Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Will it ever be?

You know...I try to maintain a positive outlook with this whole adoption journey we're going through...especially here on my blog, but today I'm just not feeling it. There's a saying for bridesmaids who feel like they'll never get married: "always the bridesmaid, never the bride," but there isn't really a saying for the woman who wants to be a mom but feels like she may never experience that joy. Always the nanny, never the mom...always an aunt, never a mom. Those could both describe me. And it's not that I'm unhappy with those aspects of my life. I love all the children I know very much but I'm so ready for more...for family and bath time and bed time and children that don't go home at night and don't call me Melba. I think I'm just tired. It's finals time at school and with five professors expecting stellar final projects and high ending exam grades from me (and me expecting that from myself) I'm finding these days exhausting.

Then there's all the pregnancy showing its lovely face. I have one friend who is pregnant with twins, another who wants to get pregnant soon and I also just found out my sister is expecting again. While I am thrilled for each of these families, and I would never want to subtract from their's still hard to realize our baby may still be years away. In a weird way I'm "expecting" too, but there's no guarantee for me like there is for them. There's also no sense of timing and that's hard. This could all happen in the next year or so and it could also take three more years. Or my greatest fear of all...what if it never happens?

I knew when we started all this that it would be hard--as if all the preceding years of infertility and disappointment weren't--but I guess I'm feeling generally overwhelmed right now.

As my dad's mom, Ma B always used to say...this too shall pass. Hopefully I'll feel better soon.

1 comment:

TRACEY said...

A woman after my own heart! I am 40 and have never been able to conceive, although the doctors can give me no reason why. I know how you feel!! My husband is a saint for dealing with my emotinal ups and downs.

My husband and I are now adopting from a local adoption agency and we are in the middle of filling out mounds of paper work. We chose to do a domestic adoption because the internationa ones take a lot longer and are more expensive. Would love to chat with you more if your interested or just check out my blog. Best Wishes and God Bless!