(The Absence of) Sunshine & Roses

Well friends...it's been a long time since I've really written much here. Mostly that's because of how busy I've been but it's also because I tend to get stuck when I'm struggling. It's hard for me to push aside the old adage, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Struggling may be too strong of a word for my state of being lately anyway. I know I'm not really struggling in the sense that some people are. There are many things in my life for which I am extremely grateful.

Still, my bloggy friend, Rachel kind of hit the nail on the head for me in her post (written a while back) called, "Life is Messy." Boy isn't it! And Rachel's point is her post is that we all try to pretend that our lives aren't messy but that in so doing, we neglect to tell our true stories, to show the nitty gritty reality of who we really are. I think she's absolutely right but I also think it's hard to let that messiness show. At least it is for me.

In any case, here's my attempt at telling the truth...at sharing my messiness with others so that maybe {?} they will learn something from my journey here.

So what is the truth...my truth? One place so start is that it's not all glory - I love my child but being a mommy is not all sunshine and roses. There are times when I really question myself as a mom, especially now that our son is a walking, talking toddler. I used to think I knew what I was doing with children...until I had a child! Now I just think parenting is a much harder job than you can ever really prepare yourself for. There are good days and bad days and there are many beautiful moments along the way but being a good mom (what is a good mom, anyway?} is hard work!

And...while being a "good mom" is one of the very most important things I do, it is only one of the things I do. Some days the stress of keeping it all together (even when I'm not keeping it all together) is simply overwhelming. Our house is often a mess, our dogs need more attention than they get, there is a garage full of clutter attached to our house, there are so many red blinking lights on my never-ending to-do list that sometimes the best I can do is to allow myself to take a nap. Now there you go, that's messy...but it is my truth.

Then there's money and our stress surrounding the current lack of it in our lives. This past year, having no more loan money for the completion of my education and no consistent income on my part. Well, it's been hard. There have been several times when I wasn't sure if we would make it through. But we always do make it, largely because my parents have helped us tremendously when it comes to making ends meet. But that's messy! I'm a 35 year old woman who is still in college and still relying on her parents to help meet expenses. As thankful as I am for their unending support, borrowing from them the way we've had to doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel like a heel.

Speaking of that education I mentioned above...it is taking FOR.EVER! I know I only have a few more months to go until I graduate and I know that time will FLY by but I have been at my whits end with this chapter of my life for longer than I can even say. I don't regret making the decision to go back to school and become a teacher, I think that's a good fit for me. But I also didn't imagine it taking this long or being this expensive, this draining for us. We are tough and we are sticking it out but Michael and I have both been pretty extensively stressed this past year and it's largely due to the fact that I'm still in school and I don't contribute enough to our financial house. I am exhausted just thinking about all the hurdles we've had to overcome. It seems there's always something unexpected that crops up and throws a wrench in things. And messy? What about the job market out there? As much as I can't wait to graduate, I'm terrified to be a job hunter in this climate. There simply isn't much out there when it comes to the teaching field in my state, and we're not in a position to consider moving. It's really alarming to consider the what-ifs in case I can't find a job. I really can't even go there at this point.

Lastly (for this post anyway) there is my relentless and exhausting yearning for more. More what, you ask? Well...more children, of course. I know that with the current state of things in our household I really have no business even thinking about adding to our family at this point. I know that in my brain but try telling that to my heart. I've had several stern conversations with her and she just keeps right on with her unreasonable demands. And what is it with human desire? Why do we always want more than we have? A big part of me feels guilty for even longing for another child. For years I prayed and begged God that if he would only give me ONE child, I would be eternally happy. Plus, I know firsthand how hard it is to not have any children and be wanting them. From that position, it is almost unbearable to hear someone say they want another child, to hear someone complaining about that. And yet, here I am wanting more...talking about wanting more. The truth is though, that I can't deny that part of myself. I DO want more. I have always wanted kids (plural) and I want our son to be a brother. Honestly, right now, I'm just not sure where it all fits. My desires pitted against our reality. Unfortunately, reality wins hands down (for now) but that doesn't change how I really feel in my heart of hearts. It doesn't make all the announcements of "seconds" from the families of children who are exactly (or close to) our son's age any easier to read/hear. I'm not bitter in any way, I am very thankful for what we do have; however, there is a part of me that still does (and probably always will) resent the people out there who can just get a whim to have a baby one day and then they are pregnant the following weekend. Not that I'm even wanting pregnancy, don't misunderstand...but I do want to have a bigger family and it is not going to be an easy process by any stretch of the imagination.


 
            

Things That Go Bump in the Night...

...or "Why You Should Always Clean Up All Toys After the Toddler Goes to Bed!"

We had a bit of a scare in the middle of the night last night.  Michael tripped on a toy, while holding Charlie, and fell.  I had just fallen asleep and was at the beginning of a dream when I heard my husband screaming (and swearing, though I'll leave that part up to your imagination) along with a lot of loud bumps/bangs and some seriously intense baby crying.  I jumped out of bed and was in the hallway before my brain could even comprehend what was happening.  My heart was racing so fast I could feel it banging in my chest.  When I saw my husband lying there, Charlie standing, in tact, beside him, I wanted to scream too.  His legs were in Charlie's room and his head was in the corner of our hall closet, where the door meets the wall.  I picked Charlie up and checked that he was OK.  Thankfully he was, even though he was still crying a lot.  His little heart was pounding too.  At the same time, I was asking Michael if he was OK and what had happened.  He was responding to me, which I knew was good.  I offered him my hand and tried to pull him up but he said no.  I stood there for a minute or two watching him.  I didn't quite know what to do.  I was really scared that he might have seriously injured (as in broken) his back or neck.  I went and sat down on the toilet so I could try to think calmly and assess the situation.  We were talking the whole time but I'm not sure what exactly was being said.  I finally got Charlie to calm down enough to stop crying and we just sat there, a little shocked.  Michael managed to get up and limp back into our bedroom.  I followed him and asked, again, if he was OK.  He asked me if his foot was bleeding and I looked at it and saw that it was.  He cut the bottom of it pretty badly, though we're still not sure exactly how.  I cleaned and bandaged his foot, making sure that the bleeding had stopped.  He said his elbow, head, neck and back were also hurting.  I asked him a few questions to make sure he was thinking clearly.  His elbow was grazed pretty badly with a red friction burn on it.  There were no other visible injuries so my main concern at that point was whether or not he had a concussion.  We waited a few more minutes and I asked him if he thought we should go to the ER.  He said no, that he just needed some Tylenol and water.  I got those for him and also cleaned up the blood from the floor.  We all tried to lie back down but after that adrenaline rush, none of us could truly relax again for quite some time.  We finally did manage to fall back asleep, though I'm not sure how long it took.

Things seem to be almost back to normal today but Michael is definitely bruised and sore.  He said that when he fell, the only thing he could think of was not falling on top of Charlie.  He basically did a complete turn and landed flat on his back in order to protect the boy.  I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I am that this incident wasn't so much worse.  It certainly could have been, on many levels.  We usually do a reasonable job of picking up all the toys after Charlie goes to bed but once in a while there is a toy here or there.  Hard to imagine that one erstwhile plastic truck can create such distress.  I'm feeling pretty relieved and thankful for my little family today, I just hope Michael feels better soon.

Quality vs. Quantity

Today was one of those days...you know the kind.  Running all over the place but not really accomplishing much at all.  I had a lot of school stuff to do and a standing social obligation that I didn't want to pass up.  Hence, I had very little time with the boy today.

Still, when we were together, we were cuddling and laughing and happy.  Certainly that counts for something, right?  I hope it counts for a lot because come the fall, when I start my full-time student teaching stint, that's the way things are going to be for us, most of the time.

I'm literally split right down the middle about the major changes that are headed our way in a little over a month.  One part of me is excited in a great anticipation sort of way and one part of me is terrified in an, "I don't know if I can do this" sort of way.  On top of my own anticipation/fear came the news that we will need to find new child care arrangements for C.  This development was not terribly surprising but still makes me feel sad.  We had a great arrangement going last year and I'm sad to see it go.  On the other hand, C. is getting to the age where it will be very beneficial for him to be around other kids and to have a little more structure to his days.  Yet again, I feel split right down the middle:  One part sad and one part excited to see what the next chapter holds.

I know it will all be fine.  I know plenty of people work full time (plus!) and still manage to maintain a great relationship/bond with their children.  I know many of you do it.  My sister does it.  I also know plenty of people who greatly enjoy their work away from home because they feel truly connected when they come back, rejuvenated rather than burned out.  Besides, it's not like I've been home full time forever.  I've had the blessing of two beautiful, languid summers with C. but I've also been pretty consistently busy with school since he was four months old.  I guess what I'm most worried about/scared of is the loss of my flexibility.  School allows for that...not only in terms of scheduling but in case anything unexpected comes up out of the blue.  While I do place attendance high on my list of priorities, I don't have to go to school if I don't want to.  With student teaching, I will put my very best professional foot forward and work...probably harder than I ever have before {not that I don't work hard now or haven't in the past} and it will all be for no pay.  That's an exhausting prospect no matter how you slice it.  At the same time, I can't wait to experience the whole picture of life in the classroom as someone other than the substitute teacher for the day...to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, so to speak, and get my feet wet for what my future career will really be like.

Ahhhh...I'm just so mixed, so all over the place about how I really feel.  And the time is flying by, fast!  Today was a glimpse into how I'm going to feel every day come the fall and it was bittersweet for me, in a big way!        

It's My Moms'

This afternoon in class, someone leaned over to me and said, "You have amazing handwriting." It was an unexpectedly kind comment and without even missing a beat I replied, "Oh thanks, it's my moms'."

Then I looked down at my paper and realized that Charlie will never be able to look at his handwriting and automatically know where it came from. He will never be able to look at any part of himself and know, without a doubt, that it came from his first mom, or from any other biological family member for that matter.

An incredible wave of sadness washed over me.

Of course I know that I am his mom...and I will certainly pass my beliefs, habits, sayings, etc. down to him through nurture but there will be another part of him that will come from nature alone and we will never know the origins of that. What a loss.

I don't talk about {the absence of} his birth mother very much because honestly, it's a little too much for me to tackle sometimes. I think it's one aspect of our story that I'm going to have to digest in small pieces, as we go. I guess my realization today was one of those small pieces.

I'm okay really. The sadness didn't linger, it was more of an observation (a dawning really,) of some of the missing pieces and questions that will be an inevitable part of our future as Charlie grows. It does make me sad but because of my own nature, I go back to the fundamental belief that it is what it is and there must some reason for that, even if I can't completely understand from where I currently stand.

Two Inches...

My 17-year-old nephew was in a car accident this morning, and the paramedics told him that if he had been two inches taller, he probably wouldn't have survived. He crashed into a semi-truck and the entire roof caved. Apparently he hit the central wheel base of the truck, and if the impact would have been to the right or left even slightly, the top of the car would have been completely cut off. I saw the pictures of the car and it made me feel sick. Apparently the driver of the truck didn't even approach Nick's car because he assumed the worst. Over the years my nephew has struggled with being the kid who's shorter than all his peers. All I can say is that I am thankful beyond words for the two inches that have turned out to be vital to Nick's life.

He is okay. Bruised, scraped, and scared...but thankfully okay. After seeing those photos, I'm honestly not sure how he walked away from a crash like that with only a band-aid and a headache. I know that if I would have seen something like this on the road, I would have assumed the driver of the car probably hadn't survived. I could cry. Thankful does not even come close to my thoughts tonight. Thoughts of how much worse this day could have been send shudders down my spine.

They took him to the hospital, and have done every kind of scan you can imagine to make sure there are no internal injuries. My family is in the process of piling in the car and driving down to Indiana to visit. It's probably not essential that we go there, but we all just want to give Nick a hug and tell him we love him. I am feeling pretty shaken right now, and still pretty upset, but also tremendously thankful that he wasn't seriously hurt.

This was written earlier today. We are back home in MI now, and all seems to be as well as could be expected with Nick. Tonight I am really wishing that he wasn't quite so far away, but it is what it is. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers!!

Joy and Sorrow

Wow, what a week it's been in blogland! This adoption stuff can be one heck of a crazy roller coaster at times. Tonight I'm feeling a little melancholy. I've been absolutely elated for E, with the wonderful news of her recent match, and that great news came on the heels of good news for RB too.

But then, as is always a risk with this journey, RB got the news we all dread: a failed match. And worse yet, this is the second time they have had to go through this turmoil. Somehow that just doesn't seem fair to me. I just feel so heavy and sad for her, and I can't even imagine the magnitude of her pain.

Then there's Kel, who is waiting for news right now, and who waits so patiently in general. She has had a rather tumultuous few weeks with lots of adoption drama going on, and my heart goes out to her. Ashley also wrote a beautiful post about the journey she has been through this past year, going from thinking she was going to lose her son to the realization that he was going to be placed with them after all. What a beautiful story and heartwarming post!

Then there are also recent posts from Sarah and Jessie, both of whom are dealing with the loss of their mothers, amongst many other challenges. Both of these women seem incredibly strong to me, and they remind me that every day is special, and that bitching about the insignificant stuff in life is truly a waste of time and energy.

I guess tonight I'm just feeling unsettled. There has been tremendous joy and sorrow all in this one week, and it's left me feeling really emotional. I'm definitely counting my blessings, and saying a lot of prayers (both of thanks, and for healing) for all of you out there. Honestly when I started blogging, it was for me. Well...for me, and for my family so they could follow our journey. Now it's so much more than that. I still tell our story, and I blog for Charlie now too...but I LOVE the connections that have happened here. I feel as though I know so many of you on a truly personal level, and that is pretty cool considering the distances that lie between us.

Clouds

Lately there have been some heavier topics on my mind...clouds entering my perpetual state of happiness if you will. I've been thinking a lot about Charlie's story, and how we will frame it (especially the sad parts) for him so that it's not too painful. Obviously the truth will always be at the center of everything we tell him, but I so want to protect him from the negatives...and mostly from the negative perceptions of people who don't know us.

I read an article a while back about positive adoption language. It was written by an adoptive mom who meant well, but some of the comments that were left for her were harsh. Quite frankly, they were hard to read, but they also really got me thinking. I can totally see some of the points made in the responses. I can understand how telling a child his first mother "made an adoption plan" for him because she loved him would leave him with some confusion about love. Young children take everything literally, so I get what some of these adoptees were trying to say. Although, I don't necessarily agree that to frame a child's story in a positive light is to sugar coat it in a way that is inappropriate. After reading some of these comments, I am left feeling sad, and wondering, "What is the right thing to say?" As Charlie's mommy, how do I explain it properly?

The sad fact is that pain and loss are central to every adoption story, but is it wrong for us adoptive parents to want to handle our children gently where their adoption stories are concerned? The reailty of some of the comments is that they don't consider the alternative...and they certainly don't offer a "better" solution to the language/terminology/viewpoint they are naysaying. The point is, this just has me thinking a lot about what we will tell him when he's old enough to understand. I really don't know the answer to that. Right now we tell him parts of his story all the time, and I talk to him about adoption almost every day...but right now I'm just talking, practicing for the future I guess. Right now it doesn't matter the way it will someday, when he can understand.

Then there is the age-old balancing act of being a mom with the rest of life. School starts again soon and I'm nervous. Nervous about being away from my baby for two [very] long days every week. I realize it could be worse, but I'm not going to see him at all two days a week and I'm really not sure I'm OK with that fact. I'm also nervous about being able to study and continue to be the kind of student I've been for the last several years. I would love it if I could simply be with him for this first year, but in the long run that isn't really what I want either. The thought of putting school on hold, even for a year, gives me an entirely different kind of stomach ache. And all this begs the question, "In fulfilling my dream of motherhood, have I lost myself?" The answer to that question is inevitably yes...or at least I have lost some former parts of myself.

But is that bad? Is it not appropriate that some of the old me should be cast away as I make room for a new little person? I have always been a very involved, very active person with a lot of hobbies and interests. People talk about being bored, but I rarely have times when I can't find something to do that interests me. And now...well, I'm finding that things like gardening, and writing in my paper journals, and keeping up with my other blog, and taking non-baby photographs...they are falling by the wayside. And yet, at the end of the day I feel satisfied that my time that day was well spent. I will never reach a point where I look at my child and wonder if I spent enough time with him, or held him enough, because the answer to that will always be yes. To me, that is as it should be, but what about having a sense of self outside of being a mom? Certainly there is value added to the child by having a mom who is self-interested and self-involved to an extent. I think the key here (as with most things in life) is balance...but how do you strike a healthy balance, and how do you know that it is healthy, as opposed to having the scale tipped too much in one direction or the other?

Then there are my thoughts about racism and how to handle that as Charlie gets older. We are fortunate in that we are in a very diverse area where there are many "different" families and resources available to us, but there are still some hard truths here that we must all learn to face as our family grows. I'm in no way ready to tackle this topic in a manner that will give it fair play on my blog, but I do think about it a fair amount, and somewhere in there, I'm trying to make it all make sense. One thing that having Charlie has taught me in a short time is that being "different" brings the reality of racism in our society to the surface. I've been trying to find some good books on the topic so any suggestions would be appreciated. These thoughts leave me with the question, "Is my love enough to protect him?" To some degree I think it is, but in time, I will also have to teach him how to handle this particular evil of our world with a sense of pride, self confidence, and humor. That amongst all the other "normal" growing up lessons and difficulties. Wow, now that is a tall order if ever there was one!

All of the above having been said...or typed...there is still such tremendous joy that floods my heart every time I look into the eyes of my sweet little boy. It is such a gift to be "the one" for him. To be able to make him smile and giggle like no other, and to be the one who can comfort him when he's upset. To be "Mommy," well...there is nothing sweeter or more rewarding!

Deflated

Lately I've been feeling pretty good, but these last couple days...it's like someone deflated my balloon. I can't pinpoint one thing that's gotten me down, other than the strong likelihood that my mood is largely in response to the monsoon-like weather Michigan has had recently. I actually enjoy the rain, but this has been a little too much for me. We had over two inches of rain this past weekend, complete with a flooded basement, and it's still coming down tonight. *Sigh*

The situation I mentioned in this post turned into another "no." Without going into details, I will say that my very first thought at hearing that news was one of relief more than anything else. That definitely tells you something. Still, every "no" also comes with some sadness for me. In theory, I do know our time will come, but practically speaking, this wait feels eternal.

I fear that I may become bitter the longer this takes. The rejection never gets any easier, no matter what the situation entails, but my reaction changes a little each time. The inevitable tears I cry take a little longer to arrive each subsequent time we receive the same basic email from our CW. They always sound similar, and basically say something to the effect of, "I know this is difficult, but so-and-so has chosen another family..." The more times I read those words, the more detached my reaction becomes. Maybe this is a healthy/normal defense mechanism, but it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

In any case, our wait continues and I'm just plugging away. As miserable as I sound in this post, I'm really not. I am tired tonight, and therefore may be feeling a little more on edge than normal, but for the most part I'm just "walking along the plateau" (thanks to BB for that) of this journey.

Honestly...

Thanks to Eileen and Alicia for the "Honest Scrap" award! Here are the rules of the award:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap."
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

And here are my honest ramblings:

1. I am seriously addicted to Facebook.
2. I think I might love my dogs too much, don't know how I will cope when they die.
3. I am afraid we will never be chosen to be parents.
4. I'm frustrated that I'm 33 and still working on my education.
5. My house is embarrassingly messy sometimes (OK, oftentimes!)
6. I often feel lonely at church and I'm not sure this makes sense.
7. I am terrified of death and losing the people I love.
8. I have an intense fear of escalators and falling down stairs.
9. I wish I was thinner...
10. I want to get laperoscopic bariatric surgery (for what I think are the right reasons) but I'm scared, scared, scared...of the consequences, possible complications, and of doing it alone.

Just like Eileen, I'm feeling maybe that was a bit too honest. I'm also not sure who to tag, because so many of the blogs I read have already done this one. If you're reading this and you haven't yet been tagged, consider yourself tagged now! :) I honestly find beauty and brilliance in all of the blogs I read, in one way or another. I'd love to hear 10 honest things from all of you!

The Name of My Game

OK, Friends...obviously I've been biting my blogging tongue lately since my last post was over two weeks ago. I know some of you have been wondering where I've been and I have to tell you, I've been trying to think about things other than adoption. I thought maybe even a break from blogging would help in that endeavor, but it hasn't. No matter what I do, or how much I tempt the fates by making myself insanely busy...adoption is still there in the recesses of my mind. Even when I ignore it, waiting is still the name of my game. I have been overwhelmingly busy, and that's 3/4 of the reason I've been absent from blogging lately, but I've also been testing my emotions during this time to see if a break made me feel any better. I probably don't have to tell you that it didn't...we all know how therapeutic blogging can be.

Before I continue, I'm giving you a wet blanket alert. You should know that if you read further, it's probably going to be depressing. Believe me, I've tried thinking about only those things for which I am thankful (there are many,) I've tried biding my time by preoccupying myself with other activities, and I've tried thinking positively. Purposeful though those things are, they are simply not enough to soothe my soul. My heart--and consequently my mind, always comes back to the unmistakable sense of longing I feel. I thought about sugar-coating this post, in an attempt to avoid being an emotional drain to my readers, but then I thought better of that idea. My #1 goal with this blog has always been to tell our adoption story (from my perspective) as it unfolds.

As it happens, this part of our process is not filled with warm fuzzy thoughts and uplifting news. We are where we are and that's just that. I talked to our social worker recently and there is still no news about any potential birth families. I feel discouraged by this. I've read several other posts, etc. lately that have indicated this is a very busy time for other agencies, so I'm wondering what's going on with ours? November and December were packed and now there's just nothing? I'm also worried because our home study was in late April last year and I have a feeling we're going to have to get that updated. I don't think it's a big ordeal, but it does mean more money and more paperwork, which, quite frankly, makes me feel exhausted. I just wonder when our time is going to come.

How much longer must wait and how much more must we endure? All we want is a family, why does it seem that's too much to ask? I want to be a mom...I need to be a mom, to raise a family with the man I love. Why does that heartfelt desire have to be so unendingly difficult? There are so very many questions in my mind and in my heart, I'm ready for some answers. I feel angry, disappointed, sad...so very sad. I HATE feeling this way. Negativity goes against my grain. I am a very laid back person, and there was a time in my life when I would have described myself as optimistic. The years of pain associated with infertility, and to a lesser extent, adoption have altered that aspect of my personality somewhat. I hate the notion that I may be a drag to the people who are trying to support me, but having said that, I can't change how I feel and I don't want to pretend to be someone or something I'm not.

In a big way, I feel so completely exhausted, and more than situationally exhausted, if that makes any sense. I'm tired of always being on the sidelines of motherhood...on the outside looking in. I'm tired of being the support person and the one who fills in the gaps for the real mothers. I want a leading role and I feel like I'm ready for such a role. HOW MUCH LONGER DO WE HAVE TO WAIT?

Whatever...there is really nothing more I can say tonight. I know that there is no way to succinctly explain everything that's on my mind. Anyone who could read minds would run screaming if they took a look at mine right now. I am spent.

Technically...

...I shouldn't be classified as a living thing. Who knew that the study of life science would make me feel so vulnerable? The other night in my biology methods class, we talked about the five characteristics of living things, one of which is reproduction. So since I'm not able to reproduce, does this mean I'm not a living thing? It's two parts funny and one part sad for me to think about this. I almost raised my hand to ask, but I refrained since that would have been pretty weird.

I gotta' admit it, I am not enjoying my semester thus far. I've flipped my schedule from T/Th to M/W/F, which means there are no familiar faces in the hallways these days. I guess I'm feeling kind of lonely on the school front. I also am not impressed with any of my professors at this point. They all seem a little too intense for my taste. Hopefully it will get better...

Even though I said I was feeling far away from all the adoption thoughts in my last post, I may have spoken too soon. I've been diligently checking my email lately, hoping there might be word from our social worker. In her last correspondence she said, "I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving and that the year ahead brings good news." Yes, it's been since Thanksgiving since we've heard anything. I guess I sort of tucked her comment away in the back of my mind and now that the new year is here I've been expecting/hoping we would hear something.

Then again...getting our hopes up only to have them come down isn't fun either so maybe it's better this way. There seems to be no good way for me to deal with all of this. If I think about it too much I drive myself crazy and get depressed, and if I don't think about it enough it creeps up on me anyway. AARGHHHHH! I guess there is just no easy way...no detour through this wait.

Better Luck Next Time...

Human hope is an amazing thing. Sometimes my capacity to have so much hope, even in the face of doubt and uncertainty scares me. That said, I realize hope has been a saving grace at many times in my life too.

The birthmom who was looking at our profile still isn't sure she's going to make an adoption plan, but if she does she has chosen another couple. I am having a hard time right now. I feel mostly sad, but also a little stupid for allowing myself to get so worked up about this. In some ways I wish I wouldn't have known we were being considered - then I wouldn't even know I'm supposed to feel sad right now! I was already imagining so many amazing things relating to THIS baby and THIS birthmom...I had myself completely convinced that this was "the one." Now I just feel like I'm stuck under a huge, gray cloud of sadness and disappointment. WHY did I do this to myself??? Our profile may be shown MANY more times before we are chosen...clearly I can't keep doing this every time a birthmom is considering us, I'll never make it through.

Whatever - I know there is still hope left over in my heart. "This too shall pass," as Ma B (my dad's mom) always used to say. Much like the days of infertility, right after another late period would start...I just have to give myself a little time to process this sadness, then I'll pick up the pieces and get back to the business of hoping for our "right time"--our baby to come soon. What else is there?

******Updated to attempt to answer a couple of questions from the comments:******

I was actually a little surprised when we were asked if we wanted to be shown to this birthmom in the first place. I found myself thinking OF COURSE we want to be shown. If our acceptability checklist matches her wishes ans situation then YES...we want to be shown, wasn't that the whole point to begin with?! I THINK our agency has the basic policy that if they have information to share they share it. I haven't spoken to our CW about any of this in person, only via email so this is all my own speculation. I am torn. I just read on another blog about a mistake that was made by an agency that caused an otherwise acceptable match to fall through. For this reason I think it's nice to be asked in advance if we want to be shown. That way we can be sure the situation is truly one with which we could feel comfortable. At the same time, knowing we were being considered was HARD and I'm not entirely sure I want to go through this up and down cycle every single time until "the one" finally happens. I guess I've always sort of envisioned getting a magical, life-changing call someday and then being lost in the whirlwind of impending motherhood. I never quite expected this much of a roller coaster! I still have a lot of processing to do about all of this. In one respect I can already see that this may have been a touchy situation. The birthmom doesn't sound AT ALL sure she wants to pursue adoption, which means she very well may change her mind when it's all said and done. I'm going to wait a few days and then I may talk to our CW about how all of this happened and whether or not the agency requires us to know about prospective birthmoms, or if there is some kind of choice in the matter for us.

They All Look Like Me

I've recently started attending services at a small church near my house. This is about the 5th week I've been there. People are starting to remember me, and I'm really beginning to like the place. That said though, I am conflicted. There are a myriad of reasons for my feelings, and if you're interested you can read the post from my other blog about this topic.

Still, I am willing to at least try. My pull towards church has been strong for a while, but until recently I haven't acted upon it. I can't say exactly why now is the time for me, I guess there are lots of reasons. Maybe I'm looking towards church as a possible answer to some of my sadness as of late, or maybe as a means toward establishing a church connection now for the sake of our future children?

Today it occurred to me as I was sitting amongst the congregation that everyone there looked exactly like me. Not exactly, of course, but what I mean is that they were all the same color. Ten years ago I wouldn't have given this a single thought...in fact I probably would have been comforted by the sameness. But having lived in a diverse area and become much more educated on the topic of diversity, I now find the sameness unsettling. This is to say absolutely nothing of the fact that we may very well adopt a baby who does not look exactly like us. Questions abound.

Is this a big deal if I don't make it one? Is it not common, even necessary, for churches to be somewhat polarized in the types of people they attract? Will our future baby, regardless of the color of his or her skin be completely accepted and welcomed at this church? Will he/she feel safe and at peace there as I hope? Will we be accepted as a less traditional family? Or will it be awkward and weird for everyone, most importantly our future child...which of course is the very last thing I want? Without anyone else to ask or even observe, how will I know the answers to these questions before it's too late? I feel strongly about attending a smaller, local church for lots of reasons. I've tried the huge, modern church thing and it simply isn't for me. But I wonder, is that type of church the only place I have hope of finding the diversity I now long for? I even think these issues are/would be different for someone who is already established at a church, versus someone like me who is starting from scratch.

I'm trying not to over-think this, but after I had that thought this morning, I can't seem to stop it rolling around in my head. I don't even know what's going to happen for us in terms of the child we adopt, but that begs another question. Would I desire and seek out diversity at a church on behalf of our baby even if he/she does look like us? That's one I'll have to ponder for a while, but regardless of the answer, more questions inevitably spring forth. If not, why not, and if so...still the question of what (if anything) to do about all this?

Definitely some serious food for thought!

Blessings Abound

For any of you who haven't already heard the fantastic news, check out Yoka's Blog and her sweet posts about her first few days with their beautiful daughter, Lillian. I've been reading Yoka's story for a while now, and I am absolutely thrilled for them!! It's funny how we pre-adoptive, and eventually adoptive parents have an automatic connection sometimes. I feel as though I know Yoka personally, even though I only know her through her words here on the blogosphere. I am truly overjoyed for this new little family!

A little closer to home, we got excellent news today that my niece-to-be is doing just fine. I haven't written about this, partly because it's not about me, (which always makes me wonder exactly how much I can comfortably say,) and partly because I was too afraid. My sister went for an ultrasound last week and called me afterwords with the very scary news that the baby's heartbeat was irregular. She would have to go see a specialist at the local university hospital. I listened to her and tried my best to give what little comfort I could. I cried, I prayed and I asked for prayers on her behalf. I have been absolutely sick with worry this whole week, but I have been trying to think positively. The appointment with the specialist was this morning. You can imagine my relief when I got my sister's voice mail message that all the results were normal. She sounded relieved and I am so very thankful for this turn of events. She's off to a work conference the rest of this week, so I may or may not get to talk to her in person before she gets back. All I can say is WOW...and thank you to any and all of you who said prayers (Tracey) on our behalf.

My Own Personal Flood

No...I'm not in Iowa and {luckily} our basement isn't flooding right now, despite the large amount of rain we've had recently. For those two things I am grateful. But for some reason I can't shake the overall feeling of sadness I've had hanging over me these past several days.

I've been thinking a lot about life and death and the inevitability of it all. I think what first set me off is the realization that our puppy--our fur baby, Ditto is aging. She's eight now, going on nine...and she's starting to show her years. This little dog has been my baby. Simply put, I cannot imagine my life without her...and yet I know those days will come. When you get a pet, you pretty much know that (barring some freak accident) you will outlive that pet. But that realization doesn't actually hit home until you start to see the age in your beloved pet's eyes. Ditto is fine, really...she should still have several good years with us, but I guess I am hypersensitive to her changes because of how much I've loved her all these years. Without her I really feel like my heart would have shriveled up into a bitter, twisted little ball by now. Clearly I'm being overly dramatic but I just feel...so very sad right now.

The other factor is the silence in my house these days. Normally during the school year I care for my niece and another little girl here in my home three days a week. Both of their mothers work in the schools and now that school is out, my services are no longer needed. This is new for me this summer. In the past I had another little girl whose family wasn't affiliated with the schools so I cared for her all year. Plus my own school is out, except for one math class, so I'm not nearly as busy with my own activities as I have been for the past several months. I still see the kids in question, I am lucky in that regard, but it's just not the same. There is something different about having them here with me and having them all to myself than there is about seeing them for a few hours from time to time. I can't explain it any better than that. A lot of people who are infertile try to stay away from kids and keep any reminders of them at bay, but my coping strategy has been the exact opposite. For me, the more kids I can be around, the less preoccupied I am with my own lack of children, hence the happier I feel.

On top of all this...my dear friend (the mother of the other little girl I care for) and her family are moving away at the end of this summer. I am happy for them, because this change is one they've been longing for, but I'm so very sad they are leaving. I am going to miss them more than mere words can describe. It's not like we won't still be friends, but things are always different from a distance, they just are. All through my childhood my family was the one who moved away. I've lived in Michigan now for 15 years, and I guess that's a long time...now I'm the one being left behind. This is all foreign to me. Another close friend moved away a year ago and now this one, plus there have been several other people (just not quite as close) who have moved away over the past couple of years. I guess it's the changes I don't like. Change is inevitable but hard. I'm struggling with this and it is adding to my sadness.

Then there's adoption. Mostly I feel happy, but in an odd way I also feel sad. Our agency sent out an email this week (an email!!!) about a little baby who was deprived of oxygen for several minutes right after birth. The hospital used cold pack therapy to try and minimize any damage to her brain, but of course the extent of that will not be known until she begins to develop more. Well...because of the medical intervention...the family who was going to adopt this little one decided to back out. I guess there was some conflict with their own religious views and the medical treatment the baby received. SO...cut to the email I received...this sweet baby will need a new home. Her case will probably be handled as a "safe delivery," which is a law in Michigan (maybe in other states too?) that allows any birth parent to relinquish their newborn to any hospital, church, police officer, or fire station within 72 hours after birth, no questions asked. So after being gone all day long Monday, I got home and found THAT waiting in my inbox. Our adoption specialist is out of town right now and the birth parent specialist is doing both jobs. I'm not sure WHY this kind of information was sent out in email form, and I'm especially not sure why we received it since WE'RE NOT EVEN OFFICIALLY IN THE POOL YET. My heart aches for that little baby. We would open our home to her in a heartbeat (as I'm sure MANY other people waiting to adopt would) but we can't yet because of a few small formalities. And meanwhile this baby is in the hospital with no one holding her as I am here, heartbroken because I have no sweet baby to hold. SOMETIMES THE IRONIES OF LIFE ARE JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH FOR ME!!! I love our agency and I have no other complaints about them, but how could they send such delicate/sensitive information via email?? Why did they do that?? I know the caseworker must have been overwhelmed and was probably doing the best she could...but seriously...she sent that above information out to a group of people who are all aching to become parents. HOW INSENSITIVE IS THAT?!!!

At times like this I have to take a deep breath and remember that I am where I am supposed to be and that things happen for a reason. I know it will all make sense someday when I look into the face of the child we have waited all these years to parent. Intellectually I know that, but emotionally I feel drained and pretty much like I don't know if I can wait one more day to become a mother. And yet I have no choice, so here I sit and here I am, waiting and nearly about to drown myself in sorrow. Normally I try to be positive and happy, but I just don't have it in me right now.

It Made Me Cry

Today we worked on our "acceptability checklist" for the adoption paperwork. We've both been putting this part off, but we had today off and it was time. This is the list of doom. Basically there is a line for just about every birth defect, disorder, abnormality, or problem you can think of. There is a section for the unborn babies in question, as well as one for the birth parents and family. Next to each line we have to check "yes," "no," or, "consult." I know it's important for us to seriously consider what we can and can't handle as parents, but how can you really know that for sure?

If I were pregnant--and believe me I've thought about what that would be like--we would never have a choice about many of these things. They would just happen. I'm sure we would be shocked, sad, scared, whatever...but then...ultimately we would figure out how to deal with whatever the hardship was and we would just do what we had to do. Having to check yes or no is heart wrenching. Luckily there is that third option of "consult" but even still this is one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to complete.

What we both want is what every expecting parent wants--a healthy baby. Of course we don't WANT a child with down syndrome, or HIV, or any of the other myriad of problems on the list. But no one wants that for their children! And yet plenty of people have it! And what if we say no and limit our chances? Does that thought alone make us bad people...selfish people? On the other hand, what if we say yes to...say...a drug addicted baby, but for the wrong reasons? What then? What if, because we want so much to be parents, and we want to be good people, we end up with a situation we were never prepared for, and one we aren't equipped to handle?

I read an article in our adoption binder called, "The Child We Might Have Been Too Blind to See," and that's when the tears came. It's this sweet story about baby Melissa. She was born at only 2 pounds, with undeveloped lungs, and many other issues. They didn't think she would live more than a few weeks, much less ever walk or talk. The story ends with baby Melissa performing a solo in her kindergarten play. Yes she has issues and yes her life will be challenging...but with the love of the parents who adopted her, she has come farther than anyone ever thought possible.

How do we balance between a story like that and our own desire for a healthy (not perfect, just healthy) baby? How do we answer honestly and be true to ourselves, yet avoid closing too many doors to our hope of a successful adoption? My heart feels heavy today, and I guess I'm sad a little bit in general. I'm happy we're getting all our requirements done, and moving forward, but I still feel sad.

I think we'll be making an appointment with Elly and Amanda for next week sometime, to review our birthparent letter, album, and remaining paperwork. One day at a time...

Fingerprints

We went to get fingerprinted during lunch time today. We were nervous because we had to go to a somewhat seedy area of town for this procedure, and it seemed even more weird when the road we had to turn on led into an apartment complex. I asked the woman at the gate if we were at the right place and she said, yes, fingerprints are done in the guest house. Weird! So anyway we found everything okay, and once we got there the people were very friendly and efficient. Now we've got one more to-do checked off our list. I'm still plugging away on our album, should have it done in another week or so if all goes well.

Will it ever be?

You know...I try to maintain a positive outlook with this whole adoption journey we're going through...especially here on my blog, but today I'm just not feeling it. There's a saying for bridesmaids who feel like they'll never get married: "always the bridesmaid, never the bride," but there isn't really a saying for the woman who wants to be a mom but feels like she may never experience that joy. Always the nanny, never the mom...always an aunt, never a mom. Those could both describe me. And it's not that I'm unhappy with those aspects of my life. I love all the children I know very much but I'm so ready for more...for family and bath time and bed time and children that don't go home at night and don't call me Melba. I think I'm just tired. It's finals time at school and with five professors expecting stellar final projects and high ending exam grades from me (and me expecting that from myself) I'm finding these days exhausting.

Then there's all the pregnancy showing its lovely face. I have one friend who is pregnant with twins, another who wants to get pregnant soon and I also just found out my sister is expecting again. While I am thrilled for each of these families, and I would never want to subtract from their joy...it's still hard to realize our baby may still be years away. In a weird way I'm "expecting" too, but there's no guarantee for me like there is for them. There's also no sense of timing and that's hard. This could all happen in the next year or so and it could also take three more years. Or my greatest fear of all...what if it never happens?

I knew when we started all this that it would be hard--as if all the preceding years of infertility and disappointment weren't--but I guess I'm feeling generally overwhelmed right now.

As my dad's mom, Ma B always used to say...this too shall pass. Hopefully I'll feel better soon.

Waves

My nervousness has been coming and going in waves these past several days. It's so weird to think this is all happening. Right now. On one hand I feel completely prepared for the journey ahead and on the other I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing or what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm really excited for the home visit and the home study process because I'm ready to complete all the requirements so we can be in the pool of waiting parents but on the other hand it feels utterly overwhelming and clunky as we make our way down the path to "the pool." I know we'll get there eventually and part of me can't wait for that. The other part of me though is scared of fall the unknowns. My feelings and my back-and-forth mind frame are weird, I'm not really sure how to make sense of all this.

On a happy note though, my parents came over to help us on Saturday. With their financial and physical assistance, we were able to get some really big projects started and/or taken care of. We got our front garage door fixed, which has been semi-broken since 2003 and completely broken since last year. We're also getting a bran new back garage door installed, which is great since the one we have now is ancient and is pretty much a disaster waiting to happen. My dad is also putting in a new screen on our sliding glass door, a new storm door for our back door, a new lighting fixture in our kitchen, and a replacement screen in our front door. All this stuff has been piling up for some time and it feels so great to be getting it taken care of. My mom has also been helping me do some deep spring cleaning, which is so needed and getting it done feels great! I think our tub is as clean as it was when we bought it and our book shelves have probably never been cleaner. It's all good and...home study in progress or not...this all feels like good work and good improvements being made.

So there are four more days until the one I'm counting down to, I'm sure there will be more to come...

Home Visit

Well it looks like our home visit (one very important part of our overall pre-placement assessment) is probably going to be on Thursday, March 27th! It didn't take Elly long at all to review our papers. I'm SUPER excited and also SUPER nervous!! I've been reading a little on what to expect and, amongst other things, this is what I found:

"The most important thing to remember is to remain calm about the home visit – the purpose of the social worker’s visit is not to find ways to turn you down, but rather, to be able to confidently recommend you (and your home) as a great place to raise a child." That from Exploring Adoption, which is a web site with lots of valuable info.

Still though - all those old myths and things I've heard in the past about surprise visits and extreme nitpicking make me nervous. I know Elly is working with our (and our future child's) best interest at heart...I KNOW that...and yet I'm still all jittery inside. The other part of me though, is EXCITED, elated in fact!! It feels SO GOOD to be finally moving along. I've wanted this...to be a mom...for such a very long time and now we are making progress toward that reality.

I feel like laughing and crying all at once!!!