Life After Baby, Part 1: The Marriage

There are a handful of truly significant changes in life, the birth of a new baby among them. Ever since Charlie's sudden, yet joyful entrance into our lives, there have been a number of change-related posts I've wanted to write. Now that we are beginning to settle into our new reality a bit more, I've decided to write a series of posts about how our lives have been transformed. The first topic on my mind, also perhaps the most important, is our marriage.

Please note that I am writing from the heart here, and sharing our experiences as I have lived them...I hope none of this comes off as though I'm complaining, because nothing could be further from the truth!

When we brought Charlie home, we had been married almost exactly 12 years and four months. That's a long time with just the two of us, which has turned out to be both sweet and sour. On one hand, the fact that we've got such a solid foundation upon which to stand has meant that our transition has been easier. We have a lot of happy times and good memories to lean on when we are missing "us" a little bit.

And it's true, I do miss us as a couple sometimes.

I love and cherish every moment with Charlie, but I also miss the time just hanging out with my husband and doing nothing...or just going with the flow without having to consider how our decisions will affect our little person. Especially as "Mommy," the primary doer where Charlie is concerned, I find that I'm almost always preoccupied with what's going on with Charlie at least a little bit. Unless I'm sleeping, I'm rarely completely relaxed anymore. I do relax, but even when I'm in downtime mode, I'm contemplating what's coming next in Charlie's world, if that makes any sense. All that being said, and without tooting my own horn too much, I think I'm one of the more laid back moms out there.

We have been on one "date night" since Charlie's birth, when he was about two months old. We had a good time, but Michael actually surprised me that night by saying he didn't understand why we needed a night for just us, when Charlie could have just as easily been with us. At the time my feelings were hurt. There I was, trying so hard to balance myself between wife and mother, doing what I thought I 'should' do, and my husband was basically telling me he thought our date night was stupid. But...that was an enlightening moment for me at the same time that it was hurtful: Wake up call...Michael is missing Charlie! I get so busy going about my days with Charlie that I forget Michael is missing time with him while he's away at work. We try to meet for lunches when it works out, and sometimes I take Charlie to the library to visit Michael while he's working, but that's still not enough.

And that brings me to my next point - the whole work versus home balance. One thing has become crystal clear since Charlie's arrival, and that is that Michael and I are drastically out of balance where this is concerned. He works two jobs so that I can continue my education, while I do most if not all of the work around the house. This was a joint decision we made years ago; however, my educational path has been longer than I initially anticipated. I am at the point now where I am frustrated, and I really can't wait to have a "real" job again. Even though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, I do carry a lot of guilt over the fact that I pull very little financial weight in our marriage. And it's me who makes me feel this way, not my husband. He works way too much, and he is often exhausted when he gets home at night, but he's rarely got a chip on his shoulder about our situation.

Why is it that women struggle with guilt so much...or is it just me?

The other part of that package is that I also feel some resentment over the fact that the weight of all the chores is on my shoulders. In particular since Charlie's birth, mowing the yard and taking care of both outside and inside has become overwhelming for me. Things aren't getting done, and it's piling up. I feel as though we need outside help, but that's most definitely not within our budget at this stage of the game. I think Michael and I both feel unappreciated by one another at times, and we could both stand to work a little harder at finding and naming the value we each add to the mix. Sometimes I feel as though we are a house of cards, and if either one of us stops doing what we're doing, it's all going to come tumbling down. Perhaps that's a bit melodramatic, but I have felt it a time or two these past couple of months.

I think I'm almost done with this installment of "Life After Baby," but this post wouldn't be complete without me mentioning my observations that when it comes to babies and child care, men and women are very different! When Michael first went back to work, we had a slight glitch because when he would get home at night, I was handing Charlie over the second he walked through the door. I was under the assumption that's what Michael would want, since that's what I feel like I would want if I was working outside the home all day. It took one serious discussion, and a few more hurt feelings before I understood that what Michael wants/needs when he gets home is to have a few minutes to himself before he takes Charlie. It's not that he doesn't want to see the baby, it's just that he needs that few minutes of debriefing time first. Now that we've sorted this out, we have a pretty workable routine, but it took effort on both our parts to get to this point.

There are also differences in the way we interact with and care for Charlie, as well as how we prioritize. I try to take a step back and let Michael do things his way, but sometimes I have to bite my tongue a bit as he's figuring it all out. As he put it during one of our "discussions," I've been preparing for this time of our lives since I was 12, while he's only just getting started. Sometimes I feel that he over-complicates things, or makes them more difficult than they need to be. By that same token, I was feeling that Michael was being somewhat oblivious to the things that needed to be done around the house and/or for Charlie. After we've been out and about, Michael has a tendency to get home and go about his business, forgetting the fact that we have a baby boy for whom we need to care. I don't think this is intentional at all, I think it's just a habit born of so many years as just the two of us. There was never anyone else to consider before, and we are both having to make mental adjustments to find our harmony. I have fond myself increasingly falling into the role of director where I'm constantly asking him to do things when what I really want is for him to look around, see that there are dirty bottles on the counter (as one example) and voluntarily do something about it.

The good news is that things are smoothing out a bit...slowly but surely we are getting there! We are becoming a lot more adept at discussing these matters without one of us having our feelings hurt, or getting angry. Communication is so very important in marriage, and especially where children are concerned. In August, Michael will be starting a new schedule at his second job where he will work several less hours per week. We will still have to work hard to strike a balance between time for us as a couple, time as a family, and individual time for each of us, but this change will make a significantly positive difference for us. Then will come another big transition when I head back to school full time this fall. I'm nervous about the logistics of all that, and incorporating child care into our mix, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

For now, we are taking things one day at a time, and enjoying this special time in our lives as new parents of the most wonderful little boy on the planet. Even though the change has come with it's fair share of upheaval, we are happier and more fulfilled than we have ever been. We are so grateful for the precious gift Charlie is, and we will never become complacent, or forget what it was like to be without him...to be longing for him with every ounce of our being, every day of our lives.