To Blog or Not to Blog...

...that is the question! 

There was a time when I would've said blogging was in me - as in something I had to do, something about which I had no choice.  I'm no longer sure that's the case but I do still enjoy blogging, when I have the time.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I'm not sure exactly where to go with my blogging.  I love that I have so many followers, and I love (even more) the valuable connections I've made through this blog but...where should I go from here?

That's where you come in...

A fellow adoptive mom and good friend of mine, (see what I mean about the valuable connections I've made through blogging!) Wendy recently wrote a post and I've decided to follow her lead. 

If you read my blog...

Can you take a moment to leave me a comment and tell me a bit about yourself?  How did you find my blog and what has kept you interested in it?  Did you adopt or do you have plans to do so?  What other connections do you have to adoption?  Is there anything you would like me to write about or write more/less about?    

Thanks for the feedback!

 
           

   

  

A Letter from Christmas Past

Charlie's second Christmas is only a couple of days away.  Time has flown by so very fast lately, I'm left with the distinct sensation of a spinning frenzy of activity akin to a blizzard.  How is it possible, already, that this is my second Christmas as a mama?  I can still so acutely remember the sadness that came with the holidays for me, through the waiting years...through my time before Charlie.  But that is gone for me now.  Gone but not forgotten.  Never forgotten.  I've been thinking lately about what it all means.  Seeing the Christmas lights sparkle and reflect in our son's beautiful eyes really makes me think about the magic of Christmas.  For me it is and always has been about the children.  That's a big part of the reason why waiting, especially during the holidays, was so very difficult for me.  I wanted a child so badly so that I could see and relive that wonder and joy through his eyes.  Now that we have the child with whom to share the joy of this incredible time of year, I find myself reaching back into the past and remembering what it was like before he came along.  If I could have known then what I know now, what would I have said to myself?  What advice would I have given?  What would I have done differently?

 
I guess part of my reflective state is due to the face that my baby sister is currently in the beginning stages of her own journey through infertility.  I wish it wasn't the case.  I wish pregnancy would come easily for her and that I didn't have to see her struggle.  But I'm also glad we have each other and...at the risk of sounding narcissistic...I'm glad she has me.  Those of us who have navigated the waters know that they can be very cold and lonely at times.  I hope I will be able to lessen her burden a bit, simply because I've been there and I remember.

So what would I have said to myself back then, if I could've had a glimpse into this future...if I could've known what I know now?

.....................................................

Dear Melba,

Smile!  Put on your coat of Christmas cheer for the world to see!  Your time will come, you will be a mom!

Right now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and experience this moment.  Relax.  Just breathe.  If you are sad, it's OK.  Feel sad...it will help you to pave the way for all the love that's going to pour forth from your heart the first time you hold your sweet son and kiss his tiny baby cheeks.  You will love him more than you can even possibly imagine right now.  He will color your world in ways you never thought possible.  He will bring joy back to you and multiply it by 1,000.  You have no idea what being a mom will be like.  It's not something you can know before it happens to you.  I will tell you that it's not as easy as you think it is right now.  It is rewarding and beautiful in many ways but it is also challenging and overwhelming in many ways.  You will be a good mom but you will also make a lot of mistakes and you will often wonder if you're doing things right.  You will question yourself more than you think you will and you will worry about that boy, despite your best efforts at putting that aside.  So...be sad and feel the pain as it is needed now, it must serve some purpose for you.  But also try to stay awake and alive to NOW.  Try to remember that for better or worse, every day does count.  Who you are today does matter tomorrow.  Give your husband a hug and tell him how much he means to you.  Tell him how much you cherish the time you have together.  Embrace that and hold it close.  Your baby will change your marriage.  In many ways he will strengthen it but he will also bring new challenges and new expenses that will require some adjustment for both you and Michael.  He will make you stretch and expand, in ways both pleasant and problematic. 

What I really want you to know...to understand...is that you have to be alive NOW.  One day in the not-so-distant future, you will look back on these times and you will wonder why you spent so much of your time feeling sad.  You will never forget how hard infertility and the waiting part of the adoption process were but you will wonder why you let those things encompass so much of your being.  So again I say to you, Melba...smile!  Tuck the sadness away and use it when you need it but don't let it overpower you.  You have to struggle some now so that you will appreciate more later but you have my permission to feel hopeful, alive and happy right now, too!

Sincerely,

Your not-so-distant future self...      

 
            

1000 Words

You know that old saying about a picture being worth a thousand words?  Well I think it's true around this time of year more than any other.  Gone are the days of old fashioned Christmas cards that were the holders of carefully cut school pictures of the children.  While those were great in their own way, I would always end up keeping the pictures on my fridge for a few months and then covering them up with more current fridge-fluff.  These days, old fashioned holiday cards have been replaced by an even better treasure, a card that IS a picture!  Anyone who knows me, or who has followed this blog for any length of time knows that I love pictures.  I love taking pictures, looking at pictures, giving photo gifts and especially receiving photo cards from friends and family!  In December with the cards begin rolling in, I love the way my hutch looks, all decorated with the beautiful faces of friends and family, shining out from the cards they send. 

In my opinion, Shutterfly is the ultimate holiday greeting card provider.  Not only do they have promos and specials that run throughout the year, they also have great deals for the holidays.  Their user-friendly interface makes selecting and designing the perfect photo card a snap.  With Shutterfly at your fingertips, you can send cards that are worth a thousand words this holiday season!  Check out the one I love most, I can't wait to design this with my own photos and send it out to everyone on my list this year.  The whole process is exciting to me!  Now that we are a family of three, it is so thrilling to be able to send the kind of updates I always love to receive.  Having a beautiful baby boy makes meaningful gift giving that much easier.  I know his family in Scotland will LOVE to receive the photo calendars I plan to create for them this year.  Check out Shutterfly’s great selection along with this really cool promotion, especially for fellow bloggers.

 

Three Minutes

How long is this going to take?  How old will our son be before he sleeps through the night comfortably?  I've hesitated in writing this post for a long time because, quite honestly, I don't want or need the judgment of any other moms about this topic.  I'm already stressed enough without hearing the opinions of everyone else on what I should be doing or how I should do things differently.

We've been struggling with sleep, off and on, pretty much from eight (or so) months forward.  As soon as we tried to start getting C. to go to sleep on his own, it became a problem.  It hasn't been a problem throughout every stage and we have had some successful periods with him sleeping through the night for enough nights that I think we've finally broken through.  Then something changes (illness, schedule change, etc.) and the struggle starts again.  I am fully aware that we have played into this problem in some ways.  The simple truth is that neither one of us is good at letting our baby cry.  There are many factors that go into this.  First is the fact that we waited so long for him.  We've already spent enough nights with empty arms and sad hearts.  Listening to our little one cry while we sit in another room, miserable at the sound of his angst, is not something either of us has ever dealt with well.  Couple that with the fact that our little boy, with very few exceptions, is always happy and you can see why it's been a challenge.  When he does get upset, he's dramatic.  He gets huge crocodile tears that melt your heart and make you want to do anything to make them stop.  He knows how to push our buttons well and push them he does.  None of that is to say though, that we haven't done some things "by the book," so to speak.  We've always had a simple bedtime routine and we've tried to stay consistent with things like how long we are willing to let him cry, what we say when we go in to comfort him and so on.  Some might think of us as coddlers but the bottom line for me has always been that I want to parent from an attachment standpoint.  From an adoption perspective, attachment is critical.  From the moment I laid eyes on our tiny baby, I knew that if there was one thing I didn't want to mess up, that was it.  To that end, we have been highly successful; however, C's sleeping habits have been another matter.

None of this is new to me.  I "helped" all of the parents of former children I cared for get their babies to sleep by telling them to let the babies CIO, within reason.  Now I'm wondering if I didn't make things harder for them.  Knowing what I know now about being a mom, I can't help but wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut back then.  I don't think our efforts with C. have been an utter failure.  He does sleep, he just wants someone to be there with him.  Somewhere along the way, my emotional connection to him got the better of my rational reasoning about how to sleep train a baby.  One thing I've learned is that the very act of being the parent of another human being is rather irrational at times.        

All that said, and with all the ups and downs of this whole process, things have gotten much worse in the past week or so.  I think lots of things are going on.  I think C. is entering a new stage of cognitive development in which he is more aware of our interactions and he's testing his limits, testing us to see what happens when...  I also think he may be teething and/or growing, which can both cause disruptions in sleep patterns.  Add to all that the fact that he will be starting daycare in a couple of weeks, (and you all know how I feel about that) which has made me want to work that much harder to get him to sleep peacefully on his own.  Whew!  Well, it's not that hard to see why the whole thing has gone "tits up" to coin a lovely phrase my husband likes to use when things are really a mess.      

So that brings us to tonight.  I am on the verge of tears as I type this right now.  I just let our son cry himself to sleep for 57 minutes.  You read that right, three minutes short of AN HOUR.  Now I'm thinking, "What have I done?"  I'm a horrible mother...he's going to be scarred for life...on and on.  My rational mind knows he will be fine.  It knows that even if my decisions tonight were a big, fat mistake (which they quite possibly were) he will survive.  What was that thing about motherhood being irrational again?  Well...you get the point.  He did cry himself to sleep.  He did eventually give up.  The interminable question though, is should I have let him?  I honestly just couldn't do it anymore tonight.  The past couple of weeks, particularly the past three days or so have been exhausting.  Last night I was up until 1:00 with him and then by 4:45 he was in our bed.  He hasn't been napping well either, sleeping in 20-40 minute spurts.  So on one hand, we have an exhausted baby who is clearly not his typical, happy self, coupled with a mama who just needs a break and on the other hand we have a baby who has to scream for nearly an hour before finally falling asleep.  Do you see why this is so hard for me?  Why it seems that either way I go is wrong?  I don't want to coddle him to the point that he thinks he can manipulate us and that he won't nap at daycare...but I'm also not at all happy with letting him cry for that long.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to do that again, unless I go outside or something.

I guess the decision of where to go from here will have to be based on what happens next.  Will he make it through the night because he cried himself to sleep, or will it not really matter?  Will he wake up happy and refreshed, or will the screaming resume the second he opens his eyes?  After reading this article and post on Ashely's blog the other day, this has been on my mind a lot. In any case, it's neither here nor there.  I did what I thought was best tonight, and now I'm second guessing myself like crazy.  There en lies part of the problem.  I need to make up my mind on how we're gong to handle the current problems we're having, then we need to be firm and consistent until this phase passes.  I know that in my rational mind but well...what was that thing about motherhood being irrational?

My final thoughts on this are that every child is unique, and as such, they each have unique needs.  Child and parent relationships are unique too, which certainly factors into the equation.  I think I used to think, before becoming a mom, that this wasn't that difficult.  That if you did basically the same thing with any kid, sleeping would become a non-issue.  Only now can I see how wrong I was.  How hard this is from the parenting perspective.  Knowing C. as I do, I realize he is an exceptionally people-oriented child.  He is always in tune to people and what they are doing, saying, etc.  He is a social butterfly.  I honestly think, on a primal level, he doesn't want to be alone.  Therefore, I think that for him, sleeping through the night is harder than it might be for some other children.  Perhaps that's just me justifying the situation in which we now find ourselves, I don't know.  The bottom line though, is that I do know my son better than anyone else out there and I know what does and doesn't work for him...for us.  Now I just have to pair that with my knowledge of child development and my prior experiences and we should be able to solve this problem yet.  There...maybe a little positive energy will go a long way.  I certainly hope so because I am pooped!

Quality vs. Quantity

Today was one of those days...you know the kind.  Running all over the place but not really accomplishing much at all.  I had a lot of school stuff to do and a standing social obligation that I didn't want to pass up.  Hence, I had very little time with the boy today.

Still, when we were together, we were cuddling and laughing and happy.  Certainly that counts for something, right?  I hope it counts for a lot because come the fall, when I start my full-time student teaching stint, that's the way things are going to be for us, most of the time.

I'm literally split right down the middle about the major changes that are headed our way in a little over a month.  One part of me is excited in a great anticipation sort of way and one part of me is terrified in an, "I don't know if I can do this" sort of way.  On top of my own anticipation/fear came the news that we will need to find new child care arrangements for C.  This development was not terribly surprising but still makes me feel sad.  We had a great arrangement going last year and I'm sad to see it go.  On the other hand, C. is getting to the age where it will be very beneficial for him to be around other kids and to have a little more structure to his days.  Yet again, I feel split right down the middle:  One part sad and one part excited to see what the next chapter holds.

I know it will all be fine.  I know plenty of people work full time (plus!) and still manage to maintain a great relationship/bond with their children.  I know many of you do it.  My sister does it.  I also know plenty of people who greatly enjoy their work away from home because they feel truly connected when they come back, rejuvenated rather than burned out.  Besides, it's not like I've been home full time forever.  I've had the blessing of two beautiful, languid summers with C. but I've also been pretty consistently busy with school since he was four months old.  I guess what I'm most worried about/scared of is the loss of my flexibility.  School allows for that...not only in terms of scheduling but in case anything unexpected comes up out of the blue.  While I do place attendance high on my list of priorities, I don't have to go to school if I don't want to.  With student teaching, I will put my very best professional foot forward and work...probably harder than I ever have before {not that I don't work hard now or haven't in the past} and it will all be for no pay.  That's an exhausting prospect no matter how you slice it.  At the same time, I can't wait to experience the whole picture of life in the classroom as someone other than the substitute teacher for the day...to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, so to speak, and get my feet wet for what my future career will really be like.

Ahhhh...I'm just so mixed, so all over the place about how I really feel.  And the time is flying by, fast!  Today was a glimpse into how I'm going to feel every day come the fall and it was bittersweet for me, in a big way!        

Eclectic Mom

Every once in a while, I think there are aspects of me as a mom that other people find surprising. Not long ago, a friend told me she was surprised that there was some "Ann Arbor mom" in me. If you live in this general area, or know anything about the city of Ann Arbor (home to the University of Michigan) then that comment will make some sort of sense to you. Ann Arbor moms are often pretentious (sorry but it's true) and are also known for being trendy and on the cutting edge of what's up and coming in the world of baby gear and baby care.

I agree with my friend--none of those characteristics accurately describe me. However, it is surprising yet true that I have chosen to do things with Charlie that definitely fit me into the label. Things like cloth diapering with Bum Genius diapers, making my own baby food and wearing my baby when and where ever possible.

About a week ago, a fellow blogger, Jen posted a great entry on her blog about how she's adapting to being the mom she wants to be. Her post got me thinking and I've been meaning to write this post all week but instead it's been rattling around in my head as I've sped through my days. In my comment to Jen I called myself an "eclectic mom" and that's exactly what I am. I wholeheartedly agree with her that it's best to break free from any of the various "parenting camps" and just go with the combination of your heart, head and gut when it comes to the question of how to parent.

I guess (at least in part) I'm able to do this because I am educated when it comes to early childhood development, theories, and practices. That background gives me comfort that I know what I'm doing even though I'm pretty sure I'd know what I was doing with my baby even if I didn't have the jargon to accompany my knowledge. To me, being an eclectic mom is all about one magical little word, balance. Among other things, it's about the equilibrium between being:

• laid back and rigid
• natural and convenient/practical
• knowledgeable and open to new ideas
  
• child focused and career oriented

But none of that is to say that I've got it all down. I'm nowhere near having all the pieces of the puzzle in place! I guess that's the whole point of this post though...that I try my best to lead with my instincts and to use my knowledge of my son's unique needs and personality to decide how to raise him, rather than steadfastly sticking to one way or method of parenting. In this way, I'm able to get the best of all the different schools of thought out there, and I'm able to stay centered on my baby's unique needs and abilities instead of fitting him into some standard measure or expectation of the things he "should" be doing.

With the seemingly endless plethora of parenting advice/opinion books and information out there, you can find at least one book that supports just about any parenting technique you want to try. And as I mentioned in this post, way back when Charlie was a tiny little thing, it can be absolutely maddening (especially to an overwhelmed new mom) how two books from two equally qualified "experts" will completely contradict one another. That's why, to me, it's essential to lead with the heart first, closely followed by the head.

One of my favorite professors used to say, "Ask Ten, Get Ten" as his reminder that opinions are exactly that, unique thoughts that can vary drastically from one person to another. That saying holds true with parenting too. If you have an issue on your mind, you can ask ten different people what they think and you are practically guaranteed to get ten different answers. That's both refreshing and infuriating!

As a mom, I honestly think one of the hardest things is the decision making...the weeding through all the information and resources to get to the bottom of what's really best for baby or what's really worth worrying about versus what should be left alone. The weight of that responsibility, that knowledge that another person's life is entirely dependent upon my decisions and my actions. Well I have to say that I'm so very thankful I have an amazing husband with whom I can discuss big decisions. I like being able to find out what he thinks and weigh my own ideas against his before I have to decide for sure. I like that our parenting decisions are (at least for the most part) a combination of his gut feelings and mine. I like that I have a partner in this consuming yet overwhelmingly joyful experience of raising a child. I am comforted by the knowledge that I don't have to do this all alone.

Whew, that was quite a lengthy and loaded post! I definitely rambled a bit more than I originally intended but it surely does feel good to have a place to purge all these thoughts and share my ideas. As always, I can't wait to hear what you all have to say in response! :)

Baby Wearing

In this wonderful new climate of "attachment parenting," baby wearing parents are everywhere. I too have done my fair share of strapping my baby to my body so I can go about my day without sacrificing my bonding time with the boy. From the time he was tiny, my preference has been to wear him as much as possible. Of course I've always made sure he has ample amounts of floor/free play time too. I'm really talking about wearing him in lieu of leaving him in his car seat or pushing him in the stroller.

When I look back over the past ten months, I see a gentle progression in terms of the various slings and wraps I've tried. Each has had its own unique features and benefits but there is so much to choose from out there that I thought it would be a good idea to share my experiences:

1. Infantimo Slingrider - This is the first sling I tried simply because it's the first sling I bought. Charlie was still tiny and I went to T.arget to see what they had. At the time, this was affordable and seemed handy, I honestly hadn't done a lot of research. I talked a little about my favorite features of the bag-style sling in this post. One of the comments from that post pointed out some potential concerns about this type of baby carrier; however, I will say that we still got a lot of use out of this item and I didn't feel overly concerned. I really liked the fact that Charlie was right there with me and I could easily look down and see him. He was instantly comforted when I put him in the carrier, I think because he could hear my heart beating and feel me breathing. I also liked the fact that he was concealed from nosy people out in public. At the time I was more sensitive to prying eyes and this put me back in control. I could easily go shopping or to a restaurant without having to deal with everyone wanting to touch my baby. We even took C. to a couple of movies in this carrier!

2. Baby Bjorn - Up until last week (see Ergo below) this was my favorite carrier. I would have recommended it to anyone! I actually still love the bjorn but I have found that it's getting harder and harder to carry Charlie as he gets bigger, despite the fact that we haven't reached the weight limit yet. Plus this carrier is less versatile in terms of how you can carry the baby and therefore what types of activities you can perform. Having said that, baby bjorn is one product where you absolutely get what you pay for. The carrier is extremely secure and well made. When I was initially comparison shopping I couldn't understand why the bjorn was twice the price of other seemingly comparable carriers. Then I tried it on. The criss-cross design of the straps across the back really help to distribute the baby's weight evenly. It was more than worth the extra cost given how much more comfortable it was for both me and Charlie. I also like the fact that the baby can be worn either facing out or facing in.

3. Maya Wrap (homemade) - A good friend sent me this hand-made version of the commercially available wrap. While it is beautiful and stylish, it's the wrap with which I've had the least success, hence no picture of it in use. I've used it a few times, once even to walk around the block but I still feel like I need to keep my hand on Charlie while he's in the carrier, which pretty much defeats the purpose of using a sling.






4. Ergo - Last but not least, my new favorite! I've had my eye on this carrier ever since I met a woman with four kids under four at the grocery store several months ago. She stopped to talk to Charlie and we struck up a conversation. She had one baby in the Ergo carrier on her back, another in her arms and the other two in her cart. The Ergo is not cheap, retailing for around $100; however, it is absolutely worth the investment. It's the most versatile carrier I've found, both in terms of the variety of ways you can carry the baby (front, hip and back) and in terms of weight limit (40+ pounds.) It's called the Ergo because it's ergonomically correct for both baby and adult. This carrier is relatively easy to maneuver, although there is a slight learning curve. I definitely think getting Charlie loaded onto my back is more of a feat that the tutorial videos portray. Having said that, I've only been using the carrier for two days and I'm already getting more comfortable with loading the boy in and out. A few of my other favorite features of this carrier are the side-zippered storage pocket, which for short trips, can eliminate the need for a diaper bag; the snap-on hood attachment (pictured below) that can be used as a sun shade or for when the baby falls asleep; the thick, comfortable padded straps; and finally the fact that the entire carrier is made of cloth and there's no hard wire frame like some of the other higher weight limit carriers I've seen.




All in all, my baby wearing endeavors have been quite successful. Now that I've used the Ergo, I'm wishing it had been with us all along. It will be the new carrier I recommend to anyone who asks and I will most likely use mine exclusively if/when we adopt again.

The Whole Privacy Thing...

Recently a lot of the bloggers on my blogroll have decided to go private. While I completely understand and respect that decision, it is kind of leaving me with an unsettled feeling.

I don't really feel the urge to go private, don't really want to go private, but maybe I should want to? Maybe I'm weird because I don't really hold back much? The pictures are probably the only thing I really worry about. Mostly since that ridiculous news story a while back about the picture that was stolen from a family blog...

But - especially now that we have Charlie, the whole point of this blog is for me to share. Share our experiences, share our lives, and share the joy we have in our son. I feel like going private would somehow change blogging for me in a bad way.

Then there is the anti-adoption hate garbage that's been happening around here lately. Honestly, this just makes me sick! I do not, and will never understand how there are people out there who feel vindicated by attacking others. Especially others like some of you. Sweet and caring people who are trying to do their best given the circumstances they face. I just don't get it, and this whole thing makes me really, really mad. I want to fight back, but instead I am watching as one by one, many of my favorite blogs are forced to go underground. It's ridiculous, and I wish they--those anonymous idiots--didn't have that much power over us.

Whatever. It is what it is. I can completely understand why those of you who are now private have done what you've done. You have made me think about it myself, and to be honest...I'm still thinking on this one. I guess the bottom line is that I just wish I...we...could feel safe. Safe to be ourselves and share our experiences without all the worry and fear.

Bad Blogger

Do they make an award for that? Because if so, I need one! Lately I've been really bad at commenting, and even worse at thinking of anything at all to write about.

I guess I'm a little burned out, or a little overwhelmed, or both...I don't know.

Things with Charlie are going well. He seems to be adjusting very well to me being gone a couple of days a week. He's always been Mr. Laid Back Baby, and the trend continues. That, coupled with the fact that we have an amazing caregiver who is doing this primarily because she loves babies has made my transition pretty smooth.

Still, I'd be lying if I told you that I'm not overwhelmed by the demands of being both full-time Mommy (the best job of all!) and full-time student. My brain simply isn't where it used to be, and that's showing up in my lack of organization and lack of ability to focus on what I need to be doing. My hat sincerely goes off to anyone who has walked this road before me. And to all you working moms out there...I never thought the balancing act was easy, but neither did I realize it was this hard, wow! I know that I will get back into the swing of things, and figure out what my new normal needs to be so that I can succeed at both of my jobs, but it's taking more time than I would like.

And speaking of jobs, that's the other thing that's been dragging me down. This is the first semester in a long time that I haven't been working at least part time, and the lack of income is getting to both of us. Any and all "extras" have now been completely eliminated, and we're down to figuring out how we can eat as cheaply as possible. Putting it in perspective, I know we are still extremely fortunate. We have a home, food, clothing, we are FINE. And I have this gift of precious, uninterrupted time with our son that I will cherish once he's older. I know I will look back on these times and be so very thankful that I was able to be with him as much as I am. Still, it's hard to be stretched so thin, and Michael and I are both feeling the squeeze.

I know I'm about to sound a little crazy, but we recently switched Charlie over to the generic version of formula, and it's really bugging me. The top of the En.famil container even says, "Because it's YOUR Baby!" Now if that's not an effective marketing ploy then I don't know what is! I KNOW he is fine, and I KNOW the comparisons are pretty equitable. I even asked the doctor if he would feed this stuff to his kids and he said yes. So what's my problem? Why do I still have this hang-up that we're somehow doing less than we should for our baby because we're not feeding him the name-brand formula? I guess part of the reason I feel this way is because this food is ALL he eats. But then when I look at the difference in price, and I look at our budget...I simply can't justify that extra expense for a name any longer.

The bottom line is hat it is what it is. All of this "stuff" with which I'm struggling simply is what it is. I'm doing what I have to do for our future, and we are going to have to scrimp and save and stretch for the next two years. This is our reality and there's not much I can do to change that. I guess now that we have Charlie, I'm a little afraid of being too negative, or complaining too much, both in real life, and here in blogland. I know things could be so much worse, and I never want to come off as though I'm taking our good fortune for granted. I'm finding, lately, that I've resorted to the old, "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" adage from my childhood. There is some goodness to that way of thinking, but it also means I'm nto really being real, and not really being honest...which is one of the reasons I started blogging in the first place.

So there you have it. That's where I've been lately, and those are the wheels that are turning inside my head. Feel free to begin throwing rotten tomatoes now.

It Made Me Cry

Today we worked on our "acceptability checklist" for the adoption paperwork. We've both been putting this part off, but we had today off and it was time. This is the list of doom. Basically there is a line for just about every birth defect, disorder, abnormality, or problem you can think of. There is a section for the unborn babies in question, as well as one for the birth parents and family. Next to each line we have to check "yes," "no," or, "consult." I know it's important for us to seriously consider what we can and can't handle as parents, but how can you really know that for sure?

If I were pregnant--and believe me I've thought about what that would be like--we would never have a choice about many of these things. They would just happen. I'm sure we would be shocked, sad, scared, whatever...but then...ultimately we would figure out how to deal with whatever the hardship was and we would just do what we had to do. Having to check yes or no is heart wrenching. Luckily there is that third option of "consult" but even still this is one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to complete.

What we both want is what every expecting parent wants--a healthy baby. Of course we don't WANT a child with down syndrome, or HIV, or any of the other myriad of problems on the list. But no one wants that for their children! And yet plenty of people have it! And what if we say no and limit our chances? Does that thought alone make us bad people...selfish people? On the other hand, what if we say yes to...say...a drug addicted baby, but for the wrong reasons? What then? What if, because we want so much to be parents, and we want to be good people, we end up with a situation we were never prepared for, and one we aren't equipped to handle?

I read an article in our adoption binder called, "The Child We Might Have Been Too Blind to See," and that's when the tears came. It's this sweet story about baby Melissa. She was born at only 2 pounds, with undeveloped lungs, and many other issues. They didn't think she would live more than a few weeks, much less ever walk or talk. The story ends with baby Melissa performing a solo in her kindergarten play. Yes she has issues and yes her life will be challenging...but with the love of the parents who adopted her, she has come farther than anyone ever thought possible.

How do we balance between a story like that and our own desire for a healthy (not perfect, just healthy) baby? How do we answer honestly and be true to ourselves, yet avoid closing too many doors to our hope of a successful adoption? My heart feels heavy today, and I guess I'm sad a little bit in general. I'm happy we're getting all our requirements done, and moving forward, but I still feel sad.

I think we'll be making an appointment with Elly and Amanda for next week sometime, to review our birthparent letter, album, and remaining paperwork. One day at a time...

When...?

Regarding adoption, when do you do all the baby STUFF? When do you buy the crib, and get the room ready, and start buying clothes? When do you actually move from wondering if you ever will be a mom to actually getting ready to be one? I care for my niece and my friend's little girl here in my home three days a week, so I have baby stuff here already. But I don't have MY baby stuff, if that makes any sense. I don't have a room ready in other words.

This is yet another aspect of this whole adoption thing that is rough for me. The unknowns and not being able to plan things out so that we don't have to be even more stressed when the time actually comes. I guess I just assumed we would wait until we got "the call" before making any big purchases, having a shower, etc. I've been reading/hearing so many stories lately where matches happen very quickly though and it's making me think...maybe we SHOULD get more prepared sooner rather than later? We're not even technically in "the pool" yet, so there's certainly no rush right at the moment, but I'm still wondering. How do you know when to do all that stuff? The other extreme is that we could have to wait years for our match, and I certainly don't want an empty baby crib sitting around the house for years.

Just wondering about all this stuff...