Be Glad You Adopted...

So today was the day I received the first blatantly ignorant comment from someone when she found out I'm an adoptive mom.

This little exchange occured during my not-so-favorite class, math. We were doing introductions and after walking around and exchanging pieces of paper with three personal facts about ourselves with each other, this is what the girl said to me:

"Just be glad you adopted because man - having to give birth to a baby hurts like hell."

Really? I just smiled blandly at her and said, "An entirely different kind of pain." At that point, I think it was fairly obvious that I was annoyed, and she attempted to make more small talk with me. To be fair, this girl is extremely young, and quite probably simply doesn't know any better. But seriously?

And the really annoying thing is that I've been letting her comment bother me all day, which bothers me even more. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I wish I'd said, "Oh I am very glad we adopted, but that has absolutely nothing to do with my wish to avoid physical pain."

I wish people could be more informed and less blatantly ignorant. I wish they could see and understand that while adoption also creates families, it is really not comparable to child birth at all. And pain? I wish I had said, "Yeah...let's talk about pain." I certainly can't claim to have gone through any physical pain close to child birth, but I'd wager millions that the girl from my class can't hold a candle to the emotional wars through which I've come either.

Whatever. There is nothing to do but process today's events and move on. And of course, try to educate my new classmate when future opportunities present themselves...

The Whole Privacy Thing...

Recently a lot of the bloggers on my blogroll have decided to go private. While I completely understand and respect that decision, it is kind of leaving me with an unsettled feeling.

I don't really feel the urge to go private, don't really want to go private, but maybe I should want to? Maybe I'm weird because I don't really hold back much? The pictures are probably the only thing I really worry about. Mostly since that ridiculous news story a while back about the picture that was stolen from a family blog...

But - especially now that we have Charlie, the whole point of this blog is for me to share. Share our experiences, share our lives, and share the joy we have in our son. I feel like going private would somehow change blogging for me in a bad way.

Then there is the anti-adoption hate garbage that's been happening around here lately. Honestly, this just makes me sick! I do not, and will never understand how there are people out there who feel vindicated by attacking others. Especially others like some of you. Sweet and caring people who are trying to do their best given the circumstances they face. I just don't get it, and this whole thing makes me really, really mad. I want to fight back, but instead I am watching as one by one, many of my favorite blogs are forced to go underground. It's ridiculous, and I wish they--those anonymous idiots--didn't have that much power over us.

Whatever. It is what it is. I can completely understand why those of you who are now private have done what you've done. You have made me think about it myself, and to be honest...I'm still thinking on this one. I guess the bottom line is that I just wish I...we...could feel safe. Safe to be ourselves and share our experiences without all the worry and fear.

Joy and Sorrow

Wow, what a week it's been in blogland! This adoption stuff can be one heck of a crazy roller coaster at times. Tonight I'm feeling a little melancholy. I've been absolutely elated for E, with the wonderful news of her recent match, and that great news came on the heels of good news for RB too.

But then, as is always a risk with this journey, RB got the news we all dread: a failed match. And worse yet, this is the second time they have had to go through this turmoil. Somehow that just doesn't seem fair to me. I just feel so heavy and sad for her, and I can't even imagine the magnitude of her pain.

Then there's Kel, who is waiting for news right now, and who waits so patiently in general. She has had a rather tumultuous few weeks with lots of adoption drama going on, and my heart goes out to her. Ashley also wrote a beautiful post about the journey she has been through this past year, going from thinking she was going to lose her son to the realization that he was going to be placed with them after all. What a beautiful story and heartwarming post!

Then there are also recent posts from Sarah and Jessie, both of whom are dealing with the loss of their mothers, amongst many other challenges. Both of these women seem incredibly strong to me, and they remind me that every day is special, and that bitching about the insignificant stuff in life is truly a waste of time and energy.

I guess tonight I'm just feeling unsettled. There has been tremendous joy and sorrow all in this one week, and it's left me feeling really emotional. I'm definitely counting my blessings, and saying a lot of prayers (both of thanks, and for healing) for all of you out there. Honestly when I started blogging, it was for me. Well...for me, and for my family so they could follow our journey. Now it's so much more than that. I still tell our story, and I blog for Charlie now too...but I LOVE the connections that have happened here. I feel as though I know so many of you on a truly personal level, and that is pretty cool considering the distances that lie between us.

Maybe Next Time...

Well, we have had a rather tumultuous 24 hours or so. Last night as I was sitting in math class, I got a call...you guys know the call. Only, it wasn't quite the call. It was from the birth parent counselor at our agency. She told me about a baby girl who was born this past weekend. She was 7-10 weeks premature, but "otherwise healthy." She was/is in the N-ICU at the hospital about seven miles from our house. For a moment I thought it was the call. Then we were told the birth parents would be looking at pofiles last night. We had very limited information upon which to base a quick decision about whether or not to be shown. Of course we wanted to be shown, and we were. By the time I managed to sit through the rest of class (in a complete daze) and get home, there was an email update from our CW:

"...for those of you who have already agreed to have your letter and album shown to the birth mother of the premature baby girl--J. will be meeting with her tomorrow morning at which time she and her boyfriend will be looking at letters and albums. IF SHE CHOOSES TO MEET YOU, I WILL BE CALLING YOU AT AROUND 11 AM TOMORROW MORNING. YOU WILL HAVE TO BE AT THE AGENCY BY NOON TO MEET WITH THEM." J. and I know that this is ridiculously fast-crazy, but it's the best we can do in this situation. So stay tuned, and I'll be in touch."

So it was with that information that we went to bed last night. We didn't talk about it much, I don't think either one of us really knew what to say or exactly how to process the situation. Suffice it to say I don't think either one of us slept very well. I knew I needed to stay guarded, and be careful, but as you all know, that is much easier said than done.

This was unlike anything we've experienced as yet throughout this process. This was the first time I received information through a phone call rather than an email. This was the first time there was a real, already born baby girl in the picture. How my heart was aching for her last night, and for her whole situation. Even if we weren't the couple who was supposed to be there with her, I wanted someone to be there.

This morning unfolded at a slow crawl that was utterly unsettling. I had called my parents last night to tell them, just so I could tell someone...but we didn't want to say too much too soon, so we left it at that. Then I took my parents to the airport this morning for their trip to CA. It was nice to see them in person, and to get to talk to them about the "almost baby girl." I think we were all dreaming a bit. By the time 11:00 a.m. rolled around, I sort of already knew this time wasn't our time. That hunch was confirmed by around 12:40 p.m. (not that anyone was counting) when our CW called to tell us the birth parents had chosen another couple.

So the rest of the day has been spent feeling alternately OK, and being completely downtrodden. Of course that has been mixed in with Michael working his two jobs, and me studying for my last three final exams. One thing we both decided is that we need to get a car seat! Having this happen...this so close experience...has made us realize just how unprepared we really are. I think that one item will be moving up on our to-do list in the very near future!

So that's that...there's really nothing more to say. For the people who were chosen, I am very happy. This whole experience was THE experience for someone, and that is awesome. I wish them, and that baby girl a lifetime of happiness and health. Everyone keeps saying that one of these times it really will be our turn. Even though I don't really believe that at the moment, this experience did make me realize that you just never know what is in store or what will happen or when. I feel oddly hopeful and heartbroken all at the same time.

"Due Date"

Today was our "due date" on the baby registry. Today was the day I originally projected that we would have our little baby...or at least news of him/her. Admittedly, I just picked the date randomly because 13 is our lucky number, and April seemed like a nice, happy month...but still.

I'm not going to waste time repeating stuff I've already said...I'm just quietly observing that today things are not where I want them to be. They are far from that mark I have set, but even so, they are still good. We're hanging in there, and we will survive...we're just both having a hard time with this wait lately, and it's bringing us down.

Michael is normally so even-tempered and laid back. Sometimes I forget that this is affecting him too--that it's hard for him too. But lately he's been down, which makes me sad.

Anyway, I just want to say thank you to all of you who commented on my last post. Reading it now, it seems pretty bleak...but that is how I was feeling. I am better now, but still not up to my typical happiness level. Your support, encouragement and advice means the world to me, so THANK YOU!

This too shall pass...

Bursting at the Seems

Tonight I am screaming from the inside out, I am SO SICK of waiting!!! I feel frustrated and angry and left behind and just generally like my life is standing still while everyone else is spinning in happy little circles around me. I know I hardly have room to complain. I know there are many people out there who have far worse situations with which to cope. I get that. I know there are many people out there who have far better and more positive attitudes than I do right now. I am just so very frustrated, and so very fed up with this whole drawn out and overwhelming process!!!

I had to call BRU and change the "due date" on our baby registry yesterday. I can't explain why exactly, but that just set me off. It's a simple thing, inconsequential really, but it irked me to the core. BRU really needs to have a special registry for prospective adoptive parents so they don't have to specify a due date. Why can't we just put TBD? Seriously, with all the technology available these days you'd think that would be possible.

I'm also bothered because we now have to get our home study and paperwork updated. Even though we weren't officially active in the pool until July last year (due to the time it took me to create our profile letter and album,) our home study was done in April. HOW IS IT APRIL ALREADY??? I just didn't want to have to do these things, I wanted to have our baby by now. I know I sound like a pouty, whiny b*tch, but I'm sick of internalizing all this crap so I can put on yet another happy face that I don't really feel. My soul feels unsettled lately and it's really pulling me down. WHERE IS OUR BABY LOVE???

The other huge thing that has been heavily weighing on me lately (all puns intended!) is that I have been thinking a lot more about weight loss surgery (WLS.) Even after reading a book about it and going to a consultation at a WLS clinic near us, I am left feeling conflicted and unsure about the whole thing. This is really a post for another day, because it stirs up so many feelings that I don't...or maybe even can't share. Weight has been a lifelong battle for me, it's not like this is the first time I've thought about surgery. I think what's bugging me though, is that this is the first time I've thought about it this seriously, and I think adoption is at the core of that conundrum. There are many reasons why I think WLS might possibly be the right path for me to take, but to be perfectly honest, I don't know how, nor do I feel even remotely qualified to make a decision of this magnitude. And then there's the part of me that thinks (like BB said in a previous comment) that maybe our match will happen because of our struggles with weight rather than in spite of them. I want to be happy and healthy and live my best life, both now and in the future when I'm a mom, isn't that what everyone wants? But would losing my weight guarantee that I would be happier? NO...it wouldn't guarantee anything at all, and it might very well be a big mistake that I would later regret. I think I just think too much, and I probably just need to let it all sit for a while now that I've obtained so much new information.

As I stated in a previous post, all this self-doubt and wavering back and forth is really out of character for me, which is unsettling. Sometimes I don't feel there is anyone with whom I can really talk about all this stuff, which is more my fault than theirs. I have a really hard time voicing some of these thoughts and feelings, especially verbally and in person. Whatever...it just is what it is, and I have to realize that whatever is going to happen will happen one way or another. I'm certainly not a fatalist by any stretch of the imagination, but I do think that sometimes "freedom of choice" seems a lot more consequential than it really is.

I'm done for now.

Deflated

Lately I've been feeling pretty good, but these last couple days...it's like someone deflated my balloon. I can't pinpoint one thing that's gotten me down, other than the strong likelihood that my mood is largely in response to the monsoon-like weather Michigan has had recently. I actually enjoy the rain, but this has been a little too much for me. We had over two inches of rain this past weekend, complete with a flooded basement, and it's still coming down tonight. *Sigh*

The situation I mentioned in this post turned into another "no." Without going into details, I will say that my very first thought at hearing that news was one of relief more than anything else. That definitely tells you something. Still, every "no" also comes with some sadness for me. In theory, I do know our time will come, but practically speaking, this wait feels eternal.

I fear that I may become bitter the longer this takes. The rejection never gets any easier, no matter what the situation entails, but my reaction changes a little each time. The inevitable tears I cry take a little longer to arrive each subsequent time we receive the same basic email from our CW. They always sound similar, and basically say something to the effect of, "I know this is difficult, but so-and-so has chosen another family..." The more times I read those words, the more detached my reaction becomes. Maybe this is a healthy/normal defense mechanism, but it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

In any case, our wait continues and I'm just plugging away. As miserable as I sound in this post, I'm really not. I am tired tonight, and therefore may be feeling a little more on edge than normal, but for the most part I'm just "walking along the plateau" (thanks to BB for that) of this journey.

The Truth

The truth is that sometimes the truth hurts. I've been one part extremely busy and one part extremely sad, hence the reason I've been away from the blogosphere for the past week or so. I'm sorry to all of you whose blogs I haven't read recently. I played a little catch up today and am feeling like a better blogging buddy now. :)

As for my sadness, I'm making progress in getting over our last bit of disappointing news from the agency. I don't know what in the world I was thinking, but I was thoroughly convinced that was our baby, even though it was our first time being shown and we only had a one in six chance. My hopes were sky high and I was very worked up. It was hard for me to hear we weren't chosen. Harder than it should have been, I think. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. I've read some stories where people just move on and barely flinch when they aren't chosen--I admire the complete and utter faith some of you have. Sometimes I wish I could say the same for myself. I mean, I do have faith, but sometimes it feels rather fragile and shaky--not at all like the armor I know it is for some people. I guess it's just that I've wanted this - motherhood for so long now that sometimes I honestly feel like I can't wait another day. I know my time will come when the time is right, and I have absolutely NO control over when that will be, but that knowledge doesn't make this part of the process any easier.

Luckily I am busy these days, head-spinningly so. My semester has been a whirlwind lately, and when I'm not at school I'm either getting my feet wet with subbing jobs or doing homework. All this activity is supposed to make waiting easier, right? Right!

Blah...

Better Luck Next Time...

Human hope is an amazing thing. Sometimes my capacity to have so much hope, even in the face of doubt and uncertainty scares me. That said, I realize hope has been a saving grace at many times in my life too.

The birthmom who was looking at our profile still isn't sure she's going to make an adoption plan, but if she does she has chosen another couple. I am having a hard time right now. I feel mostly sad, but also a little stupid for allowing myself to get so worked up about this. In some ways I wish I wouldn't have known we were being considered - then I wouldn't even know I'm supposed to feel sad right now! I was already imagining so many amazing things relating to THIS baby and THIS birthmom...I had myself completely convinced that this was "the one." Now I just feel like I'm stuck under a huge, gray cloud of sadness and disappointment. WHY did I do this to myself??? Our profile may be shown MANY more times before we are chosen...clearly I can't keep doing this every time a birthmom is considering us, I'll never make it through.

Whatever - I know there is still hope left over in my heart. "This too shall pass," as Ma B (my dad's mom) always used to say. Much like the days of infertility, right after another late period would start...I just have to give myself a little time to process this sadness, then I'll pick up the pieces and get back to the business of hoping for our "right time"--our baby to come soon. What else is there?

******Updated to attempt to answer a couple of questions from the comments:******

I was actually a little surprised when we were asked if we wanted to be shown to this birthmom in the first place. I found myself thinking OF COURSE we want to be shown. If our acceptability checklist matches her wishes ans situation then YES...we want to be shown, wasn't that the whole point to begin with?! I THINK our agency has the basic policy that if they have information to share they share it. I haven't spoken to our CW about any of this in person, only via email so this is all my own speculation. I am torn. I just read on another blog about a mistake that was made by an agency that caused an otherwise acceptable match to fall through. For this reason I think it's nice to be asked in advance if we want to be shown. That way we can be sure the situation is truly one with which we could feel comfortable. At the same time, knowing we were being considered was HARD and I'm not entirely sure I want to go through this up and down cycle every single time until "the one" finally happens. I guess I've always sort of envisioned getting a magical, life-changing call someday and then being lost in the whirlwind of impending motherhood. I never quite expected this much of a roller coaster! I still have a lot of processing to do about all of this. In one respect I can already see that this may have been a touchy situation. The birthmom doesn't sound AT ALL sure she wants to pursue adoption, which means she very well may change her mind when it's all said and done. I'm going to wait a few days and then I may talk to our CW about how all of this happened and whether or not the agency requires us to know about prospective birthmoms, or if there is some kind of choice in the matter for us.

Will the Sun Finally Come?

Well I have to be honest...I've been keeping my distance from the blogosphere as of late because I'm still kind of having a hard time. I can't seem to shake the general feeling of sadness I've been carrying around these past few weeks. I'm quite certain this is mostly due to my not being around kids as much, for they are my great distraction and relief from my own lack of children. This is a hard summer for me, the first in a long time that I've been...well...basically alone.

Even though I'm NOT alone and I do know how very much I'm blessed in this life. This post is not meant to be a complaint, a pity party, or a plea for others to feel sorry for me. I just have to get some of this out of my system. In fact I think I might even try to find someone to talk to, so to speak. I went to a counselor a long time ago, back when I was in my early 20's and honestly I haven't really felt the need since then...but lately...well those feelings are changing. Last night I had dreams of my dogs dying, repeated dreams that felt so real they broke my heart. The details are fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure I was really crying in my sleep. Today I just feel very blah and sad...like the dreams were real even though I know they were not.

I know I have a lot of catching up to do on all the blogs I normally read almost daily. I promise I'll make my rounds again soon.

Our adoption book is going to get fixed. After talking to the people who made it, the conclusion was reached that the issues we had with the binding were a manufacturing defect. So they will reprint the book and refund us the initial fee we paid. Actually one book looks much better than the other and I think we're going to see if we can go ahead and turn that one in next week and then give them the duplicate copy once it comes in. I have to talk to Elly and see what she thinks about all this. I think...no I know I will feel a lot better once we are in the pool and all these frustrating technical difficulties are no longer hanging over our heads.

Anyway...I don't have much more to say, I just needed to vent. I am so thankful we're not in Iowa (and I've been praying for those who are every day,) but I am tired of so much rain. Two summer events I've been to recently have been canceled due to inclement weather. The trend is getting old and I'm feeling much like they sky looks...gray and pouty.

Physicals

So we had our adoption physicals yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I was fearing it might be but still a little uncomfortable to dredge up all the known issues we have and basically put them down on paper. I left feeling a little (maybe even a lot) depressed but on the drive back to Ypsi from Dexter Michael was able to cheer me up.

I guess what upset me so much is the intensity of it all. We got to that doctors office at 3:30 and didn't leave until 6:15. I guess it's normal as a prospective adoptive parent to feel a huge sense of unfairness. We have to go through so much to start our family while other people (many of whom shouldn't) are reproducing like nobody's business. It seems like such a typical thing to say...and we all know life isn't always fair. I guess I almost feel a lack of entitlement to my own feelings and that makes all of this that much more complicated.

The things is--NO ONE is perfect. Every parent has some flaws and some bad behaviors they will inevitably pass on to their kids. One of our biggest flaws (or life challenges if you will) is our weight, which is right there on the surface for everyone to see. Alcoholics can hide their behaviors; even mentally unstable people can seem stable enough on the surface. When you're overweight and struggling with food on a daily basis there is no hiding that. Of course I already know it's an issue I face and I know I need to work on it so having it thrown in my face made me feel bad.

A large part of the adoption process is looking on the inside and seriously evaluating the kind of person you are, both physically and emotionally. That's hard. On the flip side, I do have to remind myself that we will be better parents in the long run because of all the questioning and paperwork we must go through to get there--there is some comfort in that for me. I guess there's nothing for it but to keep on keeping on, breaking all our tasks into more manageable chunks and getting them done, one by one.

Melba