A Letter from Christmas Past

Charlie's second Christmas is only a couple of days away.  Time has flown by so very fast lately, I'm left with the distinct sensation of a spinning frenzy of activity akin to a blizzard.  How is it possible, already, that this is my second Christmas as a mama?  I can still so acutely remember the sadness that came with the holidays for me, through the waiting years...through my time before Charlie.  But that is gone for me now.  Gone but not forgotten.  Never forgotten.  I've been thinking lately about what it all means.  Seeing the Christmas lights sparkle and reflect in our son's beautiful eyes really makes me think about the magic of Christmas.  For me it is and always has been about the children.  That's a big part of the reason why waiting, especially during the holidays, was so very difficult for me.  I wanted a child so badly so that I could see and relive that wonder and joy through his eyes.  Now that we have the child with whom to share the joy of this incredible time of year, I find myself reaching back into the past and remembering what it was like before he came along.  If I could have known then what I know now, what would I have said to myself?  What advice would I have given?  What would I have done differently?

 
I guess part of my reflective state is due to the face that my baby sister is currently in the beginning stages of her own journey through infertility.  I wish it wasn't the case.  I wish pregnancy would come easily for her and that I didn't have to see her struggle.  But I'm also glad we have each other and...at the risk of sounding narcissistic...I'm glad she has me.  Those of us who have navigated the waters know that they can be very cold and lonely at times.  I hope I will be able to lessen her burden a bit, simply because I've been there and I remember.

So what would I have said to myself back then, if I could've had a glimpse into this future...if I could've known what I know now?

.....................................................

Dear Melba,

Smile!  Put on your coat of Christmas cheer for the world to see!  Your time will come, you will be a mom!

Right now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and experience this moment.  Relax.  Just breathe.  If you are sad, it's OK.  Feel sad...it will help you to pave the way for all the love that's going to pour forth from your heart the first time you hold your sweet son and kiss his tiny baby cheeks.  You will love him more than you can even possibly imagine right now.  He will color your world in ways you never thought possible.  He will bring joy back to you and multiply it by 1,000.  You have no idea what being a mom will be like.  It's not something you can know before it happens to you.  I will tell you that it's not as easy as you think it is right now.  It is rewarding and beautiful in many ways but it is also challenging and overwhelming in many ways.  You will be a good mom but you will also make a lot of mistakes and you will often wonder if you're doing things right.  You will question yourself more than you think you will and you will worry about that boy, despite your best efforts at putting that aside.  So...be sad and feel the pain as it is needed now, it must serve some purpose for you.  But also try to stay awake and alive to NOW.  Try to remember that for better or worse, every day does count.  Who you are today does matter tomorrow.  Give your husband a hug and tell him how much he means to you.  Tell him how much you cherish the time you have together.  Embrace that and hold it close.  Your baby will change your marriage.  In many ways he will strengthen it but he will also bring new challenges and new expenses that will require some adjustment for both you and Michael.  He will make you stretch and expand, in ways both pleasant and problematic. 

What I really want you to know...to understand...is that you have to be alive NOW.  One day in the not-so-distant future, you will look back on these times and you will wonder why you spent so much of your time feeling sad.  You will never forget how hard infertility and the waiting part of the adoption process were but you will wonder why you let those things encompass so much of your being.  So again I say to you, Melba...smile!  Tuck the sadness away and use it when you need it but don't let it overpower you.  You have to struggle some now so that you will appreciate more later but you have my permission to feel hopeful, alive and happy right now, too!

Sincerely,

Your not-so-distant future self...      

 
            

Visualization Realized

When I took this picture yesterday, I had the thought that this moment was one I had been imagining/dreaming of for years. I remember doing a visualization exercise in a writing course I took back in 2007. I went back and looked at my journal from that class and sure enough, on January 18 of 2007, this is what I found:


Prompt: What is the picture you want, in a future time?

My Response: "I want a picture of my own little boy or girl looking back at me, flirting with the camera. Absent from the photo are toys. There is no complication in this photo, no rain, no darkness, no fear. Adults are also missing from the frame but the child's expression leads me to believe they are on the edges, just out of view."

Before I took this picture, I wasn't thinking about that journal entry at all. Then I snapped the shutter and the visualization came flooding back to me. The realization of such a powerful (once mental) image now magically transformed into my reality literally took my breath away.

How divine!

365 Days Later, Part Three - Today was the Day!

Do you remember THIS news? Today was the day last year when we got THE CALL, as we were sitting at dinner with most of my family, as well as my sister's future in-laws. That day was shocking, surreal, joyful, unbelievable, scary, overwhelming, exciting, everything all rolled into one.

I will never forget how I felt when that call finally came. My hands were shaking and the room was spinning. I'll never forget the shouts of joy as I put the phone to the side and looked at my family (who had, by that time, figured out that something was happening and were staring intently at my end of the table.) I said, "We have a baby boy!" and all I remember is an eruption of excitement as my older sister, Nan literally landed in my lap from her place across the table from me. People seemed to be right up in my face, asking a million questions, though I know that was just my perception because I was overwhelmed.

I was so happy for my little sister, Holly. That was the night of her pinning ceremony for graduating from nursing school. That had been a long road for her too so our family was in full celebration mode. It was hard for me to concentrate on anything but the baby I was about to meet but I did the best I could trying to remain present.

Actually I sobbed off and on through most of the ceremony. People around me kept looking but for once in my life, I just let the tears flow, unchecked, down my cheeks. They started when my older sister gave me the "Mother's Blessing" ring she had been carrying in her purse for...years, while she waited for our baby. I was doing okay up until she slipped that into my hand. I walked out to the lobby and she followed. She hugged me and I just sobbed on her shoulder for several minutes.

Come to think of it, I cried pretty regularly (A LOT) for about the first month of Charlie's life. Thinking of that now, I'm pretty sure those tears were important. They helped me officially close that chapter of loss and grief in my life and move on...opening my heart to the blessings of motherhood.

Wow. That's all I can really say. My eyes fill with tears again now thinking back to that day, when our whole lives changed forever. When we found out about a precious, tiny baby boy who would become our son and who has since filled our home and our hearts with more love than can really be measured.

Cheered

***I have to update this because now I'm feeling even more cheerful after reading the fantastic news over at BB's blog! If you haven't heard, check it out and congratulate the new family!!***

I just got off the phone with our SW and I am feeling so much better now. She wasn't sure if it would make me feel better or worse, so she somewhat hesitantly told me that the last b.mom who looked at our profile took only three albums home, including ours. Our SW said that the b.mom really liked us and thought we both sounded like "so much fun." I wish that would have been enough to make her choose us, but such is life. There seems to (finally!) be activity with our agency again, which makes a huge difference in how I feel overall. I have a small feeling of hope regarding this whole crazy process again and it's a welcome relief.

I'll be honest, I have been feeling a tremendous amount of self-doubt and sadness lately. There has been a shadow hanging over me, primarily regarding my weight, but also the fact that I'm so non-traditional in terms of still being in school at my age. I've been feeling lately that I will never be able to be a mom because I'm not thin like everyone else, even though I know I am absolutely meant to be a mom. It's just that sometimes when I compare myself to other 30-somethings, I feel woefully inadequate and very behind the times. I'm just so ready to have a "normal" job, and to be done with this crazy run-around called college. Normally I am such a confident, self-assured person, but lately I just haven't felt it and that's been bugging me.

I don't know--I'm sure there are still some trying days ahead with all of this, but for the first time in quite a while, I feel like everything really will be okay in the end. At least I can hope!

Check These Out...

...if you haven't heard already, joy is bursting forth from the blogosphere! There are three wonderful announcements that I've seen recently that have just warmed my heart and filled me with hope and happiness for my blogging buddies:

Rebekah over at Heart Cries - She and her husband, Ben have a wonderful, unique match story, and Rebekah's excitement and love for their little boy on the way is truly heartwarming. I'm late in posting this, but if you haven't already been there, please congratulate them!

Nancy at Budintash - She and her husband, Bob are expecting!! Nancy has been "paper pregnant" for a while now, and waiting with the rest of us, so this is rare and exciting news that was a huge surprise to this beautiful little family!

Last but not least, Pattie at Pep's Thoughtful Spot - She and her husband, Brian have been waiting a long, long time (four years!) to become parents...and Pattie always has such a positive outlook. Well, this past week, they got THE CALL! They have a baby boy waiting for them and they will travel to pick him up this coming Tuesday. TALK ABOUT EXCITEMENT!!

I am so very happy for all these families...and I have a very strong sense of hope and optimism because of all this great news. The joy and excitement is contagious, check it out!!

Glimmers of Hope

I've been longing to see our SW's name in my inbox for over two months now, and it finally happened yesterday! I'm not in any way getting my hopes up, because...well, we all know where that can lead. Still, it is nice to know there are birth mothers working with our agency! And you never know when/how the one is going to come along. So...we will be shown early next week. Part of me would like to get excited but I just can't right now...I can't risk getting my hopes up again for what could be just another round of false hope. That said, I feel like any news is good news for me right now. I just needed to hear something, to know that there is still a chance of hope on the way.

Year End Reflections

I'm finding it hard to believe 2009 is right around the corner. We celebrated Michael's 37th birthday alongside Christmas on December 25th and I realized I met him when he was 23 years old. That seems almost impossible, but it's true. We also celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary on December 29th (can you tell December is a busy month for us?) and that was also a great day. We have been through so much together and stayed strong through it all. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, solid, loving husband by my side.

As I reflect back on the year, I am realizing there are many aspects of my life for which I am extremely grateful. Our marriage, our home, our dogs, our family, our jobs--this life we have created, though not yet complete, is truly beautiful. I have long since given up trying to predict when our lives may be touched by the magic of a little one, though I hope that time comes soon. Still, what we do have is precious and treasured. Sometimes it becomes all too easy to focus on what's missing and on the things for which I still so long. It's easy to get bogged down and caught up in what comes next, instead of appreciating what's already right here. So, my goal for now is to be where I am...to appreciate this life exactly as it is and to truly live in the moment. Wish me luck!

Happy New Year, Everyone...I am so thankful for all of you who are with me us on this journey!

Expecting or Waiting?

The message on this morning's church bulletin seemed to have been printed just for me:

That is a powerful question, and one I haven't previously given much thought. Consider these two definitions:

ex·pect·ed, ex·pect·ing, ex·pects –verb

1. To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of: expecting a telephone call; expects rain on Sunday.
2. To consider likely or certain: expect to see them soon.

wait·ing –noun

a. A period of waiting; pause, interval, or delay

Clearly, looking back over this journey I can see that I've had "expecting" days and I've had "waiting" days, mingled with days that fall somewhere between the two. Lately, in particular, I've been waiting. Normally I consider myself an optimistic person, but in recent weeks there simply hasn't been much expectation in my heart. I've been struggling with my feelings, and after reading the bulletin blurb this morning, I decided I'm going to try to change that. I'm going to try to stay in a state of expectation, rather than a state of waiting. The differences seem subtle enough when you consider the language alone, but actually they are quite profound.

Interesting food for thought!

I don't miss it

Today during my observations for my elementary education field experience, I had an opportunity to talk with a woman who is currently undergoing treatments for infertility. It never ceases to amaze me how my life twists and turns, and still seems to align perfectly with the lives of others at times. During this happenstance conversation, I had the distinct and certain feeling that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Of course that knowledge is secure for me on an intellectual level, but it's so easy to forget and to wonder why we're still on this side of the parenting fence when we want so badly to cross over. It's easy to feel frustrated about where I am because sometimes I feel like my whole life is taking way too long to get going. Between school, substitute teaching, and where we are in the adoption process...I am constantly in varying stages of transition during this period in my life. Sometimes that gets really old. It's so weird for me to realize...if my life had gone according to my plans, I wouldn't have been where I was today. I wouldn't have made that valuable connection with another person - and who knows, maybe I was able to offer her some small semblance of peace or hope along her path as well.

The other thing that strikes me so profoundly as I reflect upon the conversation we had, is that I can say with 100% honesty that I do not miss infertility treatments one tiny little bit. Listening to her talk was like re-living an uncomfortable nightmare to which I already knew the unhappy ending. My ending, not hers. I don't feel that way about adoption though--even during my lowest times. I don't feel that same sense of despair and emotional exhaustion that was the constant companion of my journey through infertility. I don't miss the prods, pokes, bruises and pain. I don't miss the "days off for personal reasons," the scheduled sex, or trying to rush to the doctor's office before or after school and work...always cutting my time to the bone. I don't miss any of it...and with that realization I am newly reminded that we have something about which to rejoice right now. I have been so bogged down lately with school and work, and in my spare time feeling sorry for myself that I've forgotten to be happy. We ARE going to have a baby...when the time is right, and that is an awesome thought! That makes me want to jump for joy!

We've had two more opportunities to have our profile shown to potential birth mothers during these last few weeks. I haven't blogged about any of this because I didn't want a repeat of that excitement and disappointment cycle I went through the first time we were shown. Needless to say, neither of the subsequent two potential matches panned out for us, because if they had you can be sure I would have been talking. I'm okay with that though, and I honestly feel detachment was a much healthier way for me to handle having our profile shown. The truth is that we may have to go through that process many more times before our birth mother comes along - only time will tell. I am much more comfortable and secure with where we are now though, each time it does get a tiny bit easier...just like some of you said it would. After today I have a renewed sense of faith that our right time will come too...that we are indeed exactly where we should be; doubts, uncertainty and all.

It's Going Around

I know this video is going around on the blogosphere, but I love this so much that I simply have to re-post it. Thanks to Debbie for helping to get this wonderful and uplifting message out there!



Also check out this article that I linked to from Rebekah's blog. It sounds like this woman has been through a lot trying to bring her daughter home from Russia. The article gives some good insight into where we PAP people are coming from.

Better Luck Next Time...

Human hope is an amazing thing. Sometimes my capacity to have so much hope, even in the face of doubt and uncertainty scares me. That said, I realize hope has been a saving grace at many times in my life too.

The birthmom who was looking at our profile still isn't sure she's going to make an adoption plan, but if she does she has chosen another couple. I am having a hard time right now. I feel mostly sad, but also a little stupid for allowing myself to get so worked up about this. In some ways I wish I wouldn't have known we were being considered - then I wouldn't even know I'm supposed to feel sad right now! I was already imagining so many amazing things relating to THIS baby and THIS birthmom...I had myself completely convinced that this was "the one." Now I just feel like I'm stuck under a huge, gray cloud of sadness and disappointment. WHY did I do this to myself??? Our profile may be shown MANY more times before we are chosen...clearly I can't keep doing this every time a birthmom is considering us, I'll never make it through.

Whatever - I know there is still hope left over in my heart. "This too shall pass," as Ma B (my dad's mom) always used to say. Much like the days of infertility, right after another late period would start...I just have to give myself a little time to process this sadness, then I'll pick up the pieces and get back to the business of hoping for our "right time"--our baby to come soon. What else is there?

******Updated to attempt to answer a couple of questions from the comments:******

I was actually a little surprised when we were asked if we wanted to be shown to this birthmom in the first place. I found myself thinking OF COURSE we want to be shown. If our acceptability checklist matches her wishes ans situation then YES...we want to be shown, wasn't that the whole point to begin with?! I THINK our agency has the basic policy that if they have information to share they share it. I haven't spoken to our CW about any of this in person, only via email so this is all my own speculation. I am torn. I just read on another blog about a mistake that was made by an agency that caused an otherwise acceptable match to fall through. For this reason I think it's nice to be asked in advance if we want to be shown. That way we can be sure the situation is truly one with which we could feel comfortable. At the same time, knowing we were being considered was HARD and I'm not entirely sure I want to go through this up and down cycle every single time until "the one" finally happens. I guess I've always sort of envisioned getting a magical, life-changing call someday and then being lost in the whirlwind of impending motherhood. I never quite expected this much of a roller coaster! I still have a lot of processing to do about all of this. In one respect I can already see that this may have been a touchy situation. The birthmom doesn't sound AT ALL sure she wants to pursue adoption, which means she very well may change her mind when it's all said and done. I'm going to wait a few days and then I may talk to our CW about how all of this happened and whether or not the agency requires us to know about prospective birthmoms, or if there is some kind of choice in the matter for us.

Sweet & Sour

First of all, THANK YOU to all of you for your sweet and thoughtful comments on my last post. I couldn't believe it when I had over 20 comments with only a couple people commenting more than once. :) It's really great to know there are so many other people out there who "get it" and who can relate so well to the ups and downs of this whole process. You guys rock!

Some of the other adoptive parents with our agency have organized an adoption support group for adoptive families in our area. Hubby and I attended a meeting for the first time back in early June and today I went to a second get together. Michael had to work so I went alone, which was admittedly a little awkward at first. Luckily my new friend, Paulina was there and she made me feel very comfortable. She and her husband were in the pool of waiting families when I met them back in June, and today I got to meet their three-month-old baby girl. They were great, and they let me hold precious little M. all afternoon, which was very therapeutic for me. I'm so happy for this new little family!

All totaled there were about 20 people there, all but two of whom had their little ones in tow. On one hand it was really affirming to see so many families that have been formed through adoption, but it's also odd because looking around and seeing all the other people who have already been matched while we're still waiting is a little bittersweet. Having said that, it's comforting to know that they have been chosen through the same process we're going through, and we will too someday. And I also know that we will be matched with the baby that's right for us--that after it happens I will look back and say I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Logically I know that.

This whole journey is just plain hard sometimes. Try as I might, I can't squelch my feelings of intensity related to this birth mom we just found out about. I've told myself time and again to remain calm and not over think the situation. In reality though I've already day dreamed myself into motherhood...I've got my imaginary room decorated and favorite names picked out! What will happen come Friday (or after) is anyone's guess, this I know. The logical part of me knows it could go either way and the emotional part of me...well, yeah...she's in a completely different world at this point. In one respect I want Friday to be here NOW so I can know what's going to happen one way or the other and at the same time, I want to freeze-frame time right now so I don't have to deal with the disappointing news that we weren't chosen this time, if that should be the case. I'm definitely rambling, but I guess I'm feeling a little off kilter today and I'm trying to make it all make sense. What else can I say?



P.S. Thanks also for the comments on my new page layout. I had lots of fun decorating it using Debblie's Instructions, though I did have to enlist the help of my hubby a few times for the HTML coding part. :)

Praying for Peace

I just received an email from our agency letting us know there is a birthmom who will be looking at our profile (as well as several others I'm sure) next Friday, October 3. I know very little about the birthmom, except that she is 18, having a boy and due in December. As far as I know this will be the first time our letter has been shown since becoming active in the pool. Please pray for this birthmom as she prepares to make this huge decision. I am praying that she finds peace and comfort with our agency, and that she is able to make a decision that will put her mind at ease.

I have no idea when or even if we will be updated on this situation, but I'm sure I'll have to blog about it if we are. :) I feel nervously excited, but I also realize there are a number of different potential outcomes with this and I shouldn't be getting my hopes up...

Picking out a new one...

I haven't been able to decide whether to blog about this peculiar little incident or not, but it's finally gotten the better of me.

On Monday night, after a somewhat long and lonely day at home, I was at the grocery store. I was shopping and minding my own business when, out of the blue, a little girl of about three ran up under the handle of my cart and said, "mommy...mommy...mama" as she stood there. Needless to say, I was taken aback. I smiled at her and said, "sweetheart I'm not your mommy, do you know where she is?" About that time her dad came around the corner and (in a jovial tone) asked what she was doing. She said "finding mommy" in her sweet little girl voice and then he said, "or picking out a new one there?" That was it...I laughed and they went on down the aisle while I stood there.

I was smiling on the outside, but also feeling...I don't know...a little sad I guess. After that I kept seeing this little family throughout the store, though we didn't exchange any further words. I saw the mommy the girl had been looking for, and strangely she looked nothing like me. I'm sure I'm reading way too much into this one small happenstance, but maybe it was meant as a small reminder that my time is coming?

Normally this wouldn't have been a big deal, but right now, with where we are in the process, and how I've been feeling lately...it hit home for me in a big way. That little girl has no idea of the impact she left on me...no idea how very much I long to hear a little voice calling me mommy for real. The whole experience was only about two minutes long and yet it's one I doubt I'll ever forget...

Me...with a baby registry?

YEP! We did it, we went to BRU and registered yesterday. I have to be honest, I share many of Rebekah's thoughts on the awkwardness of this experience, but I'm still glad we went. The conversation with the registry clerk was only slightly odd. She was very nice and good at her job, details and all. I felt comforted by the fact that adoption was listed on the paperwork, that was an affirmation of sorts. The weirdest part was when we had to make up an "expected arrival" date because the computer won't accept a TBD date. I chose April '09 out of the blue, and then she had to give us the schpeel about how registering early can mean you'll have to make more updates because products change... The thing is...we're NOT registering early! We're not registering early and we're not registering late, we're just registering since we have no idea WHEN our baby will make his/her grand entrance. They really should have a way to leave the arrival date pending for people like us! I don't want to spend too much time reiterating the thoughts from my previous post, but did I mention I am VERY frustrated by all the unknowns of this waiting process? The only other weird thing was all the VERY pregnant women we were sharing the aisles with. Pregnant women don't bother me anymore, they honestly don't...but it was a little odd to look around and realize I was the only one without a huge bump in front.

All that aside, I DID manage to convince hubby to park in the "expectant mothers" stork parking spot, even though he was reluctant at first. I told him you guys would all be mad at me if I didn't park there since we've sort of made a point of it and all. hehe...so here's a photo that might make you smile, I couldn't resist:


We did pretty good up until the bedding section, which was problematic because there was honestly nothing there that either one of us really loved...plus if I'm being honest, I still sort of have my heart set on a round baby bed, even though husband doesn't get my fascination with them at all. We'll see what happens! I'm sure I'll add to our list off and on, especially once we learn more about who/when our baby will be, but for now we've got the basics on our list, and I feel slightly more like a real expectant mother, if only slightly!

Was that a Stork?

My sister spent the night at our house last night, and this morning she and I were on our way to church when none other than a stork flew up from the rushes on the side of the road and went straight in the direction of our house. We looked at each other and I said, "was that a stork?" We both decided it definitely was a stork, and that it definitely was on a flight path that would take it directly over our house. :) Clearly it would be in my best interest (and I'm trying) to not read too much into this, but that said, the occurrence did make me feel happy. As we continued on down the road, I had to slow the car down to avoid three crows that were lined up in a row. Here is what I read on Yahoo! answers about the significance of seeing three crows:

Crows are associated with the Celtic Goddess Morrigan. She is a Goddess of war, chaos, death and rebirth. She is also a triple Goddess (maiden, mother and crone). The 3 crows would signify that you are coming into a time of major change, whether you are prepared for it or not. There may be some major disruptions involved, but it will all be for the best, you will have a 'rebirth' and new paths on your journey will be opened to you. Go with the flow and all will be well.

Obviously I could get all dramatic about this and read WAY too much into these two events in such close succession, which I have no intention of doing. Still it did make me wonder...is change underfoot? It's no big secret that I've been feeling pretty sad since my close friend Molly and her family moved out of the state a little over a week ago. I have to say, my spirits were brightened at these two portents, even though time will tell what, if anything, they meant. Speaking of Molly, I just spoke to her on the phone for a while, and I talked to her daughters for a couple of minutes too. The youngest, two-year-old Becca, who was and is very dear to me got on the phone. She said hi in her sweet little baby voice, then she giggled and said, "yove you" just as Molly took the phone back. It was absolutely precious and really warmed my heart.

Today...

...I photographed the wedding of my husband's boss. It was a good day, but I am tired to the bone right now. Today is also my 33rd birthday, so it was an eventful day all around. At one of the tables I took a picture of, there was a couple with twin babies. They ware SO adorable, and watching them made me realize I would really love it if we were blessed with twins. I know a lot of people would think this is a crackpot idea, but I actually and honestly would love to have two at once. Of course I will be more than thrilled with the one we are likely to have, and that will be just fine...but there's something about the idea of twins that lights a spark inside me. :) I stopped and talked to the babies, and it made me feel all gooey. I just love babies so much, and I figure since it's my birthday I can wish for whatever I want!!

I have a good feeling about this year ahead. Something about two 3's nestled together seems...charming. At first I wasn't so sure about getting yet another year older while still waiting for so many of my dreams to come true, but then I realized just how many of those dreams have already come true and it dawned on me: I should rejoice about what I DO have instead of wasting my time feeling pensive about the blessings that are yet to come.

So...here's hoping for brighter days and much happiness ahead!

Blessings Abound

For any of you who haven't already heard the fantastic news, check out Yoka's Blog and her sweet posts about her first few days with their beautiful daughter, Lillian. I've been reading Yoka's story for a while now, and I am absolutely thrilled for them!! It's funny how we pre-adoptive, and eventually adoptive parents have an automatic connection sometimes. I feel as though I know Yoka personally, even though I only know her through her words here on the blogosphere. I am truly overjoyed for this new little family!

A little closer to home, we got excellent news today that my niece-to-be is doing just fine. I haven't written about this, partly because it's not about me, (which always makes me wonder exactly how much I can comfortably say,) and partly because I was too afraid. My sister went for an ultrasound last week and called me afterwords with the very scary news that the baby's heartbeat was irregular. She would have to go see a specialist at the local university hospital. I listened to her and tried my best to give what little comfort I could. I cried, I prayed and I asked for prayers on her behalf. I have been absolutely sick with worry this whole week, but I have been trying to think positively. The appointment with the specialist was this morning. You can imagine my relief when I got my sister's voice mail message that all the results were normal. She sounded relieved and I am so very thankful for this turn of events. She's off to a work conference the rest of this week, so I may or may not get to talk to her in person before she gets back. All I can say is WOW...and thank you to any and all of you who said prayers (Tracey) on our behalf.

Splash!

We're officially in the pool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell I'm a little excited?! I turned in our pool entry payment and final paperwork this morning, then I got an email from Elly this afternoon telling us we're official. I've been alternating between tears of joy and laughter all afternoon, with a smidgen of nervous anticipation mixed in there somewhere as well. Anyone who had the {mis}fortune of driving beside or behind me today probably thought I was losing my mind!

I finally feel it's OK to dream a little! For the first time in a long, long time, I genuinely believe what my blog signature says..."mom-to-be!" Not that I didn't believe it before, but somehow before today that statement felt...I don't know, more like I was trying to convince myself than an actual truth I felt. Does that make any sense?

After getting this great news, and making all those exciting calls to friends and family, I had a strong urge to do something symbolic to mark this day. Unfortunately, we just gave the last of our available money to the agency, so I didn't think I would be able to do any shopping. I happened to look through my wallet (for an unrelated purpose) when I found an erstwhile Barnes & Noble gift certificate that my dear, sweet husband gave me earlier this year. This was actually one of his Christmas gifts, but being the big sweetheart he is, he gave it to me as a little rainy day fund. So...off to B&N I went. I got three books, two of which are about adoption, and one of which is about parenting. This is the first book I've purchased about parenting not specifically related to adoption, so it's pretty exciting for me. And here's a nerdy picture to brighten your day:



I was impressed with the selection of adoption related books at the store I visited. Since the last time I was there (about 6 months ago) they've gotten several new adoption books, and they even had a baby book for adoptive families, which is the first I've seen in a retail store. I may even write them a note and express my appreciation for their support of adoption. The adoption community so needs more positive representation in "the real world" so their acknowledgment of the topic put an extra spring in my step. The two books I chose are A Love Like No Other and Keys to Parenting an Adopted Child These both look interesting to me, and should be valuable additions to our growing adoption library.

Today is a GOOD DAY!!!

More Paper...work!

We received the "pool entry packet" from our agency in the mail today. It's nothing too major, just some medical consent forms we have to sigh off on, and information/suggestions on how to talk with future birthparents, etc. The only thing that's kind of annoying me is the fact that our medical consent forms from our doctor will be out of date in August. I'm really wishing we had waited a while to have those completed last year. Hindsight is always 20/20 though, and at the time I had no idea how long all this paperwork, etc. was going to take. It's not that big of a deal...just a doctor's appointment, which should be easier the second time around. I guess I just wish we didn't have to add that to our to-do list quite so soon.

Our adoptive parent summary, which was adapted from our autobiography and written by the agency was also included. It was kind of interesting to read a four-page article (so to speak) about our lives. I would never have been able to break all that information down into such manageable chunks, but they did a lovely job. The last paragraph, regarding references said, "...They have current references that are extremely favorable and recommend Michael and Melanie as parents without question," Then at the end of the summary it said, "Catholic Social Services of [name of county] recommends Michael and Melanie for the adoption of an infant who is in normal health." Reading those two sentences, canned though they may be, made me feel all squishy inside. To think we have come so far in one short year!! From wondering if we would ever be parents to being well on our way in the pursuit of that goal, wow! I am so excited, there really are no words!! Before long we really will be "waiting parents," and, all issues aside, I really can't wait for that day!

In some respects pool entry is even more exciting than finding out you're pregnant because there's so much anticipation and...WORK...leading up to this point. We've been pushing toward "the pool" for a long time and once we are finally in it we can act as though we are pregnant, even though we will be there for an unknown amount of time...how exciting is that?!!! As corny as it sounds, I made a pact with myself a long time ago that I wouldn't walk down the "baby care" aisles in stores unless I truly needed something there. Mostly this was to save my own sanity, but also because I want that place to still feel special when my time comes for regular visitation there. I don't want all the sweetness of baby smells, diapers, toys, and food to be marred by my own disappointments of old, if that makes any sense. Now, at long last, I will have a reason to walk down those rows and rows of sweetness so I can dream about our future little one and what kind of diapers we might use...what toy he or she might like best. These are the small things that, as an adoptive parent, I will never take for granted. I cannot wait for those sweet nothing moments that I have so longed for all these years. Our time is coming and I feel a great sense of anticipation. I feel so many emotions, it's hard to quantify and assign words to my feelings...excitement, joy, fear, anticipation, nervousness, I'm seriously all over the place tonight!!