Charlie's Childhood

This post has been one that's been churning in the back of my mind for a while now. Ever since I became a mom...which is to say, ever since I fulfilled one of my life's greatest dreams, I've been thinking a lot about the pressure I think most mothers feel regarding their children. I don't know if I can give words to my thoughts, but I'm going to try:

Now that we have Charlie, there's this thing...this magical "other" that is much bigger than me, and that is happening almost of it's own accord. This thing, this almost tangible entity that is being created as the days slip into months, which blend into years is Charlie's childhood.

When I look at our little boy, I am amazed and humbled by the essence of his life. This other human being has now been placed in my care, for better or worse. By and large, the quality of his life is now dependent upon me. Everything I do, every decision I make, whether small or large, now impacts another human being. There is no way to not feel a little overwhelmed by that. But I mostly feel overwhelmed in a good sense if that's possible. Maybe "overwhelmed" is the wrong word anyway. Maybe it would be more appropriate to say I feel awed by the sheer responsibility, and ultimately, the joy of it all.

And that's not to say that all aspects of being a mother are joyful. There are a lot of mundane, and even gross aspects of the job too. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it also shines through me, and puts an extra spring in my step. I guess what it boils down to is that I don't really think I can articulate what goes through my mind when I look at Charlie's face. To say that I love him is an understatement of epic proportions. Even something as big as love doesn't quite cover "mother."

I think most mothers probably feel that same sense on some level, even if they don't actively think about it. But "mother" means many different things to many different people, as does "childhood."

To me, childhood is a precious time, and something that people carry with them throughout life. When someone has a traumatic or difficult childhood, you can bet there will be lifelong repercussions. Likewise, those of us who are lucky enough to have had a good childhood treasure that as one of our greatest lifetime gifts. My husband and I were both lucky in that regard, and we want nothing more than to be able to give our son the gift of a happy and carefree childhood as well.

But the thing is, he's only one baby...one boy. Sometimes when I think about all the hurt and abuse out there, I can actually feel a physical pain. Every baby deserves to be loved as much as Charlie is loved, and it's sometimes too much for me when I think about those who are not. Today at the store I actually saw a grown woman telling her crying toddler to shut up. When he then ran away from her down the isle, she told the other adult she was with to, "Just run over him with the cart, maybe then he'll get out of the way." Yeah, this actually happened...and it made me so angry.

Sometimes I can be guilty of thinking too much, or of being too emotional and too sappy, but I don't understand how some people honestly don' t think (or worse yet don't care) about the impact they have on their children. Parenthood is a precious gift, and I wish more people could think of it as such. What would the world be like if every baby were loved?

I would never wish the pain and heartache of infertility on anyone, ever. But I sometimes do wish people would realize...stop and think about what they have when they look at their children. We waited so long to become parents, and I'm endlessly glad that period of our lives has come to an end. I love that we are now moving forward again, and that we get to relive so much of the joy of life through our son.

Still, I can honestly say that I'm now thankful for those waiting years. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that those years made me the mother I am. It is that very same heartache, that very same waiting that keeps me constantly in check about the impact I have on my son, about the kind of mother I want to be, and about the kind of childhood I want Charlie to have.