(The Absence of) Sunshine & Roses

Well friends...it's been a long time since I've really written much here. Mostly that's because of how busy I've been but it's also because I tend to get stuck when I'm struggling. It's hard for me to push aside the old adage, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Struggling may be too strong of a word for my state of being lately anyway. I know I'm not really struggling in the sense that some people are. There are many things in my life for which I am extremely grateful.

Still, my bloggy friend, Rachel kind of hit the nail on the head for me in her post (written a while back) called, "Life is Messy." Boy isn't it! And Rachel's point is her post is that we all try to pretend that our lives aren't messy but that in so doing, we neglect to tell our true stories, to show the nitty gritty reality of who we really are. I think she's absolutely right but I also think it's hard to let that messiness show. At least it is for me.

In any case, here's my attempt at telling the truth...at sharing my messiness with others so that maybe {?} they will learn something from my journey here.

So what is the truth...my truth? One place so start is that it's not all glory - I love my child but being a mommy is not all sunshine and roses. There are times when I really question myself as a mom, especially now that our son is a walking, talking toddler. I used to think I knew what I was doing with children...until I had a child! Now I just think parenting is a much harder job than you can ever really prepare yourself for. There are good days and bad days and there are many beautiful moments along the way but being a good mom (what is a good mom, anyway?} is hard work!

And...while being a "good mom" is one of the very most important things I do, it is only one of the things I do. Some days the stress of keeping it all together (even when I'm not keeping it all together) is simply overwhelming. Our house is often a mess, our dogs need more attention than they get, there is a garage full of clutter attached to our house, there are so many red blinking lights on my never-ending to-do list that sometimes the best I can do is to allow myself to take a nap. Now there you go, that's messy...but it is my truth.

Then there's money and our stress surrounding the current lack of it in our lives. This past year, having no more loan money for the completion of my education and no consistent income on my part. Well, it's been hard. There have been several times when I wasn't sure if we would make it through. But we always do make it, largely because my parents have helped us tremendously when it comes to making ends meet. But that's messy! I'm a 35 year old woman who is still in college and still relying on her parents to help meet expenses. As thankful as I am for their unending support, borrowing from them the way we've had to doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel like a heel.

Speaking of that education I mentioned above...it is taking FOR.EVER! I know I only have a few more months to go until I graduate and I know that time will FLY by but I have been at my whits end with this chapter of my life for longer than I can even say. I don't regret making the decision to go back to school and become a teacher, I think that's a good fit for me. But I also didn't imagine it taking this long or being this expensive, this draining for us. We are tough and we are sticking it out but Michael and I have both been pretty extensively stressed this past year and it's largely due to the fact that I'm still in school and I don't contribute enough to our financial house. I am exhausted just thinking about all the hurdles we've had to overcome. It seems there's always something unexpected that crops up and throws a wrench in things. And messy? What about the job market out there? As much as I can't wait to graduate, I'm terrified to be a job hunter in this climate. There simply isn't much out there when it comes to the teaching field in my state, and we're not in a position to consider moving. It's really alarming to consider the what-ifs in case I can't find a job. I really can't even go there at this point.

Lastly (for this post anyway) there is my relentless and exhausting yearning for more. More what, you ask? Well...more children, of course. I know that with the current state of things in our household I really have no business even thinking about adding to our family at this point. I know that in my brain but try telling that to my heart. I've had several stern conversations with her and she just keeps right on with her unreasonable demands. And what is it with human desire? Why do we always want more than we have? A big part of me feels guilty for even longing for another child. For years I prayed and begged God that if he would only give me ONE child, I would be eternally happy. Plus, I know firsthand how hard it is to not have any children and be wanting them. From that position, it is almost unbearable to hear someone say they want another child, to hear someone complaining about that. And yet, here I am wanting more...talking about wanting more. The truth is though, that I can't deny that part of myself. I DO want more. I have always wanted kids (plural) and I want our son to be a brother. Honestly, right now, I'm just not sure where it all fits. My desires pitted against our reality. Unfortunately, reality wins hands down (for now) but that doesn't change how I really feel in my heart of hearts. It doesn't make all the announcements of "seconds" from the families of children who are exactly (or close to) our son's age any easier to read/hear. I'm not bitter in any way, I am very thankful for what we do have; however, there is a part of me that still does (and probably always will) resent the people out there who can just get a whim to have a baby one day and then they are pregnant the following weekend. Not that I'm even wanting pregnancy, don't misunderstand...but I do want to have a bigger family and it is not going to be an easy process by any stretch of the imagination.


 
            

Bad Blogger

Do they make an award for that? Because if so, I need one! Lately I've been really bad at commenting, and even worse at thinking of anything at all to write about.

I guess I'm a little burned out, or a little overwhelmed, or both...I don't know.

Things with Charlie are going well. He seems to be adjusting very well to me being gone a couple of days a week. He's always been Mr. Laid Back Baby, and the trend continues. That, coupled with the fact that we have an amazing caregiver who is doing this primarily because she loves babies has made my transition pretty smooth.

Still, I'd be lying if I told you that I'm not overwhelmed by the demands of being both full-time Mommy (the best job of all!) and full-time student. My brain simply isn't where it used to be, and that's showing up in my lack of organization and lack of ability to focus on what I need to be doing. My hat sincerely goes off to anyone who has walked this road before me. And to all you working moms out there...I never thought the balancing act was easy, but neither did I realize it was this hard, wow! I know that I will get back into the swing of things, and figure out what my new normal needs to be so that I can succeed at both of my jobs, but it's taking more time than I would like.

And speaking of jobs, that's the other thing that's been dragging me down. This is the first semester in a long time that I haven't been working at least part time, and the lack of income is getting to both of us. Any and all "extras" have now been completely eliminated, and we're down to figuring out how we can eat as cheaply as possible. Putting it in perspective, I know we are still extremely fortunate. We have a home, food, clothing, we are FINE. And I have this gift of precious, uninterrupted time with our son that I will cherish once he's older. I know I will look back on these times and be so very thankful that I was able to be with him as much as I am. Still, it's hard to be stretched so thin, and Michael and I are both feeling the squeeze.

I know I'm about to sound a little crazy, but we recently switched Charlie over to the generic version of formula, and it's really bugging me. The top of the En.famil container even says, "Because it's YOUR Baby!" Now if that's not an effective marketing ploy then I don't know what is! I KNOW he is fine, and I KNOW the comparisons are pretty equitable. I even asked the doctor if he would feed this stuff to his kids and he said yes. So what's my problem? Why do I still have this hang-up that we're somehow doing less than we should for our baby because we're not feeding him the name-brand formula? I guess part of the reason I feel this way is because this food is ALL he eats. But then when I look at the difference in price, and I look at our budget...I simply can't justify that extra expense for a name any longer.

The bottom line is hat it is what it is. All of this "stuff" with which I'm struggling simply is what it is. I'm doing what I have to do for our future, and we are going to have to scrimp and save and stretch for the next two years. This is our reality and there's not much I can do to change that. I guess now that we have Charlie, I'm a little afraid of being too negative, or complaining too much, both in real life, and here in blogland. I know things could be so much worse, and I never want to come off as though I'm taking our good fortune for granted. I'm finding, lately, that I've resorted to the old, "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" adage from my childhood. There is some goodness to that way of thinking, but it also means I'm nto really being real, and not really being honest...which is one of the reasons I started blogging in the first place.

So there you have it. That's where I've been lately, and those are the wheels that are turning inside my head. Feel free to begin throwing rotten tomatoes now.

Thank you, Uncle S....

...for taking too much of our money this past year! We had our taxes prepared today and got the fabulous news that we will have almost exactly the amount we need for the next part of our adoption process coming back in the form of a refund!! This is so good and it cuts down considerably on what we have left to save in order to make our dreams of our family come true. I feel so much less stressed now, it's unbelievable. We still have a lot of work to do to get where we're going, and some of what's to come will be an uphill climb...but this is the best news we've had in a while.

*Wow*

Chip in Fundraiser

I just found an online service that allows friends and family to contribute to our adoption fund via paypal. Check out my chip in widget on the left side of the page. I found this on the web site of another adoptive family and I think it's pretty cool...you never know where you might find support when you ask for it and every little bit helps so...

Because I belive in you

It's hard to write a blog entry when you're literally feeling speechless. Still...we received a very generous gift from my cousin, Lauren today, and it feels important to me to capture these moments as they happen.

Today had been just another ordinary day except that there's an ice storm happening. I had just gotten back from Home Depot where I bought a huge bucket of salt for said ice storm when I decided to check the mail. Usually I don't check the mail, I just let Michael do it but today I decided to. I'm so glad I did because what was there really made my day. No, my year.

What I said to my cousin and what I am feeling is that I am so very grateful...there actually are no words that can really convey how I feel right now. Her gift means we can move forward to the next step of the process much sooner than we had anticipated. Even her note at the bottom of the check, so simple yet so sweet has made a huge difference to me.

I am counting my blessings and they are many!

Thoughts...

Well all I can really say is wow. I am so thankful to all the people who took part in the open house and who have contributed their time, energy and financial support to our adoption goals. Sometimes you find support and encouragement where you least expect it. The open house was the Sunday before Thanksgiving, November 18, and we had a great time. All in all there was quite a good response from people at Willow Run schools where my sister teaches and Detroit Edison where my mom formerly worked. And of course, my family was there and was (as always) very supportive.

I feel pretty good now and I think we will be able to start the process of our home study soon. We still have a fair amount of paperwork to complete and some funds to save up but it shouldn't take too much longer. I'll have some time over the holiday break from school that I plan on using to complete paperwork and maybe even start on our adoption photo album.

All of this just has to move along one day at a time and I need to remind myself of that from time to time. It becomes so frustrating for me when I feel that absolutely no progress is being made but then I have to remember that I can't force this process to move any faster than it already is. We can only do what we can do and plug away at it one small step at a time. I am confident that someday we will look back on these times and have absolutely no doubt as to why the journey unfolded as it did.

MSL

Slowly...

...but surely, some progress is being made. I've been working (mostly subconsciously) on this problem of how to raise/earn more money for our adoption fund and it seems the wheels are slowly beginning to turn again.

We finally got my studio lights and backdrop set up in the basement, which means I can further apply my skills as a photographer and maybe make a little extra money (outside the graduation photography thing) on the weekends. I already did one photo shoot for a friend and I'm working on making myself a little flier to hand out in an effort to get some additional business. One portrait session doesn't take a ton of time so it's quite feasible for me to do several photo shoots in one weekend if I can generate that much interest. Digital has made the whole process so much easier and reduced my costs enough that I can do this for a reasonable price. Hopefully it will help.

Another project in the works is the Mary Kay open house my friend Molly (with the help of my sisters) is organizing on our behalf. The official date and all the details are still being sorted out but the general plan is to invite literally everyone we know to a holiday themed open house. Molly is being exceptionally awesome by doing this...she's going to donate all the profits from the open house to our adoption fund. I'm a little nervous about it because I hope it ends up being worth her putting in so much time and effort but I do greatly appreciate her offer to do this for us.

Other than that life is still flying on as usual! I can't believe how quickly this fall is coming and going but I guess that's what happens when you're busy all the time. For now I'm off to do (at least a little) decorating for Halloween.

Peace Out,

Melba

Updates...

...or no updates as the case may be. There's still not much going on in terms of our adoption process. I sort of feel like we've hit a brick wall (pretty much due to finances) and it is very frustrating. I'm trying to keep it in perspective and remember that we're exactly where we're supposed to be even if that's not exactly where we want to be. Easier said than done.

I know we'll get there eventually, it just seems like such a long road sometimes. And as if we needed another thing on our plates...our washing machine broke last night. I knew this mini-disaster was coming because the machine is OLD and has been sporadically doing weird stuff lately but still...!! It's always something.

Other parts of our lives are in full swing though. I started back to school full time last week, 14 credit hours at EMU and it's a lot. Overall so far I'm loving it and feeling really excited about what I'm doing (elementary ed) but it's also a full load and quite an adjustment/balancing act for me.

I guess that's it for now...more to come when there's more to tell!

MSL

Lull

There seems to be a quietness--a lull in our adoption process that is a little unsettling for me. Most of it has to do with money since our biggest objective right now is to save enough money to proceed with the next set of services we need. But there is also the paperwork we're working on. Even though adoption is one of our highest priorities we are both finding it difficult to complete the required paperwork without feeling overwhelmed. My strategy is to plug away at it one tiny piece at a time until I get it done but Michael's seems to be to procrastinate all together. I guess one thing we really need (who doesn't, right?) is more time. In particular more time together. Maybe we'll have to schedule a day off together so we can work on this stuff, who knows? I guess I'm just struggling with the balance of it all. Life is busy and crazy even when there aren't big things like this in the works.

Right at the moment I feel as though I'm standing at the base of a large mountain with no sure idea of when or how I'm going to make it to the top. I guess all of these feelings are normal with such big life changes...?

To top it off I drank WAY too much coffee WAY too late last night and I cannot sleep for the life of me! Even though I know the rest of today is going to be exhausting and at some point in the next 24 hours I'm simply going to crash I cannot get myself to stop processing. Irritating!

Melba

Day 1 is Done

Well classes one and two are now under our belts. Overall they were great! We learned/soaked up a tremendous amount of information in a very short period of time so needless to say I'm still processing a lot of what we heard. The best part of yesterday was the adoptive families (three in all) who came in to talk to us. It was such a tremendous comfort to see and hear them in living color. All of what they had to say about adoption with CSS was positive and they each had unique stories with some wonderful lessons and advice to impart. They weren't perfect people, just average, everyday people who have been where we are. Overall I walked away with a strong sense that this is all going to work, even if that doesn't happen the way we expect it to. That's been such a great feeling and while I do feel a little overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information there is to think about, I mostly feel happy.

Next Saturday we'll head back for classes three and four and then we're done with formal adoptive parenting education. After we complete classes and the mountain of paperwork I talked about in my previous post, all we need to do is save up the money for our pre-placement assessment (home study) and we can keep the ball rolling. Of course updates will be forthcoming...

Melba

Garage Sale

Towards the end of last week I somehow managed to motivate myself enough to clean out our garage, with the intent of participating in our neighborhood-wide garage sale this year. This basically means I've spent most of the past two weekends either in our garage or our driveway working my tail off. Despite the hard work of cleaning out garages, basements, closets, etc. it's always nice when the work is done and you can sit back and admire all the new-found space.

This time around my efforts were for a dual purpose. I decided to apply the garage sale proceeds to our adoption fund, thereby killing two birds with one stone: a cleaner, more organized garage and a little additional cash for our nest. This weekend was the actual garage sale and it went pretty well. While it was a lot of work to clean, organize and price all that stuff, I actually enjoyed sitting out in the yard chatting with people, meeting a few neighbors for the first time, and finding excellent uses for so much of our excess stuff. All totaled after Friday and Saturday I ended up with close to $150.00 that I can take straight to the bank. Not too bad for a few days of work that was begging to be done anyway...good times!

We should probably hear from the people at Catholic Social Services (CSS) this week sometime and then our intake evaluation will be scheduled. I am anxious to find out all the details of the adoption education classes we will take in July, as well as all the other ins and outs of our road toward becoming adoptive parents. I know it will probably be overwhelming when we get all the information but at least then I can feel like I'm being productive and like progress is being made towards our goal. My hope is that I'll feel less anxious overall when I can keep myself busy with adoption-related research and projects.

I guess time will tell...