Lull

There seems to be a quietness--a lull in our adoption process that is a little unsettling for me. Most of it has to do with money since our biggest objective right now is to save enough money to proceed with the next set of services we need. But there is also the paperwork we're working on. Even though adoption is one of our highest priorities we are both finding it difficult to complete the required paperwork without feeling overwhelmed. My strategy is to plug away at it one tiny piece at a time until I get it done but Michael's seems to be to procrastinate all together. I guess one thing we really need (who doesn't, right?) is more time. In particular more time together. Maybe we'll have to schedule a day off together so we can work on this stuff, who knows? I guess I'm just struggling with the balance of it all. Life is busy and crazy even when there aren't big things like this in the works.

Right at the moment I feel as though I'm standing at the base of a large mountain with no sure idea of when or how I'm going to make it to the top. I guess all of these feelings are normal with such big life changes...?

To top it off I drank WAY too much coffee WAY too late last night and I cannot sleep for the life of me! Even though I know the rest of today is going to be exhausting and at some point in the next 24 hours I'm simply going to crash I cannot get myself to stop processing. Irritating!

Melba

Physicals

So we had our adoption physicals yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I was fearing it might be but still a little uncomfortable to dredge up all the known issues we have and basically put them down on paper. I left feeling a little (maybe even a lot) depressed but on the drive back to Ypsi from Dexter Michael was able to cheer me up.

I guess what upset me so much is the intensity of it all. We got to that doctors office at 3:30 and didn't leave until 6:15. I guess it's normal as a prospective adoptive parent to feel a huge sense of unfairness. We have to go through so much to start our family while other people (many of whom shouldn't) are reproducing like nobody's business. It seems like such a typical thing to say...and we all know life isn't always fair. I guess I almost feel a lack of entitlement to my own feelings and that makes all of this that much more complicated.

The things is--NO ONE is perfect. Every parent has some flaws and some bad behaviors they will inevitably pass on to their kids. One of our biggest flaws (or life challenges if you will) is our weight, which is right there on the surface for everyone to see. Alcoholics can hide their behaviors; even mentally unstable people can seem stable enough on the surface. When you're overweight and struggling with food on a daily basis there is no hiding that. Of course I already know it's an issue I face and I know I need to work on it so having it thrown in my face made me feel bad.

A large part of the adoption process is looking on the inside and seriously evaluating the kind of person you are, both physically and emotionally. That's hard. On the flip side, I do have to remind myself that we will be better parents in the long run because of all the questioning and paperwork we must go through to get there--there is some comfort in that for me. I guess there's nothing for it but to keep on keeping on, breaking all our tasks into more manageable chunks and getting them done, one by one.

Melba