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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Name of My Game

OK, Friends...obviously I've been biting my blogging tongue lately since my last post was over two weeks ago. I know some of you have been wondering where I've been and I have to tell you, I've been trying to think about things other than adoption. I thought maybe even a break from blogging would help in that endeavor, but it hasn't. No matter what I do, or how much I tempt the fates by making myself insanely busy...adoption is still there in the recesses of my mind. Even when I ignore it, waiting is still the name of my game. I have been overwhelmingly busy, and that's 3/4 of the reason I've been absent from blogging lately, but I've also been testing my emotions during this time to see if a break made me feel any better. I probably don't have to tell you that it didn't...we all know how therapeutic blogging can be.

Before I continue, I'm giving you a wet blanket alert. You should know that if you read further, it's probably going to be depressing. Believe me, I've tried thinking about only those things for which I am thankful (there are many,) I've tried biding my time by preoccupying myself with other activities, and I've tried thinking positively. Purposeful though those things are, they are simply not enough to soothe my soul. My heart--and consequently my mind, always comes back to the unmistakable sense of longing I feel. I thought about sugar-coating this post, in an attempt to avoid being an emotional drain to my readers, but then I thought better of that idea. My #1 goal with this blog has always been to tell our adoption story (from my perspective) as it unfolds.

As it happens, this part of our process is not filled with warm fuzzy thoughts and uplifting news. We are where we are and that's just that. I talked to our social worker recently and there is still no news about any potential birth families. I feel discouraged by this. I've read several other posts, etc. lately that have indicated this is a very busy time for other agencies, so I'm wondering what's going on with ours? November and December were packed and now there's just nothing? I'm also worried because our home study was in late April last year and I have a feeling we're going to have to get that updated. I don't think it's a big ordeal, but it does mean more money and more paperwork, which, quite frankly, makes me feel exhausted. I just wonder when our time is going to come.

How much longer must wait and how much more must we endure? All we want is a family, why does it seem that's too much to ask? I want to be a mom...I need to be a mom, to raise a family with the man I love. Why does that heartfelt desire have to be so unendingly difficult? There are so very many questions in my mind and in my heart, I'm ready for some answers. I feel angry, disappointed, sad...so very sad. I HATE feeling this way. Negativity goes against my grain. I am a very laid back person, and there was a time in my life when I would have described myself as optimistic. The years of pain associated with infertility, and to a lesser extent, adoption have altered that aspect of my personality somewhat. I hate the notion that I may be a drag to the people who are trying to support me, but having said that, I can't change how I feel and I don't want to pretend to be someone or something I'm not.

In a big way, I feel so completely exhausted, and more than situationally exhausted, if that makes any sense. I'm tired of always being on the sidelines of motherhood...on the outside looking in. I'm tired of being the support person and the one who fills in the gaps for the real mothers. I want a leading role and I feel like I'm ready for such a role. HOW MUCH LONGER DO WE HAVE TO WAIT?

Whatever...there is really nothing more I can say tonight. I know that there is no way to succinctly explain everything that's on my mind. Anyone who could read minds would run screaming if they took a look at mine right now. I am spent.


17 comments:

Bri said...

Melba, my friend, it will come. I know you know that and I feel like I have run out of advice and words of inspirations (for myself included). There was a time when "it will all be worth it in the end," and "God has a plan for you," gave me comfort. Now they are just words. I KNOW those things, but it doesn't help me NOW!

I thought this adoption journey would be so much more peaceful than treatments. In some ways it isn, but in so many others it is so much more difficult becuase I can't do anything to help it along. We just have to sit and wait with our hands folded in our laps.

I totally relate to this not being you. It makes me sad that part of who we are get a little lost in this process. I think we will find it again soon!

I'm there with you, though. I totally get how you are feeling and it sucks for me too!!

Soon soon soon. Can you hear us, God. Soon, please!

Tracey said...

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND! BE MAD! BE JEALOUS! IT'S OK! IT WILL HAPPEN AND I KNOW IT IS SO HARD! THE HARDEST PART IS WAITING....WAITING...WAITING....LOTS OF PRAYERS AND HUGS! TELL US EVERYTHING THAT IS IN YOUR BRAIN...GOOD OR BAD...WE ARE THERE FOR YOU!

Ashley said...

Melba, I wish I could hug you and tell you it's all going to be ok. It WILL. You're baby will come and the hard stuff will fade in memory. I'm praying for a match to come SOON to you!! Hang in there!!

Rebekah said...

Oh, my sweet, sweet friend. I HAVE MISSED YOU. Your words could be ripped from my journals. I tried all the same tactics to master this wild beast and the fact is...NOTHING makes this journey easier. You are beautiful and incredible and strong. When people tell me I'm strong I laugh out loud, because I feel SO far from it...but when I read your words I SEE an inner strength in you.

If it makes you feel better everything at our agency is slow too...In 5 months we had one person look at our profile...and they chose someone else. I even called Bethany to see if it was worth making the switch....and they aren't even adding people to the waiting families list right now (it was going to be 6-12 months to even get on the list to wait!

Never never never give up (Winston Churchill). It only takes one mom; one call; one baby to change your life.

I'm cheering you on.

Reggie Boppy said...

Melba,
I've been having the same feelings as you lately. Why does this have to be so hard and why are we the unlucky ones? My heart goes out to you. Just know that you aren't alone. Many hugs and prayers coming your way.

Yoka said...

Melba, I hear you. The waiting is just so hard. I am praying that your little one is coming before April...

M/J Granata said...

Melba... I am praying for you! Julie G

Jessica said...

Not much I can say to make you feel better. Just know that I am thinking of you often. Like Rebekah, I've missed your updates!

The call is coming. Your baby is coming. I pray it's sooner rather than later!

Hugs!

alicia said...

Melba, hun, you have every right to feel disappointed and angry and whatever! You don't need to apologize or justify the fact that you are sad and spent. Who wouldn't be? It breaks my heart to read this, cause you can see the desire and passion you have to be a mom, and I hate that you have to go through all of this to get there. I am praying with all my strength that you that wonderful phone call soon! hugs

hope548 said...

I have been through all of those feelings too. Sometimes it just becomes too much and it all weighs down on you. It's absurd that someone who wants so badly to be a parent (and would be such a good one) has to go through so much and wait for so long once she sets her mind to become one. Quite frankly it sucks, but such is our path.

I remember the first time I talked to the leader of the infertility support group I joined and she said "it's just the hand you were dealt." Somehow that gave me a little comfort, just to sit back and realize I didn't need to rage against it, there was nothing I could do. Of course, it was only temporarily comforting and I soon began to fight against it again.

There's not much advice or comfort other than I know how you feel because I've been there. I truly hope your wait won't be much longer and that you and your husband become parents very soon!!

Becky said...

:o( So sorry Melba, I remember so well!
Hang in there!

Eileen said...

Melba, I missed you and I'm glad you're back...however, I'm sorry you're feeling down. You just about summed up all of my feelings about it. We are in the process of updating our homestudy now. It will be a year for us in March. Weirdly though, the longer we wait the more I'm thinking that it HAS to happen soon for us. Dangerous thinking, but sometimes that's what keeps me going, or at least upright. Hang in there. ((HUGS))

Jamie said...

Melba ~ I'm so sorry....I truly know this place that you are in right now and it feels horrible. I wish I could reach through and give you a huge hug and tell you that it's all going to be okay. You are juggling SO much right now and I hope you and your hubby get a chance soon to re-connect and spend some time doing something you both enjoy. You need it and you deserve it! Hang in there sister ~ you are not alone and we are always here for you.
Jme

Eileen said...

M, I tagged you on my blog...check it out whenever you get a chance:)

Debbie B said...

I may not be able to read your mind but I could have written this post during our wait so we all know what you mean and know what you are going through. Praying for you to hold on to your dream just a little longer. Praying for your wait to be short.

I've never understood how an agency can say they have busy seasons. They can't predict pregnancies. I am sorry for your wait. {{{HUGS}}}

alicia said...

I am planning on reading this whole post, I just haven't gotten time too, but I will! But I wanted to let you know I have given you an award! Go check my blog for details.

Kel said...

So, this exaustion I'm feeling isn't just me? Wow, what a comfort! Thank you so much for writing this post. I have been so tired lately and all I could think is that depression must be on my doorstep!

I will keep you in my prayers, may we both be injected with some peace and serenity!
Kelley