Three "B" Words

We've been devoting a lot of time and energy to three little words in our house lately, all of which begin with the letter "b." 

Big Boy Bed!

I've posted about this before, here and here regarding the issues with our little man and sleep.  He is an amazing, wonderful, smart, funny, sweet little boy but sleep - or rather independent sleep - has always been somewhat problematic in our household.  He wants to be where we (and the action) are, period.  He sleeps beautifully, with us.  It's been a big challenge for me.  On one hand, I want him to sleep all night in his own room, but on the other hand, I have a lot of trouble with letting him CIO.  I used to be a believer in CIO but then I read (maybe too much?) about attachment issues in adoption and I decided, unequivocally, that I want to do everything I can to help, rather than hinder that process in our lives.  Some part of me still thinks we should just do CIO for two weeks and be done with it but, as I shared in my previous posts, that is excruciating for me.  Our son is a strong willed little person and I have a (very large) soft spot for him!   

In any case, this problem has ebbed and flowed in our lives since we became parents.  He has always slept better when being held and he needed to be swaddled well past the six month mark, in order to get good sleep.  During the latter part of my first semester of student teaching last fall, I basically gave up and started letting him sleep in our bed.  Until that point, I had been trying to get him to sleep in his own room but, inevitably, one of us (usually my dear, sweet husband) would cave in and the little one would end up in our bed at some point during the night, usually on the earlier end.  There came a point when I was simply too tired and I decided it was not an issue I was going to expend my energy on any longer.  I'm a little ashamed to admit that I literally just gave up but it's the truth.  Besides, some parts of the arrangement we had going were nice.  With being so busy, I wasn't spending as much time with the little boy as usual so it was nice to have that extra cuddle time with him.  

Buuuuut then it started affecting our marriage. We were irritable with each other & just not connecting the way we once had.  It came to mind that some of the issues were stemming from our little bedroom invader.  I'm not even talking about the private aspects of marriage here, although that was a factor too.  The hardest part was that our  simple cuddling/together time where we could reconnect with each other as mutual adults who share a partnership and love for an amazing little boy was nonexistent. For a time there, I felt that each of us had a great relationship with our son, but that our relationship with each other was taking a big back seat to our child.  Heck, not even a back seat...more like a dangling from the tail pipe by a thread position.  Not good.  
 
So, that left only one option, do something about it.  After some discussion, and yes, I'll admit it, even some arguing, we agreed that we had to tackle the bedtime issue.  Michael works two jobs so I found that I was often the one trying to fix it all.  Once I finally had the necessary conversation with Michael that we had to tackle the issue together as a team, things got much better. We still have our own unique nuances and ways of dealing with our son but we are a united front & Charlie is responding to that.  I made/am making a big deal about us getting and staying on the same page because that was definitely a factor in letting this issue get out of hand.  To tell the truth, we are just now coming out of that phase, and we're still learning how to get it right.  We are both working hard to make sure our son's bedtime is routine, routine, routine.   So far...it seems to be working, mostly. 

About two weeks ago, we took the side rail off his crib, made a big production of getting him new sheets and a pillow, read stories about bed time (in which I overemphasized kids sleeping in their OWN beds.) Now we start the bedtime process by around 7:30 most nights.  We sit in his rocking chair while we read two stories, (sometimes with a perusal of his baby book thrown in too,) and sing three songs.  He gets in bed & I tuck him in and he...usually...goes to sleep.  Or I should say, he's starting to go to sleep.  We started this new routine two weeks ago and we are just now breaking through to where the rhythm is setting in and we are getting less resistance.  We had some rough nights there where it was taking him, literally, hours to fall asleep.  Then I got a little smarter and started leaving the room.  Sometimes he will try to get up and follow me, at which point I firmly tell him to get back into bed.  I say, "Mommy loves you very much but it's time to go to bed now."  He will ask us why he has to sleep in his own bed & I explicitly tell him, "Because Mommy & Daddy need Mommy & Daddy time; Charlie needs Charlie time."   Sometimes he shakes his head repeatedly as he says, "No not a want to seep in YaYa own bed want to seep in mommy/daddy own bed."  But, on some level, I think he's getting it.   The consistency and repetition is helping. 

I'll be honest and tell you that he still ends up making his way into our room by around 4:00 a.m. most mornings; however, I think the resolution of that will be phase two of this operation.  For now, we're getting some much-needed time for us, he's sleeping better (if not perfectly,) and we are all feeling much happier now that we've resumed our efforts at dealing with the issues head on, together.  It is taking, and will take time.  This will probably be something with which we will struggle for several years.  It is a learning process for all of us, and we are far from perfect.  I think the important thing, which is the thing on which we are actually making headway, is to be able to strike a balance between meeting our son's needs and letting those needs govern our entire lives, even our marriage.  I actually think he feels safer and more secure when there are some firm limits put into place, and when we have some expectations of him that are clearly identified, such as, "Charlie sleeps in his own bed because he's a big boy and big boys sleep in their own beds."  


For now...we are getting there, one day at a time.  I figured I should share some of what we've been doing/dealing with because I know there are others out there who struggle with some of these same issues.  Getting enough, high quality sleep is so important, it affects every aspect of our lives.  And yet, it's one of the things that is changed most profoundly when we become parents.  We all deal with it on some level but when you have a child for whom sleep is problematic, the issues are tenfold.  Here's to many peaceful nights ahead!   

 
           

   

  

 

A Letter from Christmas Past

Charlie's second Christmas is only a couple of days away.  Time has flown by so very fast lately, I'm left with the distinct sensation of a spinning frenzy of activity akin to a blizzard.  How is it possible, already, that this is my second Christmas as a mama?  I can still so acutely remember the sadness that came with the holidays for me, through the waiting years...through my time before Charlie.  But that is gone for me now.  Gone but not forgotten.  Never forgotten.  I've been thinking lately about what it all means.  Seeing the Christmas lights sparkle and reflect in our son's beautiful eyes really makes me think about the magic of Christmas.  For me it is and always has been about the children.  That's a big part of the reason why waiting, especially during the holidays, was so very difficult for me.  I wanted a child so badly so that I could see and relive that wonder and joy through his eyes.  Now that we have the child with whom to share the joy of this incredible time of year, I find myself reaching back into the past and remembering what it was like before he came along.  If I could have known then what I know now, what would I have said to myself?  What advice would I have given?  What would I have done differently?

 
I guess part of my reflective state is due to the face that my baby sister is currently in the beginning stages of her own journey through infertility.  I wish it wasn't the case.  I wish pregnancy would come easily for her and that I didn't have to see her struggle.  But I'm also glad we have each other and...at the risk of sounding narcissistic...I'm glad she has me.  Those of us who have navigated the waters know that they can be very cold and lonely at times.  I hope I will be able to lessen her burden a bit, simply because I've been there and I remember.

So what would I have said to myself back then, if I could've had a glimpse into this future...if I could've known what I know now?

.....................................................

Dear Melba,

Smile!  Put on your coat of Christmas cheer for the world to see!  Your time will come, you will be a mom!

Right now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and experience this moment.  Relax.  Just breathe.  If you are sad, it's OK.  Feel sad...it will help you to pave the way for all the love that's going to pour forth from your heart the first time you hold your sweet son and kiss his tiny baby cheeks.  You will love him more than you can even possibly imagine right now.  He will color your world in ways you never thought possible.  He will bring joy back to you and multiply it by 1,000.  You have no idea what being a mom will be like.  It's not something you can know before it happens to you.  I will tell you that it's not as easy as you think it is right now.  It is rewarding and beautiful in many ways but it is also challenging and overwhelming in many ways.  You will be a good mom but you will also make a lot of mistakes and you will often wonder if you're doing things right.  You will question yourself more than you think you will and you will worry about that boy, despite your best efforts at putting that aside.  So...be sad and feel the pain as it is needed now, it must serve some purpose for you.  But also try to stay awake and alive to NOW.  Try to remember that for better or worse, every day does count.  Who you are today does matter tomorrow.  Give your husband a hug and tell him how much he means to you.  Tell him how much you cherish the time you have together.  Embrace that and hold it close.  Your baby will change your marriage.  In many ways he will strengthen it but he will also bring new challenges and new expenses that will require some adjustment for both you and Michael.  He will make you stretch and expand, in ways both pleasant and problematic. 

What I really want you to know...to understand...is that you have to be alive NOW.  One day in the not-so-distant future, you will look back on these times and you will wonder why you spent so much of your time feeling sad.  You will never forget how hard infertility and the waiting part of the adoption process were but you will wonder why you let those things encompass so much of your being.  So again I say to you, Melba...smile!  Tuck the sadness away and use it when you need it but don't let it overpower you.  You have to struggle some now so that you will appreciate more later but you have my permission to feel hopeful, alive and happy right now, too!

Sincerely,

Your not-so-distant future self...      

 
            

Eclectic Mom

Every once in a while, I think there are aspects of me as a mom that other people find surprising. Not long ago, a friend told me she was surprised that there was some "Ann Arbor mom" in me. If you live in this general area, or know anything about the city of Ann Arbor (home to the University of Michigan) then that comment will make some sort of sense to you. Ann Arbor moms are often pretentious (sorry but it's true) and are also known for being trendy and on the cutting edge of what's up and coming in the world of baby gear and baby care.

I agree with my friend--none of those characteristics accurately describe me. However, it is surprising yet true that I have chosen to do things with Charlie that definitely fit me into the label. Things like cloth diapering with Bum Genius diapers, making my own baby food and wearing my baby when and where ever possible.

About a week ago, a fellow blogger, Jen posted a great entry on her blog about how she's adapting to being the mom she wants to be. Her post got me thinking and I've been meaning to write this post all week but instead it's been rattling around in my head as I've sped through my days. In my comment to Jen I called myself an "eclectic mom" and that's exactly what I am. I wholeheartedly agree with her that it's best to break free from any of the various "parenting camps" and just go with the combination of your heart, head and gut when it comes to the question of how to parent.

I guess (at least in part) I'm able to do this because I am educated when it comes to early childhood development, theories, and practices. That background gives me comfort that I know what I'm doing even though I'm pretty sure I'd know what I was doing with my baby even if I didn't have the jargon to accompany my knowledge. To me, being an eclectic mom is all about one magical little word, balance. Among other things, it's about the equilibrium between being:

• laid back and rigid
• natural and convenient/practical
• knowledgeable and open to new ideas
  
• child focused and career oriented

But none of that is to say that I've got it all down. I'm nowhere near having all the pieces of the puzzle in place! I guess that's the whole point of this post though...that I try my best to lead with my instincts and to use my knowledge of my son's unique needs and personality to decide how to raise him, rather than steadfastly sticking to one way or method of parenting. In this way, I'm able to get the best of all the different schools of thought out there, and I'm able to stay centered on my baby's unique needs and abilities instead of fitting him into some standard measure or expectation of the things he "should" be doing.

With the seemingly endless plethora of parenting advice/opinion books and information out there, you can find at least one book that supports just about any parenting technique you want to try. And as I mentioned in this post, way back when Charlie was a tiny little thing, it can be absolutely maddening (especially to an overwhelmed new mom) how two books from two equally qualified "experts" will completely contradict one another. That's why, to me, it's essential to lead with the heart first, closely followed by the head.

One of my favorite professors used to say, "Ask Ten, Get Ten" as his reminder that opinions are exactly that, unique thoughts that can vary drastically from one person to another. That saying holds true with parenting too. If you have an issue on your mind, you can ask ten different people what they think and you are practically guaranteed to get ten different answers. That's both refreshing and infuriating!

As a mom, I honestly think one of the hardest things is the decision making...the weeding through all the information and resources to get to the bottom of what's really best for baby or what's really worth worrying about versus what should be left alone. The weight of that responsibility, that knowledge that another person's life is entirely dependent upon my decisions and my actions. Well I have to say that I'm so very thankful I have an amazing husband with whom I can discuss big decisions. I like being able to find out what he thinks and weigh my own ideas against his before I have to decide for sure. I like that our parenting decisions are (at least for the most part) a combination of his gut feelings and mine. I like that I have a partner in this consuming yet overwhelmingly joyful experience of raising a child. I am comforted by the knowledge that I don't have to do this all alone.

Whew, that was quite a lengthy and loaded post! I definitely rambled a bit more than I originally intended but it surely does feel good to have a place to purge all these thoughts and share my ideas. As always, I can't wait to hear what you all have to say in response! :)

Michael's Grumbling

OK I tried to post a comment but couldn't ... so I'm going to write a Blog entry...

Mommy Melba way to go for some husband bashing ;0)

Oh dear what have you stirred up?

Can I really let a comment like:

"Michael has a tendency to get home and go about his business, forgetting the fact that we have a baby boy for whom we need to care."

pass without rebuttal?

Seriously how could anyone forget about Charlie? ;0) I'm merely acting on standing orders from Mommy Melba... something along the lines of

"when you bring Charlie in leave him in his seat for a few minutes and don't wake him up let him sleep"

It's not my fault Mommy Melba hasn't countermand the directive ;0)

This also goes for those chores... the ones that Mommy Melba said that she is doing... the ones she hasn't quite got around to trusting me to do... like laundry of the diapers etc.

These chores are the ones that Mommy Melba has specifically told me she wants to do... So when I ask about them she says she'll do them.. I can help but No I'll do it wrong... I actually like doing laundry...

DO I complicate things?? In my defense what Mommy Melba misses to point out is that my 'over complications' are made to make my time with Charlie more effective...

I have to make use of the time I've got. So I roll feeding, changing, playing and bonding into a late night power block when I get home. Sure it's a little unconventional but so is my schedule. I fit everything in before Charlie goes to sleep.

If I have to stop and think about it.. you know it does actually work for us... including letting Mommy Melba have time to catch up with her blogs while Charlie and I bond.

It doesn't bother me that I have to figure it out by myself it just means I don't have to trip up on all the pre-conceptions and padded baggage of what the latest care an advice is.. BTW I don't like Sophie the Giraffe...

All I know is that I can get up at 4am go to the kitchen make a fresh warm bottle of formula for Charlie and be back to feed him all within two minutes... I do it my way and I just get it done...

I'm not saying who taught Mommy Melba how to get all the air out of the bottle before a feeding but I'll just say its way easier and more effective way than the method I was taught ;0)

Grumbling Daddy Michael

Life After Baby, Part 1: The Marriage

There are a handful of truly significant changes in life, the birth of a new baby among them. Ever since Charlie's sudden, yet joyful entrance into our lives, there have been a number of change-related posts I've wanted to write. Now that we are beginning to settle into our new reality a bit more, I've decided to write a series of posts about how our lives have been transformed. The first topic on my mind, also perhaps the most important, is our marriage.

Please note that I am writing from the heart here, and sharing our experiences as I have lived them...I hope none of this comes off as though I'm complaining, because nothing could be further from the truth!

When we brought Charlie home, we had been married almost exactly 12 years and four months. That's a long time with just the two of us, which has turned out to be both sweet and sour. On one hand, the fact that we've got such a solid foundation upon which to stand has meant that our transition has been easier. We have a lot of happy times and good memories to lean on when we are missing "us" a little bit.

And it's true, I do miss us as a couple sometimes.

I love and cherish every moment with Charlie, but I also miss the time just hanging out with my husband and doing nothing...or just going with the flow without having to consider how our decisions will affect our little person. Especially as "Mommy," the primary doer where Charlie is concerned, I find that I'm almost always preoccupied with what's going on with Charlie at least a little bit. Unless I'm sleeping, I'm rarely completely relaxed anymore. I do relax, but even when I'm in downtime mode, I'm contemplating what's coming next in Charlie's world, if that makes any sense. All that being said, and without tooting my own horn too much, I think I'm one of the more laid back moms out there.

We have been on one "date night" since Charlie's birth, when he was about two months old. We had a good time, but Michael actually surprised me that night by saying he didn't understand why we needed a night for just us, when Charlie could have just as easily been with us. At the time my feelings were hurt. There I was, trying so hard to balance myself between wife and mother, doing what I thought I 'should' do, and my husband was basically telling me he thought our date night was stupid. But...that was an enlightening moment for me at the same time that it was hurtful: Wake up call...Michael is missing Charlie! I get so busy going about my days with Charlie that I forget Michael is missing time with him while he's away at work. We try to meet for lunches when it works out, and sometimes I take Charlie to the library to visit Michael while he's working, but that's still not enough.

And that brings me to my next point - the whole work versus home balance. One thing has become crystal clear since Charlie's arrival, and that is that Michael and I are drastically out of balance where this is concerned. He works two jobs so that I can continue my education, while I do most if not all of the work around the house. This was a joint decision we made years ago; however, my educational path has been longer than I initially anticipated. I am at the point now where I am frustrated, and I really can't wait to have a "real" job again. Even though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, I do carry a lot of guilt over the fact that I pull very little financial weight in our marriage. And it's me who makes me feel this way, not my husband. He works way too much, and he is often exhausted when he gets home at night, but he's rarely got a chip on his shoulder about our situation.

Why is it that women struggle with guilt so much...or is it just me?

The other part of that package is that I also feel some resentment over the fact that the weight of all the chores is on my shoulders. In particular since Charlie's birth, mowing the yard and taking care of both outside and inside has become overwhelming for me. Things aren't getting done, and it's piling up. I feel as though we need outside help, but that's most definitely not within our budget at this stage of the game. I think Michael and I both feel unappreciated by one another at times, and we could both stand to work a little harder at finding and naming the value we each add to the mix. Sometimes I feel as though we are a house of cards, and if either one of us stops doing what we're doing, it's all going to come tumbling down. Perhaps that's a bit melodramatic, but I have felt it a time or two these past couple of months.

I think I'm almost done with this installment of "Life After Baby," but this post wouldn't be complete without me mentioning my observations that when it comes to babies and child care, men and women are very different! When Michael first went back to work, we had a slight glitch because when he would get home at night, I was handing Charlie over the second he walked through the door. I was under the assumption that's what Michael would want, since that's what I feel like I would want if I was working outside the home all day. It took one serious discussion, and a few more hurt feelings before I understood that what Michael wants/needs when he gets home is to have a few minutes to himself before he takes Charlie. It's not that he doesn't want to see the baby, it's just that he needs that few minutes of debriefing time first. Now that we've sorted this out, we have a pretty workable routine, but it took effort on both our parts to get to this point.

There are also differences in the way we interact with and care for Charlie, as well as how we prioritize. I try to take a step back and let Michael do things his way, but sometimes I have to bite my tongue a bit as he's figuring it all out. As he put it during one of our "discussions," I've been preparing for this time of our lives since I was 12, while he's only just getting started. Sometimes I feel that he over-complicates things, or makes them more difficult than they need to be. By that same token, I was feeling that Michael was being somewhat oblivious to the things that needed to be done around the house and/or for Charlie. After we've been out and about, Michael has a tendency to get home and go about his business, forgetting the fact that we have a baby boy for whom we need to care. I don't think this is intentional at all, I think it's just a habit born of so many years as just the two of us. There was never anyone else to consider before, and we are both having to make mental adjustments to find our harmony. I have fond myself increasingly falling into the role of director where I'm constantly asking him to do things when what I really want is for him to look around, see that there are dirty bottles on the counter (as one example) and voluntarily do something about it.

The good news is that things are smoothing out a bit...slowly but surely we are getting there! We are becoming a lot more adept at discussing these matters without one of us having our feelings hurt, or getting angry. Communication is so very important in marriage, and especially where children are concerned. In August, Michael will be starting a new schedule at his second job where he will work several less hours per week. We will still have to work hard to strike a balance between time for us as a couple, time as a family, and individual time for each of us, but this change will make a significantly positive difference for us. Then will come another big transition when I head back to school full time this fall. I'm nervous about the logistics of all that, and incorporating child care into our mix, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

For now, we are taking things one day at a time, and enjoying this special time in our lives as new parents of the most wonderful little boy on the planet. Even though the change has come with it's fair share of upheaval, we are happier and more fulfilled than we have ever been. We are so grateful for the precious gift Charlie is, and we will never become complacent, or forget what it was like to be without him...to be longing for him with every ounce of our being, every day of our lives.

One for the Bairn

My hubby just came home and told me he bought three lottery tickets today. I asked him why three, and he said, "Well, one for you, one for me, and one for the bairn." It took me a minute, but then I realized what he meant...the bairn, as is baby...as in our baby...our future little person. That made my day, he is such a sweet man!

Year End Reflections

I'm finding it hard to believe 2009 is right around the corner. We celebrated Michael's 37th birthday alongside Christmas on December 25th and I realized I met him when he was 23 years old. That seems almost impossible, but it's true. We also celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary on December 29th (can you tell December is a busy month for us?) and that was also a great day. We have been through so much together and stayed strong through it all. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, solid, loving husband by my side.

As I reflect back on the year, I am realizing there are many aspects of my life for which I am extremely grateful. Our marriage, our home, our dogs, our family, our jobs--this life we have created, though not yet complete, is truly beautiful. I have long since given up trying to predict when our lives may be touched by the magic of a little one, though I hope that time comes soon. Still, what we do have is precious and treasured. Sometimes it becomes all too easy to focus on what's missing and on the things for which I still so long. It's easy to get bogged down and caught up in what comes next, instead of appreciating what's already right here. So, my goal for now is to be where I am...to appreciate this life exactly as it is and to truly live in the moment. Wish me luck!

Happy New Year, Everyone...I am so thankful for all of you who are with me us on this journey!

Me...with a baby registry?

YEP! We did it, we went to BRU and registered yesterday. I have to be honest, I share many of Rebekah's thoughts on the awkwardness of this experience, but I'm still glad we went. The conversation with the registry clerk was only slightly odd. She was very nice and good at her job, details and all. I felt comforted by the fact that adoption was listed on the paperwork, that was an affirmation of sorts. The weirdest part was when we had to make up an "expected arrival" date because the computer won't accept a TBD date. I chose April '09 out of the blue, and then she had to give us the schpeel about how registering early can mean you'll have to make more updates because products change... The thing is...we're NOT registering early! We're not registering early and we're not registering late, we're just registering since we have no idea WHEN our baby will make his/her grand entrance. They really should have a way to leave the arrival date pending for people like us! I don't want to spend too much time reiterating the thoughts from my previous post, but did I mention I am VERY frustrated by all the unknowns of this waiting process? The only other weird thing was all the VERY pregnant women we were sharing the aisles with. Pregnant women don't bother me anymore, they honestly don't...but it was a little odd to look around and realize I was the only one without a huge bump in front.

All that aside, I DID manage to convince hubby to park in the "expectant mothers" stork parking spot, even though he was reluctant at first. I told him you guys would all be mad at me if I didn't park there since we've sort of made a point of it and all. hehe...so here's a photo that might make you smile, I couldn't resist:


We did pretty good up until the bedding section, which was problematic because there was honestly nothing there that either one of us really loved...plus if I'm being honest, I still sort of have my heart set on a round baby bed, even though husband doesn't get my fascination with them at all. We'll see what happens! I'm sure I'll add to our list off and on, especially once we learn more about who/when our baby will be, but for now we've got the basics on our list, and I feel slightly more like a real expectant mother, if only slightly!

Words for Her

Well, as many of you know, I've been working diligently on our "Dear Birthparent" letter. This is (in my opinion) on of the greatest challenges of domestic infant adoption. What do you say to the {future} woman who is going to give you the greatest gift you've ever received? It's like a resume for your soul...how do you put THAT on paper?! But...after several attempts and some re-wording here and there I've got at least the basic plan for what I want to say. I'm still going to work on this a little and 'pretty it up' so to speak, but this is the gist of our letter. To any of you who have done this before, I would LOVE some genuine and honest feedback, both on what you think works well and what you think I can do better. I have read so many tips from different sources, but in the end I jut took a stab in the dark and wrote from my heart. I really want honest, constructive, and critical opinions because (of course!!) I want this letter to be the best it can possibly be. THANK YOU to everyone out there who is reading along with me and sending the wonderful advice, support and comments...you are all a Godsend to me!!

And without further ado...the letter of a lifetime:

Hello!

We are Michael and Melanie and we are grateful to you for reading our letter. We know considering adoption for your baby must be very difficult for you and we are thankful for the courage and strength you are putting forth as you make the best possible plan for your baby and his or her future. We want you to know we respect you and your decision to make an adoption plan for your child, and we will do everything we can to put your mind at ease if you should choose us to be adoptive parents for your baby.

Our Story:

We have wanted to be parents for as long as we can both remember. Now that we have chosen adoption as our method for creating the family we have so longed for, we are very excited; we can’t wait to become parents!! We are eager to experience all the joys of watching little ones grow up into strong, happy, healthy, and confident adults. We believe in honesty, respect, loyalty, kindness, and strong family ties. These are all values we hope to instill in the child we adopt. We believe children are a blessing and we think they should be nurtured and loved, with strong role models and positive reinforcement as they learn and grow. We want the child we adopt to know who they are as a whole person, and we plan on sharing their own, unique adoption story with them from the get go. We will be open and honest with our future child about his or her adoption story from the very beginning. We are excited about the rewards of open adoption and we want to work with you to make an adoption arrangement that will put your mind at ease about the safety and care of your baby. We know that not all aspects of parenting will be easy, but we are confident we will be excellent parents. We plan to always be open and honest with the child we adopt, with you, and with each other so that the child’s need’s can come first.

We have been married since 1996 and we have a strong, loving relationship. We are best friends first and we work together to take care of the day-to-day occurrences in life, as well as the bigger life-changing events. We are a fun loving couple with zest and exuberance for life. We enjoy spending quiet evenings at home together, as well as being out and about, experiencing all life has to offer. We have two dogs, Ditto and Dinah whom we love very much. We consider them members of our family and they are an important part of our daily lives. Michael and I have many different interests and we tend to complement each other very well. Even though we sometimes approach situations differently, we work very well together and we end up with the best of both worlds. We support each other through thick and thin. Though we are blessed with a wonderful marriage, a comforting home and excellent relationships with our friends and family, we were extremely saddened when we found out getting pregnant was not going to be easy for us. We’ve been through many years of infertility treatments and hoping for that special little miracle to happen in our lives. Even though infertility has been very difficult for us, we have remained strong together.


A Little More About Melanie:

I am a creative, caring person and I love babies, children, and dogs. I’m a photographer and a gardener. I often spend time outside, either in my garden or taking nature photographs. I’m currently in school for elementary education and I’m excited about becoming a teacher and continuing to have the kind of flexible schedule that will work very well with a young family. From a very early age I have loved kids and babies. I’ve always thought of myself as a mom first and foremost, and I can’t wait until that dream becomes reality. I’m very close to my family, and my two sisters are my best friends. I also have a strong bond with both my nephew, Nick and my niece, Ava. I’ve been lucky to develop very strong connections with each of them from the time they were babies. They bring me a lot of joy. I currently divide my time between school, substitute teaching, and caring for my niece, and another baby girl, Rebecca. I am a very happy, positive, and outgoing person. I cherish the relationships in my life more than anything.

A Little More About Michael:

I am a very technical guy and I love computers and science fiction. I am fun-loving and humorous, always trying to find ways to make people laugh. I work as a “Software Librarian” in the electronic banking industry. At work I am known for making co-workers laugh and for bringing a great sense of humor to my office. I am pretty skilled with computers and it makes me happy that I can help people when they have technical problems or computer issues. I also love watching movies and I am an avid reader, with a special love of graphic novels. Amongst our family and friends, I’m sort of like the “class clown,” always making jokes and keeping people entertained with my stories and interesting ideas. Melanie says I am often the life of the party, with weird and wacky information that I find in all sorts of bizarre places. When I’m around I like to make sure people are amused or laughing. Though I do have a knack for humor, Melanie also says I am a very comforting presence for her. She likes that she can rely on me through the good times and bad, and she says I make her feel safe.

After a lot of soul searching, Michael and I have decided what we want most is to have a family and experience all the joys and wonders of parenting side by side. We have many hopes and dreams for our future and we look forward to sharing our lives with the little boy or girl we will be blessed with. We are excited about days to come when we can nurture and support our future little ones as they grow into happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults. We want to help our future children be strong and successful. We want the child we adopt to have an ongoing relationship with you and your family as he or she grows. If you decide we are the right adoptive parents for your baby, we will welcome you, as well as your baby into our home and our hearts forever.

With all our love,

Michael and Melanie

The Cutest Boy I Ever Saw...

Wow...what fun it is to look back at my husband as a little boy! Hie eyes, eyebrows, and expressions are still the same some 30 years later! Strange to look as such a young face and still realize you know it so well. I'm making good progress on the childhood photos. I've gotten them all scanned in and I'll start working on our book during the next couple of days.

The Perils of Paperwork

Well we're in the thick of it - paperwork! Of course it's taken us MUCH longer than we anticipated to complete this leg of our journey but this is difficult stuff and, like most everyone we know, we're busy people. Some of the questions are elaborate and so extensive that I haven't even ever considered them myself before. The document we're working on (the biggest part of the overall bundle of forms and paperwork we will turn in to Elly) is four pages long and that's just for the questions. We're about 90% done with it and the beast is already 16 pages long. I'm trying hard to remember that all this introspection is going to make us better parents in the long run but sometimes it's hard to keep a positive frame of mind.

Michael and I had "words" earlier today because this whole process is just overwhelming and stressful and we tend to handle the stresses differently. The questions require extensive thought about all kinds of things - from childhood and beyond. Here are just a few examples:

1. The values by which you were raised; which parent you resemble the most, significant childhood memories:
2. Your family - by whom you were raised and with whom you lived throughout your childhood; number of siblings; number of siblings currently living and your relationship with them:
3. The “how and who” of discipline in your family; behaviors or rules expected of you; family mottos:
4. The most fulfilling personal experience you have had as an individual; the situations that bring you tears or laughter, happiness or sadness; the events that have caused you the most disappointment in life and what you would like to achieve in the future:

So an on and so forth, through just about every imaginable topic. At one point Michael got frustrated and said, "why do they need to know all this stuff anyway?" I didn't have a great answer for him except that they're trying to get to know us so that they can ensure we'll be good parents, and so they can help us find a birth family we'll be strongly compatible with. Whatever! There's not much to do except get it done...and we're close to that mark...but this is just plain overwhelming and I'm tired!

Lull

There seems to be a quietness--a lull in our adoption process that is a little unsettling for me. Most of it has to do with money since our biggest objective right now is to save enough money to proceed with the next set of services we need. But there is also the paperwork we're working on. Even though adoption is one of our highest priorities we are both finding it difficult to complete the required paperwork without feeling overwhelmed. My strategy is to plug away at it one tiny piece at a time until I get it done but Michael's seems to be to procrastinate all together. I guess one thing we really need (who doesn't, right?) is more time. In particular more time together. Maybe we'll have to schedule a day off together so we can work on this stuff, who knows? I guess I'm just struggling with the balance of it all. Life is busy and crazy even when there aren't big things like this in the works.

Right at the moment I feel as though I'm standing at the base of a large mountain with no sure idea of when or how I'm going to make it to the top. I guess all of these feelings are normal with such big life changes...?

To top it off I drank WAY too much coffee WAY too late last night and I cannot sleep for the life of me! Even though I know the rest of today is going to be exhausting and at some point in the next 24 hours I'm simply going to crash I cannot get myself to stop processing. Irritating!

Melba

Two days to go...

until our adoptive parenting classes begin! I turned in our application and fee Monday so it's official now.

Today I'm feeling a little...nervous maybe...or anxious if there's a difference. I don't know quite what to expect from these classes. I've read all the information there is on them and I know what I think they're about but I don't know...I'm just feeling edgy about Saturday at the moment.

I think the whole process of emotions I'm going through relating to our adoption plan is so strange. I've thought for a long time that adoption was the right choice for us but I've had a harder time convincing Michael of that. Now that we've finally reached this place together I am experiencing such a wide range of feelings.

There is joy and excitement at the forefront but not far behind them lies fear and nervous anticipation. I guess I'm stressed about what the road ahead will bring and how we will handle all the many twists and turns along the way. Then of course there is some sense of sadness. While I know this doesn't have to be an end to the road we've been on it does feel like an end.

We are completely changing our tactic and pouring our resources, tangible and otherwise into a completely different entity than we have been for such a long, long time now. Some days I just feel very overwhelmed by all the emotions I have. And other days I only feel happy and relieved that we are pursuing adoption. I guess it's all normal stuff but I don't really know since I don't know anyone else (yet) who's in the same place we are.

who knows...