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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Bursting at the Seems

Tonight I am screaming from the inside out, I am SO SICK of waiting!!! I feel frustrated and angry and left behind and just generally like my life is standing still while everyone else is spinning in happy little circles around me. I know I hardly have room to complain. I know there are many people out there who have far worse situations with which to cope. I get that. I know there are many people out there who have far better and more positive attitudes than I do right now. I am just so very frustrated, and so very fed up with this whole drawn out and overwhelming process!!!

I had to call BRU and change the "due date" on our baby registry yesterday. I can't explain why exactly, but that just set me off. It's a simple thing, inconsequential really, but it irked me to the core. BRU really needs to have a special registry for prospective adoptive parents so they don't have to specify a due date. Why can't we just put TBD? Seriously, with all the technology available these days you'd think that would be possible.

I'm also bothered because we now have to get our home study and paperwork updated. Even though we weren't officially active in the pool until July last year (due to the time it took me to create our profile letter and album,) our home study was done in April. HOW IS IT APRIL ALREADY??? I just didn't want to have to do these things, I wanted to have our baby by now. I know I sound like a pouty, whiny b*tch, but I'm sick of internalizing all this crap so I can put on yet another happy face that I don't really feel. My soul feels unsettled lately and it's really pulling me down. WHERE IS OUR BABY LOVE???

The other huge thing that has been heavily weighing on me lately (all puns intended!) is that I have been thinking a lot more about weight loss surgery (WLS.) Even after reading a book about it and going to a consultation at a WLS clinic near us, I am left feeling conflicted and unsure about the whole thing. This is really a post for another day, because it stirs up so many feelings that I don't...or maybe even can't share. Weight has been a lifelong battle for me, it's not like this is the first time I've thought about surgery. I think what's bugging me though, is that this is the first time I've thought about it this seriously, and I think adoption is at the core of that conundrum. There are many reasons why I think WLS might possibly be the right path for me to take, but to be perfectly honest, I don't know how, nor do I feel even remotely qualified to make a decision of this magnitude. And then there's the part of me that thinks (like BB said in a previous comment) that maybe our match will happen because of our struggles with weight rather than in spite of them. I want to be happy and healthy and live my best life, both now and in the future when I'm a mom, isn't that what everyone wants? But would losing my weight guarantee that I would be happier? NO...it wouldn't guarantee anything at all, and it might very well be a big mistake that I would later regret. I think I just think too much, and I probably just need to let it all sit for a while now that I've obtained so much new information.

As I stated in a previous post, all this self-doubt and wavering back and forth is really out of character for me, which is unsettling. Sometimes I don't feel there is anyone with whom I can really talk about all this stuff, which is more my fault than theirs. I have a really hard time voicing some of these thoughts and feelings, especially verbally and in person. Whatever...it just is what it is, and I have to realize that whatever is going to happen will happen one way or another. I'm certainly not a fatalist by any stretch of the imagination, but I do think that sometimes "freedom of choice" seems a lot more consequential than it really is.

I'm done for now.





17 comments:

RB said...

Oh Mel I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. There's not much I can say that will make you feel better, but I do understand where you're coming from. Adoption is HARD. The pain of waiting is just emotionally painful as IF was/is. It is a different pain, but no less significant. I'll be thinking of you. (hugs)

Kel said...

I measure days in degrees of suckage. Today scored an 8/10 on the suckage scale. Until we get baby, it will always hover between 6 and 10. Actually Saturday was like a 3 and monday was a 4, but that's because the SUN OMG WHAT IS THAT BRIGHT THING IN THE SKY! was out, and I had lots of stuff to do to keep me busy! And I wasn't at work!

I'm right here with you in the frustration. I wish I could give you a *Real hug* but a virtual one will have to do.

Lord, soothe Mel's soul, give her an encouraging word, a hopeful e-mail or better yet A BABY! Help her as she tries to make this decision about life changing surgery. Bless her and her hubby. Help them to feel the friendship I have for them, and the love you have for them as well. There is little comfort on this lonely road. Please give them some, they need it.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Tracey said...

Girl...I do hear you and KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING....I felt like my life was standing still for 40 years....THE PURPLE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM was filling up my lungs and taking all my air. It is VERY HARD to keep the positive attitude....frustrated, fed up....I KNOW THE FEELING....It's all normal and ok for you to feel that way. Just keep moving one day, hour, minute at a time...sometimes thats all you can do.

You need to talk to a stranger....email me and I'll send you my phone number....I'm here to listen...God bless and just breath......

Jill said...

Melba, I am SO GLAD that you feel comfortable enough to share with us about how you are feeling. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

As for BRU, I was just as irritated when we went o register last month about the date thing. I am going to write an email to them TODAY. Glad that I am not alone.
Hugs, Jill

Evergreen said...

((Hugs)) to you Melba. Those concrete steps that are marking the time - the date at BRU, updating your homestudy - no wonder the wait is driving you crazy. I can totally see how that set you off.

The WLS issue is a big one, and probably best to not make it when you are feeling so doubtful and unsettled - wait until you have a clearer head.

As far as talking to someone, we are all here for you. Sometimes I find that a couple of sessions with a counselor helps when I am totally overwhelmed and can't seem to pick myself up. Maybe it'd help for you.

You are in my thoughts - and I so appreciate that I've been in yours. :-)

stillthinkingagain said...

"I feel frustrated and angry and left behind and just generally like my life is standing still while everyone else is spinning in happy little circles around me."

Well said, Melba. I can't even tell you how much I identify with this statement. I know it's childish, but I keep thinking "It's my turn, IT'S MY TURN!!!"

Even though I don't feel it with my heart, I know with my head that our turn is coming, Melba. I know it is. It HAS to be.

And thank you for sharing about WLS... I know you'll make the right decision for you. I think that anyone who is as introspective as you is going to feel conflicted -- ah, if only we could be simple people who don't over-analyze everything. :)

I'm thinking about you....
S

Jessica said...

My heart hurts for you right now. There is nothing anyone can say that will make the waiting feel any less crazy or painful, I know.

So please continue to use this blog as an outlet. I promise all of us are just as discouraged as you are. It's ok to feel that way! I continue to have hope for you and continue to know that it WILL happen. It will. Sometimes we just don't understand the timing, but that, too, will make sense once it happens. I can only promise that it WILL make sense.

As for the WLS...what a huge decision. I think it's brave that you're considering it, because it's such a commitment to a lifestyle change. Don't be afraid to pursue things that are for you. You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of hubby and Baby Love.

I think about you all the time and keep hoping for your baby to arrive. Hugs!

hope548 said...

You can vent here anytime. I have been rooting so hard for you and I hate "hearing" you so down. I know how frustrating it is and I had to update our homestudy too, which was very annoying. All of this waiting absolutely sucks and I can't tell you anything you don't already know or haven't already heard. Just know that I am thinking of you and hoping your baby is coming soon! You two are going to be such loving and wonderful parents.

Wishing you peace.

Jamie said...

sweet melba ~ i think this process of waiting to be matched just magnifies every insecurity that we have. whether it be weight...income...home...age...lack of what we've "accomplished" in our life, etc. If weight is and always has been an insecurity for you ~ it's only natural for that to be a hot spot right now, especially when you're waiting to be chosen to be a parent. I know i had so many thoughts of "why am I not good enough? why did they NOT choose ME?" and I would beat myself up about it. then at moments of clarity (haha!) I would remind myself that when our situation worked out, it would be because that's the way it was supposed to be. The more I could remember that...the easier it became not to beat MYSELF up when we weren't chosen. It didn't necessarily make the wait any less difficult! I think the waiting was just as difficult if not MORE difficult than some of the years of treatment.
Anyway.....just hang in there and don't make any decisions until you are completely ready ~ this waiting is SOOOO hard and it stretches our patience to the ends of the earth and back. I'm so sorry that this time of reminders of how long it has been is weighing so heavily upon your heart. Hang in there!! I pray so much for you! :)
Jamie

BB said...

Melba - I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know exactly how you feel and I totally get it. I don't think that you need to qualify your pain by comparing it to others. Your pain is valid, real and perfectly ok and EVERYTHING is relative. Keep faith, though my friend. Miracles happen in their own time, and when it happens, it will feel so right the wait will be worth it. (I also realize none of this really helps you to feel better!!) I am thinking of you and hurting for you every day! It will happen.

alicia said...

hugs!

I think this is why you have a blog, I suck at voicing things too and end up just torturing myself with them, but having a blog is such a helpful outlet! It share things that are really on your mind and it is a chance to not be fake! So I say complain, wine, cry and tantrum all you want on here, it is your blog, your place to release!

I wish that you didn't need to tantrum that these things weren't happening to you. I really hope this year brings the baby of your dreams to you! I pray that your miracle is on the way!

good luck with the wls decision, I imagine that will be a hard one to make, but it sounds like you are doing all the right research and all the right steps, so you will come to the right decision for you!

Malloryn said...

I'm sorry that this is burdening you so much right now. This waiting process is really hard sometimes (duh!). It's easy to second-guess yourself and the path you've chosen to get there... be it your agency or even the words and pictures in your profile. To have the thought of WLS on top of everything else is a lot on your shoulders. Be kind to yourself, and vent here as much as you need to. We're hear to cheer you on. ::hugs::

michelle said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this right now....I do get it though because well just last week I was feeling the same way...crazy how you can feel like total shit one week and then climb out of it for a bit and then one day you wake up and feel like shit again....it is a terrible cycle....and I hope it is over for both of us soon....
we will get through this and be mothers...it will all work out!

hugs and prayers
m :)

E said...

Melba, I hear your pain and I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I often do too and mostly kind of numb. That's probably the reason why I'm calm on the outside with frustration, anger, and anxiety just bubbling under the surface...

You've mentioned your weight before here and I realize that this is a major issue in your life. If you've been thinking about the WLS, maybe a physician consult now will help in making your decision. Good luck with whatever you decide...((HUGS))

Debbie B said...

While I am one of the happy that made it to the end with our baby I have not forgotten the pain and horror it took to get us here.

Find a yahoo adoption group for your area and try to connect with some people local to you. Blogging is great but once I started talking with other adoptive mom's with child or still waiting it changed my attitude tremendously about our wait. I still had my downs but I had someone I could call or go see.

Complain and whine as much as you want on here. We've all done it. That's what we're here for.

Terri said...

like tom petty sings, the waiting is the hardest part. waiting for our baby was a living hell for me for pretty much the entire 4 years we tried to get pregnant and the year and a half we waited for a match. just know, that in the end, when you are holding your child, all of that melts away!! the pain...it is SO WORTH IT! you WILL be a mom.

Holly said...

Melba,

I know I am responding to this really late. I just want you to know that I am really sorry you are/were feeling this way. I know does nothing to make it better, but I just want to make sure you know that even if we don't talk about it a lot, I am always always always here and I am always thinking of you, praying for you and hoping for you that I will have a new little niece or nephew one day really soon.