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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

All Those Kids

I subbed in a 4th grade classroom today and we went down to the auditorium for a choir concert this afternoon. Watching those kids singing up on stage, it occurred to me that at least timing-wise, one of them could have been ours. We officially started seeking support for infertility when I was 25, but we had several years of doing nothing to prevent pregnancy prior to that. I'm 33 now so technically we could have a child as old as 10. Heck, if things had worked out according to my plans I'd have had a whole house full of the little buggers by now!

I guess melancholy would be the right word for how this made me feel. Not quite sad, but definitely pensive. I can't really imagine having a nine or ten year old right now, and yet that's what I had in mind back at the beginning of what has become a very long journey to parenthood. I know it will happen when the time is right, but I just wish that time could be now. I don't want to be any older than I am now to get started. Not that there's anything wrong with being an older parent...I know lots of people who are waiting longer and longer to start families these days. I just never thought that would be us and I'm ready to get the show on the road.

I don't really know how to explain this, but sometimes I still feel like a kid in a grown up body. Like sometimes when I'm leading a group of 30+ kids down the hallway, I wonder why the adults I pass don't question the fact that I'm in charge of so many kids. Then I remember that I'm the responsible adult in the vicinity and the realization that this is my real life hits me. I always used to feel like my life would start when ________ (fill in the blank) but the older I get the more I realize THIS is my real life, here and now...this is it.

Patience has never been one of my strong suits, and that trend is holding true with adoption too. I just wish I could know when it would happen and then maybe waiting would be easier. I'm such a control freak but I can't even help it. My expectation attitude is not where it should be today. Waiting sucks!!!

14 comments:

Bri said...

I could have written this post. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling quite grown-up. I think for me it has a lot to do with the way I perceived adults as a kid. It always seemed like they (literally all of them) had it all together. There was nothing they didn't know or couldn't do and nothing they were insecure about. That certainly doesn't describe me. Obviously now I know that isn't the case, but I think I can't shake the idea that having it all together is what makes you an adult.

And a big Amen to waiting sucks!

Rebekah said...

I wish that time could be now, too...waiting is no fun...

Jamie said...

Geeze Melba ~ can you read my mind?? :) I have felt this way sooo many times. We started ttc when I was 26 ~ I'm now 34 and we're just starting our family. I look at kids who are that old and think....wow ~ THAT would be weird!! :) Your second paragraph hits home really well also.....it's so nice to know we're not alone in all these thoughts isn't it! Thanks for putting my thoughts into words that fit so nicely together. :)

natalie said...

I too can relate to your post. Waiting....SUCKS! I ask God every day how long will I have to do this? It's frustrating. Many times during the day I too wonder if I'm still too young at heart to be a mom....turn 31 tomorrow...but feel 25 still. sometimes i like that feeling...but not always. Just wish I had some idea of what will happen....it would make this waiting so much easier!

Tracey said...

I didn't start feeling like an adult until I was in my 30's. Ugghh...I totally understand....I teach 5th grade and so many of my students are taller then I am. Sometimes people walk in and I am sitting on the floor and they don't even know I am there. Being a mom has certainly made me feel different though. God Bless.

melissa said...

I am so with you. Sometimes I look at people my age that have kids and think they seem so much older than me, but there not, and it is weird to look at kids and think about, I could have had a kid that age right now.

I also hate waiting, I think we all do.

Terry said...

How about 38 and 51? That's how young we were when we adopted our daughter.

Your thoughts bring back so many of the feelings of our journey. Rest assured, the moment you hold your child, what felt like going the wrong-way on an 8-lane highway instantly becomes a country road, with all of you going in the right direction and all the noise just dust on the side of the road.

God bless.

hope548 said...

Oh sister, how I can relate. I am also 33 and often have to remind myself I'm not a kid anymore, though I often still feel like one. I actually rather enjoy that!

On the waiting front, I can relate to that too. We started trying a little later than you (I was 27), and there was a whole lot of waiting right up to finally getting our baby. It was hard for me because I am a control freak as well. I can't tell you how to make the wait any easier, but I can tell you it is 100% worth the wait. I sincerely hope your wait will be over soon!

Take care and happy holidays!

Nancy said...

I know. Waiting really does suck. I do the same thing as you when I see kids -- especially when it's cute kid moments, like a school performance, or like for me yesterday, sledding down a snowy hill in the park. I get a little pang in my stomach and I think about how that could have been me. But I also have a different one now -- that someday it will be me. I hope for both of us, that someday comes soon. :-)

alicia said...

waiting sucks sooo much! I wish it you didn't have to wait anymore either. sorry about the hard reminder in the class the other day, thinking of you sweetie!

Becky said...

Melba,
I always like reading how you express your thoughts and feelings!
I can so relate to this as well.
I still do that......I think, "if we'd had kids when we started trying, we wouldn't be 'older' parents of 40 with a 9 and 4 yr. old! Our first would be around 15...geez!! That seems so weird! And, I too think, we'd have at least 3 by now!"
We can't look at it all that way because there is nothing we can do to change it. Just wait...as patiently as we can for God to fulfill His plan for us!
I'll never forget how hard all the waiting years were so you are always close in my thoughts!
I'm out of bloggy land until after the holidays however, know that I will be thinking of you! Hang in there!! No matter your age, or how young you feel at heart.....it will be just the right time when your baby gets to you!!!

Debbie B said...

I didn't realize your journey began then. I'm so sorry the wait is taking so long.
You know the whole not knowing when it would happen was one of the things I really liked about international adoption. You were just in a line waiting your turn. Domestic is so much different. Hard to wait not knowing anything. But you will make it to the end goal. You will hold your child in your arms. And God willing you will have that household sooner then you think.

Jill said...

Hey girl!
Did you forget you have a blog? You are one of my favorite posters!!
Hope Christmas treated you both well, and I have a feeling 2009 will be YOUR YEAR!!
Hugs, Jill

Kathleen*Bass said...

Melba, I am just getting the chance to rad this now, and once again you have summed up how my day looks most of the time. i question why people would allow ME to be "in charge" of anything, let alone their precious babies!! I am so glad to hear that I am not alone :) I look at my body and see that I most def NOT a teen or middle schooler anymore...but in my head, I am thinking "do i have time to go to my locker before Science class?" and "what is my bus number again?"
HUGS! Our turn will come!