Mommy My Moon

Tonight as I was tucking Charlie into bed, we sang one of our favorite songs, "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." As I covered him up, I said to him, "Goodnight, Charlie My Star."  In his sweet, sleepy little boy voice he replied, "Goodnight, Mommy My Moon,"  It was one of those precious, fleeting moments of motherhood that I wished I could bottle up and keep forever. 

He is growing and changing so fast these days, and I often find myself reminiscing about days gone by.  I do love now, but sometimes I just miss the simpler times from when he was younger.  Truth be told, we are all working hard right now, and our days are busy and sometimes overwhelming.  I often feel like my time with him is too full of all the things we have to do and not full enough of the things we want to do.

Tonight served as a powerful and precious reminder of how each and every moment we share with our little ones is special.  How each and every moment matters, especially to our children.  And...because I can't help myself, I'll leave you with a recent picture of the little man himself, plus his parents.  :)  See what I mean...he's growing up and changing so fast these days! 

A Little More Love...

So today marked a special milestone for our family.   We had a much-anticipated appointment after work, with our adoption agency!  That's right, we have officially begun the process of adoption for baby #2.  We are excited and actually--not that nervous this time.

It helps sooo much having already been through this process and knowing what to expect along the way.  That, and...I feel happy and content where we are in life right now.  While I absolutely do want to grow our family, and I do want another child, I don't care as much when that happens, or how.  I'm not sure that makes a lot of sense.  All I can really say is that I am much more relaxed this time around than I was last time.  I'm sure there will still be moments when it's hard or frustrating or whatever...but overall, I feel a sense of contentment and peace about the whole thing.

Que Sera, Sera 

Charlie was so cute then we picked him up from daycare.  We asked him if he wanted a baby brother or a baby sister and he said, "brosher."  I high-fived him for that because, deep down, I have a special little place tucked away in the corner of my heart for the notion of a family of BOYS.  Not that I wouldn't completely welcome and adore a baby girl, mind you!  Then walking into the restaurant where we stopped for dinner, I explained that Mommy and Daddy had been to the adoption agency today and that we were going to adopt a baby again.  I said, "But this time, you get to help!"  I asked him again if he wanted to have a brother or a sister and he said, "Ummmm...a sisser!"  Cut to our conversation at the dinner table, where Michael asked him the same question one more time and, after carefully considering for a minute, he said, "I want a brosher AND a sisser!" Now that is a boy truly after my own heart - covering all his bases in such an important matter.  Oh how I love him so.  I know he will make an amazing big brother when the time comes, I can't wait for that!!

  

 

           



   

Birthday Boy

April 28th three years ago was not the best of days for me.  If only I had known then what I know now...well let's just say I would have spent that day rejoicing and being thankful instead of lamenting.  Now, three years later, April 28th stands in my memory as one of the best days of my life.  Though I didn't know it at the time, my life was about to change completely, for the better.  

Looking back now, it's actually hard to remember what things were like for us before he came home.  Happy 3rd birthday to our friendly, funny, feisty, fast, (sometimes) ferocious but always fabulous little man.  Charlie...I could not love you more if I tried!!

 

           



   



  

Talking About Adoption

With a very verbal little man in our midst, it's become more important for me to get adoption on his radar screen. I've always used the word casually around him and tried to pepper our conversations with things like, "The day we adopted you was the best day of our whole lives." We look at his baby book together and he shouts, "doption day!" every time we come to that page but I've been thinking lately that we need more. It seems important to at least begin talking about this aspect of our lives and how we became a family more, now that he's beginning to ask questions and attempting to make some sense of the world. I do want him to lead the conversations and discussions we have as the years unfold; however, I also want him to know that adoption is a safe subject in our household and that he can always ask any questions that come to mind. According to an article I read last week, openly talking about adoption now, while he's young and still forming a framework with which to view the world is one key way to make that happen.

So we've been reading the book, "I Wished for You" by Marianne Richmond a lot, and I try to tell him our (similar though still unique) story in simple terms too.  My good friend and fellow adoptive mama, Debbie has made several books for her little girl including their special story.  I know they have been good conversation starters for Debbie and other members of her family, and I'm thinking I'd like to do the same sometime soon. The thing is, like all parenting, this is all a learning process and I'm figuring it out as we go along.  It's sort of like an added dimension to his normal growth and development.  An added thing I have to consider as he gets older and picks up more of what we say and do.  All I know for sure is that I want our son to just know that he was adopted and that he had a special (though not better or worse) way of joining our family.



 
           

   

  

Three "B" Words

We've been devoting a lot of time and energy to three little words in our house lately, all of which begin with the letter "b." 

Big Boy Bed!

I've posted about this before, here and here regarding the issues with our little man and sleep.  He is an amazing, wonderful, smart, funny, sweet little boy but sleep - or rather independent sleep - has always been somewhat problematic in our household.  He wants to be where we (and the action) are, period.  He sleeps beautifully, with us.  It's been a big challenge for me.  On one hand, I want him to sleep all night in his own room, but on the other hand, I have a lot of trouble with letting him CIO.  I used to be a believer in CIO but then I read (maybe too much?) about attachment issues in adoption and I decided, unequivocally, that I want to do everything I can to help, rather than hinder that process in our lives.  Some part of me still thinks we should just do CIO for two weeks and be done with it but, as I shared in my previous posts, that is excruciating for me.  Our son is a strong willed little person and I have a (very large) soft spot for him!   

In any case, this problem has ebbed and flowed in our lives since we became parents.  He has always slept better when being held and he needed to be swaddled well past the six month mark, in order to get good sleep.  During the latter part of my first semester of student teaching last fall, I basically gave up and started letting him sleep in our bed.  Until that point, I had been trying to get him to sleep in his own room but, inevitably, one of us (usually my dear, sweet husband) would cave in and the little one would end up in our bed at some point during the night, usually on the earlier end.  There came a point when I was simply too tired and I decided it was not an issue I was going to expend my energy on any longer.  I'm a little ashamed to admit that I literally just gave up but it's the truth.  Besides, some parts of the arrangement we had going were nice.  With being so busy, I wasn't spending as much time with the little boy as usual so it was nice to have that extra cuddle time with him.  

Buuuuut then it started affecting our marriage. We were irritable with each other & just not connecting the way we once had.  It came to mind that some of the issues were stemming from our little bedroom invader.  I'm not even talking about the private aspects of marriage here, although that was a factor too.  The hardest part was that our  simple cuddling/together time where we could reconnect with each other as mutual adults who share a partnership and love for an amazing little boy was nonexistent. For a time there, I felt that each of us had a great relationship with our son, but that our relationship with each other was taking a big back seat to our child.  Heck, not even a back seat...more like a dangling from the tail pipe by a thread position.  Not good.  
 
So, that left only one option, do something about it.  After some discussion, and yes, I'll admit it, even some arguing, we agreed that we had to tackle the bedtime issue.  Michael works two jobs so I found that I was often the one trying to fix it all.  Once I finally had the necessary conversation with Michael that we had to tackle the issue together as a team, things got much better. We still have our own unique nuances and ways of dealing with our son but we are a united front & Charlie is responding to that.  I made/am making a big deal about us getting and staying on the same page because that was definitely a factor in letting this issue get out of hand.  To tell the truth, we are just now coming out of that phase, and we're still learning how to get it right.  We are both working hard to make sure our son's bedtime is routine, routine, routine.   So far...it seems to be working, mostly. 

About two weeks ago, we took the side rail off his crib, made a big production of getting him new sheets and a pillow, read stories about bed time (in which I overemphasized kids sleeping in their OWN beds.) Now we start the bedtime process by around 7:30 most nights.  We sit in his rocking chair while we read two stories, (sometimes with a perusal of his baby book thrown in too,) and sing three songs.  He gets in bed & I tuck him in and he...usually...goes to sleep.  Or I should say, he's starting to go to sleep.  We started this new routine two weeks ago and we are just now breaking through to where the rhythm is setting in and we are getting less resistance.  We had some rough nights there where it was taking him, literally, hours to fall asleep.  Then I got a little smarter and started leaving the room.  Sometimes he will try to get up and follow me, at which point I firmly tell him to get back into bed.  I say, "Mommy loves you very much but it's time to go to bed now."  He will ask us why he has to sleep in his own bed & I explicitly tell him, "Because Mommy & Daddy need Mommy & Daddy time; Charlie needs Charlie time."   Sometimes he shakes his head repeatedly as he says, "No not a want to seep in YaYa own bed want to seep in mommy/daddy own bed."  But, on some level, I think he's getting it.   The consistency and repetition is helping. 

I'll be honest and tell you that he still ends up making his way into our room by around 4:00 a.m. most mornings; however, I think the resolution of that will be phase two of this operation.  For now, we're getting some much-needed time for us, he's sleeping better (if not perfectly,) and we are all feeling much happier now that we've resumed our efforts at dealing with the issues head on, together.  It is taking, and will take time.  This will probably be something with which we will struggle for several years.  It is a learning process for all of us, and we are far from perfect.  I think the important thing, which is the thing on which we are actually making headway, is to be able to strike a balance between meeting our son's needs and letting those needs govern our entire lives, even our marriage.  I actually think he feels safer and more secure when there are some firm limits put into place, and when we have some expectations of him that are clearly identified, such as, "Charlie sleeps in his own bed because he's a big boy and big boys sleep in their own beds."  


For now...we are getting there, one day at a time.  I figured I should share some of what we've been doing/dealing with because I know there are others out there who struggle with some of these same issues.  Getting enough, high quality sleep is so important, it affects every aspect of our lives.  And yet, it's one of the things that is changed most profoundly when we become parents.  We all deal with it on some level but when you have a child for whom sleep is problematic, the issues are tenfold.  Here's to many peaceful nights ahead!   

 
           

   

  

 

Negative Connotations

A couple times in the past week-and-a-half or so, I have literally cringed as I've heard the following statements:

"No, no don't eat the brown ones, those are yucky,"

"The green ones need water, if they don't get water they will shrivel up and turn brown like the other ones."

And from "My Many Colored Days"" a beloved children's book by Dr. Seuss:  "Some days, of course, feel sort of brown.  Then I feel slow and low, low down." 

As the mother of a beautiful, brown boy, these things have raised questions for me.  What am I supposed to do when our son starts making connections about the color of his skin and the negative connotations associated with that color?  Frankly, they are everywhere once you start noticing them.  Brown and black both have some very strongly negative associations.  In our daily dealings with our little one, we do (and have always) incorporated as many positive connotations surrounding these colors as we can.  For example, I will say, "Look at that beautiful, brown belly...I'm gonna' give it some kisses!" when I'm changing  his diaper, amongst other things.  But he is at a critical age right now.  He is listening and picking up on everything we (and others) say as he tries to make meaningful connections about our world. 

I don't think he has been harmed by any of these negative statements...yet.  It's a tough realization for me that there will come a time when I won't be able to protect him from the flaws of our society, and from the things other people say.  I've read "My Many Colored Days" hundreds of times over the years but only recently did I give any serious thought to the brown page.

I'm not even really sure where to go with this, it's just one my mind and something I need to think about more.  There are some obvious things we can do, like make sure positive associations are made and reinforced whenever possible, especially within his everyday environments.  Still though, this is one of those things that sort of caught me off guard.  It simply wasn't something I ever had any reason to think about before.  Now it is and I don't quite know what to think...        

Our Birthday Boy

Charlie is two today, I'm in disbelief.  It's hard for me to grasp the fact that two whole years have gone by since the amazing little boy who is our son entered this world.

 
He changed our lives forever, in ways we never could've imagined.  He has brought us so much laughter and happiness in such a short time, there are no words. 
  

 

From those first days when I sat holding him and staring into his soulful, brown eyes to the sweet, funny, adorable little person he has become.  Well quite honestly, the transformation amazes me.    

His personality is endearing.  He says the most adorable things these days and he understands so much.  Yesterday I think I probably got 30 hugs, which is none too many.  For a long time now he's been referring to himself as "Ya Ya" but that has begun to change (intermittently) to "Awie" as in, "Awie do it or Awie did it."  I've been trying to write down as many of his little antics as I can...he certainly is good at cracking us up!  

Here are some of my favorites, jotted down randomly in spare moments as they occurred:

• Dees da eward, dat da doo-dy! {This is Edward, that's Judy} He says this when we're reading Firehouse, one of his all-time favorite books.  It might not seem that funny, until you know that he's pointing to the opposite main characters in the book (Edward for Judy and Judy for Edward,) then looking back at me, grinning from ear-to-ear.    

• One two free hugs fu yoo a ah tis too! {One, two, three hugs for you and a kiss too}  He will say this as he's running across the room to give me a hug.  Totally melts my heart every time!  

• I wa cared or Mommy, I cared!  {I was scared or Mommy, I'm scared}  He says this often these days as he learns and experiences new things.  Loud noises often startle him and he will run over to me saying this. 

• Up, up I waaa howd ju {Up, up - I want to hold you} This is one of my favorites and a part of me wishes he would never stop saying it!  He knows it works on me too because he will often use this when we're sitting at the dinner table and he wants out of his high chair.  Yeah...I'm a sucker!  :)

• Peppa-owni an a pizza {Pepperoni on a pizza}  What can I say...it's pretty much his favorite food.  Speaking of food...

• Pees ockit or pees cany {Piece of chocolate/candy} He says this while pointing to the candy jar on our entertainment center.  Thankfully, he still eats lots of veggies, protein and fruit so I can give in on the occasional treat.

• Doobell! {Doorbell}  He says this while running from person to person pulling up his shirt and showing off his belly button.  I made up a game with him one evening where I pressed his "doorbell" and said "bing bong!"  Apparently it was a hit...

• Ohhhhhh ya!  Said with exuberance any time we show him something new or point out something in the car or when we're out and about. 

• I cooood {I'm cold!}  Usually said amidst tears at diaper tine.  I think he really does get cold but I also think it's a ploy to not have to get his diaper changed.  This one doesn't work so well.   

• Besh ooo, Mommy/Daddy {Bless you, Mommy or Daddy} Always said when we sneeze and often when we cough too.  We've all been pretty sick around here for the past couple of weeks so I've been able to hear it a lot.  Adorable!  

• Hey mom... _____  And fill in the blank with anything.  He can be showing me something, saying hi to me, or asking me to read to him.  It's super cute when he says this, but I'm not 100% thrilled about his switch from "Mommy" to "Mom."  Luckily it's only occasionally for now.  

• Buckle Daddy... _____ {Michael Daddy} and again, you can fill in the blank with anything.  We've tried all kinds of things to get him to stop calling Michael Michael but he is persistent.  Hopefully it's only a phase.  

• Uh-Uh, no sir, Mommy!  He says this when he really doesn't want to cooperate and it's so hard to keep a straight face.  Through process of elimination, we figured out that his daycare provider tells him, "No sir" when she's really serious about disciplining him. 

A few things that are new this week:

• DVTV  This is a combination of DVD and TV, I think.  He received a Curious George DVD from my sister, for Easter and he's been saying this a lot since then.  Speaking of Easter...

• Eesah bunny come you kwuck steekers, ohhh ya!  {The Easter Bunny came to see you and gave you some truck stickers, oh yeah!}  He's been saying this repeatedly since Sunday.  I should send the Easter Bunny a note and tell him that next year, truck stickers would be more than enough to fill up the basket.  Made  his day!  

• Ohh, I yuv et! {Oh I love it!}  Said with exuberance any time he sees/gets something new.  He said it a lot on Sunday as he opened his Easter baskets.  I'm not sure where he picked this one up but I do love it!  

• Whuts inthayre or whut wa dat? {What's in there or what was that?}  Apparently he's starting the questioning phase a little early.  I thought this was more of a three-year-old thing but he says it in context.  We were weeding the garden yesterday and he kept peering into the holes left by my weeder saying, "Whuts inthayre, Mommy?"  I'm not sure I'm ready for this!  Speaking of things I'm not quite ready for... 

• Uh-Uh, dat no yeyyo, dat owege!' {Uh-uh, that's not yellow, that's orange.}  He said this the other night in the bath when we were looking at his Sesame Street bath book.  I said, "Big Bird is yellow" and he shook his head, saying the above statement.  Now it's his new joke to say, "Oweeeege!" any time we ask him what color Big Bird is. 

So, as of today I am the proud mommy of one very amazing little two-year-old.  If he were a weather forecast, it would say, "Sunny overall with a chance of sudden clouds."  His mood changes fast these days and he's learning how to express his anger without throwing his toys or melting into a puddle of tears onto the floor.  He learns tons every single day and sometimes keeping up with him takes all the energy I have.  Still though, I wouldn't trade his hugs, kisses, and sweet giggle for anything in this world!  With that, I shall leave you with some of his cuteness on video as he, "got eet!" when I blew bubbles for him yesterday.  LOVE! 

 
           

   

I'm Supposed to Know

In a couple more weeks, I'll be graduating with my bachelor's in Elementary Education, along with an endorsement in Early Childhood Education.  That part is absolutely thrilling, can't come soon enough!  But that's not the point of this post.  The point of this post is for me to tell you that my (not-quite) two-year-old is giving me a run for my money!  I feel a bit like the auto-mechanic who can't fix her own car or the computer tech who can't fix his own hard drive lately.  Caring for and disciplining young children is what I do.  In some form or another, it's what I've always done.  I know children naturally give their parents more grief than they give others.  I know they test their limits at home more than any other place but wow...I never imagined being the parent of a toddler would be this challenging at times! 

Our son is still the most precious and adorable bundle of joy I've ever laid eyes on but he is going through a n.a.u.g.h.t.y phase right now.  When he was a baby, my younger sister said, "He's got a dimple.  You know toddlers with dimples are always making trouble, right?"  I wasn't expecting her to be correct quite so soon!  His behavior is especially challenging for me because, in his typical all-boy style, he seems to actually enjoy getting into trouble.  For example, he knows he's not supposed to eat crayons and yet every time we give him one, he puts it up to his mouth and grins mischievously.  When I take the crayons away, he laughs.  Given that, it's clear that the best plan of attack would be for me to ignore the unwanted behavior.  That does work some of the time, but then he will intentionally do things he knows I can't ignore, such as standing up in his chair at the dinner table.  The other night he was doing that and when I asked him to, "sit down or get down," he looked at me, grinned, and raised both of his little hands into the air.  OK seriously??  It was all I could do not to burst out laughing but of course I had to maintain my composure.

I've been reading about discipline lately and I have found some techniques (more rules of thumb really) that I'd like to try to implement.  The two that come to mind are, "The three C's - calm, caring and consistent" as well as the "90:10 ratio," which states that interactions with your child should be 90 parts positive and 10 parts negative or better.  The thing is...these articles do not say anything I don't already know.  My experience with theories is that they work wonderfully in a book, with the ideal child in mind.  In practice, however, things are a bit more complicated.  Interactions with real children are often more complex than the books can portray.  It's frustrating to read or know something, then try it out and end up with a different outcome than you expected.

Consistency between caregivers is the other huge factor.  For the most part, Michael and I do pretty well in this department; however, our little smarty has already figured out which parent to ask for which item.  He knows, for example, that Daddy is more likely to turn on the TV than Mommy, or that Mommy is more likely to let him practice flushing the potty than Daddy.  Did I mention he's not even two yet?  He is definitely socially motivated.  He picks up on our moods and our tones of voice quickly, probably even more so than we realize.  He also dislikes being separated or withdrawn from others.  These are things I'm trying to fit into the grand schema of our disciplinary plan for him.  We're still navigating the waters and figuring it all out one day at a time but I'm trying to get it together. 

In writing this post, I've just come up with the idea that I should try to think of myself as a parent in my classroom.  What advice would i give myself if I could be on the outside?  Hmmm...that's going to require more thought on my part but it's an interesting idea.  For now, I think it also bears mentioning that as naughty as he can be, our little one is also still quite sweet.  Every time I cough or sneeze he says, "besh ooo Mommy" and just about melts my heart.  It's all really about balancing between and navigating the (often abrupt) changes in his demeanor.  He's definitely a smart, strong-willed, funny, strong, sweet little boy.  The key is  helping him (which will inadvertently help us) to become the best he can be.  A tall order but I'm trying...


 
           

   

                 

Two Minutes = Trouble!

Sometimes I think we've given our son the wrong middle name.  Sometimes I think his middle name should have been Trouble!  Seriously?  The scene you see to the left is what happened last night, in the two minutes it took me to realize I had forgotten to close the bathroom door on my way to make dinner.  It took some effort on my part to remember to take a deep breath and relax.  All I can say is, thank goodness for plungers! 




Of course, once I got over my initial shock at the boy's toilet paper experimentation, the only natural thing to do was to laugh...and grab the camera, of course!  You can tell by the change in his expression that  Mommy lightened up a bit.  Still, I think we've learned a valuable lesson at our house:  Toilet paper stays off the roll for the foreseeable future!  To his credit, at least he's not scared to flush the toilet.  That is one potty training hurdle we will not have to overcome!

 
           

   

Beautiful Boy!

It's been a long time since I've written an update about our little man, which is exactly what he's become!  Our house is a joyful whirlwind most of the time these days.  He's 22 months old today.  That means he will turn two in exactly two months.  That is crazy to me, where has the time gone??

His is a smart little guy...and funny too!  The other day, we were sitting in the car waiting for M. to come out of work.  C. was about 1/2 way through the apple he was eating when he handed it to me, seeds exposed, and said, "Ewwww Mommy, poop! Yucky!"  Needless to say, he wouldn't eat any more of the apple after that.  lol



One day last week, I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes when it suddenly dawned on me that I was talking to C. at eye level.  Little stinker had emptied out one of his toy baskets and pulled it over to the counter when I wasn't looking.  He wants so badly to be like us and to do everything we do, it's quite endearing and also quite frightening.  He has such a mischievous, playful personality...sometimes it seems that he almost enjoys getting into trouble.  Speaking of, we've started (loosely) using time outs lately and they seem to be working.  We try only to put him in a time out when he is hurting someone or himself or for the worst infractions of him not listening to our requests.  He really hates being excluded from the action & doesn't enjoy being ignored so this method of redirection is effective for him.  One minute can seem like a long time when your little boy is crying as if heartbroken.  Ahem.  Yes, I daresay someone has his parents pretty much where he wants them.

He's very interested in how things work these days.  He loves opening/closing things any time he gets a chance.  Doors, jars, bottles, cabinets, drawers...you name it.  Zippers and buttons fascinate him right now too but they sometimes also frustrate him when he isn't successful.  Speaking of frustration, that happens semi-often too these days, although it's getting better.  We've been working with him to get him to say, "Help Mommy" or, "Help Daddy" when he's frustrated, instead of throwing a fit.  We're getting there but sometimes he forgets, especially when  he's hungry or tired.  


Really, every day with him is something new.  I'm continually amazed at all he learns and all he can do...I absolutely love hearing his little voice as he learns new words and phrases.  I'm not sure where he even picked it up but today it was, "Oh dea!" repeated time and again, followed by peals of laughter.  For some reason, that really struck his funny bone.  We repeated it for him countless times just to hear that contagious laugh of his.  He's getting pretty good at communicating these days.  He regularly speaks in 3-5 word sentences & will usually tell us exactly what he wants.  Today I was playing "tick-tock" with him as I swung him back & forth.  When I stopped he said, "Mo, Mommy.  Mo ick ock!"  I obliged, of course!  He loves to count too and will often count when we go up and down steps or when I'm giving him goldfish.  He can count to ten & usually does so successfully but sometimes it's, "1...2...3...4... 5...6...7...4...5...6...7...8...9...10."  He also knows the names of all his characters in both Thomas the Train & Bob the Builder.  He is often heard running around the house talking about "Weasle Teeen, Pecy, Thomeees, Aewy, Buwt, Deisyy, Bob a Biwdew and so on..."

Earlier this week he learned the word okay but he pronounces it "hoakey."  He will excitedly say, "Mommy, I waaaa wach weasle teeen!" (which comes out sounding like one big run-on word) and before I can even answer it's, "Hoakey Mommy!" over and over.  Pretty much if he wants us to say, "Okay Charlie" to him he's excitedly chanting his version to us.  He also uses okay in the other correct context.  For example, last night as we were lying on the bed he pulled my hair.  Then, ever so gingerly, he leaned over and in the sweetest toddler voice you can imagine said, "Hoakey Mommy?"  Needless to say, I didn't get too mad at him for not being nice to mommy.  :)    

Obviously I could go on and on about this little person.  He is pure joy to me; wrapped up in a sweet, cute, mischievous, sometimes stinky, often sticky, but always lovable bundle of 100% boy!  Every time I have the thought that I couldn't possibly love him more, a new day dawns and I am once again amazed by the depths of my emotions for our precious little man.  

 
           

   

Christmas Joy

I'm pretty sure it doesn't get a whole lot better than this! Festive decorations, amazing family, toddler wonderment, great food, awesome gifts, and Daddy's birthday celebration to top it off. Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

 

 
            

A Letter from Christmas Past

Charlie's second Christmas is only a couple of days away.  Time has flown by so very fast lately, I'm left with the distinct sensation of a spinning frenzy of activity akin to a blizzard.  How is it possible, already, that this is my second Christmas as a mama?  I can still so acutely remember the sadness that came with the holidays for me, through the waiting years...through my time before Charlie.  But that is gone for me now.  Gone but not forgotten.  Never forgotten.  I've been thinking lately about what it all means.  Seeing the Christmas lights sparkle and reflect in our son's beautiful eyes really makes me think about the magic of Christmas.  For me it is and always has been about the children.  That's a big part of the reason why waiting, especially during the holidays, was so very difficult for me.  I wanted a child so badly so that I could see and relive that wonder and joy through his eyes.  Now that we have the child with whom to share the joy of this incredible time of year, I find myself reaching back into the past and remembering what it was like before he came along.  If I could have known then what I know now, what would I have said to myself?  What advice would I have given?  What would I have done differently?

 
I guess part of my reflective state is due to the face that my baby sister is currently in the beginning stages of her own journey through infertility.  I wish it wasn't the case.  I wish pregnancy would come easily for her and that I didn't have to see her struggle.  But I'm also glad we have each other and...at the risk of sounding narcissistic...I'm glad she has me.  Those of us who have navigated the waters know that they can be very cold and lonely at times.  I hope I will be able to lessen her burden a bit, simply because I've been there and I remember.

So what would I have said to myself back then, if I could've had a glimpse into this future...if I could've known what I know now?

.....................................................

Dear Melba,

Smile!  Put on your coat of Christmas cheer for the world to see!  Your time will come, you will be a mom!

Right now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and experience this moment.  Relax.  Just breathe.  If you are sad, it's OK.  Feel sad...it will help you to pave the way for all the love that's going to pour forth from your heart the first time you hold your sweet son and kiss his tiny baby cheeks.  You will love him more than you can even possibly imagine right now.  He will color your world in ways you never thought possible.  He will bring joy back to you and multiply it by 1,000.  You have no idea what being a mom will be like.  It's not something you can know before it happens to you.  I will tell you that it's not as easy as you think it is right now.  It is rewarding and beautiful in many ways but it is also challenging and overwhelming in many ways.  You will be a good mom but you will also make a lot of mistakes and you will often wonder if you're doing things right.  You will question yourself more than you think you will and you will worry about that boy, despite your best efforts at putting that aside.  So...be sad and feel the pain as it is needed now, it must serve some purpose for you.  But also try to stay awake and alive to NOW.  Try to remember that for better or worse, every day does count.  Who you are today does matter tomorrow.  Give your husband a hug and tell him how much he means to you.  Tell him how much you cherish the time you have together.  Embrace that and hold it close.  Your baby will change your marriage.  In many ways he will strengthen it but he will also bring new challenges and new expenses that will require some adjustment for both you and Michael.  He will make you stretch and expand, in ways both pleasant and problematic. 

What I really want you to know...to understand...is that you have to be alive NOW.  One day in the not-so-distant future, you will look back on these times and you will wonder why you spent so much of your time feeling sad.  You will never forget how hard infertility and the waiting part of the adoption process were but you will wonder why you let those things encompass so much of your being.  So again I say to you, Melba...smile!  Tuck the sadness away and use it when you need it but don't let it overpower you.  You have to struggle some now so that you will appreciate more later but you have my permission to feel hopeful, alive and happy right now, too!

Sincerely,

Your not-so-distant future self...      

 
            

Things That Go Bump in the Night...

...or "Why You Should Always Clean Up All Toys After the Toddler Goes to Bed!"

We had a bit of a scare in the middle of the night last night.  Michael tripped on a toy, while holding Charlie, and fell.  I had just fallen asleep and was at the beginning of a dream when I heard my husband screaming (and swearing, though I'll leave that part up to your imagination) along with a lot of loud bumps/bangs and some seriously intense baby crying.  I jumped out of bed and was in the hallway before my brain could even comprehend what was happening.  My heart was racing so fast I could feel it banging in my chest.  When I saw my husband lying there, Charlie standing, in tact, beside him, I wanted to scream too.  His legs were in Charlie's room and his head was in the corner of our hall closet, where the door meets the wall.  I picked Charlie up and checked that he was OK.  Thankfully he was, even though he was still crying a lot.  His little heart was pounding too.  At the same time, I was asking Michael if he was OK and what had happened.  He was responding to me, which I knew was good.  I offered him my hand and tried to pull him up but he said no.  I stood there for a minute or two watching him.  I didn't quite know what to do.  I was really scared that he might have seriously injured (as in broken) his back or neck.  I went and sat down on the toilet so I could try to think calmly and assess the situation.  We were talking the whole time but I'm not sure what exactly was being said.  I finally got Charlie to calm down enough to stop crying and we just sat there, a little shocked.  Michael managed to get up and limp back into our bedroom.  I followed him and asked, again, if he was OK.  He asked me if his foot was bleeding and I looked at it and saw that it was.  He cut the bottom of it pretty badly, though we're still not sure exactly how.  I cleaned and bandaged his foot, making sure that the bleeding had stopped.  He said his elbow, head, neck and back were also hurting.  I asked him a few questions to make sure he was thinking clearly.  His elbow was grazed pretty badly with a red friction burn on it.  There were no other visible injuries so my main concern at that point was whether or not he had a concussion.  We waited a few more minutes and I asked him if he thought we should go to the ER.  He said no, that he just needed some Tylenol and water.  I got those for him and also cleaned up the blood from the floor.  We all tried to lie back down but after that adrenaline rush, none of us could truly relax again for quite some time.  We finally did manage to fall back asleep, though I'm not sure how long it took.

Things seem to be almost back to normal today but Michael is definitely bruised and sore.  He said that when he fell, the only thing he could think of was not falling on top of Charlie.  He basically did a complete turn and landed flat on his back in order to protect the boy.  I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I am that this incident wasn't so much worse.  It certainly could have been, on many levels.  We usually do a reasonable job of picking up all the toys after Charlie goes to bed but once in a while there is a toy here or there.  Hard to imagine that one erstwhile plastic truck can create such distress.  I'm feeling pretty relieved and thankful for my little family today, I just hope Michael feels better soon.

17-Month-Olds Are Sweet...

...or at least ours is.  These are the kind of encounters we have on a regular basis these days.  Now that our lives have changed, I miss my time with the little one more than words can express but the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is certainly holding true for us.  He wants me as much as I want him after we've spent the whole day in separate places. 



It's been a while since I've posted an update about the little man.  He's growing like a weed and we have so much fun these days.  He seems to pick up new words and abilities daily.  His favorite things at the moment are to open and close all sorts of things; doors, bowls with lids, water bottles, bottles with flip caps, you name it.  He still hasn't figured out how to screw tops back onto bottles or open doors that are already closed but he's actively working on it.  I love his little face when he's concentrating.  He squats down, sticks just the tip of his tongue out and his breathing slows.  I've tried, unsuccessfully, to capture this expression on "film" but here's an almost shot:

 

He's so precious, there are absolutely no words for how much I love this little person.  Last night when Daddy got home from work, Charlie was sitting on his lap.  Daddy said, "Charlie, what color is Daddy's shirt?" to which Charlie replied, "ojamonge" We both got a good laugh at his unique pronunciation of the word "orange."  He also says "beeoooou" for blue and he will sometimes say "ed" for red but not always on cue.  Our days right now are absolutely flying by and that's hard.  One part of me can't wait for next April because it means I'll finally be graduating but the other part wants to slam on the brakes because April also means we'll have a little two-year-old in our midst.  Hard to imagine that but I know it will happen fast.  

He's also developing quite the little sense of humor lately.  He's always been a face-maker but now that he's learned he can make people laugh with his antics, they are a regular part of his repertoire.  LOVE!

      

Transitioning

Well, we're on to week two of me being out of the house five days a week now.  It's been eons since my last post but there are good reasons for that, even though tonight is not the night I plan on spending time going into them.  :)  Suffice it to say, we have been busy but (almost entirely) in a happy, productive sort of way.

We had a great family vacation week at the end of August that closed the books on summer for us.  I'm hoping I'll be able to find time to write and/or post pictures about that sometime soon but we'll have to see.

So far, things with the new schedule/routine are going well.  Charlie has cried every morning I've dropped him off at day care so far, which is excruciating for me.  Even though I know he's completely over the sadness before we even get out of the neighborhood, I hate walking out the door when he's upset.  He's also been thrilled to see us when we come to get him each afternoon, which is so very rewarding for the mama in me.  The hours in between seem to have gone very well, from what I can tell.  His caregiver sent some pictures home today and it was really nice to see him smiling and happy.  He's eating and sleeping with no issues while he's there so I'd give the whole arrangement a pretty high rating so far...even though it is still hard for me to be leaving my baby boy every day.

Speaking of me, I haven't figured out what, if anything I plan to write publicly about my student teaching experiences.  I've been writing feverishly in my paper journal but feel a little apprehensive about sharing information out here, where (literally) anyone can access it.  I may change my mind and do a weekly synopsis on my other blog though, I'm just not sure yet.  From the big picture perspective, things are going very well.  I'm really loving the children.  Five and six year-old kids are some of the sweetest there are.  I'm learning a lot and staying extremely busy, to the point that I'm literally collapsing into bed by about 10:00 every night.

Regarding the little one and the drama surrounding sleep that I left hanging from my last post, things have gotten better but the problems are not resolved.  All of your comments were very helpful and very much appreciated so thank you.  I think I've stopped beating myself up and feeling as though I should be able to do better, which has alleviated some of the stress.  I'm just trying to focus on our son and his needs and let those lead the way.  At some point, he will sleep through the night without needing reassurances from us and until then...well, it could certainly be worse!

For the time being, I'm soaking up every single moment I can get with him.  The little man seems to learn something new and get a little bit cuter every single day. 

Three Minutes

How long is this going to take?  How old will our son be before he sleeps through the night comfortably?  I've hesitated in writing this post for a long time because, quite honestly, I don't want or need the judgment of any other moms about this topic.  I'm already stressed enough without hearing the opinions of everyone else on what I should be doing or how I should do things differently.

We've been struggling with sleep, off and on, pretty much from eight (or so) months forward.  As soon as we tried to start getting C. to go to sleep on his own, it became a problem.  It hasn't been a problem throughout every stage and we have had some successful periods with him sleeping through the night for enough nights that I think we've finally broken through.  Then something changes (illness, schedule change, etc.) and the struggle starts again.  I am fully aware that we have played into this problem in some ways.  The simple truth is that neither one of us is good at letting our baby cry.  There are many factors that go into this.  First is the fact that we waited so long for him.  We've already spent enough nights with empty arms and sad hearts.  Listening to our little one cry while we sit in another room, miserable at the sound of his angst, is not something either of us has ever dealt with well.  Couple that with the fact that our little boy, with very few exceptions, is always happy and you can see why it's been a challenge.  When he does get upset, he's dramatic.  He gets huge crocodile tears that melt your heart and make you want to do anything to make them stop.  He knows how to push our buttons well and push them he does.  None of that is to say though, that we haven't done some things "by the book," so to speak.  We've always had a simple bedtime routine and we've tried to stay consistent with things like how long we are willing to let him cry, what we say when we go in to comfort him and so on.  Some might think of us as coddlers but the bottom line for me has always been that I want to parent from an attachment standpoint.  From an adoption perspective, attachment is critical.  From the moment I laid eyes on our tiny baby, I knew that if there was one thing I didn't want to mess up, that was it.  To that end, we have been highly successful; however, C's sleeping habits have been another matter.

None of this is new to me.  I "helped" all of the parents of former children I cared for get their babies to sleep by telling them to let the babies CIO, within reason.  Now I'm wondering if I didn't make things harder for them.  Knowing what I know now about being a mom, I can't help but wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut back then.  I don't think our efforts with C. have been an utter failure.  He does sleep, he just wants someone to be there with him.  Somewhere along the way, my emotional connection to him got the better of my rational reasoning about how to sleep train a baby.  One thing I've learned is that the very act of being the parent of another human being is rather irrational at times.        

All that said, and with all the ups and downs of this whole process, things have gotten much worse in the past week or so.  I think lots of things are going on.  I think C. is entering a new stage of cognitive development in which he is more aware of our interactions and he's testing his limits, testing us to see what happens when...  I also think he may be teething and/or growing, which can both cause disruptions in sleep patterns.  Add to all that the fact that he will be starting daycare in a couple of weeks, (and you all know how I feel about that) which has made me want to work that much harder to get him to sleep peacefully on his own.  Whew!  Well, it's not that hard to see why the whole thing has gone "tits up" to coin a lovely phrase my husband likes to use when things are really a mess.      

So that brings us to tonight.  I am on the verge of tears as I type this right now.  I just let our son cry himself to sleep for 57 minutes.  You read that right, three minutes short of AN HOUR.  Now I'm thinking, "What have I done?"  I'm a horrible mother...he's going to be scarred for life...on and on.  My rational mind knows he will be fine.  It knows that even if my decisions tonight were a big, fat mistake (which they quite possibly were) he will survive.  What was that thing about motherhood being irrational again?  Well...you get the point.  He did cry himself to sleep.  He did eventually give up.  The interminable question though, is should I have let him?  I honestly just couldn't do it anymore tonight.  The past couple of weeks, particularly the past three days or so have been exhausting.  Last night I was up until 1:00 with him and then by 4:45 he was in our bed.  He hasn't been napping well either, sleeping in 20-40 minute spurts.  So on one hand, we have an exhausted baby who is clearly not his typical, happy self, coupled with a mama who just needs a break and on the other hand we have a baby who has to scream for nearly an hour before finally falling asleep.  Do you see why this is so hard for me?  Why it seems that either way I go is wrong?  I don't want to coddle him to the point that he thinks he can manipulate us and that he won't nap at daycare...but I'm also not at all happy with letting him cry for that long.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to do that again, unless I go outside or something.

I guess the decision of where to go from here will have to be based on what happens next.  Will he make it through the night because he cried himself to sleep, or will it not really matter?  Will he wake up happy and refreshed, or will the screaming resume the second he opens his eyes?  After reading this article and post on Ashely's blog the other day, this has been on my mind a lot. In any case, it's neither here nor there.  I did what I thought was best tonight, and now I'm second guessing myself like crazy.  There en lies part of the problem.  I need to make up my mind on how we're gong to handle the current problems we're having, then we need to be firm and consistent until this phase passes.  I know that in my rational mind but well...what was that thing about motherhood being irrational?

My final thoughts on this are that every child is unique, and as such, they each have unique needs.  Child and parent relationships are unique too, which certainly factors into the equation.  I think I used to think, before becoming a mom, that this wasn't that difficult.  That if you did basically the same thing with any kid, sleeping would become a non-issue.  Only now can I see how wrong I was.  How hard this is from the parenting perspective.  Knowing C. as I do, I realize he is an exceptionally people-oriented child.  He is always in tune to people and what they are doing, saying, etc.  He is a social butterfly.  I honestly think, on a primal level, he doesn't want to be alone.  Therefore, I think that for him, sleeping through the night is harder than it might be for some other children.  Perhaps that's just me justifying the situation in which we now find ourselves, I don't know.  The bottom line though, is that I do know my son better than anyone else out there and I know what does and doesn't work for him...for us.  Now I just have to pair that with my knowledge of child development and my prior experiences and we should be able to solve this problem yet.  There...maybe a little positive energy will go a long way.  I certainly hope so because I am pooped!

A Trip to #2 Hippo Way

When Charlie was born, one of the very best gifts we received was a season pass to the Toledo Zoo.  This zoo is amazing...it's apparently one of the top ten zoos in the country.  It's an easy day trip for us since it's not very far from home. 







The pictures you see here are some of my favorite photos from each of the two times we've taken Charlie there so far.  The first time was on a fluke warm day back in November.  He was only about six months old at the time and I can't believe he was ever that small!

The second was just this past weekend.  He had such a blast, running around ALL over the place and exploring the new neighborhood play space they have just for kids.  Great times!