It's Been a While!

It's been months since my last update so I actually doubt if anyone is even checking this blog much after my lengthy absence.  My last post just happened to coincide with some fairly sudden significant life changes, namely that I was offered a job as a 1st/2nd grade teacher.  This is my first year teaching and I also have another part time mentoring job on the side.  I'm still occasionally doing portraits for friends when I can as well.  All that is to say, I've been extremely busy these past months!  In fact, I still am extremely busy and it's unlikely that I'm going to be jumping back into blogging regularly any time soon.

Still - the holidays are upon us and that always brings out my sentimental side.  I just ordered our family Christmas cards and that made me think of last Christmas when Shutterfly did their big "free photo card" promotion for bloggers.   At that time, I was blogging like mad.  There are no free photo cards this year, but (how wonderful it is to say!) that's OK because greeting cards actually fit into our budget this year.   

Additionally, we are speaking at the adoption agency again tomorrow and that always makes me think of blogging and the many stories I've related to...families I've connected with through this outlet.  Blogging is so powerful and I do miss it.  I think that some part of me will always be a blogger, even if I end up dropping that ball for the time being.  I need to take some time to let things settle in my life and then figure out what parts of my personal life can fit where.  As thrilled as I am to have found a teaching job (they are frighteningly scarce in my state,) it's still been a whirlwind that has left me in survival mode for the past several months.

I am exhausted and overwhelmed but happy and productive too.  I guess that's about the gist of things!  I hope all my fellow bloggers out there are doing well and I wish you all a happy holiday season!  


 
           

   

    

Christmas Joy

I'm pretty sure it doesn't get a whole lot better than this! Festive decorations, amazing family, toddler wonderment, great food, awesome gifts, and Daddy's birthday celebration to top it off. Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

 

 
            

A Letter from Christmas Past

Charlie's second Christmas is only a couple of days away.  Time has flown by so very fast lately, I'm left with the distinct sensation of a spinning frenzy of activity akin to a blizzard.  How is it possible, already, that this is my second Christmas as a mama?  I can still so acutely remember the sadness that came with the holidays for me, through the waiting years...through my time before Charlie.  But that is gone for me now.  Gone but not forgotten.  Never forgotten.  I've been thinking lately about what it all means.  Seeing the Christmas lights sparkle and reflect in our son's beautiful eyes really makes me think about the magic of Christmas.  For me it is and always has been about the children.  That's a big part of the reason why waiting, especially during the holidays, was so very difficult for me.  I wanted a child so badly so that I could see and relive that wonder and joy through his eyes.  Now that we have the child with whom to share the joy of this incredible time of year, I find myself reaching back into the past and remembering what it was like before he came along.  If I could have known then what I know now, what would I have said to myself?  What advice would I have given?  What would I have done differently?

 
I guess part of my reflective state is due to the face that my baby sister is currently in the beginning stages of her own journey through infertility.  I wish it wasn't the case.  I wish pregnancy would come easily for her and that I didn't have to see her struggle.  But I'm also glad we have each other and...at the risk of sounding narcissistic...I'm glad she has me.  Those of us who have navigated the waters know that they can be very cold and lonely at times.  I hope I will be able to lessen her burden a bit, simply because I've been there and I remember.

So what would I have said to myself back then, if I could've had a glimpse into this future...if I could've known what I know now?

.....................................................

Dear Melba,

Smile!  Put on your coat of Christmas cheer for the world to see!  Your time will come, you will be a mom!

Right now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and experience this moment.  Relax.  Just breathe.  If you are sad, it's OK.  Feel sad...it will help you to pave the way for all the love that's going to pour forth from your heart the first time you hold your sweet son and kiss his tiny baby cheeks.  You will love him more than you can even possibly imagine right now.  He will color your world in ways you never thought possible.  He will bring joy back to you and multiply it by 1,000.  You have no idea what being a mom will be like.  It's not something you can know before it happens to you.  I will tell you that it's not as easy as you think it is right now.  It is rewarding and beautiful in many ways but it is also challenging and overwhelming in many ways.  You will be a good mom but you will also make a lot of mistakes and you will often wonder if you're doing things right.  You will question yourself more than you think you will and you will worry about that boy, despite your best efforts at putting that aside.  So...be sad and feel the pain as it is needed now, it must serve some purpose for you.  But also try to stay awake and alive to NOW.  Try to remember that for better or worse, every day does count.  Who you are today does matter tomorrow.  Give your husband a hug and tell him how much he means to you.  Tell him how much you cherish the time you have together.  Embrace that and hold it close.  Your baby will change your marriage.  In many ways he will strengthen it but he will also bring new challenges and new expenses that will require some adjustment for both you and Michael.  He will make you stretch and expand, in ways both pleasant and problematic. 

What I really want you to know...to understand...is that you have to be alive NOW.  One day in the not-so-distant future, you will look back on these times and you will wonder why you spent so much of your time feeling sad.  You will never forget how hard infertility and the waiting part of the adoption process were but you will wonder why you let those things encompass so much of your being.  So again I say to you, Melba...smile!  Tuck the sadness away and use it when you need it but don't let it overpower you.  You have to struggle some now so that you will appreciate more later but you have my permission to feel hopeful, alive and happy right now, too!

Sincerely,

Your not-so-distant future self...      

 
            

1000 Words

You know that old saying about a picture being worth a thousand words?  Well I think it's true around this time of year more than any other.  Gone are the days of old fashioned Christmas cards that were the holders of carefully cut school pictures of the children.  While those were great in their own way, I would always end up keeping the pictures on my fridge for a few months and then covering them up with more current fridge-fluff.  These days, old fashioned holiday cards have been replaced by an even better treasure, a card that IS a picture!  Anyone who knows me, or who has followed this blog for any length of time knows that I love pictures.  I love taking pictures, looking at pictures, giving photo gifts and especially receiving photo cards from friends and family!  In December with the cards begin rolling in, I love the way my hutch looks, all decorated with the beautiful faces of friends and family, shining out from the cards they send. 

In my opinion, Shutterfly is the ultimate holiday greeting card provider.  Not only do they have promos and specials that run throughout the year, they also have great deals for the holidays.  Their user-friendly interface makes selecting and designing the perfect photo card a snap.  With Shutterfly at your fingertips, you can send cards that are worth a thousand words this holiday season!  Check out the one I love most, I can't wait to design this with my own photos and send it out to everyone on my list this year.  The whole process is exciting to me!  Now that we are a family of three, it is so thrilling to be able to send the kind of updates I always love to receive.  Having a beautiful baby boy makes meaningful gift giving that much easier.  I know his family in Scotland will LOVE to receive the photo calendars I plan to create for them this year.  Check out Shutterfly’s great selection along with this really cool promotion, especially for fellow bloggers.

 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Charlie tried his hands at finger painting for the first time yesterday when we made his daddy a life-sized paper baby, good times!




Happy Valentine's Day!

Our Holiday Whirlwind!

Hello again, Blogland! Can you believe 2010 is upon us? I absolutely can't, and truly can't begin to fathom where all the time has gone this year, and in particular these past few weeks.

Happy New Year to all of you, and a belated Merry Christmas too!

It seems a little bittersweet to me to be saying farewell to 2009, since it was such a momentous year for our family. There are so many joyful moments that I will never forget, it's hard for me to believe they are now part of last year! A fellow blogger, Patti put it very well with the following quote:

"It's actually kinda sad to leave 2009 behind ... the year our prayers were answered and we became...the most blessed parents ever!!!!!"

Christmas and the surrounding celebrations and festivities have been a joyful whirlwind around our house and with our family! We've had two big Christmas celebrations, our 13th wedding anniversary, a big New Year's celebration, and somewhere in there, we also celebrated three birthdays including Michael's! Oh, and little Charlie turned eight months old too!



























I've had a great time through and through, don't get me wrong. Charlie's first Christmas has been very special for all of us, but still, I had such good intentions for this much-needed respite from school! Here we are almost at the end of the break and my to-do list still remains glaringly full. I meant to catch up on all your blogs, write more blogs of my own, clean my house, help my parents around their house, cook more dinners, start scrapbooking Charlie's first year, make more baby food, on and on. Instead, it seems every day I've been consumed by getting only the essential items completed with no time left for all the other things I want to do. There are still a few days left, and we all know a lot can happen in a few days but I'm left feeling a little shocked by how very quickly this holiday season has come and gone.

Our first Christmas with our baby boy was full of such joy. Waking up to the sight of our beautiful tree complete with gifts from Santa and stockings stuffed was momentous. Watching Charlie experience so many firsts, including his first Christmas Eve candle light service, his first stuffed stocking, and opening his first gifts was really special for me.






























We just got home from our joint Christmas and New Year's Eve celebration with my family a few hours ago, and it was also full of joy and special memories for me. In order to accommodate everyone's work and travel schedules this year, we had to plan a late celebration. We also made a lot of changes to our normal traditions this year, the biggest of which was our collective decision to have dinner at a restaurant rather than spending a majority of the day cooking and cleaning our typical big meal.

I had a great time tonight, and as usual, there was an abundance of generosity on the part of my family.


Our bunch is beginning to get big to the point that celebrations are joyfully busy and messy. Chaotic is too strong of a word, but it's not entirely off the mark. I love knowing that Michael and I are part of this beautiful, growing group of people. I hope the coming years bring even more joy, laughter, and new faces into our crowd!

Where Charlie is concerned, he's getting so big! He has quite the litter personality these days...starting to play games, gesture, and be very specific about what he likes--or doesn't! The one thing that really gets on his nerves is having his face wiped. He flips a switch the moment he sees the towel coming, and he screams and fights like you're trying to hurt him! But the best part of it is that his outbursts end as quickly as they begin, then he's right back to his fulfillment of the title, "Happiest baby on our block!" He's on the verge of crawling any day now, which is so cool to watch. At the moment, he can scoot backwards about two or three feet, and he gets up on all fours and rocks back and forth pretty regularly.


He clearly wants to go, and one of these days he's going to figure it all out, then it will be watch out, World! He's also (at long last) gotten his first two teeth. They came in on the bottom first, and they definitely change the way his face looks. I know they've been hurting him quite a bit these past few weeks so I'm glad to see some progress being made. He is still babbling all the time, and definitely starting to piece together sounds of words he hears all the time. He still consistently says "Hi" and "DaDa," but other words have yet to emerge, even though I can see him trying to figure it all out when he watches me talk. He is such a happy little baby, so full of joy and wonder at the simplest things in life. We are truly blessed to have such a content little man with whom to spend our time.

In other big news, he spent his first night away from home this past Tuesday. I mentioned earlier in this post that Michael and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. Charlie spent the night at Auntie Holly's house as part of that event.

Not having him here was very strange for both of us, but overall the experience was a good one. To be honest, we both seriously thought about going to pick him up at one point, but we decided it was better to leave him be since that moment occurred at around 1:00 a.m. You'd think we would have slept soundly knowing we didn't have to wake up for him, but (even though we are so thankful to have family members we can trust with our son,) his absence was unsettling to both of us. It's peculiar how you can get used to something so quickly. We spent 12 + years sleeping in this house sans baby, and now that he's here, one night without him was just plain weird.

All in all though, we did have a great time celebrating our anniversary. We went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie, which was quite good. Sometimes I really can't believe we've been married as long as we have. Somehow in my mind I tend to hover around the eight year mark, and then I think about it and realize we've been together much longer. I'd do it all again though, even the ugly parts. I've learned and grown so much as a person, and as a woman in these past years, with Michael by my side. I truly do feel blessed to have such a strong, supportive, and charismatic man as my partner in life. He definitely brightens my days considerably!






Okay...I think I've managed to cram about enough photos and discussion of major events into this one post, so I'll stop for now. I do apologize for falling so behind on so many of your blogs lately. I've been trying to stay abreast of any major events by scanning post titles and doing a lot of skimming, but I honestly haven't had the time I need to read and really stay up-to-date. Hopefully the coming days will afford me some time to get back to the top of my reader list!

Peace and love to you and yours for 2010, here's to another great year!

Festive Firsts

This season is full of festive firsts at our house! December 13 is always a big day for us since it's 12 days before Christmas, and the day we have always decorated our house, including getting our tree and putting up lights. This has been our special family tradition since Michael moved over here from Scotland 13 years ago, a few weeks before we got married. This year the day was even more special though because we included a trip to see Santa at a local general store. This was a different experience from the mall Santa in that it was much more relaxed and simple. We also took our own pictures, as opposed to paying lots of money for them to do it, which was important to me. Charlie was fairly neutral about the whole thing, not overly thrilled and not overwhelmed either.





As for me though, I was giddy just like a little girl. I can hardly believe this is all really happening! When I sat him down on Santa's lap for the first time...a little thrill went through me at the realization that this is our son. I used to dream about becoming a mom, and part of my vision was always the excitement and joy I would feel surrounding the holidays. All I can really say is that reality has been even better than my dreams. Sure it's different because there are obligations and finances with which I am concerned now that were never a part of what I imagined, but the magic is still here and it is very real. I know Charlie is too young to really get it this year, but he is still full of wonder at all the new experiences he's having. I love being the person who is providing those for him...I love being Mommy, soaking up the joy of my son's first Christmas!

Here we are, less than 24 hours away from the first Christmas morning when I will wake up, and for the first time in my life, be immersed in the experiences of the season through the wonderment of another person. Christmas has always been about sharing and family, but this year it's completely different for me to be "Mommy," in addition to wife, daughter, sister, and aunt.

I honestly can't wait...

{a little} Conflicted About Chirstmas

With my entirely too busy semester finally winding down, Christmas is barreling straight towards us - I know it will be here in the blink of an eye. I've been feeling a little conflicted with what to say here on my blog regarding the topic of Christmas this year. Back then I wasn't even really talking about how sad I felt, but last Christmas was hard for me. I was reaching an all-time low, and was feeling more down than I could even admit. I can vividly remember holding my then tiny newborn niece during our family's Christmas celebration, and not being able to contain my tears, though I vehemently tried. Some tears of joy at her beautiful existence, certainly...but also deeply rooted tears of sorrow and anguish at what I didn't yet have at this time last year. I can remember that well-concealed pain, and it was intense.

Flash forward to now, and I'm less than three weeks shy of the best Christmas of my entire life! I am finally at that place where I will begin to be able to relive the magic of the holidays through the eyes of our son. At long last, we have the hoped for, dreamed of, and so very much loved answer to my (and so many of your) prayers.

Thankful, grateful, overjoyed, thrilled - none of those can even come close to what I really feel.

Hallelujah! I want to shout my joy from the mountaintops, I wan to dance and laugh. I want to sing.

But then I remember, and I stop in my tracks. I know some of you who read this are still where I was at this time last year. I know that pain with which so many of you are still struggling every single day, and I cry again. I know the impending holidays carve out the anguish and make your sadness that much more intense, that much more painful. I know like only someone who has been there can know.

And I struggle with how to articulate this. How - or even whether to tell you that I do remember. How to say to you (without saying any of the countless unhelpful things people say) that I haven't forgotten. That I know how it feels to be waiting, longing, hoping, praying, and hurting through yet another Christmas.

Then, I see the amazing reminder of our son when he smiles at me, and that John Mayer song, "Say" flashes into my mind. I realize that I do need to say what I need to say...that I need to rejoice and be happy as I enjoy the countless gifts I have been given this year, I realize that I can really only be where I am, as much as it pains me to realize and remember where some of you still are.

I've been sitting here for several minutes, staring at the screen. I've been trying to figure out how to end this post. I guess what I want all of you to know is that your pain and sorrow is not lost on me. Even when I (inevitably) get carried away with the joy this Christmas brings for my family, the sadness it brings for some of you is still tucked away in the back of my mind. Blogging, and this community of shared experiences is a gift for which I will always be incredibly thankful. The connections here are not something I will ever be able to fully understand, but I do know they are to be treasured.

So here's to you, blogland...and to all you've done and continue to do in my life. For the enrichment you've brought to my mind, my heart, and my spirit. May those of you who are rejoicing alongside me create memories this year that will last your entire life long...and may those of you who are still struggling know that you are not alone. May you be able to stand a little stronger against the storm with the knowledge that your sadness is not forgotten.

Saying what I need to say,

Baby's First Halloween

Halloween has been one of my favorite parts of the holiday/fall season for a long time, but this year was even better with the little one here for the festivities. We went the inexpensive homemade route for his costume, what do you think:

Can you guess what he's dressed up as?

...

...

...

Give up yet?

It's called, "Daddy Dressed Me!"

Well we thought it was funny! As it turned out, Charlie only made it to about three houses before he fell fast asleep on Daddy's shoulder.

That's just as well since we certainly didn't need the extra candy sitting around the house! All in all, the boy's first Halloween was lots of fun. We had my parents, as well as my younger sister and her husband over for chili while we passed out candy to the smattering of neighborhood kids who came down our street. The night was low key, but enjoyable. Hope all of you had a Happy Halloween too!

Year End Reflections

I'm finding it hard to believe 2009 is right around the corner. We celebrated Michael's 37th birthday alongside Christmas on December 25th and I realized I met him when he was 23 years old. That seems almost impossible, but it's true. We also celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary on December 29th (can you tell December is a busy month for us?) and that was also a great day. We have been through so much together and stayed strong through it all. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, solid, loving husband by my side.

As I reflect back on the year, I am realizing there are many aspects of my life for which I am extremely grateful. Our marriage, our home, our dogs, our family, our jobs--this life we have created, though not yet complete, is truly beautiful. I have long since given up trying to predict when our lives may be touched by the magic of a little one, though I hope that time comes soon. Still, what we do have is precious and treasured. Sometimes it becomes all too easy to focus on what's missing and on the things for which I still so long. It's easy to get bogged down and caught up in what comes next, instead of appreciating what's already right here. So, my goal for now is to be where I am...to appreciate this life exactly as it is and to truly live in the moment. Wish me luck!

Happy New Year, Everyone...I am so thankful for all of you who are with me us on this journey!