Surreal

"Mom-to-be" technically does describe me, but somehow I can't really feel it yet. I've tried to buy things in stores--nothing major, just small things, and I can't do it yet. I want to feel like a real mom-to-be, but it all seems unreal at this point. Am I destined to be unprepared for new baby days, or will this eventually wear off? Unprepared is a term I use lightly anyway, because the only things I will rally need are a car seat, diapers, and food, but...well you guys know what I mean. Nursery ready and waiting. I thought I had made peace with that, with the idea that we would buy a car seat, register for everything else, and then just wait, but now I'm having second thoughts. There would be something comforting about having a room all set up and ready to go when THE time comes. Yet I'm still a little bothered by the idea of that room sitting there empty for who knows how long.

I guess it comes down to how long we've waited for this phase of our lives. I've already spent so much time dreaming and hoping and planning for our baby in my head and in my heart, that now when I actually do have something to plan for, it seems like I should be waking up to reality at any moment. Why can't I allow myself to believe we're really going to be parents? I guess this is just a defense mechanism...some subconscious attempt of my mind to protect my heart? I really don't get it. I expected to be (and was at first) on top of the world where all this is concerned, but now I'm just doing nothing in regards to our "paper pregnancy," which is unnerving. Literally I am W.A.I.T.I.N.G. and it's already getting pretty old. I want to do and dream and create.

I can't help but feel that if I were really pregnant I wouldn't be feeling this way. There, I said it. That's what's REALLY bugging me. Even though I have long since given up the idea--or even the desire of--a physical pregnancy, I guess I have this notion that if my body was changing I would be more able to believe in the reality of impending motherhood.

I am a planner, I like to have all my ducks in a row. Where school is concerned, for example, I can't stand unknowns and not having everything neat and organized. Just this week I had to find a teacher to observe for this coming semester, and until I got that taken care of I literally felt a queezy feeling in the pit of my stomach. The irony of having to wait and basically having to be unprepared--entirely at the mercy of decisions made by other people--when it comes to the most important job I will ever do (motherhood) is not lost on me. Clearly there is some lesson...some discipline for me in this, but what? How am I supposed to react or behave? I have no clue, but one thing I do know is that my own indifferent reaction to all this really and truly is driving me crazy!

They All Look Like Me

I've recently started attending services at a small church near my house. This is about the 5th week I've been there. People are starting to remember me, and I'm really beginning to like the place. That said though, I am conflicted. There are a myriad of reasons for my feelings, and if you're interested you can read the post from my other blog about this topic.

Still, I am willing to at least try. My pull towards church has been strong for a while, but until recently I haven't acted upon it. I can't say exactly why now is the time for me, I guess there are lots of reasons. Maybe I'm looking towards church as a possible answer to some of my sadness as of late, or maybe as a means toward establishing a church connection now for the sake of our future children?

Today it occurred to me as I was sitting amongst the congregation that everyone there looked exactly like me. Not exactly, of course, but what I mean is that they were all the same color. Ten years ago I wouldn't have given this a single thought...in fact I probably would have been comforted by the sameness. But having lived in a diverse area and become much more educated on the topic of diversity, I now find the sameness unsettling. This is to say absolutely nothing of the fact that we may very well adopt a baby who does not look exactly like us. Questions abound.

Is this a big deal if I don't make it one? Is it not common, even necessary, for churches to be somewhat polarized in the types of people they attract? Will our future baby, regardless of the color of his or her skin be completely accepted and welcomed at this church? Will he/she feel safe and at peace there as I hope? Will we be accepted as a less traditional family? Or will it be awkward and weird for everyone, most importantly our future child...which of course is the very last thing I want? Without anyone else to ask or even observe, how will I know the answers to these questions before it's too late? I feel strongly about attending a smaller, local church for lots of reasons. I've tried the huge, modern church thing and it simply isn't for me. But I wonder, is that type of church the only place I have hope of finding the diversity I now long for? I even think these issues are/would be different for someone who is already established at a church, versus someone like me who is starting from scratch.

I'm trying not to over-think this, but after I had that thought this morning, I can't seem to stop it rolling around in my head. I don't even know what's going to happen for us in terms of the child we adopt, but that begs another question. Would I desire and seek out diversity at a church on behalf of our baby even if he/she does look like us? That's one I'll have to ponder for a while, but regardless of the answer, more questions inevitably spring forth. If not, why not, and if so...still the question of what (if anything) to do about all this?

Definitely some serious food for thought!

Was that a Stork?

My sister spent the night at our house last night, and this morning she and I were on our way to church when none other than a stork flew up from the rushes on the side of the road and went straight in the direction of our house. We looked at each other and I said, "was that a stork?" We both decided it definitely was a stork, and that it definitely was on a flight path that would take it directly over our house. :) Clearly it would be in my best interest (and I'm trying) to not read too much into this, but that said, the occurrence did make me feel happy. As we continued on down the road, I had to slow the car down to avoid three crows that were lined up in a row. Here is what I read on Yahoo! answers about the significance of seeing three crows:

Crows are associated with the Celtic Goddess Morrigan. She is a Goddess of war, chaos, death and rebirth. She is also a triple Goddess (maiden, mother and crone). The 3 crows would signify that you are coming into a time of major change, whether you are prepared for it or not. There may be some major disruptions involved, but it will all be for the best, you will have a 'rebirth' and new paths on your journey will be opened to you. Go with the flow and all will be well.

Obviously I could get all dramatic about this and read WAY too much into these two events in such close succession, which I have no intention of doing. Still it did make me wonder...is change underfoot? It's no big secret that I've been feeling pretty sad since my close friend Molly and her family moved out of the state a little over a week ago. I have to say, my spirits were brightened at these two portents, even though time will tell what, if anything, they meant. Speaking of Molly, I just spoke to her on the phone for a while, and I talked to her daughters for a couple of minutes too. The youngest, two-year-old Becca, who was and is very dear to me got on the phone. She said hi in her sweet little baby voice, then she giggled and said, "yove you" just as Molly took the phone back. It was absolutely precious and really warmed my heart.

Today...

...I photographed the wedding of my husband's boss. It was a good day, but I am tired to the bone right now. Today is also my 33rd birthday, so it was an eventful day all around. At one of the tables I took a picture of, there was a couple with twin babies. They ware SO adorable, and watching them made me realize I would really love it if we were blessed with twins. I know a lot of people would think this is a crackpot idea, but I actually and honestly would love to have two at once. Of course I will be more than thrilled with the one we are likely to have, and that will be just fine...but there's something about the idea of twins that lights a spark inside me. :) I stopped and talked to the babies, and it made me feel all gooey. I just love babies so much, and I figure since it's my birthday I can wish for whatever I want!!

I have a good feeling about this year ahead. Something about two 3's nestled together seems...charming. At first I wasn't so sure about getting yet another year older while still waiting for so many of my dreams to come true, but then I realized just how many of those dreams have already come true and it dawned on me: I should rejoice about what I DO have instead of wasting my time feeling pensive about the blessings that are yet to come.

So...here's hoping for brighter days and much happiness ahead!