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Friday, March 27, 2009

Cheered

***I have to update this because now I'm feeling even more cheerful after reading the fantastic news over at BB's blog! If you haven't heard, check it out and congratulate the new family!!***

I just got off the phone with our SW and I am feeling so much better now. She wasn't sure if it would make me feel better or worse, so she somewhat hesitantly told me that the last b.mom who looked at our profile took only three albums home, including ours. Our SW said that the b.mom really liked us and thought we both sounded like "so much fun." I wish that would have been enough to make her choose us, but such is life. There seems to (finally!) be activity with our agency again, which makes a huge difference in how I feel overall. I have a small feeling of hope regarding this whole crazy process again and it's a welcome relief.

I'll be honest, I have been feeling a tremendous amount of self-doubt and sadness lately. There has been a shadow hanging over me, primarily regarding my weight, but also the fact that I'm so non-traditional in terms of still being in school at my age. I've been feeling lately that I will never be able to be a mom because I'm not thin like everyone else, even though I know I am absolutely meant to be a mom. It's just that sometimes when I compare myself to other 30-somethings, I feel woefully inadequate and very behind the times. I'm just so ready to have a "normal" job, and to be done with this crazy run-around called college. Normally I am such a confident, self-assured person, but lately I just haven't felt it and that's been bugging me.

I don't know--I'm sure there are still some trying days ahead with all of this, but for the first time in quite a while, I feel like everything really will be okay in the end. At least I can hope!

19 comments:

BB said...

Melba- I am so glad you are feeling better after talking to your SW. That seems to always help me, too.

I think this process really drives us to put ourselves and our lives under the microscope. For those of us that are our own worst critics, it can be pretty self defeating.

I remember one of the new moms that came to speak on our panel during our classes talked about her weight being the very thing that connected her with the birth mother that chose them (they had that in common). She talked at length how it was ironic that the thing she was most insecure about was the thing that brought her son to her.

I love that about adoption. I think those connections are amazing. It is immensely hard to wait for that right connection, but it brings me peace (somedays) that when it is right it will feel so good!

You know what is funny? How POSITIVE I always feel about YOUR adoption situation and how sometimes I feel so down in the dumps with my own. Why is it so much easier to be so confident and assured that it will happen for someone else????

littlezen said...

I'm petrified that we won't be chosen, but at the same time I know the expectant mother is probably just as scared that the adoptive parents she chooses won't want her for whatever she's insecure about.

Tracey said...

I am so glad you are feeling better. You wait until you get that call...I know it's coming....I know it...then your going to feel amazing...Still praying....have a great weekend.

Just curious...what classes are you taking right now?

Mrs H said...

Melba ~ I just finished school a year ago so I completely understand. I'm still studying so I can take my licensing exam. It seems ridiculous at 37 to be still talking about homework!

I'm glad you are feeling better. I hate amusement parks and I have to say this adoption thing is one heck of a rollercoaster ride!

Here's to blue skies!

Kel said...

I know what you mean about not "looking perfect" I keep looking at our profile on line and the copy of our "real profile" that I have and I keep wondering if it's _________ enough. Cute, neat perfectly worded etc.

I think you guys are awesome and you will be a mom, just like I will be a mom! WE WILL be mothers!
I only hope it's not too much longer!

Ashley said...

Yay for activity!! A glimmer of hope is all you need sometime to really get you through the toughest times.

Rebekah said...

Melba you are perfection at it's best. This process has a way of turning you inside out! Keep pushing through, your baby is coming...

LL said...

when Jay and I were wating to be chosen every single time a potential bmom did not choose us it hit my self esteem. He always said that it really doesn't matter that they did not choose us because we want the bmom of our baby to choose us...and she will...and it so true. I know it is hard to continue to have faith, but you will be PERFECT for the baby that is meant to be yours.

Evergreen said...

I'm glad you are feeling some hope again. You guys do seem like so much fun - and YOUR birth mother will find you and love you for who you are. You never know what attracts pbm's. Hang in there.

Thanks for your enthusiasm and support on our situation. I really appreciate it.

Nancy said...

I'm glad you talked to your SW and she helped you feel better. It really is terrific news that a b-mom liked you. I really feel that you are close and you have to keep telling yourself that. Don't dwell on the negative. The right b-mom is going to see you for the great mom you are.

hollyrenee said...

I TOTALLY agree with you...I don't care (ok that's not true, I do CARE), but in some way I don't mind if we are not chosen by the family that isn't "ours"; it does my heart enormous good just to know that we got shown. It means our profile is not in a box gathering dust somewhere!

You have the best attitude of anyone I read up on:) I hope you know what a blessing you are to me and to tons of other people! I'm praying your wait is getting short!:)

Wendy said...

I'm glad that you are feeling better after talking to your caseworker. I just read a few posts down and read about how you came to choose adoption and about what you've been going through. Thanks for what you wrote.

In one of your posts, you mentioned being in using Catholic Soc. Serv. of Michigan...we're in MI, too. It's nice to read about someone who's nearby... :)

Good luck with your journey. If you ever want to talk, you can email me...stevewendyadopt@comcast.net

Debbie B said...

Oh how I remember those highs and lows. So glad that you are feeling high at the moment. You'll get there. As you just saw it can happen in a day.

hope548 said...

I still go through my days of low confidence here and there, it's just life. I'm so glad you are feeling better and hopeful. Life will always be a little crazy and will always be throwing new stuff at you. I still haven't figured out how to roll with it all, but I keep on trying!
Here's hoping you keep feeling this good feeling!

Jamie said...

you are perfect and there is a birthmother who will choose you because she thinks you are perfect also! :) it's so easy to beat ourselves up during this process ~ i had never felt as judged as i did going through this process and not being chosen. i just wondered what it was that we were missing....why weren't WE the ones they chose. there is a reason for all things ~ and you will know soon enough. :) hand in there knowing that your miracle is coming ~ in perfect timing!

E said...

Melba, that's great that you talked with your SW and it made you feel better. Good to hear too that there is stuff going on with your agency...

I remember how you're feeling about school. I went back to school for nursing when I was 33. I was one of the oldest people in the program, which was depressing, especially since it was less than a year after our last failed IVF cycle. I was in school with many 20-somethings, some who had not yet had a real job! (It was a second degree Bachelor's of Nursing program). But you will never say, "woulda, coulda, shoulda". School is temporary and you'll soon be in your career! You should be so proud of yourself (I am proud of you:)). It takes a lot of guts, motivation, and determination to go back to school "at our age". I know many moms who wish they continued their educations...you will not be one of them!

alicia said...

i think everything will be ok too! I am glad to hear the b mom thought you guys were fun! that is great news! I know its hard, but try not to compare yourself to "normal" anyones! You are you and you are unique and beautiful and what makes you special is being your own person living your own life!

michelle said...

Hi there, I came across your blog..from Bri and Rebekah...we too are waiting and I know how you feel....good to hear there is some action though...and from the little bit I have read of you blog you guys are fun...and someone soon is going to see that for all it is worth....you will be a mother...we will be mothers!!

m:)

Jessie said...

It dawned on me while reading your post that I had many of the same feelings of self doubt during the adoption process. I worried more about my weight during that time period than I ever had before. I've always been pretty self confident and comfortable in my own skin but so many times I would think that a bm wouldn't pick me because I was too fat! I had totally forgotten that till I read your post. Isn't it amazing how our heads can turn on us from time to time. Dang self doubt!