An Unexpected Opportunity to Share

Tonight our agency held its first panel discussion group about trans-racial adoption. Originally Michael and I were asked to speak on the panel; however, the community response was overwhelming for the agency so they politely asked us to be audience members instead. The email we received said something to the effect of, "The response to our proposed meeting about trans-racial adoption has been very positive with many more people than we anticipated agreeing to be on the panel of speakers. Several adult adoptees have been added to the panel, which will allow less time for adoptive parents to speak."

Honestly when I got that email my reaction was mixed. I was one part relieved because we've been so busy and this was one less thing to add to the list but the other side of me was miffed because, although I am by no means an expert, this is one topic about which I do have a lot of thoughts. Besides--what adoptive parent doesn't want an opportunity to share their story?

So whatever, I let it go. Michael ended up having to work tonight anyway and today was an exceptionally busy day for me at school. I decided I would attend the meeting as an audience member and absorb what new information I could. For some reason I had it in my head that the meeting started at 7:00 but it was actually scheduled for 7:30. It was a good thing I arrived early though because one of the panel members was unable to attend. When I heard that, I ceased the opportunity and volunteered to sit on the panel in her place. As my SW said after the meeting was over, "it was serendipitous."

I'm so glad I got to share our story! I felt like a valuable part of the group of speakers and it was so nice to look out into the crowd and see 20+ families, most of whom were listening intently to see if trans-racial adoption was something they could envision for themselves down the road.

The panel was amazing. There were four members from one family consisting of 11 children, eight of whom were adopted. The parents were there, along with their son and daughter, both of whom were African-American adult adoptees. There was a woman I've met a few times in the past who has adopted three children through our agency, two of whom are African-American, there was an adult adoptee from Columbia, there was a man with whom Michael works who, along with his wife, adopted their now three-year-old bi-racial son when he was a year old, there was me, and there was my good friend and her husband whose daughter is almost two and is of Hindu Indian dissent. Quite an interesting mixture of speakers to be sure.

We were each given a few minutes to introduce ourselves and share a little bit of our story with the audience, which was pretty powerful. After that they opened up the floor for general Q & A. Some of my favorite quotes from the evening were:

• "You know, if we hadn't adopted our children, five or six of them wouldn't have lived."
• "You love who you love, it's not about color."
• A first-graders response to the question, "Why are those white people your parents?" "Because they adopted us! And besides, my dad is pink."
  

Many of the topics addressed tonight were issues I discussed in my recent post about race. The main points I took away from the meeting were things most of us already know but which still serve as good reminders. The bottom line is that while there are intrinsic issues surrounding it, trans-racial adoption is very doable. With the wealth of knowledge and information out there, combined with networking such as this meeting afforded me and others like me, white adoptive parents can and do raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children even when physical and cultural identity are completely different.

I let the meeting tonight feeling really good about what our future holds and about us as the unique and valuable family we are.

Two Days to Go

Charlie's adoption day is coming up on Tuesday! We have been shopping, cleaning and cooking like crazy today! The court house is having an "adoption appreciation" celebration on Tuesday to go along with all the adoptions that will be finalized in our county that day. Press will be there, and it will be a big shindig. I am jittery, but in a good way.

Honestly I can't believe we are here already! I can't believe we've come from where we were this time last year to where we are now...it's amazing! Every day I seem to fall more and more in love with our son. I keep thinking that at some point my love for him will reach capacity, but maybe it just keeps on growing, who knows?

There has been a lot of negativity going around here lately, and to be honest it's been getting me down (see previous post.) But there has also been some good news over which I've been doing a little happy dance! :)

Pool Party

We went to a "pool party" at our agency tonight. Pool party meaning a gathering for all the people who are currently in "the pool" of waiting parents. It was a good time, they showed us the Harvey Karp video, "The Happiest Baby on the Block." For those of you who don' know about this, it is an excellent, "revolutionary" technique for soothing very fussy babies. Karp first wrote a book with the same title and then subsequently made the video we watched tonight. It is a must for any prospective or new parents, especially if you have a "colicky" baby. In the video, Karp points out that the whole notion of colic is actually unfounded, and that most very fussy babies don't show any signs of having anything physically wrong. The video highlights Karp's "five S" technique of triggering the calming reflex in babies and comforting them almost instantly, even when they are uncontrollably fussy. His techniques take some practice and getting used to, but anyone can do them fairly easily. It's all very interesting, and worth checking out!! We got to practice his swaddling approach (the first s) on dolls tonight. It was great fun for me to watch my husband wrap up a baby. He actually did a great job, and confirmed my thoughts that he will be a fantastic daddy when the time comes! I just hope that time is soon, I'm sooo beyond ready!

Cheered

***I have to update this because now I'm feeling even more cheerful after reading the fantastic news over at BB's blog! If you haven't heard, check it out and congratulate the new family!!***

I just got off the phone with our SW and I am feeling so much better now. She wasn't sure if it would make me feel better or worse, so she somewhat hesitantly told me that the last b.mom who looked at our profile took only three albums home, including ours. Our SW said that the b.mom really liked us and thought we both sounded like "so much fun." I wish that would have been enough to make her choose us, but such is life. There seems to (finally!) be activity with our agency again, which makes a huge difference in how I feel overall. I have a small feeling of hope regarding this whole crazy process again and it's a welcome relief.

I'll be honest, I have been feeling a tremendous amount of self-doubt and sadness lately. There has been a shadow hanging over me, primarily regarding my weight, but also the fact that I'm so non-traditional in terms of still being in school at my age. I've been feeling lately that I will never be able to be a mom because I'm not thin like everyone else, even though I know I am absolutely meant to be a mom. It's just that sometimes when I compare myself to other 30-somethings, I feel woefully inadequate and very behind the times. I'm just so ready to have a "normal" job, and to be done with this crazy run-around called college. Normally I am such a confident, self-assured person, but lately I just haven't felt it and that's been bugging me.

I don't know--I'm sure there are still some trying days ahead with all of this, but for the first time in quite a while, I feel like everything really will be okay in the end. At least I can hope!

Glimmers of Hope

I've been longing to see our SW's name in my inbox for over two months now, and it finally happened yesterday! I'm not in any way getting my hopes up, because...well, we all know where that can lead. Still, it is nice to know there are birth mothers working with our agency! And you never know when/how the one is going to come along. So...we will be shown early next week. Part of me would like to get excited but I just can't right now...I can't risk getting my hopes up again for what could be just another round of false hope. That said, I feel like any news is good news for me right now. I just needed to hear something, to know that there is still a chance of hope on the way.

Four Plus One

Today we have been officially waiting in the pool for four months and one day. Today I also found out the two other birth mothers that were on our radar screen have chosen other people. I'd like to say I'm feeling great and confident that the right one will come along, that I'm not sad at all...but that would be a lie. The truth is that I feel stung. I can't help but question what is wrong with us...why haven't we been chosen yet? Should we rewrite our letter...what did we say or not say that is causing us to be passed over? How come some people get chosen after only weeks in the pool while we must wait? Where is our baby Love??

I know this needs to be put into perspective. I know we have only been shown five times, one of which doesn't even really count because she chose the very first person she was shown. I know four months really isn't very long at all in the grand scheme of things. I know our baby will come when he or she is ready and not before. I know this will all unfold when the time is right. I know, I know, I know...and yet I can't seem to shake the feelings of angst I have with all of this.

I'm not doing any justice to my emotions with this post, I'm not qualifying how I really feel at all because I'm not sure I can. When I read the update email from our CW this afternoon I immediately got a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, the feeling of rejection and loss. Much like the feeling I used to get when I would take a pregnancy test after a missed period and it would be negative. Like that but also very much unlike that at the same time. Does this make any sense?

I think part of the problem is that my state of mind is skewed at the moment. I am exhausted beyond belief. I've been serving on a jury in downtown Detroit for the past two weeks and the trial is nowhere near completion. I'm also in the crunch time of a 16-credit hour semester and I'm missing a lot of classes. I'm behind on all my projects, my house is a mess, my car is a mess, I am a mess. I need a break--some time to recoup, but no break is on the horizon. I am well aware my attitude is rotten, and I'm quite certain I need to be quiet now and go use my time wisely, which is exactly what I'm going to do...starting now.

Is it Okay?

Last night at our adoption support group meeting, one of the ladies asked whether it's okay to approach a family they see in public with questions regarding whether or not the children were adopted. Clearly this would most likely happen in families who differ in appearance. Most of the responses were positive--along the lines that it is indeed okay to ask and/or bring up the topic. One mother stated she would much rather have people ask directly than to point and stare, as is sometimes the case. I've been thinking about this a lot and I wonder how I will feel when the time comes for us. I imagine I will be fairly open and willing to talk about our child and his or her adoption story, so long as the safety and comfort of our child is protected. For those of you who are parents, what are your feelings/experiences on this topic? Do you get direct questions, stares, etc.? Have your feelings/opinions changed as your child gets older? What do you do about this aspect of raising adopted children, if anything?

The meeting last night was more organized than the casual meet & greet style of the other meetings I've attended. I liked the opportunity to actually talk and listen to questions and answers; however, I'm also glad there was some mingling time afterwords because that's the aspect of the meetings I value most. What about you guys, do you have IRL adoption friends and/or support groups you attend? Would you attend meetings if your agency held them?

Adoption Language

Lately I've been thinking a lot about adoption language and how language is such a powerful aspect of adoption...indeed a powerful aspect of so much of our lives. During our adoptive parenting classes we learned about PAL, which stands for "Positive Adoption Language." Basically PAL is the art of taking words or sayings that can be hurtful to all members of the adoption community (especially the children, which is the last thing anyone wants) and changing them to express the same concept with more positive wording. Culturally speaking, our society is still fairly ignorant about adoption, which is why many of the negative terms and phrases are still heard frequently today. I thought I'd share two of the most important PAL terms we learned during our classes. These have stuck with me and have even helped me shape the way I think about adoption in general.

• Instead of, "she gave her baby up for adoption" say, "she made an adoption plan for her baby." This is a big one since so many people toss around the "gave up" statement all the time. The terms "gave up," and "placed" imply that there is no decision in the matter, and the fact is that in most adoptions today, birthparents make a painstakingly difficult decision about the care of the child they love very much but cannot parent when they choose adoption.
  
• Instead of, "he is adopted" say, "he was adopted." When you say someone is adopted, that implies that adoption is a condition or ailment for that person rather than the way they joined their family.

I also found this list on the West Virginia social services web site and I thought I'd pass it along.

Say This...	Instead of This...
Birth Parent	Real Parent
Biological Parent	Natural Parent
Birth Child	Own Child
My Child	Adopted Child
Born to Unmarried Parents	Illegitimate
Relinquish Rights	Give Away
Terminate Parental Rights	Take Away
Waiting Child	Available Child
Parent	Adoptive Parent
Child Placed for Adoption	Unwanted Child
Child with Special Health Care Needs	Handicapped Child

Better Luck Next Time...

Human hope is an amazing thing. Sometimes my capacity to have so much hope, even in the face of doubt and uncertainty scares me. That said, I realize hope has been a saving grace at many times in my life too.

The birthmom who was looking at our profile still isn't sure she's going to make an adoption plan, but if she does she has chosen another couple. I am having a hard time right now. I feel mostly sad, but also a little stupid for allowing myself to get so worked up about this. In some ways I wish I wouldn't have known we were being considered - then I wouldn't even know I'm supposed to feel sad right now! I was already imagining so many amazing things relating to THIS baby and THIS birthmom...I had myself completely convinced that this was "the one." Now I just feel like I'm stuck under a huge, gray cloud of sadness and disappointment. WHY did I do this to myself??? Our profile may be shown MANY more times before we are chosen...clearly I can't keep doing this every time a birthmom is considering us, I'll never make it through.

Whatever - I know there is still hope left over in my heart. "This too shall pass," as Ma B (my dad's mom) always used to say. Much like the days of infertility, right after another late period would start...I just have to give myself a little time to process this sadness, then I'll pick up the pieces and get back to the business of hoping for our "right time"--our baby to come soon. What else is there?

******Updated to attempt to answer a couple of questions from the comments:******

I was actually a little surprised when we were asked if we wanted to be shown to this birthmom in the first place. I found myself thinking OF COURSE we want to be shown. If our acceptability checklist matches her wishes ans situation then YES...we want to be shown, wasn't that the whole point to begin with?! I THINK our agency has the basic policy that if they have information to share they share it. I haven't spoken to our CW about any of this in person, only via email so this is all my own speculation. I am torn. I just read on another blog about a mistake that was made by an agency that caused an otherwise acceptable match to fall through. For this reason I think it's nice to be asked in advance if we want to be shown. That way we can be sure the situation is truly one with which we could feel comfortable. At the same time, knowing we were being considered was HARD and I'm not entirely sure I want to go through this up and down cycle every single time until "the one" finally happens. I guess I've always sort of envisioned getting a magical, life-changing call someday and then being lost in the whirlwind of impending motherhood. I never quite expected this much of a roller coaster! I still have a lot of processing to do about all of this. In one respect I can already see that this may have been a touchy situation. The birthmom doesn't sound AT ALL sure she wants to pursue adoption, which means she very well may change her mind when it's all said and done. I'm going to wait a few days and then I may talk to our CW about how all of this happened and whether or not the agency requires us to know about prospective birthmoms, or if there is some kind of choice in the matter for us.

Sweet & Sour

First of all, THANK YOU to all of you for your sweet and thoughtful comments on my last post. I couldn't believe it when I had over 20 comments with only a couple people commenting more than once. :) It's really great to know there are so many other people out there who "get it" and who can relate so well to the ups and downs of this whole process. You guys rock!

Some of the other adoptive parents with our agency have organized an adoption support group for adoptive families in our area. Hubby and I attended a meeting for the first time back in early June and today I went to a second get together. Michael had to work so I went alone, which was admittedly a little awkward at first. Luckily my new friend, Paulina was there and she made me feel very comfortable. She and her husband were in the pool of waiting families when I met them back in June, and today I got to meet their three-month-old baby girl. They were great, and they let me hold precious little M. all afternoon, which was very therapeutic for me. I'm so happy for this new little family!

All totaled there were about 20 people there, all but two of whom had their little ones in tow. On one hand it was really affirming to see so many families that have been formed through adoption, but it's also odd because looking around and seeing all the other people who have already been matched while we're still waiting is a little bittersweet. Having said that, it's comforting to know that they have been chosen through the same process we're going through, and we will too someday. And I also know that we will be matched with the baby that's right for us--that after it happens I will look back and say I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Logically I know that.

This whole journey is just plain hard sometimes. Try as I might, I can't squelch my feelings of intensity related to this birth mom we just found out about. I've told myself time and again to remain calm and not over think the situation. In reality though I've already day dreamed myself into motherhood...I've got my imaginary room decorated and favorite names picked out! What will happen come Friday (or after) is anyone's guess, this I know. The logical part of me knows it could go either way and the emotional part of me...well, yeah...she's in a completely different world at this point. In one respect I want Friday to be here NOW so I can know what's going to happen one way or the other and at the same time, I want to freeze-frame time right now so I don't have to deal with the disappointing news that we weren't chosen this time, if that should be the case. I'm definitely rambling, but I guess I'm feeling a little off kilter today and I'm trying to make it all make sense. What else can I say?



P.S. Thanks also for the comments on my new page layout. I had lots of fun decorating it using Debblie's Instructions, though I did have to enlist the help of my hubby a few times for the HTML coding part. :)

Praying for Peace

I just received an email from our agency letting us know there is a birthmom who will be looking at our profile (as well as several others I'm sure) next Friday, October 3. I know very little about the birthmom, except that she is 18, having a boy and due in December. As far as I know this will be the first time our letter has been shown since becoming active in the pool. Please pray for this birthmom as she prepares to make this huge decision. I am praying that she finds peace and comfort with our agency, and that she is able to make a decision that will put her mind at ease.

I have no idea when or even if we will be updated on this situation, but I'm sure I'll have to blog about it if we are. :) I feel nervously excited, but I also realize there are a number of different potential outcomes with this and I shouldn't be getting my hopes up...

Splash!

We're officially in the pool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell I'm a little excited?! I turned in our pool entry payment and final paperwork this morning, then I got an email from Elly this afternoon telling us we're official. I've been alternating between tears of joy and laughter all afternoon, with a smidgen of nervous anticipation mixed in there somewhere as well. Anyone who had the {mis}fortune of driving beside or behind me today probably thought I was losing my mind!

I finally feel it's OK to dream a little! For the first time in a long, long time, I genuinely believe what my blog signature says..."mom-to-be!" Not that I didn't believe it before, but somehow before today that statement felt...I don't know, more like I was trying to convince myself than an actual truth I felt. Does that make any sense?

After getting this great news, and making all those exciting calls to friends and family, I had a strong urge to do something symbolic to mark this day. Unfortunately, we just gave the last of our available money to the agency, so I didn't think I would be able to do any shopping. I happened to look through my wallet (for an unrelated purpose) when I found an erstwhile Barnes & Noble gift certificate that my dear, sweet husband gave me earlier this year. This was actually one of his Christmas gifts, but being the big sweetheart he is, he gave it to me as a little rainy day fund. So...off to B&N I went. I got three books, two of which are about adoption, and one of which is about parenting. This is the first book I've purchased about parenting not specifically related to adoption, so it's pretty exciting for me. And here's a nerdy picture to brighten your day:



I was impressed with the selection of adoption related books at the store I visited. Since the last time I was there (about 6 months ago) they've gotten several new adoption books, and they even had a baby book for adoptive families, which is the first I've seen in a retail store. I may even write them a note and express my appreciation for their support of adoption. The adoption community so needs more positive representation in "the real world" so their acknowledgment of the topic put an extra spring in my step. The two books I chose are A Love Like No Other and Keys to Parenting an Adopted Child These both look interesting to me, and should be valuable additions to our growing adoption library.

Today is a GOOD DAY!!!

More Paper...work!

We received the "pool entry packet" from our agency in the mail today. It's nothing too major, just some medical consent forms we have to sigh off on, and information/suggestions on how to talk with future birthparents, etc. The only thing that's kind of annoying me is the fact that our medical consent forms from our doctor will be out of date in August. I'm really wishing we had waited a while to have those completed last year. Hindsight is always 20/20 though, and at the time I had no idea how long all this paperwork, etc. was going to take. It's not that big of a deal...just a doctor's appointment, which should be easier the second time around. I guess I just wish we didn't have to add that to our to-do list quite so soon.

Our adoptive parent summary, which was adapted from our autobiography and written by the agency was also included. It was kind of interesting to read a four-page article (so to speak) about our lives. I would never have been able to break all that information down into such manageable chunks, but they did a lovely job. The last paragraph, regarding references said, "...They have current references that are extremely favorable and recommend Michael and Melanie as parents without question," Then at the end of the summary it said, "Catholic Social Services of [name of county] recommends Michael and Melanie for the adoption of an infant who is in normal health." Reading those two sentences, canned though they may be, made me feel all squishy inside. To think we have come so far in one short year!! From wondering if we would ever be parents to being well on our way in the pursuit of that goal, wow! I am so excited, there really are no words!! Before long we really will be "waiting parents," and, all issues aside, I really can't wait for that day!

In some respects pool entry is even more exciting than finding out you're pregnant because there's so much anticipation and...WORK...leading up to this point. We've been pushing toward "the pool" for a long time and once we are finally in it we can act as though we are pregnant, even though we will be there for an unknown amount of time...how exciting is that?!!! As corny as it sounds, I made a pact with myself a long time ago that I wouldn't walk down the "baby care" aisles in stores unless I truly needed something there. Mostly this was to save my own sanity, but also because I want that place to still feel special when my time comes for regular visitation there. I don't want all the sweetness of baby smells, diapers, toys, and food to be marred by my own disappointments of old, if that makes any sense. Now, at long last, I will have a reason to walk down those rows and rows of sweetness so I can dream about our future little one and what kind of diapers we might use...what toy he or she might like best. These are the small things that, as an adoptive parent, I will never take for granted. I cannot wait for those sweet nothing moments that I have so longed for all these years. Our time is coming and I feel a great sense of anticipation. I feel so many emotions, it's hard to quantify and assign words to my feelings...excitement, joy, fear, anticipation, nervousness, I'm seriously all over the place tonight!!

Yay!!

I just got a message from Elly re: the album issue we have. {bless her heart, she's working on a holiday weekend!} She said it will be fine for us to go ahead and enter the pool with just the one album and then we can give her the corrected one when it comes in. I am really happy about this - what a relief to know we won't be as far off track as I originally thought. I know a few weeks seems inconsequential in the grand scheme of things...but when you're waiting to start a family, every second counts.

I think that's part of what's been bugging me so much lately. Sometimes I get the feeling, watching all the other happy families, that my life is just passing me by. Not that I'm not happy, but I am definitely lacking a sense of fulfillment. I know we're still young and we've got plenty of time, yada...yada...yada, but I just long to be like all the other 30-somethings I know, raising my family and watching the next generation grow. Oh how I long for that! And it's not that I expect a baby to complete me...I know that is no task for a little person...but I'm getting to the age where I want to be able to give back something significant. I was blessed with wonderful parents and a great childhood. I want to be able to give the same to my children and support the future generation the way my parents did. I'm just READY to be a mom! I'm ready to experience youth and innocence again through the eyes of my children. I've felt ready for a long, long time now, but the older I get the more I just don't want to wait anymore. Maybe the impending birthday (I turn 33 in August) and the realization that yet another year has come and gone is what's making me feel so tired of the wait. I know it will all make sense someday, I really do know that...I just hope that day isn't too far away!

My Own Personal Flood

No...I'm not in Iowa and {luckily} our basement isn't flooding right now, despite the large amount of rain we've had recently. For those two things I am grateful. But for some reason I can't shake the overall feeling of sadness I've had hanging over me these past several days.

I've been thinking a lot about life and death and the inevitability of it all. I think what first set me off is the realization that our puppy--our fur baby, Ditto is aging. She's eight now, going on nine...and she's starting to show her years. This little dog has been my baby. Simply put, I cannot imagine my life without her...and yet I know those days will come. When you get a pet, you pretty much know that (barring some freak accident) you will outlive that pet. But that realization doesn't actually hit home until you start to see the age in your beloved pet's eyes. Ditto is fine, really...she should still have several good years with us, but I guess I am hypersensitive to her changes because of how much I've loved her all these years. Without her I really feel like my heart would have shriveled up into a bitter, twisted little ball by now. Clearly I'm being overly dramatic but I just feel...so very sad right now.

The other factor is the silence in my house these days. Normally during the school year I care for my niece and another little girl here in my home three days a week. Both of their mothers work in the schools and now that school is out, my services are no longer needed. This is new for me this summer. In the past I had another little girl whose family wasn't affiliated with the schools so I cared for her all year. Plus my own school is out, except for one math class, so I'm not nearly as busy with my own activities as I have been for the past several months. I still see the kids in question, I am lucky in that regard, but it's just not the same. There is something different about having them here with me and having them all to myself than there is about seeing them for a few hours from time to time. I can't explain it any better than that. A lot of people who are infertile try to stay away from kids and keep any reminders of them at bay, but my coping strategy has been the exact opposite. For me, the more kids I can be around, the less preoccupied I am with my own lack of children, hence the happier I feel.

On top of all this...my dear friend (the mother of the other little girl I care for) and her family are moving away at the end of this summer. I am happy for them, because this change is one they've been longing for, but I'm so very sad they are leaving. I am going to miss them more than mere words can describe. It's not like we won't still be friends, but things are always different from a distance, they just are. All through my childhood my family was the one who moved away. I've lived in Michigan now for 15 years, and I guess that's a long time...now I'm the one being left behind. This is all foreign to me. Another close friend moved away a year ago and now this one, plus there have been several other people (just not quite as close) who have moved away over the past couple of years. I guess it's the changes I don't like. Change is inevitable but hard. I'm struggling with this and it is adding to my sadness.

Then there's adoption. Mostly I feel happy, but in an odd way I also feel sad. Our agency sent out an email this week (an email!!!) about a little baby who was deprived of oxygen for several minutes right after birth. The hospital used cold pack therapy to try and minimize any damage to her brain, but of course the extent of that will not be known until she begins to develop more. Well...because of the medical intervention...the family who was going to adopt this little one decided to back out. I guess there was some conflict with their own religious views and the medical treatment the baby received. SO...cut to the email I received...this sweet baby will need a new home. Her case will probably be handled as a "safe delivery," which is a law in Michigan (maybe in other states too?) that allows any birth parent to relinquish their newborn to any hospital, church, police officer, or fire station within 72 hours after birth, no questions asked. So after being gone all day long Monday, I got home and found THAT waiting in my inbox. Our adoption specialist is out of town right now and the birth parent specialist is doing both jobs. I'm not sure WHY this kind of information was sent out in email form, and I'm especially not sure why we received it since WE'RE NOT EVEN OFFICIALLY IN THE POOL YET. My heart aches for that little baby. We would open our home to her in a heartbeat (as I'm sure MANY other people waiting to adopt would) but we can't yet because of a few small formalities. And meanwhile this baby is in the hospital with no one holding her as I am here, heartbroken because I have no sweet baby to hold. SOMETIMES THE IRONIES OF LIFE ARE JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH FOR ME!!! I love our agency and I have no other complaints about them, but how could they send such delicate/sensitive information via email?? Why did they do that?? I know the caseworker must have been overwhelmed and was probably doing the best she could...but seriously...she sent that above information out to a group of people who are all aching to become parents. HOW INSENSITIVE IS THAT?!!!

At times like this I have to take a deep breath and remember that I am where I am supposed to be and that things happen for a reason. I know it will all make sense someday when I look into the face of the child we have waited all these years to parent. Intellectually I know that, but emotionally I feel drained and pretty much like I don't know if I can wait one more day to become a mother. And yet I have no choice, so here I sit and here I am, waiting and nearly about to drown myself in sorrow. Normally I try to be positive and happy, but I just don't have it in me right now.

Beginnings

I was reading back over my first post here on this blog just now and it made me realize...we've actually come a long way since then. My hair's grown out quite a bit too! It's pretty cool to be able to look back over our journey to this point and realize where we were a little less than a year ago.

The decision to pursue adoption has been freeing for me in so many ways. I was just explaining to a friend the other day what some of my worst infertility treatments were like. The mere memory was enough to exhaust me! I am SO GLAD...and SO THANKFUL that those days are behind us now. I know that when we do finally get the chance to become parents we are going to understand what all the waiting has been about.

I've been reading so many blogs lately and the personal stories and connections with other people who have walked or are walking this road is truly invaluable. As I read, and think, and then write my own story, I realize I am exactly where I should be. Even though the road has been long, winding, and sometimes full of angst and pain...even though I absolutely do not understand why the goal of parenthood is so easy for some and so difficult for others...I have been able to find so much value in connecting with fellow adopters. Speaking of this...Michael and I are heading to a BBQ picnic later this afternoon. Some former adoptive parents from our agency have recently started up a support group, and we're so close to being in the pool that we've decided to check it out. I'm somewhat nervous, but I also think it will be good for us to go. Hey...if nothing else we'll get to enjoy hamburgers, etc. together on a warm summer afternoon...I can't complain!

This was not meant to be such a long entry, gees! I woke up again to let the dogs out and have gotten a little side tracked. This time, at least, I AM tired...so I'm off to dreamland once again. I'll post updates of how our BBQ goes!

Tuesday at 4:00

Yay!! We get to meet with our adoption specialist, Elly tomorrow at 4:00 so she can go over our letter and our album with us. If all is OK then we will be doing the final printing this week and we should be in the pool by next week sometime!! I'm SO excited.

We even looked at baby furniture at Sears yesterday, and it was fun to dream a little. I liked what we saw there, but I'm really fascinated by the round baby beds I found online. This is a whole different concept for cribs and I think I like it. Good times.

Words for Her

Well, as many of you know, I've been working diligently on our "Dear Birthparent" letter. This is (in my opinion) on of the greatest challenges of domestic infant adoption. What do you say to the {future} woman who is going to give you the greatest gift you've ever received? It's like a resume for your soul...how do you put THAT on paper?! But...after several attempts and some re-wording here and there I've got at least the basic plan for what I want to say. I'm still going to work on this a little and 'pretty it up' so to speak, but this is the gist of our letter. To any of you who have done this before, I would LOVE some genuine and honest feedback, both on what you think works well and what you think I can do better. I have read so many tips from different sources, but in the end I jut took a stab in the dark and wrote from my heart. I really want honest, constructive, and critical opinions because (of course!!) I want this letter to be the best it can possibly be. THANK YOU to everyone out there who is reading along with me and sending the wonderful advice, support and comments...you are all a Godsend to me!!

And without further ado...the letter of a lifetime:

Hello!

We are Michael and Melanie and we are grateful to you for reading our letter. We know considering adoption for your baby must be very difficult for you and we are thankful for the courage and strength you are putting forth as you make the best possible plan for your baby and his or her future. We want you to know we respect you and your decision to make an adoption plan for your child, and we will do everything we can to put your mind at ease if you should choose us to be adoptive parents for your baby.

Our Story:

We have wanted to be parents for as long as we can both remember. Now that we have chosen adoption as our method for creating the family we have so longed for, we are very excited; we can’t wait to become parents!! We are eager to experience all the joys of watching little ones grow up into strong, happy, healthy, and confident adults. We believe in honesty, respect, loyalty, kindness, and strong family ties. These are all values we hope to instill in the child we adopt. We believe children are a blessing and we think they should be nurtured and loved, with strong role models and positive reinforcement as they learn and grow. We want the child we adopt to know who they are as a whole person, and we plan on sharing their own, unique adoption story with them from the get go. We will be open and honest with our future child about his or her adoption story from the very beginning. We are excited about the rewards of open adoption and we want to work with you to make an adoption arrangement that will put your mind at ease about the safety and care of your baby. We know that not all aspects of parenting will be easy, but we are confident we will be excellent parents. We plan to always be open and honest with the child we adopt, with you, and with each other so that the child’s need’s can come first.

We have been married since 1996 and we have a strong, loving relationship. We are best friends first and we work together to take care of the day-to-day occurrences in life, as well as the bigger life-changing events. We are a fun loving couple with zest and exuberance for life. We enjoy spending quiet evenings at home together, as well as being out and about, experiencing all life has to offer. We have two dogs, Ditto and Dinah whom we love very much. We consider them members of our family and they are an important part of our daily lives. Michael and I have many different interests and we tend to complement each other very well. Even though we sometimes approach situations differently, we work very well together and we end up with the best of both worlds. We support each other through thick and thin. Though we are blessed with a wonderful marriage, a comforting home and excellent relationships with our friends and family, we were extremely saddened when we found out getting pregnant was not going to be easy for us. We’ve been through many years of infertility treatments and hoping for that special little miracle to happen in our lives. Even though infertility has been very difficult for us, we have remained strong together.


A Little More About Melanie:

I am a creative, caring person and I love babies, children, and dogs. I’m a photographer and a gardener. I often spend time outside, either in my garden or taking nature photographs. I’m currently in school for elementary education and I’m excited about becoming a teacher and continuing to have the kind of flexible schedule that will work very well with a young family. From a very early age I have loved kids and babies. I’ve always thought of myself as a mom first and foremost, and I can’t wait until that dream becomes reality. I’m very close to my family, and my two sisters are my best friends. I also have a strong bond with both my nephew, Nick and my niece, Ava. I’ve been lucky to develop very strong connections with each of them from the time they were babies. They bring me a lot of joy. I currently divide my time between school, substitute teaching, and caring for my niece, and another baby girl, Rebecca. I am a very happy, positive, and outgoing person. I cherish the relationships in my life more than anything.

A Little More About Michael:

I am a very technical guy and I love computers and science fiction. I am fun-loving and humorous, always trying to find ways to make people laugh. I work as a “Software Librarian” in the electronic banking industry. At work I am known for making co-workers laugh and for bringing a great sense of humor to my office. I am pretty skilled with computers and it makes me happy that I can help people when they have technical problems or computer issues. I also love watching movies and I am an avid reader, with a special love of graphic novels. Amongst our family and friends, I’m sort of like the “class clown,” always making jokes and keeping people entertained with my stories and interesting ideas. Melanie says I am often the life of the party, with weird and wacky information that I find in all sorts of bizarre places. When I’m around I like to make sure people are amused or laughing. Though I do have a knack for humor, Melanie also says I am a very comforting presence for her. She likes that she can rely on me through the good times and bad, and she says I make her feel safe.

After a lot of soul searching, Michael and I have decided what we want most is to have a family and experience all the joys and wonders of parenting side by side. We have many hopes and dreams for our future and we look forward to sharing our lives with the little boy or girl we will be blessed with. We are excited about days to come when we can nurture and support our future little ones as they grow into happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults. We want to help our future children be strong and successful. We want the child we adopt to have an ongoing relationship with you and your family as he or she grows. If you decide we are the right adoptive parents for your baby, we will welcome you, as well as your baby into our home and our hearts forever.

With all our love,

Michael and Melanie

It Made Me Cry

Today we worked on our "acceptability checklist" for the adoption paperwork. We've both been putting this part off, but we had today off and it was time. This is the list of doom. Basically there is a line for just about every birth defect, disorder, abnormality, or problem you can think of. There is a section for the unborn babies in question, as well as one for the birth parents and family. Next to each line we have to check "yes," "no," or, "consult." I know it's important for us to seriously consider what we can and can't handle as parents, but how can you really know that for sure?

If I were pregnant--and believe me I've thought about what that would be like--we would never have a choice about many of these things. They would just happen. I'm sure we would be shocked, sad, scared, whatever...but then...ultimately we would figure out how to deal with whatever the hardship was and we would just do what we had to do. Having to check yes or no is heart wrenching. Luckily there is that third option of "consult" but even still this is one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to complete.

What we both want is what every expecting parent wants--a healthy baby. Of course we don't WANT a child with down syndrome, or HIV, or any of the other myriad of problems on the list. But no one wants that for their children! And yet plenty of people have it! And what if we say no and limit our chances? Does that thought alone make us bad people...selfish people? On the other hand, what if we say yes to...say...a drug addicted baby, but for the wrong reasons? What then? What if, because we want so much to be parents, and we want to be good people, we end up with a situation we were never prepared for, and one we aren't equipped to handle?

I read an article in our adoption binder called, "The Child We Might Have Been Too Blind to See," and that's when the tears came. It's this sweet story about baby Melissa. She was born at only 2 pounds, with undeveloped lungs, and many other issues. They didn't think she would live more than a few weeks, much less ever walk or talk. The story ends with baby Melissa performing a solo in her kindergarten play. Yes she has issues and yes her life will be challenging...but with the love of the parents who adopted her, she has come farther than anyone ever thought possible.

How do we balance between a story like that and our own desire for a healthy (not perfect, just healthy) baby? How do we answer honestly and be true to ourselves, yet avoid closing too many doors to our hope of a successful adoption? My heart feels heavy today, and I guess I'm sad a little bit in general. I'm happy we're getting all our requirements done, and moving forward, but I still feel sad.

I think we'll be making an appointment with Elly and Amanda for next week sometime, to review our birthparent letter, album, and remaining paperwork. One day at a time...

Sighs of Relief

Well the home visit is complete and we can now move forward again! First I'd like to say a BIG "thank you" to everyone who’s been sending us good vibes and asking about our home visit. It went very well and (as people tried to tell me) my worrying and stress was all pretty unnecessary.

Once Elly and Amanda got here I was able to relax and be myself and I think Michael felt comfortable too. They were here for about an hour and 45 minutes and they asked us all sorts of questions, from how we plan to discipline our kids to whether there was anything we would change about our own childhoods. It was like the most intensive interview you can imagine times 100, and personal rather than professional.

But there was nothing really difficult to answer...the questions did require some careful thought and it was important for us to be ourselves, but I think we did okay with that. Once we were done talking they took a fairly brief tour of our house and that was that. Now they’ll work on writing their final report for the courts and we have to work on our "Dear Birthparent" letter and our adoptive parenting photo albums. These tasks seem daunting and it’s a lot to do but at least these projects are more intriguing than the initial paperwork was. I’m so excited to be moving on and making our way through the process!

Thanks to my parents we got a lot of good (needed) house projects done in preparation. One repaired and one new garage door, a new back screen door, a repaired front window screen, a nasty wood pile removed from our back carport, a new screen for our sliding glass door and some other odds and ends. We also got a TON of deep cleaning done, which was much needed. I’m glad these things are all taken care of now and I’m so thankful for all the help from my family but I’m also wondering why I stressed myself out so much now that it’s over! Just one of those lessons that can only be learned through personal experience I suppose.

I feel happy, if exhausted.