Year End Reflections

I'm finding it hard to believe 2009 is right around the corner. We celebrated Michael's 37th birthday alongside Christmas on December 25th and I realized I met him when he was 23 years old. That seems almost impossible, but it's true. We also celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary on December 29th (can you tell December is a busy month for us?) and that was also a great day. We have been through so much together and stayed strong through it all. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, solid, loving husband by my side.

As I reflect back on the year, I am realizing there are many aspects of my life for which I am extremely grateful. Our marriage, our home, our dogs, our family, our jobs--this life we have created, though not yet complete, is truly beautiful. I have long since given up trying to predict when our lives may be touched by the magic of a little one, though I hope that time comes soon. Still, what we do have is precious and treasured. Sometimes it becomes all too easy to focus on what's missing and on the things for which I still so long. It's easy to get bogged down and caught up in what comes next, instead of appreciating what's already right here. So, my goal for now is to be where I am...to appreciate this life exactly as it is and to truly live in the moment. Wish me luck!

Happy New Year, Everyone...I am so thankful for all of you who are with me us on this journey!

All Those Kids

I subbed in a 4th grade classroom today and we went down to the auditorium for a choir concert this afternoon. Watching those kids singing up on stage, it occurred to me that at least timing-wise, one of them could have been ours. We officially started seeking support for infertility when I was 25, but we had several years of doing nothing to prevent pregnancy prior to that. I'm 33 now so technically we could have a child as old as 10. Heck, if things had worked out according to my plans I'd have had a whole house full of the little buggers by now!

I guess melancholy would be the right word for how this made me feel. Not quite sad, but definitely pensive. I can't really imagine having a nine or ten year old right now, and yet that's what I had in mind back at the beginning of what has become a very long journey to parenthood. I know it will happen when the time is right, but I just wish that time could be now. I don't want to be any older than I am now to get started. Not that there's anything wrong with being an older parent...I know lots of people who are waiting longer and longer to start families these days. I just never thought that would be us and I'm ready to get the show on the road.

I don't really know how to explain this, but sometimes I still feel like a kid in a grown up body. Like sometimes when I'm leading a group of 30+ kids down the hallway, I wonder why the adults I pass don't question the fact that I'm in charge of so many kids. Then I remember that I'm the responsible adult in the vicinity and the realization that this is my real life hits me. I always used to feel like my life would start when ________ (fill in the blank) but the older I get the more I realize THIS is my real life, here and now...this is it.

Patience has never been one of my strong suits, and that trend is holding true with adoption too. I just wish I could know when it would happen and then maybe waiting would be easier. I'm such a control freak but I can't even help it. My expectation attitude is not where it should be today. Waiting sucks!!!

Expecting or Waiting?

The message on this morning's church bulletin seemed to have been printed just for me:

That is a powerful question, and one I haven't previously given much thought. Consider these two definitions:

ex·pect·ed, ex·pect·ing, ex·pects –verb

1. To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of: expecting a telephone call; expects rain on Sunday.
2. To consider likely or certain: expect to see them soon.

wait·ing –noun

a. A period of waiting; pause, interval, or delay

Clearly, looking back over this journey I can see that I've had "expecting" days and I've had "waiting" days, mingled with days that fall somewhere between the two. Lately, in particular, I've been waiting. Normally I consider myself an optimistic person, but in recent weeks there simply hasn't been much expectation in my heart. I've been struggling with my feelings, and after reading the bulletin blurb this morning, I decided I'm going to try to change that. I'm going to try to stay in a state of expectation, rather than a state of waiting. The differences seem subtle enough when you consider the language alone, but actually they are quite profound.

Interesting food for thought!

A Precious New Family Member

My sister gave birth to her third baby today. I am thrilled to welcome baby Lydia Grace as the newest member of our family!


Sweet Baby Face...will she be a singer??



Big Sister, Ava Marie watches the new baby in wonder.

Four Plus One

Today we have been officially waiting in the pool for four months and one day. Today I also found out the two other birth mothers that were on our radar screen have chosen other people. I'd like to say I'm feeling great and confident that the right one will come along, that I'm not sad at all...but that would be a lie. The truth is that I feel stung. I can't help but question what is wrong with us...why haven't we been chosen yet? Should we rewrite our letter...what did we say or not say that is causing us to be passed over? How come some people get chosen after only weeks in the pool while we must wait? Where is our baby Love??

I know this needs to be put into perspective. I know we have only been shown five times, one of which doesn't even really count because she chose the very first person she was shown. I know four months really isn't very long at all in the grand scheme of things. I know our baby will come when he or she is ready and not before. I know this will all unfold when the time is right. I know, I know, I know...and yet I can't seem to shake the feelings of angst I have with all of this.

I'm not doing any justice to my emotions with this post, I'm not qualifying how I really feel at all because I'm not sure I can. When I read the update email from our CW this afternoon I immediately got a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, the feeling of rejection and loss. Much like the feeling I used to get when I would take a pregnancy test after a missed period and it would be negative. Like that but also very much unlike that at the same time. Does this make any sense?

I think part of the problem is that my state of mind is skewed at the moment. I am exhausted beyond belief. I've been serving on a jury in downtown Detroit for the past two weeks and the trial is nowhere near completion. I'm also in the crunch time of a 16-credit hour semester and I'm missing a lot of classes. I'm behind on all my projects, my house is a mess, my car is a mess, I am a mess. I need a break--some time to recoup, but no break is on the horizon. I am well aware my attitude is rotten, and I'm quite certain I need to be quiet now and go use my time wisely, which is exactly what I'm going to do...starting now.

UAB Award!

Thanks to Eileen for giving me this award! I love reading her blog and feel that we are on the same page regarding our adoption stories more often than not. Like us, she and her hubby have been married a long time and have been through much on their way to parenthood, I hope they are matched soon. Eileen and her husband are in the process of selling their home right now, which is a major transition...hop on over and give her some love!

About this award...
The "uber" (synonym for super) is a blog award given to sites who:
- inspire you
- make you smile and laugh
- or maybe give you amazing information
- a great read
- has an amazing design
- and any other reason you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

The rules for my award recipients...

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.

2) Nominate at least five blogs (can be more) that for you are uber amazing.

3) Let them know that they have received this uber amazing award by commenting on their blog.

4) Share the love by linking to this post and the person you received the award from.

And my Uber Amazing Awards go to...

Jamie - This blog is a fairly recent addition to my reading list, but man am I inspired! Jamie writes beautifully and from the heart, her words have moved me. She writes recently about being on "cloud nine" because they have been recently matched...I am thrilled with this news and I enjoy her blog very much!
Natalie - Again, a new blog for me, but one I am loving reading! Natalie has a great and uplifting quote at the top of her page (that she also left for me in a comment,) and I am inspired by her story.
Malloryn - Malloryn is in the paperwork mountain phase of the adoption process and it's great to follow along as her story unfolds. They are making great progress with their adoption to-do pile and I am enjoying being a fly on this wall...
Vintage Mommy - All I can really say is WOW! This lady has some amazing ideas and is always giving me food for thought about adoption related topics. Her blog is a treasure to be sure!
Bri - I know she already received this but she's one of my constants through this crazy journey. I love to read her blog and always look forward to new posts. Sometimes it seems odd to feel such a strong connection to someone I only know "virtually," but Bri is one of those people for me without a doubt!
Rebekah - Again, I am duplicating this award for Rebekah, but I can't resist. She is a constant inspiration for me. She has an amazing sense of faith and hope through thick and thin. Even when she's down...I find her words and her spirit truly uplifting. Yet again I've come to feel that I really "know" Rebekah through her words and that is a great feeling. Since we are both Michiganders we are hoping to meet IRL sometime soon--I hope that notion becomes reality!
Nancy - Again a blog I've been reading for a long time now. We are close to the same spot in our adoption journeys and I love to read Nancy's posts. She is heartfelt and truthful with her writing and I am often encouraged by what she has to say!

Oh gees I could got on and on. I would just send them to all of you wonderful ladies! I am having a hard time not continuing this list with every blog I read! I am so inspired and encouraged by all of your blogs and your stories and I love this "virtual world" of friendship more than I can really say in words. THANK YOU to everyone for your constant support, encouragement, and inspiration.

Is it Okay?

Last night at our adoption support group meeting, one of the ladies asked whether it's okay to approach a family they see in public with questions regarding whether or not the children were adopted. Clearly this would most likely happen in families who differ in appearance. Most of the responses were positive--along the lines that it is indeed okay to ask and/or bring up the topic. One mother stated she would much rather have people ask directly than to point and stare, as is sometimes the case. I've been thinking about this a lot and I wonder how I will feel when the time comes for us. I imagine I will be fairly open and willing to talk about our child and his or her adoption story, so long as the safety and comfort of our child is protected. For those of you who are parents, what are your feelings/experiences on this topic? Do you get direct questions, stares, etc.? Have your feelings/opinions changed as your child gets older? What do you do about this aspect of raising adopted children, if anything?

The meeting last night was more organized than the casual meet & greet style of the other meetings I've attended. I liked the opportunity to actually talk and listen to questions and answers; however, I'm also glad there was some mingling time afterwords because that's the aspect of the meetings I value most. What about you guys, do you have IRL adoption friends and/or support groups you attend? Would you attend meetings if your agency held them?

I don't miss it

Today during my observations for my elementary education field experience, I had an opportunity to talk with a woman who is currently undergoing treatments for infertility. It never ceases to amaze me how my life twists and turns, and still seems to align perfectly with the lives of others at times. During this happenstance conversation, I had the distinct and certain feeling that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Of course that knowledge is secure for me on an intellectual level, but it's so easy to forget and to wonder why we're still on this side of the parenting fence when we want so badly to cross over. It's easy to feel frustrated about where I am because sometimes I feel like my whole life is taking way too long to get going. Between school, substitute teaching, and where we are in the adoption process...I am constantly in varying stages of transition during this period in my life. Sometimes that gets really old. It's so weird for me to realize...if my life had gone according to my plans, I wouldn't have been where I was today. I wouldn't have made that valuable connection with another person - and who knows, maybe I was able to offer her some small semblance of peace or hope along her path as well.

The other thing that strikes me so profoundly as I reflect upon the conversation we had, is that I can say with 100% honesty that I do not miss infertility treatments one tiny little bit. Listening to her talk was like re-living an uncomfortable nightmare to which I already knew the unhappy ending. My ending, not hers. I don't feel that way about adoption though--even during my lowest times. I don't feel that same sense of despair and emotional exhaustion that was the constant companion of my journey through infertility. I don't miss the prods, pokes, bruises and pain. I don't miss the "days off for personal reasons," the scheduled sex, or trying to rush to the doctor's office before or after school and work...always cutting my time to the bone. I don't miss any of it...and with that realization I am newly reminded that we have something about which to rejoice right now. I have been so bogged down lately with school and work, and in my spare time feeling sorry for myself that I've forgotten to be happy. We ARE going to have a baby...when the time is right, and that is an awesome thought! That makes me want to jump for joy!

We've had two more opportunities to have our profile shown to potential birth mothers during these last few weeks. I haven't blogged about any of this because I didn't want a repeat of that excitement and disappointment cycle I went through the first time we were shown. Needless to say, neither of the subsequent two potential matches panned out for us, because if they had you can be sure I would have been talking. I'm okay with that though, and I honestly feel detachment was a much healthier way for me to handle having our profile shown. The truth is that we may have to go through that process many more times before our birth mother comes along - only time will tell. I am much more comfortable and secure with where we are now though, each time it does get a tiny bit easier...just like some of you said it would. After today I have a renewed sense of faith that our right time will come too...that we are indeed exactly where we should be; doubts, uncertainty and all.

Adoption Language

Lately I've been thinking a lot about adoption language and how language is such a powerful aspect of adoption...indeed a powerful aspect of so much of our lives. During our adoptive parenting classes we learned about PAL, which stands for "Positive Adoption Language." Basically PAL is the art of taking words or sayings that can be hurtful to all members of the adoption community (especially the children, which is the last thing anyone wants) and changing them to express the same concept with more positive wording. Culturally speaking, our society is still fairly ignorant about adoption, which is why many of the negative terms and phrases are still heard frequently today. I thought I'd share two of the most important PAL terms we learned during our classes. These have stuck with me and have even helped me shape the way I think about adoption in general.

• Instead of, "she gave her baby up for adoption" say, "she made an adoption plan for her baby." This is a big one since so many people toss around the "gave up" statement all the time. The terms "gave up," and "placed" imply that there is no decision in the matter, and the fact is that in most adoptions today, birthparents make a painstakingly difficult decision about the care of the child they love very much but cannot parent when they choose adoption.
  
• Instead of, "he is adopted" say, "he was adopted." When you say someone is adopted, that implies that adoption is a condition or ailment for that person rather than the way they joined their family.

I also found this list on the West Virginia social services web site and I thought I'd pass it along.

Say This...	Instead of This...
Birth Parent	Real Parent
Biological Parent	Natural Parent
Birth Child	Own Child
My Child	Adopted Child
Born to Unmarried Parents	Illegitimate
Relinquish Rights	Give Away
Terminate Parental Rights	Take Away
Waiting Child	Available Child
Parent	Adoptive Parent
Child Placed for Adoption	Unwanted Child
Child with Special Health Care Needs	Handicapped Child

It's Going Around

I know this video is going around on the blogosphere, but I love this so much that I simply have to re-post it. Thanks to Debbie for helping to get this wonderful and uplifting message out there!



Also check out this article that I linked to from Rebekah's blog. It sounds like this woman has been through a lot trying to bring her daughter home from Russia. The article gives some good insight into where we PAP people are coming from.

The Truth

The truth is that sometimes the truth hurts. I've been one part extremely busy and one part extremely sad, hence the reason I've been away from the blogosphere for the past week or so. I'm sorry to all of you whose blogs I haven't read recently. I played a little catch up today and am feeling like a better blogging buddy now. :)

As for my sadness, I'm making progress in getting over our last bit of disappointing news from the agency. I don't know what in the world I was thinking, but I was thoroughly convinced that was our baby, even though it was our first time being shown and we only had a one in six chance. My hopes were sky high and I was very worked up. It was hard for me to hear we weren't chosen. Harder than it should have been, I think. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. I've read some stories where people just move on and barely flinch when they aren't chosen--I admire the complete and utter faith some of you have. Sometimes I wish I could say the same for myself. I mean, I do have faith, but sometimes it feels rather fragile and shaky--not at all like the armor I know it is for some people. I guess it's just that I've wanted this - motherhood for so long now that sometimes I honestly feel like I can't wait another day. I know my time will come when the time is right, and I have absolutely NO control over when that will be, but that knowledge doesn't make this part of the process any easier.

Luckily I am busy these days, head-spinningly so. My semester has been a whirlwind lately, and when I'm not at school I'm either getting my feet wet with subbing jobs or doing homework. All this activity is supposed to make waiting easier, right? Right!

Blah...

Rrrrip!

If this doesn't make you smile nothing will...certainly brightened my spirits some. :)



I especially like what this shows about human learning...his anticipatory reaction by the end is great!

Better Luck Next Time...

Human hope is an amazing thing. Sometimes my capacity to have so much hope, even in the face of doubt and uncertainty scares me. That said, I realize hope has been a saving grace at many times in my life too.

The birthmom who was looking at our profile still isn't sure she's going to make an adoption plan, but if she does she has chosen another couple. I am having a hard time right now. I feel mostly sad, but also a little stupid for allowing myself to get so worked up about this. In some ways I wish I wouldn't have known we were being considered - then I wouldn't even know I'm supposed to feel sad right now! I was already imagining so many amazing things relating to THIS baby and THIS birthmom...I had myself completely convinced that this was "the one." Now I just feel like I'm stuck under a huge, gray cloud of sadness and disappointment. WHY did I do this to myself??? Our profile may be shown MANY more times before we are chosen...clearly I can't keep doing this every time a birthmom is considering us, I'll never make it through.

Whatever - I know there is still hope left over in my heart. "This too shall pass," as Ma B (my dad's mom) always used to say. Much like the days of infertility, right after another late period would start...I just have to give myself a little time to process this sadness, then I'll pick up the pieces and get back to the business of hoping for our "right time"--our baby to come soon. What else is there?

******Updated to attempt to answer a couple of questions from the comments:******

I was actually a little surprised when we were asked if we wanted to be shown to this birthmom in the first place. I found myself thinking OF COURSE we want to be shown. If our acceptability checklist matches her wishes ans situation then YES...we want to be shown, wasn't that the whole point to begin with?! I THINK our agency has the basic policy that if they have information to share they share it. I haven't spoken to our CW about any of this in person, only via email so this is all my own speculation. I am torn. I just read on another blog about a mistake that was made by an agency that caused an otherwise acceptable match to fall through. For this reason I think it's nice to be asked in advance if we want to be shown. That way we can be sure the situation is truly one with which we could feel comfortable. At the same time, knowing we were being considered was HARD and I'm not entirely sure I want to go through this up and down cycle every single time until "the one" finally happens. I guess I've always sort of envisioned getting a magical, life-changing call someday and then being lost in the whirlwind of impending motherhood. I never quite expected this much of a roller coaster! I still have a lot of processing to do about all of this. In one respect I can already see that this may have been a touchy situation. The birthmom doesn't sound AT ALL sure she wants to pursue adoption, which means she very well may change her mind when it's all said and done. I'm going to wait a few days and then I may talk to our CW about how all of this happened and whether or not the agency requires us to know about prospective birthmoms, or if there is some kind of choice in the matter for us.