Thursday, July 3, 2008

Will the Sun Finally Come?

Well I have to be honest...I've been keeping my distance from the blogosphere as of late because I'm still kind of having a hard time. I can't seem to shake the general feeling of sadness I've been carrying around these past few weeks. I'm quite certain this is mostly due to my not being around kids as much, for they are my great distraction and relief from my own lack of children. This is a hard summer for me, the first in a long time that I've been...well...basically alone.

Even though I'm NOT alone and I do know how very much I'm blessed in this life. This post is not meant to be a complaint, a pity party, or a plea for others to feel sorry for me. I just have to get some of this out of my system. In fact I think I might even try to find someone to talk to, so to speak. I went to a counselor a long time ago, back when I was in my early 20's and honestly I haven't really felt the need since then...but lately...well those feelings are changing. Last night I had dreams of my dogs dying, repeated dreams that felt so real they broke my heart. The details are fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure I was really crying in my sleep. Today I just feel very blah and the dreams were real even though I know they were not.

I know I have a lot of catching up to do on all the blogs I normally read almost daily. I promise I'll make my rounds again soon.

Our adoption book is going to get fixed. After talking to the people who made it, the conclusion was reached that the issues we had with the binding were a manufacturing defect. So they will reprint the book and refund us the initial fee we paid. Actually one book looks much better than the other and I think we're going to see if we can go ahead and turn that one in next week and then give them the duplicate copy once it comes in. I have to talk to Elly and see what she thinks about all this. I I know I will feel a lot better once we are in the pool and all these frustrating technical difficulties are no longer hanging over our heads.

Anyway...I don't have much more to say, I just needed to vent. I am so thankful we're not in Iowa (and I've been praying for those who are every day,) but I am tired of so much rain. Two summer events I've been to recently have been canceled due to inclement weather. The trend is getting old and I'm feeling much like they sky looks...gray and pouty.


Rebekah said...

Hang in there Melba girl. YOU my friend are not alone. Your words sound so familiar. Just three months ago I was in the same state. I hate using the "d" word (depression) because I've been so trained to think a woman of God can't experience it. Now looking back, I know I was stuck under a miserable cloud of depression for a long time. It was suffocating and eating me alive. Even then I recognized the problem...but I just couldn't find a way to get back. My only solace was brand new mornings. I would take a deep breath each morning and will it to be a better day.

I feel like a broken record--and I may have told you this already--but my best advice is to keep pushing through. My only saving grace through my valley were sweet Holy Spirit words that I often heard whispered in my ear..."push through the pain." That was my life motto for months. Push through...push through...when you want to cry, when you want to scream, when you want to curl up in a ball...pick yourself up and PUSH through.

I know that's not very concrete advice, but it's all I know. Keep going...know that there ARE sunny days on the other side, no matter how dark the skies seem.


Becky said...

Melba, I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Like Rebekah, I've been there too and I know exactly what you describe. I pretty much stayed in a depressed like state, for nearly 7 years! The entire time we were TTC. It got better while we were waiting to adopt although, the waiting...more waiting...was very difficult for me! I definately still had my very down times until my first child was placed in my arms.
I agree, I just had to keep pushing through! I had to rely on my faith, and the strength of my husband, a LOT!
There is nothing wrong wih seeking and talking to a person outside of the situation who can give you wise, godly counsel! Get that if you feel it would help!
You mention not being around kids making it worse. For me, often being around them made it worse! Funny how we all need different things during our time of waiting! See where you might could serve this summer around children. Can you volunteer at a hospital? summer school? Children's activities at a church?

I will be praying for you and your tender heart right now! Hang in there! You can do it and it will be soooo worth it!

Nancy said...

I think you're on the right track in thinking you need to talk to someone. Sometimes, we just can't get through these difficult times on our own, and sharing our situation with others often brings clarity. The worst thing you can do is let this pain swallow you up. Depression is very real, and it can take over your life if you let it.

I know you can get through it and I'll be thinking of you.