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Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Truth

The truth is that sometimes the truth hurts. I've been one part extremely busy and one part extremely sad, hence the reason I've been away from the blogosphere for the past week or so. I'm sorry to all of you whose blogs I haven't read recently. I played a little catch up today and am feeling like a better blogging buddy now. :)

As for my sadness, I'm making progress in getting over our last bit of disappointing news from the agency. I don't know what in the world I was thinking, but I was thoroughly convinced that was our baby, even though it was our first time being shown and we only had a one in six chance. My hopes were sky high and I was very worked up. It was hard for me to hear we weren't chosen. Harder than it should have been, I think. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. I've read some stories where people just move on and barely flinch when they aren't chosen--I admire the complete and utter faith some of you have. Sometimes I wish I could say the same for myself. I mean, I do have faith, but sometimes it feels rather fragile and shaky--not at all like the armor I know it is for some people. I guess it's just that I've wanted this - motherhood for so long now that sometimes I honestly feel like I can't wait another day. I know my time will come when the time is right, and I have absolutely NO control over when that will be, but that knowledge doesn't make this part of the process any easier.

Luckily I am busy these days, head-spinningly so. My semester has been a whirlwind lately, and when I'm not at school I'm either getting my feet wet with subbing jobs or doing homework. All this activity is supposed to make waiting easier, right? Right!

Blah...

18 comments:

Reggie Boppy said...

I'm sorry you are taking this so hard Melba. The first rejection seems to be the hardest. All you can do is have faith the right baby is out there for you.

Ashley Jene said...

I understand it being tough having your first news be the incorrect answer (according to OUR beliefs!) I have been there, just three years ago! I actually finally just asked the agency to stop telling us when birthmothers were viewing our profile and just let us know when we were chosen. I couldn't take the rejection, and I didn't get over it. Some said it was because my faith was small, but it was just because all I ever wanted was to be a Mom. I knew God was in control, and in HIS time we would be parents...but that didn't make it any easier. But I promise you, it will make it that much sweeter when your baby comes home! There is a perfect bundle of joy out there for you, the birthmother may not even know that baby exsists yet...or that she will choose adoption, but when that baby comes to your home you will understand why you have not been chosen up to that point, because he or she is YOURS!

As we pray about finances to adopt again, I am not ready for the rollercoaster, but I am ready to be a Mommy to my perfect little baby again.

Good luck!

Twice Blessed by Adoption,
Ashley

Jamie said...

Melba ~ I've been worried about you and thought you might be feeling sad about your recent disappointment. I'm so sorry....
The first time we were shown and not chosen I felt the same way. Somehow I had convinced myself that this was the perfect situation for us and that we were going to be bringing a baby home in October (this was May)....how wrong I was. Now, not only has that birthmother not chosen us, but 3 others haven't as well. :( The sting never goes away, but I can say for myself it hasn't been quite as bad as the very first one. You will be okay.....I promise....and yes, I know the feeling of "not wanting or even feeling able to wait one more day". And those times are enough to put a person in a psych ward. I just got out of one of those "mud puddles". :) It feels good (for now) to be on the other side. We'll see how long that lasts.
We are being shown to an expectant coupld right now. I don't know when they will choose.....I'm just waiting for that dreaded e-mail telling me they've chosen someone else.....
I actually prefer to know when we are being shown. It gives me something to look forward to or it helps me feel like there's a true opportunity. Also, we get to review the expectant mom's profile and decided whether we want to be shown or not ~ I like having that little tiny bit of control in the situation. :)
Hang in there sweetie! We will get through this ~ even if we have to all hold hands and do it together. :)
Jamie

Parenthood For Me said...

Hello-

I am an adoptive parent who underwent infertility treatments for four years.
I am starting a non-profit to help those undergoing infertility and/or adoption. The non-profit will offer monetary and emotional support.
Please visit my blog: http://parenthoodforme.blogspot.com. Please take the poll and pass the link on!

My personal blog is:
http://ajanderica.blogspot.com


Sincerely,
Erica Schlaefer

Jill said...

Oh Melba, I am soo sorry. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. God does have a plan for you my friend. I always tell myself, it is HIS timing, not ours. It doesn't make it easier, trust me.......but in the end you will see it!
Hugs- Jill

Debbie B said...

You would think being busier would make it easier but it was exactly the opposite for me. I guess it was a reminder of the fact that I was so busy because I didn't have my baby home yet.
I was the same way as you. I was heart broken when we weren't picked the first time and we had less then a 1 in 6 chance. I think there were like 3 of us. I think it's normal. But I also know that the second one for me was much easier. The second decided to parent though so it was different. I still felt let down but not as much.

You will get there, but I know that doesn't help. I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to.

Rebeckah said...

I just started reading your blog. I really love it! So much so that I linked to it on Sunday. I think you have a beautiful spirit! I know that God will give you the perfect child at the perfect time. I am praying for you!

Katie said...

God has perfect timing even though that is hard to grasp at times. Be Still and Know that He is God. I found your blog from Rebecca. If you have any questions about adoption let me know.
In Christ,
Katie <><

Jessica said...

Oh, Melba, I'm so sorry. It sucks, and there's nothing I can really say to make it better. Sometimes what helps me is just to hear people validate my frustration: it sucks.

I can't wait until it IS the right one, and all your hopes are met. Because it WILL happen. In the meantime, don't be afraid to get attached or excited...because one day it will be for all the right reasons.

Hugs, and i'm praying for you!

alicia said...

hugs! I am sorry. I do think staying busy will help make the waiting easier! It always helped me.

Merlot said...

I'm so sorry. I have a hard time having faith too...even though intellectually I know it will happen one way or another.

Tracey said...

I'm sorry it is taking so long and nothing we will be able to say makes it any easier...but we are here for you and we do understand you anxiety, pain and fears. You are now one day closer to your little one! Still in my prayers...God Bless

Cari said...

Mel,

I am praying for you.

Sarah said...

You say "Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me."

My answer: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! Melba, sweetie, you're normal! We all have different coping mechanisms - some of us expect the worst (um, yeah, that would be me) while some of us are eternal optimists. You have unsquelchable hope - and although that makes times like now harder for you, it also makes you a ray of sunshine who's going to be an incredible mom.
Thinking about you...
Sarah

Becky said...

From what I remember, both times, there is not a whole lot that makes the wait any easier!!! Like you said, truth!!
I'm sorry for this disappointment!!
Hang in there girl!!! You can do it!!! SO many of us have!!! I know you are tire of hearing it and it's 'just words' but, it will happen!!! I didn't think so either!! But, I was proven wrong, praise God!!

Rebekah said...

Oh, friend!!! There is NOTHING wrong with you. I would be crushed. People tell me how "strong" I am all the time,but truth be told, my faith is shaky at best. This is not an easy process and it tests every part of you to its limit. The most important thing you could do right now is to allow yourself to feel. Be raw, be real, be true. Your feelings are your feelings and you shouldn't have to put on a strong face or push them down. Express them and let them out, girl!

And I'm bonkers-busy right now, too, mostly with homework, and it most certainly DOES NOT make the wait easier. You're among friends :).

Nancy said...

I'm so sorry it's been difficult for you. It's perfectly understandable that you got your hopes up, and I know what it feels like when you face disappointment under those circumstances. I'm confident, in time, that you will find your perfect match. You deserve no less.

Eileen said...

Your first paragraph sums up how I've been feeling the past week. Sorry you were feeling the same way ((HUGS))

And I'm sorry not being chosen this time has been tough on you! You want it so badly, I know. The not being in control is difficult for me too. I think my IF defense mechanisms must have kicked in the first time I heard we weren't chosen. Nothing to do, but move on.

Being busy helps...I so hope your next call is THE ONE! Thinking of you...