sat holding him and staring into his soulful, brown eyes to the sweet, funny, adorable little person he has become.  Well quite honestly, the transformation amazes me.    

His personality is endearing.  He says the most adorable things these days and he understands so much.  Yesterday I think I probably got 30 hugs, which is none too many.  For a long time now he's been referring to himself as "Ya Ya" but that has begun to change (intermittently) to "Awie" as in, "Awie do it or Awie did it."  I've been trying to write down as many of his little antics as I can...he certainly is good at cracking us up!  

Here are some of my favorites, jotted down randomly in spare moments as they occurred:

• Dees da eward, dat da doo-dy! {This is Edward, that's Judy} He says this when we're reading Firehouse, one of his all-time favorite books.  It might not seem that funny, until you know that he's pointing to the opposite main characters in the book (Edward for Judy and Judy for Edward,) then looking back at me, grinning from ear-to-ear.    

• One two free hugs fu yoo a ah tis too! {One, two, three hugs for you and a kiss too}  He will say this as he's running across the room to give me a hug.  Totally melts my heart every time!  

• I wa cared or Mommy, I cared!  {I was scared or Mommy, I'm scared}  He says this often these days as he learns and experiences new things.  Loud noises often startle him and he will run over to me saying this. 

• Up, up I waaa howd ju {Up, up - I want to hold you} This is one of my favorites and a part of me wishes he would never stop saying it!  He knows it works on me too because he will often use this when we're sitting at the dinner table and he wants out of his high chair.  Yeah...I'm a sucker!  :)

• Peppa-owni an a pizza {Pepperoni on a pizza}  What can I say...it's pretty much his favorite food.  Speaking of food...

• Pees ockit or pees cany {Piece of chocolate/candy} He says this while pointing to the candy jar on our entertainment center.  Thankfully, he still eats lots of veggies, protein and fruit so I can give in on the occasional treat.

• Doobell! {Doorbell}  He says this while running from person to person pulling up his shirt and showing off his belly button.  I made up a game with him one evening where I pressed his "doorbell" and said "bing bong!"  Apparently it was a hit...

• Ohhhhhh ya!  Said with exuberance any time we show him something new or point out something in the car or when we're out and about. 

• I cooood {I'm cold!}  Usually said amidst tears at diaper tine.  I think he really does get cold but I also think it's a ploy to not have to get his diaper changed.  This one doesn't work so well.   

• Besh ooo, Mommy/Daddy {Bless you, Mommy or Daddy} Always said when we sneeze and often when we cough too.  We've all been pretty sick around here for the past couple of weeks so I've been able to hear it a lot.  Adorable!  

• Hey mom... _____  And fill in the blank with anything.  He can be showing me something, saying hi to me, or asking me to read to him.  It's super cute when he says this, but I'm not 100% thrilled about his switch from "Mommy" to "Mom."  Luckily it's only occasionally for now.  

• Buckle Daddy... _____ {Michael Daddy} and again, you can fill in the blank with anything.  We've tried all kinds of things to get him to stop calling Michael Michael but he is persistent.  Hopefully it's only a phase.  

• Uh-Uh, no sir, Mommy!  He says this when he really doesn't want to cooperate and it's so hard to keep a straight face.  Through process of elimination, we figured out that his daycare provider tells him, "No sir" when she's really serious about disciplining him. 

A few things that are new this week:

• DVTV  This is a combination of DVD and TV, I think.  He received a Curious George DVD from my sister, for Easter and he's been saying this a lot since then.  Speaking of Easter...

• Eesah bunny come you kwuck steekers, ohhh ya!  {The Easter Bunny came to see you and gave you some truck stickers, oh yeah!}  He's been saying this repeatedly since Sunday.  I should send the Easter Bunny a note and tell him that next year, truck stickers would be more than enough to fill up the basket.  Made  his day!  

• Ohh, I yuv et! {Oh I love it!}  Said with exuberance any time he sees/gets something new.  He said it a lot on Sunday as he opened his Easter baskets.  I'm not sure where he picked this one up but I do love it!  

• Whuts inthayre or whut wa dat? {What's in there or what was that?}  Apparently he's starting the questioning phase a little early.  I thought this was more of a three-year-old thing but he says it in context.  We were weeding the garden yesterday and he kept peering into the holes left by my weeder saying, "Whuts inthayre, Mommy?"  I'm not sure I'm ready for this!  Speaking of things I'm not quite ready for... 

• Uh-Uh, dat no yeyyo, dat owege!' {Uh-uh, that's not yellow, that's orange.}  He said this the other night in the bath when we were looking at his Sesame Street bath book.  I said, "Big Bird is yellow" and he shook his head, saying the above statement.  Now it's his new joke to say, "Oweeeege!" any time we ask him what color Big Bird is. 

So, as of today I am the proud mommy of one very amazing little two-year-old.  If he were a weather forecast, it would say, "Sunny overall with a chance of sudden clouds."  His mood changes fast these days and he's learning how to express his anger without throwing his toys or melting into a puddle of tears onto the floor.  He learns tons every single day and sometimes keeping up with him takes all the energy I have.  Still though, I wouldn't trade his hugs, kisses, and sweet giggle for anything in this world!  With that, I shall leave you with some of his cuteness on video as he, "got eet!" when I blew bubbles for him yesterday.  LOVE! 

 
           

   

Beautiful Boy!

It's been a long time since I've written an update about our little man, which is exactly what he's become!  Our house is a joyful whirlwind most of the time these days.  He's 22 months old today.  That means he will turn two in exactly two months.  That is crazy to me, where has the time gone??

His is a smart little guy...and funny too!  The other day, we were sitting in the car waiting for M. to come out of work.  C. was about 1/2 way through the apple he was eating when he handed it to me, seeds exposed, and said, "Ewwww Mommy, poop! Yucky!"  Needless to say, he wouldn't eat any more of the apple after that.  lol



One day last week, I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes when it suddenly dawned on me that I was talking to C. at eye level.  Little stinker had emptied out one of his toy baskets and pulled it over to the counter when I wasn't looking.  He wants so badly to be like us and to do everything we do, it's quite endearing and also quite frightening.  He has such a mischievous, playful personality...sometimes it seems that he almost enjoys getting into trouble.  Speaking of, we've started (loosely) using time outs lately and they seem to be working.  We try only to put him in a time out when he is hurting someone or himself or for the worst infractions of him not listening to our requests.  He really hates being excluded from the action & doesn't enjoy being ignored so this method of redirection is effective for him.  One minute can seem like a long time when your little boy is crying as if heartbroken.  Ahem.  Yes, I daresay someone has his parents pretty much where he wants them.

He's very interested in how things work these days.  He loves opening/closing things any time he gets a chance.  Doors, jars, bottles, cabinets, drawers...you name it.  Zippers and buttons fascinate him right now too but they sometimes also frustrate him when he isn't successful.  Speaking of frustration, that happens semi-often too these days, although it's getting better.  We've been working with him to get him to say, "Help Mommy" or, "Help Daddy" when he's frustrated, instead of throwing a fit.  We're getting there but sometimes he forgets, especially when  he's hungry or tired.  


Really, every day with him is something new.  I'm continually amazed at all he learns and all he can do...I absolutely love hearing his little voice as he learns new words and phrases.  I'm not sure where he even picked it up but today it was, "Oh dea!" repeated time and again, followed by peals of laughter.  For some reason, that really struck his funny bone.  We repeated it for him countless times just to hear that contagious laugh of his.  He's getting pretty good at communicating these days.  He regularly speaks in 3-5 word sentences & will usually tell us exactly what he wants.  Today I was playing "tick-tock" with him as I swung him back & forth.  When I stopped he said, "Mo, Mommy.  Mo ick ock!"  I obliged, of course!  He loves to count too and will often count when we go up and down steps or when I'm giving him goldfish.  He can count to ten & usually does so successfully but sometimes it's, "1...2...3...4... 5...6...7...4...5...6...7...8...9...10."  He also knows the names of all his characters in both Thomas the Train & Bob the Builder.  He is often heard running around the house talking about "Weasle Teeen, Pecy, Thomeees, Aewy, Buwt, Deisyy, Bob a Biwdew and so on..."

Earlier this week he learned the word okay but he pronounces it "hoakey."  He will excitedly say, "Mommy, I waaaa wach weasle teeen!" (which comes out sounding like one big run-on word) and before I can even answer it's, "Hoakey Mommy!" over and over.  Pretty much if he wants us to say, "Okay Charlie" to him he's excitedly chanting his version to us.  He also uses okay in the other correct context.  For example, last night as we were lying on the bed he pulled my hair.  Then, ever so gingerly, he leaned over and in the sweetest toddler voice you can imagine said, "Hoakey Mommy?"  Needless to say, I didn't get too mad at him for not being nice to mommy.  :)    

Obviously I could go on and on about this little person.  He is pure joy to me; wrapped up in a sweet, cute, mischievous, sometimes stinky, often sticky, but always lovable bundle of 100% boy!  Every time I have the thought that I couldn't possibly love him more, a new day dawns and I am once again amazed by the depths of my emotions for our precious little man.  

 
           

   

(The Absence of) Sunshine & Roses

Well friends...it's been a long time since I've really written much here. Mostly that's because of how busy I've been but it's also because I tend to get stuck when I'm struggling. It's hard for me to push aside the old adage, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Struggling may be too strong of a word for my state of being lately anyway. I know I'm not really struggling in the sense that some people are. There are many things in my life for which I am extremely grateful.

Still, my bloggy friend, Rachel kind of hit the nail on the head for me in her post (written a while back) called, "Life is Messy." Boy isn't it! And Rachel's point is her post is that we all try to pretend that our lives aren't messy but that in so doing, we neglect to tell our true stories, to show the nitty gritty reality of who we really are. I think she's absolutely right but I also think it's hard to let that messiness show. At least it is for me.

In any case, here's my attempt at telling the truth...at sharing my messiness with others so that maybe {?} they will learn something from my journey here.

So what is the truth...my truth? One place so start is that it's not all glory - I love my child but being a mommy is not all sunshine and roses. There are times when I really question myself as a mom, especially now that our son is a walking, talking toddler. I used to think I knew what I was doing with children...until I had a child! Now I just think parenting is a much harder job than you can ever really prepare yourself for. There are good days and bad days and there are many beautiful moments along the way but being a good mom (what is a good mom, anyway?} is hard work!

And...while being a "good mom" is one of the very most important things I do, it is only one of the things I do. Some days the stress of keeping it all together (even when I'm not keeping it all together) is simply overwhelming. Our house is often a mess, our dogs need more attention than they get, there is a garage full of clutter attached to our house, there are so many red blinking lights on my never-ending to-do list that sometimes the best I can do is to allow myself to take a nap. Now there you go, that's messy...but it is my truth.

Then there's money and our stress surrounding the current lack of it in our lives. This past year, having no more loan money for the completion of my education and no consistent income on my part. Well, it's been hard. There have been several times when I wasn't sure if we would make it through. But we always do make it, largely because my parents have helped us tremendously when it comes to making ends meet. But that's messy! I'm a 35 year old woman who is still in college and still relying on her parents to help meet expenses. As thankful as I am for their unending support, borrowing from them the way we've had to doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel like a heel.

Speaking of that education I mentioned above...it is taking FOR.EVER! I know I only have a few more months to go until I graduate and I know that time will FLY by but I have been at my whits end with this chapter of my life for longer than I can even say. I don't regret making the decision to go back to school and become a teacher, I think that's a good fit for me. But I also didn't imagine it taking this long or being this expensive, this draining for us. We are tough and we are sticking it out but Michael and I have both been pretty extensively stressed this past year and it's largely due to the fact that I'm still in school and I don't contribute enough to our financial house. I am exhausted just thinking about all the hurdles we've had to overcome. It seems there's always something unexpected that crops up and throws a wrench in things. And messy? What about the job market out there? As much as I can't wait to graduate, I'm terrified to be a job hunter in this climate. There simply isn't much out there when it comes to the teaching field in my state, and we're not in a position to consider moving. It's really alarming to consider the what-ifs in case I can't find a job. I really can't even go there at this point.

Lastly (for this post anyway) there is my relentless and exhausting yearning for more. More what, you ask? Well...more children, of course. I know that with the current state of things in our household I really have no business even thinking about adding to our family at this point. I know that in my brain but try telling that to my heart. I've had several stern conversations with her and she just keeps right on with her unreasonable demands. And what is it with human desire? Why do we always want more than we have? A big part of me feels guilty for even longing for another child. For years I prayed and begged God that if he would only give me ONE child, I would be eternally happy. Plus, I know firsthand how hard it is to not have any children and be wanting them. From that position, it is almost unbearable to hear someone say they want another child, to hear someone complaining about that. And yet, here I am wanting more...talking about wanting more. The truth is though, that I can't deny that part of myself. I DO want more. I have always wanted kids (plural) and I want our son to be a brother. Honestly, right now, I'm just not sure where it all fits. My desires pitted against our reality. Unfortunately, reality wins hands down (for now) but that doesn't change how I really feel in my heart of hearts. It doesn't make all the announcements of "seconds" from the families of children who are exactly (or close to) our son's age any easier to read/hear. I'm not bitter in any way, I am very thankful for what we do have; however, there is a part of me that still does (and probably always will) resent the people out there who can just get a whim to have a baby one day and then they are pregnant the following weekend. Not that I'm even wanting pregnancy, don't misunderstand...but I do want to have a bigger family and it is not going to be an easy process by any stretch of the imagination.


 
            

Christmas Joy

I'm pretty sure it doesn't get a whole lot better than this! Festive decorations, amazing family, toddler wonderment, great food, awesome gifts, and Daddy's birthday celebration to top it off. Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

 

 
            

A Letter from Christmas Past

Charlie's second Christmas is only a couple of days away.  Time has flown by so very fast lately, I'm left with the distinct sensation of a spinning frenzy of activity akin to a blizzard.  How is it possible, already, that this is my second Christmas as a mama?  I can still so acutely remember the sadness that came with the holidays for me, through the waiting years...through my time before Charlie.  But that is gone for me now.  Gone but not forgotten.  Never forgotten.  I've been thinking lately about what it all means.  Seeing the Christmas lights sparkle and reflect in our son's beautiful eyes really makes me think about the magic of Christmas.  For me it is and always has been about the children.  That's a big part of the reason why waiting, especially during the holidays, was so very difficult for me.  I wanted a child so badly so that I could see and relive that wonder and joy through his eyes.  Now that we have the child with whom to share the joy of this incredible time of year, I find myself reaching back into the past and remembering what it was like before he came along.  If I could have known then what I know now, what would I have said to myself?  What advice would I have given?  What would I have done differently?

 
I guess part of my reflective state is due to the face that my baby sister is currently in the beginning stages of her own journey through infertility.  I wish it wasn't the case.  I wish pregnancy would come easily for her and that I didn't have to see her struggle.  But I'm also glad we have each other and...at the risk of sounding narcissistic...I'm glad she has me.  Those of us who have navigated the waters know that they can be very cold and lonely at times.  I hope I will be able to lessen her burden a bit, simply because I've been there and I remember.

So what would I have said to myself back then, if I could've had a glimpse into this future...if I could've known what I know now?

.....................................................

Dear Melba,

Smile!  Put on your coat of Christmas cheer for the world to see!  Your time will come, you will be a mom!

Right now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and experience this moment.  Relax.  Just breathe.  If you are sad, it's OK.  Feel sad...it will help you to pave the way for all the love that's going to pour forth from your heart the first time you hold your sweet son and kiss his tiny baby cheeks.  You will love him more than you can even possibly imagine right now.  He will color your world in ways you never thought possible.  He will bring joy back to you and multiply it by 1,000.  You have no idea what being a mom will be like.  It's not something you can know before it happens to you.  I will tell you that it's not as easy as you think it is right now.  It is rewarding and beautiful in many ways but it is also challenging and overwhelming in many ways.  You will be a good mom but you will also make a lot of mistakes and you will often wonder if you're doing things right.  You will question yourself more than you think you will and you will worry about that boy, despite your best efforts at putting that aside.  So...be sad and feel the pain as it is needed now, it must serve some purpose for you.  But also try to stay awake and alive to NOW.  Try to remember that for better or worse, every day does count.  Who you are today does matter tomorrow.  Give your husband a hug and tell him how much he means to you.  Tell him how much you cherish the time you have together.  Embrace that and hold it close.  Your baby will change your marriage.  In many ways he will strengthen it but he will also bring new challenges and new expenses that will require some adjustment for both you and Michael.  He will make you stretch and expand, in ways both pleasant and problematic. 

What I really want you to know...to understand...is that you have to be alive NOW.  One day in the not-so-distant future, you will look back on these times and you will wonder why you spent so much of your time feeling sad.  You will never forget how hard infertility and the waiting part of the adoption process were but you will wonder why you let those things encompass so much of your being.  So again I say to you, Melba...smile!  Tuck the sadness away and use it when you need it but don't let it overpower you.  You have to struggle some now so that you will appreciate more later but you have my permission to feel hopeful, alive and happy right now, too!

Sincerely,

Your not-so-distant future self...      

 
            

1000 Words

You know that old saying about a picture being worth a thousand words?  Well I think it's true around this time of year more than any other.  Gone are the days of old fashioned Christmas cards that were the holders of carefully cut school pictures of the children.  While those were great in their own way, I would always end up keeping the pictures on my fridge for a few months and then covering them up with more current fridge-fluff.  These days, old fashioned holiday cards have been replaced by an even better treasure, a card that IS a picture!  Anyone who knows me, or who has followed this blog for any length of time knows that I love pictures.  I love taking pictures, looking at pictures, giving photo gifts and especially receiving photo cards from friends and family!  In December with the cards begin rolling in, I love the way my hutch looks, all decorated with the beautiful faces of friends and family, shining out from the cards they send. 

In my opinion, Shutterfly is the ultimate holiday greeting card provider.  Not only do they have promos and specials that run throughout the year, they also have great deals for the holidays.  Their user-friendly interface makes selecting and designing the perfect photo card a snap.  With Shutterfly at your fingertips, you can send cards that are worth a thousand words this holiday season!  Check out the one I love most, I can't wait to design this with my own photos and send it out to everyone on my list this year.  The whole process is exciting to me!  Now that we are a family of three, it is so thrilling to be able to send the kind of updates I always love to receive.  Having a beautiful baby boy makes meaningful gift giving that much easier.  I know his family in Scotland will LOVE to receive the photo calendars I plan to create for them this year.  Check out Shutterfly’s great selection along with this really cool promotion, especially for fellow bloggers.

 

Things That Go Bump in the Night...

...or "Why You Should Always Clean Up All Toys After the Toddler Goes to Bed!"

We had a bit of a scare in the middle of the night last night.  Michael tripped on a toy, while holding Charlie, and fell.  I had just fallen asleep and was at the beginning of a dream when I heard my husband screaming (and swearing, though I'll leave that part up to your imagination) along with a lot of loud bumps/bangs and some seriously intense baby crying.  I jumped out of bed and was in the hallway before my brain could even comprehend what was happening.  My heart was racing so fast I could feel it banging in my chest.  When I saw my husband lying there, Charlie standing, in tact, beside him, I wanted to scream too.  His legs were in Charlie's room and his head was in the corner of our hall closet, where the door meets the wall.  I picked Charlie up and checked that he was OK.  Thankfully he was, even though he was still crying a lot.  His little heart was pounding too.  At the same time, I was asking Michael if he was OK and what had happened.  He was responding to me, which I knew was good.  I offered him my hand and tried to pull him up but he said no.  I stood there for a minute or two watching him.  I didn't quite know what to do.  I was really scared that he might have seriously injured (as in broken) his back or neck.  I went and sat down on the toilet so I could try to think calmly and assess the situation.  We were talking the whole time but I'm not sure what exactly was being said.  I finally got Charlie to calm down enough to stop crying and we just sat there, a little shocked.  Michael managed to get up and limp back into our bedroom.  I followed him and asked, again, if he was OK.  He asked me if his foot was bleeding and I looked at it and saw that it was.  He cut the bottom of it pretty badly, though we're still not sure exactly how.  I cleaned and bandaged his foot, making sure that the bleeding had stopped.  He said his elbow, head, neck and back were also hurting.  I asked him a few questions to make sure he was thinking clearly.  His elbow was grazed pretty badly with a red friction burn on it.  There were no other visible injuries so my main concern at that point was whether or not he had a concussion.  We waited a few more minutes and I asked him if he thought we should go to the ER.  He said no, that he just needed some Tylenol and water.  I got those for him and also cleaned up the blood from the floor.  We all tried to lie back down but after that adrenaline rush, none of us could truly relax again for quite some time.  We finally did manage to fall back asleep, though I'm not sure how long it took.

Things seem to be almost back to normal today but Michael is definitely bruised and sore.  He said that when he fell, the only thing he could think of was not falling on top of Charlie.  He basically did a complete turn and landed flat on his back in order to protect the boy.  I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I am that this incident wasn't so much worse.  It certainly could have been, on many levels.  We usually do a reasonable job of picking up all the toys after Charlie goes to bed but once in a while there is a toy here or there.  Hard to imagine that one erstwhile plastic truck can create such distress.  I'm feeling pretty relieved and thankful for my little family today, I just hope Michael feels better soon.

A Trip to #2 Hippo Way

When Charlie was born, one of the very best gifts we received was a season pass to the Toledo Zoo.  This zoo is amazing...it's apparently one of the top ten zoos in the country.  It's an easy day trip for us since it's not very far from home. 







The pictures you see here are some of my favorite photos from each of the two times we've taken Charlie there so far.  The first time was on a fluke warm day back in November.  He was only about six months old at the time and I can't believe he was ever that small!

The second was just this past weekend.  He had such a blast, running around ALL over the place and exploring the new neighborhood play space they have just for kids.  Great times!

 

Why Daddys are so Great!

First of all, happy second Father's Day to my amazing baby daddy. I love you, Michael...thank you X a million for all you do for Charlie and for our little family...you are our greatest fortune!

By the way, giving him the whole apple wasn't Mommy's idea!

The other day, Charlie and I were out to lunch with a friend. We were standing at the register to pay our bill and when I opened my wallet to get my money, Charlie saw the picture of Michael sitting in my wallet. He pointed to it said, "Da Da." When I gave him the picture to hold, he put it up to his ear the way he does when I give him my phone. He wanted to call Daddy. It was adorable!

I've been thinking a lot lately about how mommys and daddys are different. I love that and think it's so great for the children. Sometimes, after I've been with Charlie all day, we both need a little change of pace and it's so refreshing for us to be with Michael.

One night this week, right before Charlie went to bed, he was sitting on Michael's lap. We gave him a drink of water, at which point Michael said, "Hey Charlie, show Mommy our trick!" I watched as Michael took the lid off the cup, let Charlie take a gulp and then stick his hands into the cup to swish the water around. I was thinking to myself, "I would never let him do that!" But you should have seen the grin on our son's face...it was priceless!

The way papas play is wonderful...my two guys might make/leave a bigger mess than I do but they have so much fun together when it's just the two of them, it's awesome!

Mixed Emotions

My thoughts are rambling all over the place tonight, as the clock is about to tick over into my second mother's day.

I just learned that E, a blogging friend I've been following for a long time now (through many ups and downs) is "finally a mom." I am on top of the world for her and want to dance around and jump for joy over her amazing news!

I remember this time last year as though it was yesterday. Baby C. was just about two weeks old and I was over the moon as a brand new mommy. I also remember how I had felt all those years prior, first TTC and then waiting. I will never forget how hard those times were. My heart goes out to any of you who are still out there; waiting and wondering, suffering in silence.

And then there are the birth mothers. Today is National Birthmother's Day, did you know that? These women are so often misjudged, overlooked and forgotten by our society but they are mothers too. They deserve to be honored for their selflessness, the tough choices they have made (and stood by) and the sacrifices they have made on behalf of our children. Without them, so many families I know wouldn't be. My family wouldn't be. That's a pretty intense thought and it matches my intense feelings about this topic right now. Words fail me.

Lastly, there's me as a mom. A little over a year later, the title of "mama" is starting to feel more natural to me...less extraordinary, although that in no way means that I've begun to forget that every moment with our son is precious. I don't exactly know how to put this into words either. My heart still swells every time I see him do something new, or when our sweet boy reaches out to me for a hug...but being referred to as a mom, as his mom, though still amazing and beautiful and wonderful, is no longer earth shattering. It's simply who I am now and it fits. I'm now an old pro at celebrating mother's day as a mother. When did that happen? I don't really know but it feels good. I feel as though I've spent the past year growing into who I was meant to be all along and now the shoe just fits.

I don't know if any if this makes sense...I just needed to get it out and process a little of what I've been thinking about this weekend. Happy Mother's Day, Everyone!

It's My Moms'

This afternoon in class, someone leaned over to me and said, "You have amazing handwriting." It was an unexpectedly kind comment and without even missing a beat I replied, "Oh thanks, it's my moms'."

Then I looked down at my paper and realized that Charlie will never be able to look at his handwriting and automatically know where it came from. He will never be able to look at any part of himself and know, without a doubt, that it came from his first mom, or from any other biological family member for that matter.

An incredible wave of sadness washed over me.

Of course I know that I am his mom...and I will certainly pass my beliefs, habits, sayings, etc. down to him through nurture but there will be another part of him that will come from nature alone and we will never know the origins of that. What a loss.

I don't talk about {the absence of} his birth mother very much because honestly, it's a little too much for me to tackle sometimes. I think it's one aspect of our story that I'm going to have to digest in small pieces, as we go. I guess my realization today was one of those small pieces.

I'm okay really. The sadness didn't linger, it was more of an observation (a dawning really,) of some of the missing pieces and questions that will be an inevitable part of our future as Charlie grows. It does make me sad but because of my own nature, I go back to the fundamental belief that it is what it is and there must some reason for that, even if I can't completely understand from where I currently stand.

365 Days Later, Part Three - Today was the Day!

Do you remember THIS news? Today was the day last year when we got THE CALL, as we were sitting at dinner with most of my family, as well as my sister's future in-laws. That day was shocking, surreal, joyful, unbelievable, scary, overwhelming, exciting, everything all rolled into one.

I will never forget how I felt when that call finally came. My hands were shaking and the room was spinning. I'll never forget the shouts of joy as I put the phone to the side and looked at my family (who had, by that time, figured out that something was happening and were staring intently at my end of the table.) I said, "We have a baby boy!" and all I remember is an eruption of excitement as my older sister, Nan literally landed in my lap from her place across the table from me. People seemed to be right up in my face, asking a million questions, though I know that was just my perception because I was overwhelmed.

I was so happy for my little sister, Holly. That was the night of her pinning ceremony for graduating from nursing school. That had been a long road for her too so our family was in full celebration mode. It was hard for me to concentrate on anything but the baby I was about to meet but I did the best I could trying to remain present.

Actually I sobbed off and on through most of the ceremony. People around me kept looking but for once in my life, I just let the tears flow, unchecked, down my cheeks. They started when my older sister gave me the "Mother's Blessing" ring she had been carrying in her purse for...years, while she waited for our baby. I was doing okay up until she slipped that into my hand. I walked out to the lobby and she followed. She hugged me and I just sobbed on her shoulder for several minutes.

Come to think of it, I cried pretty regularly (A LOT) for about the first month of Charlie's life. Thinking of that now, I'm pretty sure those tears were important. They helped me officially close that chapter of loss and grief in my life and move on...opening my heart to the blessings of motherhood.

Wow. That's all I can really say. My eyes fill with tears again now thinking back to that day, when our whole lives changed forever. When we found out about a precious, tiny baby boy who would become our son and who has since filled our home and our hearts with more love than can really be measured.

A Big Day for Our Big Boy!

I'm definitely in post-overload right now but I don't want to forget one single moment of these days! Even now, having a one-year-old, I find that I am surprised when I look at photos and videos from this last year. How tiny Charlie was...how could I have forgotten? But I have. Days have gone by and times have changed. I've gotten caught up in the todays and forget what all the yesterdays were like, not that that's necessarily a bad thing. Much like his entry into our lives though, I want to capture every single moment of Charlie's first birthday so that I never, ever forget how sweet these times truly are.

We had a great day today. We both had the day off and spent it happily enjoying time with our son. His actual birthday party with family and friends is yet to come, this Saturday but today we had lots of fun practicing for the big event. This morning had us opening up and breaking in a couple of new toys, which included a square foot garden kit for Mommy that will certainly appear in future blog entries! After that we went to lunch, where Charlie got a balloon and his first-ever restaurant birthday serenade, along with dessert that was bigger than he was. Next it was off to our favorite Scottish bakery about half and hour away, where we picked up some treats that we save for special occasions. To finish off the afternoon, we took a trip to the park where Charlie enjoyed some time on the slide and swing. Finally, we went over to my parent's house where we had dinner and sang "Happy Birthday" to Charlie as we (well, the wind) helped him blow out his candle. It was a lovely day and without further ado, here is a photographic synopsis of our celebrations:

Early morning snuggles with Daddy, on the deck.

Showing off his snazzy socks and birthday shirt.

Dessert that's bigger than you are, nice...

...and delicious!
Special time with Mommy...

...and Daddy!
Checking out his cool blue balloon...

...and of course, showing it off!

Daddy, helping Charlie practice his new walking skills.

Sliding and smiling!

Swinging in the sunshine!

Yes that's a pickle he's sharing with Daddy, yum!

Mama and Baby.

Brown eyes and birthday cake

What a beautiful mess!