Pages

Monday, August 16, 2010

Beating a Dead Horse

I talked recently in this post about how I'm struggling with the fact that I'm about to be a full-time (unpaid) working mama here in a few weeks.  Well the dread continues.  It's so strange because I feel so split in two different directions.  One part of me wants to run (not walk) toward the opportunities that await me and the other part wants to drag my heels hard so I can hold onto now a little bit longer. 

I know I'm beating a dead horse by constantly lamenting about the impending changes in our lives.  I know the only way for me to make peace with all this is for it to happen and for everything to be fine.  I know I just have to suck it up and get over the fact that someone else is going to have almost as much time with my son every week as I have with him.  That is much easier said than done though.  Even knowing I really like the woman who will be caring for him, it's so difficult for me to let go and trust the fact that he will be fine and he will adjust to our new circumstances.  I'm even dreaming about all this repeatedly, which is a sure sign of how much it's bothering me.   

To be honest, I don't even know why I'm writing this post.  I don't expect any comments because I know they won't really help anyway.  You guys have already said all there is to say--the only things that can be said.  I'm not going to feel better about this until after about a week of living through it.  Even then it will still be hard but it won't feel quite so all-encompassing.  *sigh*


8 comments:

Debbie B said...

{{HUGS}}

miraculouslymyownaz said...

I get this. I still struggle with it and it has been this way for a year!

Stupid things irritate me. When R is petting the dog, we tell her to be "gentle." The sitter tells her to be "easy." It drives me crazy! I know it's stupid, but I don't want my daughter to be "easy" in any way shape or form.

I have some issues with control and I hate giving that up (esp about something SO important) to someone else.

It is good for her, though. She is so social and loves to be around other kids! There will be ups and downs. If I win the lottery... oh wait, I don't even play! :)

Rebekah said...

You're not alone friend. I would think it strange if you WEREN'T feeling all this turmoil.

One thing that I look forward to reading every day when I get home is Ty's journal. I leave it on the counter and ask the two women that watch Ty to write everything from what he ate to when he napped to any cuteness that happened that day. Ben's mom even tells me when he pooped :). It's such a small thing, but it makes me feel more a part of his day and what he did while I was out bringing home bacon!

Rachel said...

All I can offer is prayers on your behalf...for peace, for understanding, for strength...

Hugs, my friend...

Wendy said...

Many hugs, Melba. I'm feeling like this, too, as the end of the month approaches. Zoe is going to stay with her babysitter for a few hours next week while I work in my classroom; I'm already feeling anxious. And I REALLY like her sitter! So, I understand how you're feeling - I'm sorry it's so hard.

I like Rebekah's idea of a daily notebook -- I think I'm going to do that, too. That way I can hear/read about all the things she does each day.

Natalie said...

Hugs to you!!

Nancy said...

It has been FOREVER since I last checked in, but I just want to offer my support. I'm right there with you. In two weeks, Norah will start day care. It's tearing me to pieces, but I know it can't be avoided.

Becky said...

I'm a week and a half into it!!! Leaving my 18 month old with a sitter in her home as I returned to work full time. It pains me to leave him, to have someone else caring for MY baby from 7:30 to nearly 4:00!! She is great but, not his mom! It's the hardest thing moms have to do!!! To add to my guilt, I only worked part time with my first two........at jobs where they were in the building where I was! Not able to happen with this 3rd one to feed!

I hope it gets better!!! These 8 days have been hard, I won't lie! The evenings are bad....he cries and clings to me for dear life! Breaks my heart! But, I pray it gets better as he adjusts!

And...honestly, I am loving my job...and that piece of me that it has given me back! I think that will help me be a better mom!
Hugs and love! Hang in there with the rest of us! :)