Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Four Plus One

Today we have been officially waiting in the pool for four months and one day. Today I also found out the two other birth mothers that were on our radar screen have chosen other people. I'd like to say I'm feeling great and confident that the right one will come along, that I'm not sad at all...but that would be a lie. The truth is that I feel stung. I can't help but question what is wrong with us...why haven't we been chosen yet? Should we rewrite our letter...what did we say or not say that is causing us to be passed over? How come some people get chosen after only weeks in the pool while we must wait? Where is our baby Love??

I know this needs to be put into perspective. I know we have only been shown five times, one of which doesn't even really count because she chose the very first person she was shown. I know four months really isn't very long at all in the grand scheme of things. I know our baby will come when he or she is ready and not before. I know this will all unfold when the time is right. I know, I know, I know...and yet I can't seem to shake the feelings of angst I have with all of this.

I'm not doing any justice to my emotions with this post, I'm not qualifying how I really feel at all because I'm not sure I can. When I read the update email from our CW this afternoon I immediately got a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, the feeling of rejection and loss. Much like the feeling I used to get when I would take a pregnancy test after a missed period and it would be negative. Like that but also very much unlike that at the same time. Does this make any sense?

I think part of the problem is that my state of mind is skewed at the moment. I am exhausted beyond belief. I've been serving on a jury in downtown Detroit for the past two weeks and the trial is nowhere near completion. I'm also in the crunch time of a 16-credit hour semester and I'm missing a lot of classes. I'm behind on all my projects, my house is a mess, my car is a mess, I am a mess. I need a break--some time to recoup, but no break is on the horizon. I am well aware my attitude is rotten, and I'm quite certain I need to be quiet now and go use my time wisely, which is exactly what I'm going to do...starting now.


alicia said...

ohhh melba..hugs. I know I can't understand exactly what you are going through, but I can imagine it is no fun. It does not feel good to be looked over and not choosen. So I think its understandable to have these feelings. I am thinking of you sweetie

Reggie Boppy said...

I've been waiting 4 months and 1 week, so we are right there together. I understand how you feel. We've been shown to about 5 BMs, but no luck. How can we not take this personally? I have asked myself the same questions as you. Should we update our profile? Is there anything in there I need to change? What do I need to do for a BM to choose us? Others say that the right baby will come when the time is right. What gets me through the day is the hope that somewhere my baby is "cooking" and she or he isn't ready to come out of the oven yet :)

Jamie said...

Melba ~ I'm so sorry....I'm sending big hugs to you. I know all too well the place that you are and I promise you it will get better. After about 6 months we revised our letter and during the process of that is when we were chosen. Poeple always told me that the right baby/bmom would find us.....I had faith in that, but it wasn't until we had this match that I completely and utterly understood how incredibly true that statement was. You will have this Melba....I promise and when you do, you will know exactly why you waited.
Meanwhile ~ you need a break!! You have so much going on ~ I can't imagine juggling all of those things. Be good to yourself and take a deep breath.....
Thinking of you ~

Eileen said...

Melba, hugs to you! I'm sorry...this wait just sucks. I hear you, believe me. Everything you wrote makes sense. Meanwhile, you do need a break! Sheesh...a person can only take so much. Take it easy. Know that I'm crossing my fingers for you that something happens for you soon.

Anonymous said...

I want to reiterate what Jamie said...she is so right. When you have your baby it will all make perfect sense, but right now it just can't make sense, so don't even try to understand it. I know exactly how you are feeling! I used to obsessively check our agency's website to see if new couples had joined the agency (my "competition") or if a couple had newly been given that crushing (to me) red tag: "Successfully Adopted!" Whenever a new couple got the red tag I would pore over their web profile and try to analyze what was so great about them. LOL, I was a wreck. If I had been blogging at that point my posts would look precisely like yours. I felt guilty when J and I got the red tag on our profile because I knew the other couples still waiting with our agency were kinda hating us right then. Your Evie is out there, Melba. I promise! ((((((Hugs))))))

Tweety said...

Melba (((HUGS)))....I can't say any thing different then all the above!!! It will make perfect sense when you are chosen. I have been were you are....getting mad, frustrated reduced to is a horrible process!!!! Worth it in the end. Know I am just a phone call or short drive away!!!


Anonymous said...

Well, you already said all of the things I would have said...I can sense your spirit and heart through your blog, and I just know that the *right* birth parent is going to sense it in your profile. But right now none of that matters. It simply hurts and I hate that :(

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry it's so hard right now. One of the things I did like about our agency is that they never told us when we were being considered. Now, if we'd waited a little longer to be matched, it probably would have bothered me. But at the same time...I had complete trust in them that they were matching us with the right people. And I didn't want to know if we weren't chosen.

Have you asked the agency about it? Any suggestions they have on not taking it personally, or looking over your profile for any "Red flags". Sigh...probably doesn't amtter because like they all said YOUR baby is still waiting for you and you don't want to be anywhere except right where you are when YOUR baby is ready!

Again...lots of hugs!

Malloryn said...

I'm sending some ::hugs:: as well. We're not in the waiting group yet, so I can only imagine how frustrating this must be. Try to keep your head up and know that your little one is out there!

hope548 said...

I hate to hear you hurting so much. I imagine a lot of it is caused by how ridiculously busy your life is right now and having projects unfinished.

Do you think it would be easier not to know when your profile goes out? I considered that for a while after our first time being shown and not picked. I second-guessed everything too.

Do you feel like your letter/profile represents you well? If you do, then don't change it and don't second-guess it. You just want to be yourselves so the right mother picks you. You don't need to appeal to every single birth mother, and you don't know the reasons you weren't picked.

I imagine more than a rejection, someone else just fit what they were looking for more than you did. Some people look for pets, some don't want pets, some want there to be siblings, some want a first-time parent. Some may pick a profile based on one tiny detail that speaks to them, like that one of the people is a teacher and they always wanted to be a teacher.

I know it's hard to wait, especially when you don't know how long your wait will be. Hang in there and vent all you need to.

I hope that trial is over soon so you can get some peace and normalcy back in your life!

Take care!

Becky said...

I understand..........100%! Did that. Thought that. Felt that.

I agree. Perhaps you don't need to know when you are looked at. We didn't. The waiting and not knowing was HARD but, I think would have been harder had we known every time we weren't chosen.
Talk to them about it!

Jill said...

I soooo wish you were right in front of me so I could give you a HUGE hug!
Life can get so hard when so many things are out of our control. I truly feel for you and will be sending some extra love your way my friend.
BTW, your baby IS out there, waiting JUST FOR YOU! HE has handpicked him/her.

Rebekah said...

Ditto on ALL the above! Next week will be our 3 month waiting "anniversary," we've only been shown once, and I'm still questioning whether we should completely re-do our profile, change our pictures, and start over! :) So, I'm sure if I were in your shoes the feelings would be that much more magnified. I hate all the unknown. It gets really old, really fast. Why can't we just be moms?

I hear you on the anxiety and needing a break too...I woke up this morning having a difficult time breathing. I knew immediately it was the cause of stress. I don't have the jury duty piece, but I am trying to finish up my last class before graduation on top of all my other responsibilities (and an announcement at work about layoffs after Thanksgiving!).

Let's both take a deep breath and keep pushing through....I hope less stressful days are on their way to you...and me!

Debbie B said...

1 day is too long to wait. The fact that you know that the right time will come is great but it doesn't help you with the wait right now.
I say all that in complete understanding. The waiting stinks but you will get through it. You will reach your goal of parenting you Baby Love.

Ask your case worker what feedback has been received on your profile.
My story of our profile. I was unhappy with our first one and I mentioned this to our case worker but she said it was fine. So I tried to let it go. After we were shown twice Dave got a promotion so I needed to reword it anyhow so I told her I was going to change it and she was very excited to hear that. I could only imagine that it had not received a great review from the 2 expectant moms.
And coincidentally our new profile arrived at our agency the day Isabel was born 2 days before Monica started working with our agency. I know that there would have been one very important thing that was on our old profile that would have made Monica not choose us. So bottom line, if you feel you need to change your profile change it. Get some opinions from others who have gone through it. That's what I did and I got some great criticism.

Your feelings from the e-mail make complete sense. I know the stress of being too busy and so preoccupied with the wait of the adoption. Take those quiet times, read a non-adoption book. Cry and whine if you need to but be sure to bring yourself back up again. Hitting rock bottom happens during the wait. It does. But you'll come back up. You'll hit those high moments of excitement again. And when you least suspect it (or maybe you will just have a knowing feeling in your gut like I did) it will happen. You WILL GET YOUR CALL!!


Nancy said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've been in the pool for one month now and I'm starting to have some of the same thoughts. The wait is hard, but you have to remind yourself that the person who eventually picks you (and you WILL get picked) will be the perfect situation for you. I'm thinking of you as you go through this difficult time. Feel better.

Becky said...

Hey Melba,
Been thinking about you. I know the holidays are a very difficult time when your arms are still empty!! Harder still to read of all those in our bloggy adoption world who are waiting to have babies soon. Hope I can encourage you to keep hanging in there!! You will make it and it will be all the sweeter!

Jamie said...

Melba ~
I just read your comment on "Heart Cries" and I want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I know you're struggling right's normal and we have all been there (i know I have!). It's not easy....and I want you to know you are not alone. Just....thinking of you and wishing you some peace...

Sarah said...

Melba, just wanted to know that I'm thinking about you often... I just left an evil, scroogy comment on Bri's blog, but I don't defile your comments too. :)
Hope you're ok - I know things aren't easy right now.

Doripink said...

We just completed a domestic adoption. If you ever want to chat. I would love to!