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Monday, November 3, 2008

I don't miss it

Today during my observations for my elementary education field experience, I had an opportunity to talk with a woman who is currently undergoing treatments for infertility. It never ceases to amaze me how my life twists and turns, and still seems to align perfectly with the lives of others at times. During this happenstance conversation, I had the distinct and certain feeling that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Of course that knowledge is secure for me on an intellectual level, but it's so easy to forget and to wonder why we're still on this side of the parenting fence when we want so badly to cross over. It's easy to feel frustrated about where I am because sometimes I feel like my whole life is taking way too long to get going. Between school, substitute teaching, and where we are in the adoption process...I am constantly in varying stages of transition during this period in my life. Sometimes that gets really old. It's so weird for me to realize...if my life had gone according to my plans, I wouldn't have been where I was today. I wouldn't have made that valuable connection with another person - and who knows, maybe I was able to offer her some small semblance of peace or hope along her path as well.

The other thing that strikes me so profoundly as I reflect upon the conversation we had, is that I can say with 100% honesty that I do not miss infertility treatments one tiny little bit. Listening to her talk was like re-living an uncomfortable nightmare to which I already knew the unhappy ending. My ending, not hers. I don't feel that way about adoption though--even during my lowest times. I don't feel that same sense of despair and emotional exhaustion that was the constant companion of my journey through infertility. I don't miss the prods, pokes, bruises and pain. I don't miss the "days off for personal reasons," the scheduled sex, or trying to rush to the doctor's office before or after school and work...always cutting my time to the bone. I don't miss any of it...and with that realization I am newly reminded that we have something about which to rejoice right now. I have been so bogged down lately with school and work, and in my spare time feeling sorry for myself that I've forgotten to be happy. We ARE going to have a baby...when the time is right, and that is an awesome thought! That makes me want to jump for joy!

We've had two more opportunities to have our profile shown to potential birth mothers during these last few weeks. I haven't blogged about any of this because I didn't want a repeat of that excitement and disappointment cycle I went through the first time we were shown. Needless to say, neither of the subsequent two potential matches panned out for us, because if they had you can be sure I would have been talking. I'm okay with that though, and I honestly feel detachment was a much healthier way for me to handle having our profile shown. The truth is that we may have to go through that process many more times before our birth mother comes along - only time will tell. I am much more comfortable and secure with where we are now though, each time it does get a tiny bit easier...just like some of you said it would. After today I have a renewed sense of faith that our right time will come too...that we are indeed exactly where we should be; doubts, uncertainty and all.

19 comments:

Tracey said...

I too do not miss the ups downs of infertility treatments. It's good all good....God Bless!

Eileen said...

I loved this post. I echo the last part of the last sentence. This is where we were meant to be. For some reason, we had to go through all of that infertility stuff to be where we are...waiting for our babies. I still often wonder why US? But I'm guessing that once we do finally have our baby, we will know the answer.

And I remember those feelings...you said you "feel frustrated about where I am because sometimes I feel like my whole life is taking way too long to get going." I ended up going to nursing school after our 6th and final IVF and thinking the same thing while I was sitting in class or studying. It was tough feeling like I had "failed" at trying to get pregnant and I was back in college AGAIN with people much younger than me. Now, looking back, I think that it was supposed to happen that way.

Stay hopeful;) It's going to happen.

Reggie Boppy said...

I couldn't agree more...I don't miss fertility treatments one bit. It's a wonderful feeling to just feel like you were where you are meant to be. I've been feeling the same way. There is a baby at the end of this journey. I think that we've been shown to 5 or 6 BMs and still haven't been chosen. It no longer bothers me, I am just satisfied that we have the opportunity to be shown. Best of luck :)

Vintage Mommy said...

Hi Melba,
I'm living proof that it really does happen! We adopted our daughter in 2001; the wait wasn't easy but we made it, and so will you!

Debbie B said...

It's so nice to hear that you are at this point with waiting for your baby. It took awhile for me to get over the loss of having a bio child, but once I did it was a great feeling to know that we were on the right path.

You've got a great attitude.

Karen said...

I didn't miss it either! It's such a relief to stop IF treatment when it has become a non-productive energy and money drain. But, what I missed about it while we were waiting was that in IF treatment at least you're physically doing something, whereas with adoption, once you've finished the paperwork there's not as much to do to distract yourself. You're right, your baby is coming so keep hope!

Malloryn said...

I'm with you, I don't miss the treatments either! With each failure, it felt like we were being pulled into more and more of a downward spiral -- emotionally and financially. It was hard to stop as you're constantly wondering if the next time will be IT.

We're only in the early stages of our adoption journey and I know there will be many challenges to come. I hope that one day I will feel the same peace that you do, knowing that you are where you're meant to be. :)

Jessica said...

There was a day back in February when we heard the words "the next step is IVF". And we walked out of that office, back to our car, and my husband said to call an adoption agency.

And before we drove out of that parking lot, a sense of peace and joy washed over me. Finally, the medical treatments were over. We had our answer. This was the path, and we could put our efforts into something that will work.

Everyday since is still difficult, sometimes disappointing, frustrating, and impatient. But the overwhelming sense of calm, peace, joy, and hope that accompanies it (and was void during IF treatments) makes the bad parts seem miniscule.

I didn't realize how miserable I was for 2 years until I realized how happy hope can make me. You're in a beautiful place!

Bri said...

It is funny how things work out! I agree with Jessica in that I didn't even realize how stressed and unhappy I was. It went on so long, that it kinda became ME! I'm glad it isn't ME though! Here's to being hopeful!

alicia said...

great post! I am so glad you are happy with where you are, and you are sooo right YOUR baby will be coming soon, when it is the exact right time!!

hope548 said...

So glad to hear you sounding upbeat and comfortable with the path you are on. I didn't miss treatments one bit either and was always much more comfortable with adoption!

Jill said...

Melba, I cannot express to you how proud of you I am!! I know your journey has not been the best, but He has you right where you are meant to be girl! My prayers are sooooo with you!!
Hugs!! Jill

Shane & Marie said...

Although we did not do IVF, I do not miss the infertility treatments that we did have done.

By the way, Thanks for being my SBP.

Dave Gerhart said...

yeah...I definately don't miss those days. It was murder on both of us.

Jamie said...

These words speak to my hear too ~ there have been many times when I think to myself that I'm SO glad I'm not doing treatment anymore. Yes, there are times when I wish that treatment had worke, but after all that time of it not working or the 2 miscarriages we experienced.....I feel SOOOO glad that that part of our life is all over. :) Doesn't that feel great?! And did you EVER think you would get to this point?? I didn't.....but I have and I'm so grateful! :)
I know the disappointment after being shown and not chosen....we've been shown 5 times and not chosen. One of those we were "first choice" and then after we had a phone coversation with the birthmom..she changed her mind! That was quite a blow to the self-esteem. But....you know the rest of the story. :) And when it finally DOES happen for you....you will know that there's no way those others should have worked out. :)
Thinking of you ~

Becky said...

Amen! I do not miss those days either! I totally agree. Once we laid that burden down and knew to move on to adoption, things were different in that process but, there was so much relief!

Nancy said...

Wow Melba. I could have written this. I know exactly how you feel, both in not missing the infertility treatments AT ALL and in having a sense of detachment during the adoption process. I do think it's healthier. No roller-coasters, and you know that in time, it will have a positive outcome.

Eileen said...

Hey Melba, haven't seen a recent post from you. Just checking to see how everything is going. I'm sure you're super busy...take care!

Terri said...

i was just giving a talk at an adoption conference about the JOYS of quitting infertility treatment and moving toward adoption. i absolutely hated my 3 cycles of IVF, they didn't work, and i swore after #3 i was done. i am grateful everyday that we stopped treatments, it lead to the adoption of our amazing baby daughter. unlike IVF, adoption is 100% guaranteed!!