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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Better Luck Next Time...

Human hope is an amazing thing. Sometimes my capacity to have so much hope, even in the face of doubt and uncertainty scares me. That said, I realize hope has been a saving grace at many times in my life too.

The birthmom who was looking at our profile still isn't sure she's going to make an adoption plan, but if she does she has chosen another couple. I am having a hard time right now. I feel mostly sad, but also a little stupid for allowing myself to get so worked up about this. In some ways I wish I wouldn't have known we were being considered - then I wouldn't even know I'm supposed to feel sad right now! I was already imagining so many amazing things relating to THIS baby and THIS birthmom...I had myself completely convinced that this was "the one." Now I just feel like I'm stuck under a huge, gray cloud of sadness and disappointment. WHY did I do this to myself??? Our profile may be shown MANY more times before we are chosen...clearly I can't keep doing this every time a birthmom is considering us, I'll never make it through.

Whatever - I know there is still hope left over in my heart. "This too shall pass," as Ma B (my dad's mom) always used to say. Much like the days of infertility, right after another late period would start...I just have to give myself a little time to process this sadness, then I'll pick up the pieces and get back to the business of hoping for our "right time"--our baby to come soon. What else is there?

******Updated to attempt to answer a couple of questions from the comments:******

I was actually a little surprised when we were asked if we wanted to be shown to this birthmom in the first place. I found myself thinking OF COURSE we want to be shown. If our acceptability checklist matches her wishes ans situation then YES...we want to be shown, wasn't that the whole point to begin with?! I THINK our agency has the basic policy that if they have information to share they share it. I haven't spoken to our CW about any of this in person, only via email so this is all my own speculation. I am torn. I just read on another blog about a mistake that was made by an agency that caused an otherwise acceptable match to fall through. For this reason I think it's nice to be asked in advance if we want to be shown. That way we can be sure the situation is truly one with which we could feel comfortable. At the same time, knowing we were being considered was HARD and I'm not entirely sure I want to go through this up and down cycle every single time until "the one" finally happens. I guess I've always sort of envisioned getting a magical, life-changing call someday and then being lost in the whirlwind of impending motherhood. I never quite expected this much of a roller coaster! I still have a lot of processing to do about all of this. In one respect I can already see that this may have been a touchy situation. The birthmom doesn't sound AT ALL sure she wants to pursue adoption, which means she very well may change her mind when it's all said and done. I'm going to wait a few days and then I may talk to our CW about how all of this happened and whether or not the agency requires us to know about prospective birthmoms, or if there is some kind of choice in the matter for us.

20 comments:

alicia said...

ohhh ((((hugs)))) sorry you got sad news.

thinking of you

Tracey said...

I am so sorry this is taking so long....hugggggsss and prayers

Trace said...

It's so hard. On one hand you want to know expectant mothers are seeing your profile, but then it's disappointing when you're not selected. The whole process if emotionally wrenching.

L L said...

Many, many hugs Melba! It is such a rollercoaster of emotions. First knowing that you are being shown, then second not being chosen...but one day you will experience the ultimate high of being told that you are chosen and then holding your child in your arms. Continued prayers.

Bri said...

Wow, Melba. I imagine you are pretty wound up emotionally right now. Can you chopse not to be notified when you are being presented? I don't think that I will be notified, but I guess I don't really know. I think I would handle it just like you, therefore I would rather not know. I am on an emotional rollercoaster as it is and don't really need anything to help that out right now. I'm sorry you're having a rough time! Hugs!

Jamie said...

oh, I'm so sorry. I know your heart right now because I, too, have been under that gray cloud. It's heartbreaking and I completely understand the feelings of "stupidity for letting yourself get so emotionally involved". Even though we have to hope....we shouldn't beat ourselves up about getting so excited about the possibility of this being "the one". Isn't that why we're all on this journey?? Hoping that "this is the one"?? Don't be too hard on yourself and hang in there. :)
We have been shown to 3 (actually 4 but it was a wierd situation) and not been chosen all 4 times. And each time, I think it gets just a little bit easier in some ways (not much, but maybe a little). Acutally I think the sadness is just changed to bitterness, so completely ignore what i just said!!! :) lol
The good thing to know is that you are NOT alone....your feelings are real and validated and that eventually....eventually....we WILL be mothers.
Hang in there ~

Reggie Boppy said...

Melba...I'm sorry that this BM wasn't your BM. This rollercoaster is so hard. (hugs)

Rebekah said...

Love the new look, here! :)

Everything in me is hoping that our match will be a call one day that a girl has just given birth and the baby is at the hospital waiting to be picked up. No waiting, no worrying, if the match fails we don't have much invested...

Because I would be DEVASTATED if I knew a bmom had looked at our profile and chose someone else! How can you not get excited? Someday it will be "the" call.

I'm sorry, friend. I'm sure I'll be in the same boat next month when my CW sends me the statistics report...

Hang in there!

Reggie Boppy said...

That's kind of cool that we are so close in our process together :) I noticed you're from Ypsilanti. My husband's best friend's wife is from there. When she moved out here (CA) I remember thinkng, where the heck is Ypslanti? Then we went out there for their wedding. It's a beautiful place.

Holly said...

Melba~ you know I am here for you always and forever!! I am sorry to hear that you guys weren't chosen. I know there is a baby meant for you...that particular baby just hasn't gotten on his or her way to the world yet. Hang in there. Know we are thinking of you both and we love you.

Your baby sister,
Holly

Duck Hunter said...

sorry to hear you had sad news. Is there a way to not know when your profile is being looked at?

Debbie B said...

Let yourself grieve if you need to. Trust me it's better then the alternative.
The first no is the hardest. Now you'll know what to expect for the next one. At least it was that way for me.
It's so hard for us (women) not to become attached to the idea of this baby, especially after such long waits and so much pain to get here.
Your day will come.

Eileen said...

I'm so sorry for the disappointing news. The call you've been waiting for will come. I think I do appreciate not knowing when we're being presented. I remember calling to check in with our facilitator and being pleasantly surprised when I learned that our profile was shown for the 1st time. I didn't have high hopes (remnant of my IF treatment days), but it was exciting to think that it may be it. Hang in there. The baby that is meant to be yours will find you. ((HUGS))

Nancy said...

I'm so sorry, Melba. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that must be. You should talk to your case-worker about this. I know my agency does not inform adoptive parents until they've been selected. I guess that helps avoid the roller-coaster experience. But it also leaves you wondering what's going on when the wait drags along.

Holly said...

I'm new to your blog...

Anyways, there really isn't anything to say that all of your friends haven't already said.

Hang in there.

hope548 said...

The first time our profile went out, I went through EXACTLY the same thing. It's all I could think about and I built up so much hope and expectation. I started making plans in my head. Once we found out we weren't chosen, it was such a let-down. After the way I handled that, I promised myself I wouldn't do that again, and I was able to remain cool after that. You just need to have a really big conversation with yourself and tell yourself how it's going to be from now on. I'm so sorry this one didn't work out, and I know it doesn't help to hear that this wasn't the baby for you. Each time your profile goes out, just know that you are getting closer.

Wishing you peace.

Malloryn said...

I'm so sorry, Melba. It's hard to strike that balance -- you want to know that your profile is out there generating interest, and yet it's painful when something like this happens. I hope you get the real call soon.

Jessica said...

What you said about hope...wow. I have often scared myself with the amount of hope I have. Trust, too. I don't know what it is...I just trust that it will happen. Adoption especially. I also completely trusted and hoped in our RE. Even though it didn't work I didn't ever doubt him. Does that make sense?

Hope is the ONLY thing we have in this mess. There is literally NOTHING we can do that will change it one way or another. You jsut have to hope, and trust, that it will come.

All that to say I still have to work on the hope factor with our current situation. It's going to be a long two months!

It's close for you, I can just feel it!

Karen said...

I'm so sorry, Melba. I think you're wise to look into the option of not knowing when you're profile is being shown, but that's only based on my own experience. (((Hugs))) It will happen someday and these gray skies will be behind you, but don't feel guilty about really feeling the sadness right now. At least for me, really feeling my negative emotions at the time helped me heal from them faster.

Becky said...

Hang in there Mel! I"m so far behind on reading blogs, I'm trying to catch up and sorry I didn't know this sooner!
I know how hard this is/was!! I remember well! Of course we get our hopes up, knowing we're being looked at and considered! No way that you can't!
It will come! The call that is yours about the child that is yours!
Keep pushing on! It doesn't seem like it a LOT of the times but, it will happen!!!