Will the Sun Finally Come?

Well I have to be honest...I've been keeping my distance from the blogosphere as of late because I'm still kind of having a hard time. I can't seem to shake the general feeling of sadness I've been carrying around these past few weeks. I'm quite certain this is mostly due to my not being around kids as much, for they are my great distraction and relief from my own lack of children. This is a hard summer for me, the first in a long time that I've been...well...basically alone.

Even though I'm NOT alone and I do know how very much I'm blessed in this life. This post is not meant to be a complaint, a pity party, or a plea for others to feel sorry for me. I just have to get some of this out of my system. In fact I think I might even try to find someone to talk to, so to speak. I went to a counselor a long time ago, back when I was in my early 20's and honestly I haven't really felt the need since then...but lately...well those feelings are changing. Last night I had dreams of my dogs dying, repeated dreams that felt so real they broke my heart. The details are fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure I was really crying in my sleep. Today I just feel very blah and sad...like the dreams were real even though I know they were not.

I know I have a lot of catching up to do on all the blogs I normally read almost daily. I promise I'll make my rounds again soon.

Our adoption book is going to get fixed. After talking to the people who made it, the conclusion was reached that the issues we had with the binding were a manufacturing defect. So they will reprint the book and refund us the initial fee we paid. Actually one book looks much better than the other and I think we're going to see if we can go ahead and turn that one in next week and then give them the duplicate copy once it comes in. I have to talk to Elly and see what she thinks about all this. I think...no I know I will feel a lot better once we are in the pool and all these frustrating technical difficulties are no longer hanging over our heads.

Anyway...I don't have much more to say, I just needed to vent. I am so thankful we're not in Iowa (and I've been praying for those who are every day,) but I am tired of so much rain. Two summer events I've been to recently have been canceled due to inclement weather. The trend is getting old and I'm feeling much like they sky looks...gray and pouty.

My Own Personal Flood

No...I'm not in Iowa and {luckily} our basement isn't flooding right now, despite the large amount of rain we've had recently. For those two things I am grateful. But for some reason I can't shake the overall feeling of sadness I've had hanging over me these past several days.

I've been thinking a lot about life and death and the inevitability of it all. I think what first set me off is the realization that our puppy--our fur baby, Ditto is aging. She's eight now, going on nine...and she's starting to show her years. This little dog has been my baby. Simply put, I cannot imagine my life without her...and yet I know those days will come. When you get a pet, you pretty much know that (barring some freak accident) you will outlive that pet. But that realization doesn't actually hit home until you start to see the age in your beloved pet's eyes. Ditto is fine, really...she should still have several good years with us, but I guess I am hypersensitive to her changes because of how much I've loved her all these years. Without her I really feel like my heart would have shriveled up into a bitter, twisted little ball by now. Clearly I'm being overly dramatic but I just feel...so very sad right now.

The other factor is the silence in my house these days. Normally during the school year I care for my niece and another little girl here in my home three days a week. Both of their mothers work in the schools and now that school is out, my services are no longer needed. This is new for me this summer. In the past I had another little girl whose family wasn't affiliated with the schools so I cared for her all year. Plus my own school is out, except for one math class, so I'm not nearly as busy with my own activities as I have been for the past several months. I still see the kids in question, I am lucky in that regard, but it's just not the same. There is something different about having them here with me and having them all to myself than there is about seeing them for a few hours from time to time. I can't explain it any better than that. A lot of people who are infertile try to stay away from kids and keep any reminders of them at bay, but my coping strategy has been the exact opposite. For me, the more kids I can be around, the less preoccupied I am with my own lack of children, hence the happier I feel.

On top of all this...my dear friend (the mother of the other little girl I care for) and her family are moving away at the end of this summer. I am happy for them, because this change is one they've been longing for, but I'm so very sad they are leaving. I am going to miss them more than mere words can describe. It's not like we won't still be friends, but things are always different from a distance, they just are. All through my childhood my family was the one who moved away. I've lived in Michigan now for 15 years, and I guess that's a long time...now I'm the one being left behind. This is all foreign to me. Another close friend moved away a year ago and now this one, plus there have been several other people (just not quite as close) who have moved away over the past couple of years. I guess it's the changes I don't like. Change is inevitable but hard. I'm struggling with this and it is adding to my sadness.

Then there's adoption. Mostly I feel happy, but in an odd way I also feel sad. Our agency sent out an email this week (an email!!!) about a little baby who was deprived of oxygen for several minutes right after birth. The hospital used cold pack therapy to try and minimize any damage to her brain, but of course the extent of that will not be known until she begins to develop more. Well...because of the medical intervention...the family who was going to adopt this little one decided to back out. I guess there was some conflict with their own religious views and the medical treatment the baby received. SO...cut to the email I received...this sweet baby will need a new home. Her case will probably be handled as a "safe delivery," which is a law in Michigan (maybe in other states too?) that allows any birth parent to relinquish their newborn to any hospital, church, police officer, or fire station within 72 hours after birth, no questions asked. So after being gone all day long Monday, I got home and found THAT waiting in my inbox. Our adoption specialist is out of town right now and the birth parent specialist is doing both jobs. I'm not sure WHY this kind of information was sent out in email form, and I'm especially not sure why we received it since WE'RE NOT EVEN OFFICIALLY IN THE POOL YET. My heart aches for that little baby. We would open our home to her in a heartbeat (as I'm sure MANY other people waiting to adopt would) but we can't yet because of a few small formalities. And meanwhile this baby is in the hospital with no one holding her as I am here, heartbroken because I have no sweet baby to hold. SOMETIMES THE IRONIES OF LIFE ARE JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH FOR ME!!! I love our agency and I have no other complaints about them, but how could they send such delicate/sensitive information via email?? Why did they do that?? I know the caseworker must have been overwhelmed and was probably doing the best she could...but seriously...she sent that above information out to a group of people who are all aching to become parents. HOW INSENSITIVE IS THAT?!!!

At times like this I have to take a deep breath and remember that I am where I am supposed to be and that things happen for a reason. I know it will all make sense someday when I look into the face of the child we have waited all these years to parent. Intellectually I know that, but emotionally I feel drained and pretty much like I don't know if I can wait one more day to become a mother. And yet I have no choice, so here I sit and here I am, waiting and nearly about to drown myself in sorrow. Normally I try to be positive and happy, but I just don't have it in me right now.

Beginnings

I was reading back over my first post here on this blog just now and it made me realize...we've actually come a long way since then. My hair's grown out quite a bit too! It's pretty cool to be able to look back over our journey to this point and realize where we were a little less than a year ago.

The decision to pursue adoption has been freeing for me in so many ways. I was just explaining to a friend the other day what some of my worst infertility treatments were like. The mere memory was enough to exhaust me! I am SO GLAD...and SO THANKFUL that those days are behind us now. I know that when we do finally get the chance to become parents we are going to understand what all the waiting has been about.

I've been reading so many blogs lately and the personal stories and connections with other people who have walked or are walking this road is truly invaluable. As I read, and think, and then write my own story, I realize I am exactly where I should be. Even though the road has been long, winding, and sometimes full of angst and pain...even though I absolutely do not understand why the goal of parenthood is so easy for some and so difficult for others...I have been able to find so much value in connecting with fellow adopters. Speaking of this...Michael and I are heading to a BBQ picnic later this afternoon. Some former adoptive parents from our agency have recently started up a support group, and we're so close to being in the pool that we've decided to check it out. I'm somewhat nervous, but I also think it will be good for us to go. Hey...if nothing else we'll get to enjoy hamburgers, etc. together on a warm summer afternoon...I can't complain!

This was not meant to be such a long entry, gees! I woke up again to let the dogs out and have gotten a little side tracked. This time, at least, I AM tired...so I'm off to dreamland once again. I'll post updates of how our BBQ goes!