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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Maybe Next Time...

Well, we have had a rather tumultuous 24 hours or so. Last night as I was sitting in math class, I got a call...you guys know the call. Only, it wasn't quite the call. It was from the birth parent counselor at our agency. She told me about a baby girl who was born this past weekend. She was 7-10 weeks premature, but "otherwise healthy." She was/is in the N-ICU at the hospital about seven miles from our house. For a moment I thought it was the call. Then we were told the birth parents would be looking at pofiles last night. We had very limited information upon which to base a quick decision about whether or not to be shown. Of course we wanted to be shown, and we were. By the time I managed to sit through the rest of class (in a complete daze) and get home, there was an email update from our CW:
"...for those of you who have already agreed to have your letter and album shown to the birth mother of the premature baby girl--J. will be meeting with her tomorrow morning at which time she and her boyfriend will be looking at letters and albums. IF SHE CHOOSES TO MEET YOU, I WILL BE CALLING YOU AT AROUND 11 AM TOMORROW MORNING. YOU WILL HAVE TO BE AT THE AGENCY BY NOON TO MEET WITH THEM." J. and I know that this is ridiculously fast-crazy, but it's the best we can do in this situation. So stay tuned, and I'll be in touch."
So it was with that information that we went to bed last night. We didn't talk about it much, I don't think either one of us really knew what to say or exactly how to process the situation. Suffice it to say I don't think either one of us slept very well. I knew I needed to stay guarded, and be careful, but as you all know, that is much easier said than done.

This was unlike anything we've experienced as yet throughout this process. This was the first time I received information through a phone call rather than an email. This was the first time there was a real, already born baby girl in the picture. How my heart was aching for her last night, and for her whole situation. Even if we weren't the couple who was supposed to be there with her, I wanted someone to be there.

This morning unfolded at a slow crawl that was utterly unsettling. I had called my parents last night to tell them, just so I could tell someone...but we didn't want to say too much too soon, so we left it at that. Then I took my parents to the airport this morning for their trip to CA. It was nice to see them in person, and to get to talk to them about the "almost baby girl." I think we were all dreaming a bit. By the time 11:00 a.m. rolled around, I sort of already knew this time wasn't our time. That hunch was confirmed by around 12:40 p.m. (not that anyone was counting) when our CW called to tell us the birth parents had chosen another couple.

So the rest of the day has been spent feeling alternately OK, and being completely downtrodden. Of course that has been mixed in with Michael working his two jobs, and me studying for my last three final exams. One thing we both decided is that we need to get a car seat! Having this happen...this so close experience...has made us realize just how unprepared we really are. I think that one item will be moving up on our to-do list in the very near future!

So that's that...there's really nothing more to say. For the people who were chosen, I am very happy. This whole experience was THE experience for someone, and that is awesome. I wish them, and that baby girl a lifetime of happiness and health. Everyone keeps saying that one of these times it really will be our turn. Even though I don't really believe that at the moment, this experience did make me realize that you just never know what is in store or what will happen or when. I feel oddly hopeful and heartbroken all at the same time.





21 comments:

Ashley said...

Oh wow!! I can't imagine the nerves you were feeling. Good to know you were at least in the running. Get that car seat! ;)

Rebekah said...

Your last line is so beautiful...I completely understand how heartbroken and hopeful can go hand in hand. I always got a surge of hope when i heard stories like this...or Bri's. You really never know when your life's about to change in an instant.

Hugs for the sad in you...and a big thumbs up for the fighter in you, that keeps moving on.

Anonymous said...

Mel - I love Rebekah's comment. Hugs for the sad in you, and a big thumbs up for the fighter in you... that keeps moving on. Wonderful words! Where do I begin? I just met you this semester and like you said, I feel like we have known eachother forever. Maybe it's because you keep it real and honest. We have the same goals in mind for our future careers... and we love math! haha just kidding on THAT! I want to tell you that I think you are going to be an awesome mom one day. The fact that this baby wasn't meant to be in God's big plan... doesn't mean it's overwith. So keep smiling and keep your chin up. Listen - I'd be willing to give you Joey's car seat when he grows out of it very soon - and it was rated #1 for safety. So don't buy one, please. I normally wouldn't take a used car seat = but because you know me and know I wouldn't give you anything I wouldn't use myself... well you know. Anyway - I wanted to tell you that. I'll give you the stroller that comes with it as well one day down the road. Anyway - your day WILL come! Can I write a letter or something to go in your file? I would SO do that for you. Even give my number so they could call me and I can tell them all about how kind and compassionate you are.
See you in math tomorrow for a big test-a-roo... :( I'll be in Porter lounge all day studying.
Love ya,
Karen

Kel said...

Aw crapola. I'm sorry! My friend from scotland would say "it's alright hen, your chick will hatch." I love it when she says that. It's like the egg is there and we're sitting on it and it just ain't ready yet :D.

Becky said...

Melba, I am sorry. I too know so well that mixed feeling!!
But yes, you do have to be ready b/c you never know! Both of our children were already born and ready to be picked up when we got each call!
Your day WILL come my friend!! Keep hanging in there!
Special prayer for you tonight!

Karen said...

Wow. Talk about torturous. I'm sorry this wasn't your baby. Good idea to get the car seat, though! (((Hugs)))

M/J Granata said...

Melba... Tough! Sucks!!!! That has actually happened to us a few times... and it is NOT easy or fun to digest the news. I have found that after a week or so... I become numb again. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.... it does help!

Please know that I will be thinking of you as you process your emotions and rediscover your strength and your hopeful spirit! It will happen and you WILL be a great mother!
Hugs for you...

RB said...

That stinks Melba! It's tough to know when you're being profiled, that's for sure. A car seat is not a bad idea though. You never know... :)

Malloryn said...

Wow, what a whirlwind! I'm sorry that you weren't picked this time, but I could really pick up on your hopefulness in this post. I admire your attitude, and I know you will be a fantastic mom someday.

Brooke said...

I'm thinking about you!

stillthinkingagain said...

"I feel oddly hopeful and heartbroken all at the same time."

Beautifully put. Sums up the entire human spirit...

There's nothing I can say to soothe your broken heart, but please know that there are loving hugs coming to you from bloggy-land.

And to the hopeful little sprite hiding down in there, I say HURRAY! I know it doesn't feel like it, but I think progress is being made -- the car seat, the nursery mural, the peace that you're finding with this not being THE CALL just yet -- it's all working together to set the scene for your little one.

Thinking about you down here in SC!
hugs,
Sarah

alicia said...

wow, and hugs. I am sorry this wasn`t your time. It is crazy though how quick everything could end up happening for you guys though! keeping my fingers crossed for you.

littlezen said...

I had a similar situation this week and last week. The one from this week affected me. Last weeks not so much. I find that part of me is happy because I know that our profile is getting looked at, but at the same time knowing you're not "the chosen" is sort of upsetting.

hope548 said...

Thank you for sharing this story. What a letdown that must have been, with all the excitement and uncertainty, and having to try and sleep while waiting to know. I am sorry that this wasn't YOUR situation and hope YOUR situation comes along soon. The adoption process is just another roller coaster, but one with a happy ending.

Jamie said...

melba , my eyes are full of tears and my heart is aching with you. i know that it WILL be your turn one of these days....the hard part is not knowing when. i pray with all my heart it's soon!

Evergreen said...

What a rollercoaster of a situation. You have a great attitude, and I understand feeling hopeful and heartbroken at the same time. My heart goes to you.

I too learned that we NEED the bare basics on hand. For us this included: car seat, baby carrier/sling (I got a moby wrap), a 1/2 dozen outfits of boy and girl newborn clothes, diapers/wipes/changing pad/diaper bag, formula and bottles. You may find yourself picking up a baby and needing to stay in a place where a babies r us isn't handy, so have the basics.

BB said...

Oh, Melba. I am so sorry. What a tough let down. I love the hopeful/heartbroken line, too. And I totally get that. It is nice to know that your agency is a having some action, but also tough to be let down. Your baby is out there, my friend. I feel him/her drawing closer.

E said...

I'm so sorry you weren't chosen this time, M. It is really amazing to realize that it could happen that fast!! What a roller coaster. I really hope that the next call you get is THE CALL...and I hope it comes soon, sweetie!! Hang in there....hope all went well with your finals:)

hollyrenee said...

I'm so sorry, Melba. I think it's God Who kinda prepares us a little right before we find out it's a no...softens the blow a little. I'm praying for you, that you have perfect peace through this. You're getting closer!

Nancy said...

I'm so sorry this one didn't work out. I can't imagine how stressful that day must have been. Take heart. You will be matched.

Wendy said...

Melba,
I'm just reading your post now. Waiting to hear the news must have been so hard. I'm sorry you weren't chosen this time.

You are such a strong person. Thank you for writing about everything you are going through.