Four Plus One

Today we have been officially waiting in the pool for four months and one day. Today I also found out the two other birth mothers that were on our radar screen have chosen other people. I'd like to say I'm feeling great and confident that the right one will come along, that I'm not sad at all...but that would be a lie. The truth is that I feel stung. I can't help but question what is wrong with us...why haven't we been chosen yet? Should we rewrite our letter...what did we say or not say that is causing us to be passed over? How come some people get chosen after only weeks in the pool while we must wait? Where is our baby Love??

I know this needs to be put into perspective. I know we have only been shown five times, one of which doesn't even really count because she chose the very first person she was shown. I know four months really isn't very long at all in the grand scheme of things. I know our baby will come when he or she is ready and not before. I know this will all unfold when the time is right. I know, I know, I know...and yet I can't seem to shake the feelings of angst I have with all of this.

I'm not doing any justice to my emotions with this post, I'm not qualifying how I really feel at all because I'm not sure I can. When I read the update email from our CW this afternoon I immediately got a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, the feeling of rejection and loss. Much like the feeling I used to get when I would take a pregnancy test after a missed period and it would be negative. Like that but also very much unlike that at the same time. Does this make any sense?

I think part of the problem is that my state of mind is skewed at the moment. I am exhausted beyond belief. I've been serving on a jury in downtown Detroit for the past two weeks and the trial is nowhere near completion. I'm also in the crunch time of a 16-credit hour semester and I'm missing a lot of classes. I'm behind on all my projects, my house is a mess, my car is a mess, I am a mess. I need a break--some time to recoup, but no break is on the horizon. I am well aware my attitude is rotten, and I'm quite certain I need to be quiet now and go use my time wisely, which is exactly what I'm going to do...starting now.

UAB Award!

Thanks to Eileen for giving me this award! I love reading her blog and feel that we are on the same page regarding our adoption stories more often than not. Like us, she and her hubby have been married a long time and have been through much on their way to parenthood, I hope they are matched soon. Eileen and her husband are in the process of selling their home right now, which is a major transition...hop on over and give her some love!

About this award...
The "uber" (synonym for super) is a blog award given to sites who:
- inspire you
- make you smile and laugh
- or maybe give you amazing information
- a great read
- has an amazing design
- and any other reason you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

The rules for my award recipients...

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.

2) Nominate at least five blogs (can be more) that for you are uber amazing.

3) Let them know that they have received this uber amazing award by commenting on their blog.

4) Share the love by linking to this post and the person you received the award from.

And my Uber Amazing Awards go to...

Jamie - This blog is a fairly recent addition to my reading list, but man am I inspired! Jamie writes beautifully and from the heart, her words have moved me. She writes recently about being on "cloud nine" because they have been recently matched...I am thrilled with this news and I enjoy her blog very much!
Natalie - Again, a new blog for me, but one I am loving reading! Natalie has a great and uplifting quote at the top of her page (that she also left for me in a comment,) and I am inspired by her story.
Malloryn - Malloryn is in the paperwork mountain phase of the adoption process and it's great to follow along as her story unfolds. They are making great progress with their adoption to-do pile and I am enjoying being a fly on this wall...
Vintage Mommy - All I can really say is WOW! This lady has some amazing ideas and is always giving me food for thought about adoption related topics. Her blog is a treasure to be sure!
Bri - I know she already received this but she's one of my constants through this crazy journey. I love to read her blog and always look forward to new posts. Sometimes it seems odd to feel such a strong connection to someone I only know "virtually," but Bri is one of those people for me without a doubt!
Rebekah - Again, I am duplicating this award for Rebekah, but I can't resist. She is a constant inspiration for me. She has an amazing sense of faith and hope through thick and thin. Even when she's down...I find her words and her spirit truly uplifting. Yet again I've come to feel that I really "know" Rebekah through her words and that is a great feeling. Since we are both Michiganders we are hoping to meet IRL sometime soon--I hope that notion becomes reality!
Nancy - Again a blog I've been reading for a long time now. We are close to the same spot in our adoption journeys and I love to read Nancy's posts. She is heartfelt and truthful with her writing and I am often encouraged by what she has to say!

Oh gees I could got on and on. I would just send them to all of you wonderful ladies! I am having a hard time not continuing this list with every blog I read! I am so inspired and encouraged by all of your blogs and your stories and I love this "virtual world" of friendship more than I can really say in words. THANK YOU to everyone for your constant support, encouragement, and inspiration.

Is it Okay?

Last night at our adoption support group meeting, one of the ladies asked whether it's okay to approach a family they see in public with questions regarding whether or not the children were adopted. Clearly this would most likely happen in families who differ in appearance. Most of the responses were positive--along the lines that it is indeed okay to ask and/or bring up the topic. One mother stated she would much rather have people ask directly than to point and stare, as is sometimes the case. I've been thinking about this a lot and I wonder how I will feel when the time comes for us. I imagine I will be fairly open and willing to talk about our child and his or her adoption story, so long as the safety and comfort of our child is protected. For those of you who are parents, what are your feelings/experiences on this topic? Do you get direct questions, stares, etc.? Have your feelings/opinions changed as your child gets older? What do you do about this aspect of raising adopted children, if anything?

The meeting last night was more organized than the casual meet & greet style of the other meetings I've attended. I liked the opportunity to actually talk and listen to questions and answers; however, I'm also glad there was some mingling time afterwords because that's the aspect of the meetings I value most. What about you guys, do you have IRL adoption friends and/or support groups you attend? Would you attend meetings if your agency held them?

I don't miss it

Today during my observations for my elementary education field experience, I had an opportunity to talk with a woman who is currently undergoing treatments for infertility. It never ceases to amaze me how my life twists and turns, and still seems to align perfectly with the lives of others at times. During this happenstance conversation, I had the distinct and certain feeling that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Of course that knowledge is secure for me on an intellectual level, but it's so easy to forget and to wonder why we're still on this side of the parenting fence when we want so badly to cross over. It's easy to feel frustrated about where I am because sometimes I feel like my whole life is taking way too long to get going. Between school, substitute teaching, and where we are in the adoption process...I am constantly in varying stages of transition during this period in my life. Sometimes that gets really old. It's so weird for me to realize...if my life had gone according to my plans, I wouldn't have been where I was today. I wouldn't have made that valuable connection with another person - and who knows, maybe I was able to offer her some small semblance of peace or hope along her path as well.

The other thing that strikes me so profoundly as I reflect upon the conversation we had, is that I can say with 100% honesty that I do not miss infertility treatments one tiny little bit. Listening to her talk was like re-living an uncomfortable nightmare to which I already knew the unhappy ending. My ending, not hers. I don't feel that way about adoption though--even during my lowest times. I don't feel that same sense of despair and emotional exhaustion that was the constant companion of my journey through infertility. I don't miss the prods, pokes, bruises and pain. I don't miss the "days off for personal reasons," the scheduled sex, or trying to rush to the doctor's office before or after school and work...always cutting my time to the bone. I don't miss any of it...and with that realization I am newly reminded that we have something about which to rejoice right now. I have been so bogged down lately with school and work, and in my spare time feeling sorry for myself that I've forgotten to be happy. We ARE going to have a baby...when the time is right, and that is an awesome thought! That makes me want to jump for joy!

We've had two more opportunities to have our profile shown to potential birth mothers during these last few weeks. I haven't blogged about any of this because I didn't want a repeat of that excitement and disappointment cycle I went through the first time we were shown. Needless to say, neither of the subsequent two potential matches panned out for us, because if they had you can be sure I would have been talking. I'm okay with that though, and I honestly feel detachment was a much healthier way for me to handle having our profile shown. The truth is that we may have to go through that process many more times before our birth mother comes along - only time will tell. I am much more comfortable and secure with where we are now though, each time it does get a tiny bit easier...just like some of you said it would. After today I have a renewed sense of faith that our right time will come too...that we are indeed exactly where we should be; doubts, uncertainty and all.