Then I looked down at my paper and realized that Charlie will never be able to look at his handwriting and automatically know where it came from. He will never be able to look at any part of himself and know, without a doubt, that it came from his first mom, or from any other biological family member for that matter.
An incredible wave of sadness washed over me.
Of course I know that I am his mom...and I will certainly pass my beliefs, habits, sayings, etc. down to him through nurture but there will be another part of him that will come from nature alone and we will never know the origins of that. What a loss.
I don't talk about {the absence of} his birth mother very much because honestly, it's a little too much for me to tackle sometimes. I think it's one aspect of our story that I'm going to have to digest in small pieces, as we go. I guess my realization today was one of those small pieces.
I'm okay really. The sadness didn't linger, it was more of an observation (a dawning really,) of some of the missing pieces and questions that will be an inevitable part of our future as Charlie grows. It does make me sad but because of my own nature, I go back to the fundamental belief that it is what it is and there must some reason for that, even if I can't completely understand from where I currently stand.
7 comments:
I have those same feelings all the time and I don't even have a child yet. It's natural I'm sure but none the less it hits you like a ton of bricks each time.
I understand, M. Even being present at the birth and having the relationship with Rebekah that we do, I still have moments like that.
He may not have your nose or skin or handwriting, but when someone asks that kid where he learned to be so compassionate...so kindhearted, he will assuredly be able to say, "My mom."
When it comes to matters of the heart you will be the biggest molder in his life.
I have slipped in to those moments before too. A few weeks ago at a family function, a 20 minute discussion happened about who my nephew looks like "oh, he looks like his dad did when he was little...oh, no, he totally looks like granspa...i think he has "smith" eyes...etc". Towards the end of the study of this child I got swept with sadness. Those conversations will never happen about my son amongst our family. But then I usually snap right back in to place. I have a SON! What a blessing. :) :) :)
I hear you. One thing that kinda helps me is for us to point out how he matches us anyway. Like he has his grandma's eyes, and my stubborn temperament, and his dad's love of electronics. Still, though, there are those moments just like what you described here. I'm sure it will be all the more poignant after Rachel is born. Let's just pray that God gave our sons the strength and courage they'll need when it hits them, too.
I think about this all the time, too. It makes me a little sad, but mosty it just makes me wonder how R is going to end up -- like what she is going to look like, what traits she will pick up from me and my husband, what traits will I be able to see in her that I also see in her birth parents... I THINK about it a lot.
Your post makes me think about how many things are unique to us as individuals that we don't even think about. We tend to compare ourselves to others or at least notice similarities. I can list off many things that I do or am that are like my mom or my dad... but what about all those things that, even though I know and was raised by my bio parents, I can't trace back to anyone and are completely unique to me?
Do you know what I mean?
I have no idea what I am trying to say, it just made me think about all those things... because for me, I have terrible handwriting and now that you mention it, my family, including my dad, all have beautiful handwriting. I guess my point is that my bad handwriting didn't come from somewhere, it just is.
I have no point, I guess, other than the fact that your handwriting thing made me think.
My adopted friend doesn't say things like "oh I have my moms nose" or " my dads eyes" but he always says things like "oh I talk like my uncle" or " I run like my dad"
It's not the physical things but the things he learned from them that he got. I always found that interesting. When people are sitting around saying "oh I got my curly hair from my grandma..." he doesn't skip a beat or seem sad that he doesn't know what his grandma looked like.
I have those moments too and we still have some contact with Sylas' biological mom. It's odd. But being adopted myself I find it funny that there are so many ways I'm like my mom and so few ways I'm like my birthmom. I may look like her but I sure act like/think like my mom. Does that make any sense...
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