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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Deflated

Lately I've been feeling pretty good, but these last couple days...it's like someone deflated my balloon. I can't pinpoint one thing that's gotten me down, other than the strong likelihood that my mood is largely in response to the monsoon-like weather Michigan has had recently. I actually enjoy the rain, but this has been a little too much for me. We had over two inches of rain this past weekend, complete with a flooded basement, and it's still coming down tonight. *Sigh*

The situation I mentioned in this post turned into another "no." Without going into details, I will say that my very first thought at hearing that news was one of relief more than anything else. That definitely tells you something. Still, every "no" also comes with some sadness for me. In theory, I do know our time will come, but practically speaking, this wait feels eternal.

I fear that I may become bitter the longer this takes. The rejection never gets any easier, no matter what the situation entails, but my reaction changes a little each time. The inevitable tears I cry take a little longer to arrive each subsequent time we receive the same basic email from our CW. They always sound similar, and basically say something to the effect of, "I know this is difficult, but so-and-so has chosen another family..." The more times I read those words, the more detached my reaction becomes. Maybe this is a healthy/normal defense mechanism, but it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

In any case, our wait continues and I'm just plugging away. As miserable as I sound in this post, I'm really not. I am tired tonight, and therefore may be feeling a little more on edge than normal, but for the most part I'm just "walking along the plateau" (thanks to BB for that) of this journey.


18 comments:

BB said...

I don't even know what to say. I get this though. I get all the ways in which this is hard.

I’m starting to get numb to the disappointment, too. Mine is a little different because we aren’t told when we are presented, but I still feel the emptiness when the millionth person announces their pregnancy. I t makes me sad…but it starting to be less sad and more removed.

I know you know this will happen... and I know all too well what little comfort that brings. I also get how you sound worse than you feel. It sucks, it is hard, but at the same time kinda normal nowdays. We'll just keep trucking on cruise control together!

Reggie Boppy said...

"Walking the plateau" is an excellent way of putting it Melba. I tend to become numb the more we're presented and rejected as well. We just need to keep on walking and one day we'll get to our destination!

Tracey said...

I am so sorry you are having to wait so long....I felt like I had waited 40 years by the time Samuel came along....THE ONE is out there....still praying for you!

Jamie said...

sweet melba ~ your feelings are so incredibly normal and legitimate. I felt the same way.....I actually started to feel angry and resentful as if the adoption journey wasn't welcoming me either. there were times when I felt like I was DONE ~ no one was going to continue to make me feel like I wasn't worthy or capable of being a mom....and then...along came milo and I can't imagine having any other child as a part of our family.
I know these words don't bring you much peace right now....but I'm just continuing to hold you close to my heart in thought and prayer and I know you will have an amazing story when the times comes. :)
take care of your sweet self ~
Jamie

Kel said...

Deflated, and a little empty.

I wrote a really bad poem a while ago, but part of it was redeeming:

My arms ache to hold you; to feel your infant weight.
My heart burns to love you; for us love is to wait...

it doesn't help at all,but it is descriptive of the early moments of my adoption journey.

There is small comfort in the fact that it "will happen" it's like telling a single woman that there is love out there. It's kind of an empty reassurance until she finally meets someone.


The jouney has many geographic features,and I'm so pleased and encouraged to be walking the platu of this journey with you.

Kel

M/J Granata said...

Melba...thinking about you at this rough time... we are walking parallel paths right now. I hope you hear "yes" very soon!
Julie G ;)

Rebekah said...

Big sigh. I get it. I wish I had answers....that I could just snap my fingers and bring us all babies right now.

All I can say is hang in there.

Love you!

Malloryn said...

Melba, I'm thinking about you as you walk this plateau. I haven't felt the disappointment of being presented and not selected, so I can only imagine how hard that is. I go through ups and downs as well, and some days I can handle the wait better than others. I'm glad that you've written this post to let us know how you're feeling... sometimes we need to take turns holding each other's hand as we go through this journey. You've always been so kind and supportive to others and please know that it's appreciated.

stillthinkingagain said...

Oh Melba, I know you don't feel like it, but you're doing such a great job of "walking this plateau." I know you're worried about the callous that you're developing, and you're right, it really is your heart's defense mechanism. I really believe, though, that when YOUR baby comes along, all the detachment and jadedness will melt away. Be proud of yourself, chickie... you're kicking this plateau's ass!! :)

Lots of love coming at you from the blogosphere!

kimberly said...

your words sound so familiar, melba.....my daughter's fear was that she would become this awful bitter person....soooo far from her natural self......it is so amazing to me how each of you are different but so many of your emotions and fears are expressed in the exact same words......i can just tell what a sweet, kind, giving
person you are....and i know it doesn't make the wait easier....but someone will see that in you too....and want it for their little one!
hugs,
kimberly

hope548 said...

It's hard to keep your spirits up 24/7 about adoption when you don't know how long your wait is going to be. I wavered back and forth. This is the hardest part of the wait, because there isn't much that is comfortable do to be proactive. I also hardened myself during the wait. I think that's completely normal too. Once you are matched with someone, you'll know how much cautious optimism you can allow yourself. Hang in there!

alicia said...

oh hugs!!! lame weather always gets me down too. thinking about you

Jill said...

You know what girl...I read your post yesterday (before I heard OUR news) and passed on because I just didn't have the words to say.....
I felt bad, but didn't want to risk making it worse. I thought about it and thought about it while lying in bed last night. I felt nothing I would say, because I already have an adopted a child, would be comforting to you. Only because it wouldn't have been to ME. I am hoping this makes sense and isn't making me sound worse....
I hope you all have a sensitive social worker, because ours right now (long story..in this agency you are shuffled around) is an insensitive witch. But I GET YOU, I really do. I actually think about the 2 of you alot. You seem so down to earth. Please know I am praying for the 2 of you to be matched soon.
Hugs friend, Jill

Robyn said...

Melba, I stumbled across your blog and thought I would comment. I know what I say may not be comforting to you, but I want you to know that I've been there and know 100 % how you are feeling. I am an adoptive mommy. My husband and I waited 3 years for our little girl. 3 years is a long time, we started to wonder what was wrong with us that we weren't being picked. Even though it was hard to believe, I kept telling myself that God has a plan for us and sometimes we don't see the big picture. I felt that the child that was meant to be ours would find their way into our lives. When we were matched, it felt right. Even the relationship with the BM felt right. The momment our Daughter was born, that 3 year wait was gone. It may have felt like a lifetime, while we were waiting, but when we were blessed with her, I didn't even remember the wait. My Daughter is the best thing to ever happen to me and I am madly in love. I would have waited 10+ years for her. So hang in there, your baby is finding their way to you. Remember, Gods got a plan and he sees the big picture! Keep the faith!
Robyn

E said...

"plugging away"...that's all we can do! Detached is the perfect word for how I'm feeling about our adoption journey. Sad, not really...frustrated, usually...numb, definitely. It feels like we're playing the lottery and winning is something that happens to someone else. I KNOW in my heart that it will happen for us, but my head thinks differently sometimes.

It's good news that some action has been going on at your agency. Sounds like your profile is getting out there, which is always good. Ours has been pretty slow, I think.

hollyrenee said...

I am right there with you...and I hope you get a different email very soon! Keep on keeping on...God will reward you for your faith!

Jessie said...

Oh I so remember that feeling! In fact it was a year ago today that I posted on my blog about my frustration, disappointment, anger, detachment, etc at the whole adoption process. I had just experienced my third failed adoption at the hospital and was just done! Burnt out and hurting. And a week later I got a call about my wonderful little boy. All I can say is that the wait is horrible but the reward is grand. Hang in there. Vent when you need to, cry when you need too, and remember when it's time to rejoice we will all be here to do that too! Thinking of you and praying your little one comes home soon!!!

Debbie B said...

I was the same way. The first no was horrible. The next didn't seem to bother me. But I think it was just because I knew what it was going to feel like. It also took about a month to hear on that one.
But when we finally got the call I didn't enjoy it. I think I had been so hurt that I was afraid it wasn't real. It all happened so fast.
My advice if you want it, keep talking about those emotions. I tried to keep them in and it lead to my breakdown right before we got the call.