Negative Connotations

A couple times in the past week-and-a-half or so, I have literally cringed as I've heard the following statements:

"No, no don't eat the brown ones, those are yucky,"

"The green ones need water, if they don't get water they will shrivel up and turn brown like the other ones."

And from "My Many Colored Days"" a beloved children's book by Dr. Seuss:  "Some days, of course, feel sort of brown.  Then I feel slow and low, low down." 

As the mother of a beautiful, brown boy, these things have raised questions for me.  What am I supposed to do when our son starts making connections about the color of his skin and the negative connotations associated with that color?  Frankly, they are everywhere once you start noticing them.  Brown and black both have some very strongly negative associations.  In our daily dealings with our little one, we do (and have always) incorporated as many positive connotations surrounding these colors as we can.  For example, I will say, "Look at that beautiful, brown belly...I'm gonna' give it some kisses!" when I'm changing  his diaper, amongst other things.  But he is at a critical age right now.  He is listening and picking up on everything we (and others) say as he tries to make meaningful connections about our world. 

I don't think he has been harmed by any of these negative statements...yet.  It's a tough realization for me that there will come a time when I won't be able to protect him from the flaws of our society, and from the things other people say.  I've read "My Many Colored Days" hundreds of times over the years but only recently did I give any serious thought to the brown page.

I'm not even really sure where to go with this, it's just one my mind and something I need to think about more.  There are some obvious things we can do, like make sure positive associations are made and reinforced whenever possible, especially within his everyday environments.  Still though, this is one of those things that sort of caught me off guard.  It simply wasn't something I ever had any reason to think about before.  Now it is and I don't quite know what to think...        

Kissing the Curls Goodbye!

Today was a big day for our little boy. He had his very first hair cut! I think this is what he wants to say about the experience:

Lord have mercy, that picture makes me want to start crying all over again...he surely does know how to push my buttons! But, although he wasn't a happy camper, he did survive and manage to recover his composure pretty quickly, not to mention the fact that he looks absolutely adorable (and oh so much older) post-hair cut!

To be honest, the whole experience was overwhelming for me...and I think for all of us. I had it in my mind that we needed to go to an official barber shop, someone who knew what they were doing when it comes to caring for and handling African-American hair. Problem was, we didn't have an appointment and it was harder than you might imagine to find someone who was willing to take a walk-in for a baby. The place we finally did locate was the fourth place we stopped. I'm glad they were willing to do the job because otherwise I would've given up at that point.

Here's the little guy, as happy as can be...blowing raspberries while we waited our turn.

And here's the obligatory "after" shot, once he had calmed down a bit. Where has my little baby gone??

They did a great job and I would definitely go back BUT...we had to wait for almost two hours for our turn! Yes, TWO HOURS sitting there in uncomfortable chairs, trying to keep our toddler occupied and at the same time well-behaved. If I had known it would be that long we would have changed plans but the time kept ticking by little by little. I didn't really want to leave and lose our place in line but man...my patience was worn pretty thin by the time all was said and done. Also, holding Charlie while he cried and tried desperately to release himself from my grasp was not a pleasant experience. Even though the actual cut didn't take that long, it was exhausting. I had intentions of keeping his hair a little longer than it is but because his curls were so thick, the clippers kept getting stuck. At the barber's suggestion, we decided to clip it all off. Although I do miss the curls and would have preferred to leave some hair, I couldn't bear putting him through any further misery. I guess the great thing about hair is that it grows back, right?! I'm glad that experience is behind us...I hope the next time (when he's a bit older and we're better prepared) will go more smoothly.

An Unexpected Opportunity to Share

Tonight our agency held its first panel discussion group about trans-racial adoption. Originally Michael and I were asked to speak on the panel; however, the community response was overwhelming for the agency so they politely asked us to be audience members instead. The email we received said something to the effect of, "The response to our proposed meeting about trans-racial adoption has been very positive with many more people than we anticipated agreeing to be on the panel of speakers. Several adult adoptees have been added to the panel, which will allow less time for adoptive parents to speak."

Honestly when I got that email my reaction was mixed. I was one part relieved because we've been so busy and this was one less thing to add to the list but the other side of me was miffed because, although I am by no means an expert, this is one topic about which I do have a lot of thoughts. Besides--what adoptive parent doesn't want an opportunity to share their story?

So whatever, I let it go. Michael ended up having to work tonight anyway and today was an exceptionally busy day for me at school. I decided I would attend the meeting as an audience member and absorb what new information I could. For some reason I had it in my head that the meeting started at 7:00 but it was actually scheduled for 7:30. It was a good thing I arrived early though because one of the panel members was unable to attend. When I heard that, I ceased the opportunity and volunteered to sit on the panel in her place. As my SW said after the meeting was over, "it was serendipitous."

I'm so glad I got to share our story! I felt like a valuable part of the group of speakers and it was so nice to look out into the crowd and see 20+ families, most of whom were listening intently to see if trans-racial adoption was something they could envision for themselves down the road.

The panel was amazing. There were four members from one family consisting of 11 children, eight of whom were adopted. The parents were there, along with their son and daughter, both of whom were African-American adult adoptees. There was a woman I've met a few times in the past who has adopted three children through our agency, two of whom are African-American, there was an adult adoptee from Columbia, there was a man with whom Michael works who, along with his wife, adopted their now three-year-old bi-racial son when he was a year old, there was me, and there was my good friend and her husband whose daughter is almost two and is of Hindu Indian dissent. Quite an interesting mixture of speakers to be sure.

We were each given a few minutes to introduce ourselves and share a little bit of our story with the audience, which was pretty powerful. After that they opened up the floor for general Q & A. Some of my favorite quotes from the evening were:

• "You know, if we hadn't adopted our children, five or six of them wouldn't have lived."
• "You love who you love, it's not about color."
• A first-graders response to the question, "Why are those white people your parents?" "Because they adopted us! And besides, my dad is pink."
  

Many of the topics addressed tonight were issues I discussed in my recent post about race. The main points I took away from the meeting were things most of us already know but which still serve as good reminders. The bottom line is that while there are intrinsic issues surrounding it, trans-racial adoption is very doable. With the wealth of knowledge and information out there, combined with networking such as this meeting afforded me and others like me, white adoptive parents can and do raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children even when physical and cultural identity are completely different.

I let the meeting tonight feeling really good about what our future holds and about us as the unique and valuable family we are.

Yeah, About That...(My Thoughts About Race)

We now have nine months under our belts as an interracial family. Nine months doesn't sound like much in the grand scheme of things but I can tell you that I've learned a lot during those months. This seems like a good time to share some of what I've learned, and some of my thoughts about what it's like to be a white woman raising a black child. This will be long but it's important for many reasons, not just to other interracial families. I hope you'll keep reading.

The thing is, I don't really know how to write about this topic. I have a lot to say, and I talk about race frequently with friends and family but for some reason writing about it is more difficult for me. Two fellow bloggers, Debbie and Andi discuss this topic on their blogs frequently. Sometimes I wish I could be more like them because I think open discussion of our thoughts about race and racism is central to any hopes our society has of finding solutions to the race related problems and dysfunctions we have. I think it's far better to come out and say what we're thinking or ask the questions we have than to cover it all up and pretend that racial differences between people don't exist or matter. Which actually brings me to my first point:

{For lack of a better way to organize my thoughts, I'm going to make a list of topics in no particular order and share my insights about each as they occur to me.}

1. Race shouldn't matter but it does. When you look at it rationally, why should the fact that my son has darker skin than the people who love him matter one bit? But it does. The simple fact of the countless (thankfully mostly positive) reactions we get every time we leave the house shows that it matters. In our society, race matters. I would like nothing more than to live in a happy-go-lucky bubble where I could pretend our differences don't matter, and as such shield him from that reality, but that's not possible. It matters and I think we need to acknowledge that fact so we can get past the pretenses of trying to pretend that we are "color blind" in a very colorful world.
2. Racism is still very prevalent today, it's just much more covert than it was several decades ago. If you look closely enough, you will see it there under the surface, plain as day. This is an edgy time for our society but I think we are on the brink of good change. I see racism in a few of the glances we now get...and occasionally in the wide open looks of disdain on faces in the crowd. It's there but it's submerged, and thankfully it's not everywhere. Racism stems from ignorance and lack of knowledge, as well as lack of personal experiences with people of different races and backgrounds. In this day and age there is no longer any excuse for that. The old adage about walking a mile in another person's shoes before making a judgment certainly holds true here. This is why I'm willing to talk to friends, family and complete strangers about race and about our experiences, because knowledge and information = power.
   
3. I want Charlie to understand and love his birth culture, but also feel that he's an integral and valuable part of this family and our culture. To me, the term interracial means exactly that - even though our cultural backgrounds are different, we are intertwined as one family and as such we are unique. Each of our cultures is value added to the equation and should be celebrated as such. Just like Michael and I built a new family culture based upon our unique childhoods and family backgrounds, so too will we now build a family culture that includes Charlie's background and cultural heritage.
   
4. I think it's important that (especially white parents raising black children) embrace black people as a whole. This is a tricky one, but I see it time and again. People seem to make an exception for Charlie, or put him in a unique category because of our situation, rather than accepting him as the black individual he is...as part of the whole. Does that mean that I love every black person I encounter? No...but it does mean that I respect and value black people as a whole, not that I make an exception for Charlie as the black child I've welcomed into my life. I hope that makes sense and doesn't come off wrong. Put it this way, I don't love every white person I encounter, but I do still respect and value white people as a group. The same must also be true fro black people as a group. I want my son to learn that he is a unique mix of his birth and adoptive heritage and culture, and that both groups are valued equally within our family.
   
5. I don't just talk the talk, I also walk the walk. I'll risk being painfully honest here. There was a time in my life when I was wary of black men. I would drive through what I perceived to be the "bad" part of town and lock my doors if I saw a black man. Those days are gone. This turning point occurred one day while I was at the grocery store, quite a while ago. There was a group of about four or five adolescent black boys right outside the door, blocking the entrance. At one point in my life I would have gone out of my way to avoid having to ask them to move. That day it suddenly dawned on me that my son would one day be a lot like them and that I needed to get over myself. It goes back to #4 a little bit. Those boys weren't causing any harm, and they certainly weren't any risk to me. I simply said, "Excuse me I need to get through." to which one of the boys replied, "Oh I'm sorry, my bad." as he moved out of my way. From then on I have made a point of trying to become more conscious of my own inner race-related thoughts and feelings. My belief is that we all have those (often erroneous) pre-conceived notions going on in our minds, of which we are sometimes even unaware ourselves. Until we start being brutally honest about our concerns and misconceptions, we can never hope to reach common ground or teach our children that there can be a better way.
   
6. A good sense of humor and thick skin are essential tools for any black child, and especially a black child being raised by white parents. The brutal truth is that Charlie is going to have to deal with comments and questions about our family his entire life. He has no option of keeping the knowledge of his adoption private. Every teacher he has and all his classmates will know that he's an adopted child. With our ever-increasing acceptance and education of unique family situations, things are getting easier. I fervently hope they continue to do so but the fact remains that as a family we are prominently displayed as "different" and that will (unfortunately) make us an easy target from time-to-time. I hope to be able to instill in Charlie a sense of pride in who he is and who we are so that when these times do come up, he will have a solid shield with which to protect himself.
   
7. In much the same way racism and bigotry are taught, so too are acceptance and tolerance. We must explicitly teach our children...all children...that acceptance of others, even (and perhaps especially) when we don't agree with them is important. In a big way, this means we must talk openly and honestly to our children about real-life differences that exist in our society and how that makes us feel. We must also be armed with our own information and knowledge so we can be prepared to answer our children's inevitable questions. More than anything else, leading by example and being willing and open to acceptance of other (no less valid) ways of being is truly the bottom line.
   
8. We must lead by example and model the behaviors we want our children to develop. Children need and want to see themselves reflected in pictures, books, advertisements, and in the world at large. They need strong, positive models (of both famous and everyday people) of their same race to whom they can look for examples of what they can become. Our current president is a huge step in the right direction, particularly for today's black children but there is still a long way to go. Those of us who are raising black children need to become knowledgeable and acutely aware of when and how black people are portrayed in children's books, on packaging, and in our visual/pop culture at large. Growing up as a white child, I was fortunate to see people and images who resembled me everywhere I looked and I took that for granted. Again I think we have made huge strides in this area, but stereotypes and imbalances are still entirely too common. The first step toward fixing this problem is becoming aware of its existence. Following are a few of the best books I've found featuring black children or culture. These are all unique but valuable stories that I will definitely read to Charlie in the future: "Wilma Unlimited," "Bud Not Buddy," "Anansi the Spider," and "Amazing Grace." I hope to be able to instill a sense of pride in my child by making a conscious effort to make sure he sees his culture in a positive light through books and media.
   
9. White privilege is real. Until you've stepped out of that comfort zone, you can't really see it's existence, but being part of the majority class makes life easier. If you are white, ask yourself what would happen if you woke up tomorrow and were suddenly black instead. That would undoubtedly mean big changes in nearly every facet of your life. For this reason, I am happier than ever that we live in a very diverse area with lots of colleges and open-minded people. I think that our proximity to resources and other families like us will help to pave the way for Charlie so that when he does struggle he will have somewhere to turn. But even so, the simple fact that my child is black and will someday become a black man means he will struggle in ways I never could have imagined as a child. As a mother, I want nothing more than to protect my child while I nurture and guide him, but this is one area of life where I will not be able to protect my son. He will be judged (sometimes very harshly) because he is a black male. Ouch, that hurts!
   
10. Physiological differences are real, but sometimes overemphasized. One of the very first questions I had was, "How do I take care of his skin and hair?" To be honest, I was a little scared of this at first and concerned that I wouldn't be able to do a good job. After all, this is one area where adoptive parents are often judged, sometimes harshly. Other black families look at our children's skin and hair to find out what we know and how much we've been willing to learn about our children's physiological makeup. There seems to be a lot of pressure and concern in this area. BUT...it's just not all it's cracked up to be. Skin and hair care is a concern, but it's by far no longer one of my greatest. I still remember when Charlie was tiny. I was sitting and chatting with one of my close friends, Nancy. She is from an interracial family where her mother is white and her father is black. I told her I was worried about Charlie's skin becoming "ashy," and she said something that has stuck with me ever since. "If you had darker skin, you would be able to see it when there were dry spots too." It was sort of like a light bulb went off for me. To overemphasize the fact that Charlie's skin shows its dryness more than mine is really silly. I put lotion on him liberally after every bath, and then I just touch up dry spots as I see them. Speaking of baths, I only give him once every few days as needed, which seems to work wonderfully. And I use a small amount of olive oil that I mix into his shampoo, which helps his hair stay moisturized. On non-bath days I usually comb a small amount of baby oil or other hair dressing into his hair in the morning and that's it. Granted he is a boy, which makes this part of my job much easier but I honestly find that it's not nearly as big a deal as I once imagined it would be. The other interesting thing about this aspect of parenting a black child is that people often want to touch Charlie's hair. Even little ones when we are out and about seem to have a natural sense of curiosity about his hair and will often reach out to touch the top of his head. I wonder how this will change as he gets older. Right now it doesn't bother me--and I think people sometimes want to touch for the simple fact that he's a baby but if this continues as he grows, I could see it becoming quite a nuisance.
    
11. Overemphasis and exploitation can be harmful too. Though I firmly believe in everything I've said here and I fully intend to be open and honest with Charlie in an age-appropriate and child-centered manner, I also think the issue of race and differences can be given too much attention. My goal as Charlie's mommy is to make sure I am informed and that I have access to helpful resources, but mostly to follow Charlie's lead in terms of when and how these topics are addressed. I want him to be a happy and carefree "normal kid" and not always feel like the one who is singled out because he is different. One of my greatest hopes is that I will be able to continually strive toward maintaining an open and honest relationship with my son so that he knows he can always talk to me about issues of race and/or adoption without fear of me clamming up, being closed-minded, or downplaying his feelings (whatever they may be.) Because of the situation we're in and the fact that we have a closed adoption, there will be painful times for Charlie and painful questions to which I cannot provide an answer. My hope is that I can teach him to be strong and to have pride in who he is while at the same time being open and honest with him that there are some parts of his life and his story that are tough.

As with all things adoption related, this has been a learning curve for me. Michael and I were always waiting with open arms for any child who came into our lives. Even though we still have a lot to learn as we navigate these waters, I wouldn't change who we are as a family for anything in the world. I welcome any questions and comments you may have but please be respectful of who we are.

A Day I'll Never Forget

Kisses for Charlie!

Our first official day as a family was everything I had imagined it would be and then some. Even though our precious boy has been every bit our son in our minds and our hearts since we first laid eyes on him this spring, it feels good to know he is officially ours in the eyes of the legal system now too. Our day in court yesterday was amazing!

We were lucky to be able to finalize Charlie's adoption on National Adoption Day, which meant we were part of the celebration the court house held in honor of the 14 adoptions that took place in our county yesterday. There were balloons, refreshments, adoption-related information and keepsakes, guest speakers, and news media there to commemorate the occasion. We were interviewed by the reporter who was there, and he took several photos of the three of us together. I wonder if we'll be in the paper? They had four court rooms open, and we were among the first group of families to be called.

We were also fortunate because the judge who presided over our case is also the adoptive mommy of a five-year-old African-American boy. She showed us pictures of her son, and she even asked me if I'd like to get our boys together sometime, which of course I would! During the hearing, she had some insightful and poignant things to say about both the rewards, and the hardships of adoptive parenting, and particularly about what it's like to be a transracial family in today's world. Listening to her, both during the hearing and afterwords, I felt wholly understood and celebrated. I feel excited about the prospect of getting to know her better, and having our sons meet one another.

Our hearing was extremely touching, and emotionally overwhelming. Listening to our case worker talk about our story, and how we waited such a long time for "the right baby" was quite a moment. When she said she would like to recommend us for permanent placement and care of Charlie she said, "They clearly love him to death!" The judge had also read through our entire (40+ page) home study, and she remembered several things that she mentioned during the hearing, including our love story, and our two dogs, which made everyone chuckle.

here we are, taking our solemn vow to accept both the blessing, as well as the burden of parenting.

finally, our long-awaited moment with the judge!

here we are with my mom and dad, Charlie's Ema and Epa...they look so proud!

Once we were done with the legal aspects of our day, we had family and friends back to our house for fun, games, and food! Here's our precious boy, enjoying the homemade letter C ginger bread cookie his daddy made for him.

Seriously...he is too cute for words!

We really had a fantastic day! All day long I felt really special, and really celebrated. We played games, chatted, and everyone seemed to have a genuinely good time. So many people stopped by, it was amazing. At one point there were four little ones under the age of four in our tiny little living room. It was so nice to know that our son was amongst the group of babies. I felt so proud as I watched them play...their laughter was music to my ears! Towards the end of the evening, we commemorated our first-ever Gotcha Day by taking a mold of baby boy's hand and foot.

Once they dry completely, we'll display them in a frame, along with a photo from today, and the signatures of all the guests who stopped by. I'm so happy to have this keepsake, as well as so many great memories from our special family day with our son. It's challenging to get my words to do justice to the overflowing joy, love, and pride I felt yesterday, and still feel today when I think about our beautiful family. We are truly blessed beyond measure, and I am left with an overwhelming feeling of happiness and gratitude when I think about our story and how far we've come in {really} such a short time!

I'd do it all again in an instant!

Anonymity

Or maybe this post should be titled "Absence of Anonymity." Of course I knew, when we welcomed Charlie into our lives, that from that point forward we would be a family who doesn't look like all the others, and who consequently gets noticed more in public. I knew it intellectually, but not realistically if that makes any sense.

The other night we were at dinner, and as we were leaving the restaurant, a woman held the door for us. When I told her thank you she said,

"Oh you're welcome. I've seen you guys around. Yeah, I think over at that other place as she pointed to another diner across the parking lot. The baby's getting big."

I made some common response about how fast they grow, but as I did so, I was actually thinking that it is really strange to be known by people who I had never even noticed before. And I think I'm generally fairly observant when we're out and about.

Then not too long ago, we had a woman at the store tell us she remembered us, and that it didn't look like the baby had grown at all since the last time she saw us. Now call me crazy, but even if that thought crossed my mind, I would never speak it out loud to a baby's mother! Not that I care, because my main thought after this comment was that she must be clueless to not have noticed how big Charlie had gotten...but whatever.

Another instance happened at Applebees when a waitress I could have sworn we've never seen before said she remembered us from the last time we were there. I realize this post makes it sound as though we go out to eat every night, but actually these encounters are generally months apart. Apparently we make a lasting impression on people no matter where we go, which I guess can be both good and bad.

Being known in the places we frequent is interesting. To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this new aspect of our lives. Right now I'm not bothered by it as much as I think I will be when I have to try to find a way to explain to little Charlie why people notice us the way they do. It's not as though this is a small town. We live in a good size community where it's generally pretty easy to remain unknown if that's your desire.

After we left the other night, I jokingly said to Michael, "Now what are we going to do when our son's all grown up and is no longer around all the time to make us famous?" I'll be honest in saying there is a part of me that enjoys the attention of being noticed. Primarily because I'm so very proud of our family, and I love to talk about adoption any time I have a chance...but also because there is something nice about not being just another face amongst a sea of faces.

I know this post is slightly jumbled, and not entirely making sense, but these experiences have been happening more and more often. I want to capture all the nuances of my feelings before too much time goes by...

They All Look Like Me

I've recently started attending services at a small church near my house. This is about the 5th week I've been there. People are starting to remember me, and I'm really beginning to like the place. That said though, I am conflicted. There are a myriad of reasons for my feelings, and if you're interested you can read the post from my other blog about this topic.

Still, I am willing to at least try. My pull towards church has been strong for a while, but until recently I haven't acted upon it. I can't say exactly why now is the time for me, I guess there are lots of reasons. Maybe I'm looking towards church as a possible answer to some of my sadness as of late, or maybe as a means toward establishing a church connection now for the sake of our future children?

Today it occurred to me as I was sitting amongst the congregation that everyone there looked exactly like me. Not exactly, of course, but what I mean is that they were all the same color. Ten years ago I wouldn't have given this a single thought...in fact I probably would have been comforted by the sameness. But having lived in a diverse area and become much more educated on the topic of diversity, I now find the sameness unsettling. This is to say absolutely nothing of the fact that we may very well adopt a baby who does not look exactly like us. Questions abound.

Is this a big deal if I don't make it one? Is it not common, even necessary, for churches to be somewhat polarized in the types of people they attract? Will our future baby, regardless of the color of his or her skin be completely accepted and welcomed at this church? Will he/she feel safe and at peace there as I hope? Will we be accepted as a less traditional family? Or will it be awkward and weird for everyone, most importantly our future child...which of course is the very last thing I want? Without anyone else to ask or even observe, how will I know the answers to these questions before it's too late? I feel strongly about attending a smaller, local church for lots of reasons. I've tried the huge, modern church thing and it simply isn't for me. But I wonder, is that type of church the only place I have hope of finding the diversity I now long for? I even think these issues are/would be different for someone who is already established at a church, versus someone like me who is starting from scratch.

I'm trying not to over-think this, but after I had that thought this morning, I can't seem to stop it rolling around in my head. I don't even know what's going to happen for us in terms of the child we adopt, but that begs another question. Would I desire and seek out diversity at a church on behalf of our baby even if he/she does look like us? That's one I'll have to ponder for a while, but regardless of the answer, more questions inevitably spring forth. If not, why not, and if so...still the question of what (if anything) to do about all this?

Definitely some serious food for thought!