Baby's First Halloween

Halloween has been one of my favorite parts of the holiday/fall season for a long time, but this year was even better with the little one here for the festivities. We went the inexpensive homemade route for his costume, what do you think:

Can you guess what he's dressed up as?

...

...

...

Give up yet?

It's called, "Daddy Dressed Me!"

Well we thought it was funny! As it turned out, Charlie only made it to about three houses before he fell fast asleep on Daddy's shoulder.

That's just as well since we certainly didn't need the extra candy sitting around the house! All in all, the boy's first Halloween was lots of fun. We had my parents, as well as my younger sister and her husband over for chili while we passed out candy to the smattering of neighborhood kids who came down our street. The night was low key, but enjoyable. Hope all of you had a Happy Halloween too!

Two Inches...

My 17-year-old nephew was in a car accident this morning, and the paramedics told him that if he had been two inches taller, he probably wouldn't have survived. He crashed into a semi-truck and the entire roof caved. Apparently he hit the central wheel base of the truck, and if the impact would have been to the right or left even slightly, the top of the car would have been completely cut off. I saw the pictures of the car and it made me feel sick. Apparently the driver of the truck didn't even approach Nick's car because he assumed the worst. Over the years my nephew has struggled with being the kid who's shorter than all his peers. All I can say is that I am thankful beyond words for the two inches that have turned out to be vital to Nick's life.

He is okay. Bruised, scraped, and scared...but thankfully okay. After seeing those photos, I'm honestly not sure how he walked away from a crash like that with only a band-aid and a headache. I know that if I would have seen something like this on the road, I would have assumed the driver of the car probably hadn't survived. I could cry. Thankful does not even come close to my thoughts tonight. Thoughts of how much worse this day could have been send shudders down my spine.

They took him to the hospital, and have done every kind of scan you can imagine to make sure there are no internal injuries. My family is in the process of piling in the car and driving down to Indiana to visit. It's probably not essential that we go there, but we all just want to give Nick a hug and tell him we love him. I am feeling pretty shaken right now, and still pretty upset, but also tremendously thankful that he wasn't seriously hurt.

This was written earlier today. We are back home in MI now, and all seems to be as well as could be expected with Nick. Tonight I am really wishing that he wasn't quite so far away, but it is what it is. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers!!

Half a Year Ago...

Half a year. When you say it like that, the time seems so much longer, and so much more momentous, which is exactly how it feels to me. I honestly cannot believe Charlie is six months old today. He is the greatest blessing I could ever have asked for, and I am awed by his existence. Six months ago today, our lives were on the cusp of great change, though we didn't know it at the time. On that fateful late April day, a tiny star was born. I am immensely grateful for the life of our son, and for the tremendous sacrifices made by his first mother so that he could be.

My sincere thanks go to Tracey for the adorable sweater Charlie is wearing here!

Charlie is an amazing little boy. He delights me every single day with his sweet personality, and with all the new things he learns. He is joyful, and his happiness is catching. He has recently started babbling in his sleep, and even laughing sometimes too. It is the most darling thing I've ever seen or heard. When I look at him, it is crystal clear to me: we needed this little boy! People tell us all the time that he's so lucky to have us, but I know we're the ones who are lucky! There is nothing sweeter to me than when I look into his soulful, brown eyes and see so much love reflected there. The way he watches me, and the way he smiles when we find each other, it is purely golden. Though I feel buoyed by his love for me, his need of me, I also feel that I'm not worthy of such adoration from this little person. I guess all mothers feel that to an extent?

There are a lot of changes forthcoming with the physical age of six months. He gets new pacifier nipples, new bottle nipples, and he can begin eating a much greater variety of solid foods now, all of which is very exciting.

I spent a good portion of this past weekend making baby food for him, and I had so much fun! I made butternut squash, carrots, green beans, and apples, which I hope he will like. I'm excited for this new phase of babyhood and all the new experiences!

He started with green beans today...

...so far he's not too thrilled about them!

I'm not sure why exactly, but I've gotten a lot of satisfaction out of making Charlie's food. I think it must be similar (though very different, of course!) to that feeling a mother gets when she's breast feeding her baby. The knowledge that I'm giving my baby the best there is, and saving money at the same time is empowering!





In other developments, Charlie has recently become very good with his hands, which is pretty amazing to watch. He grabs at almost everything he sees now (including our glasses at the dinner table, and the glasses off my face!) and he will practice moving objects from one hand to the other. I love watching him do this over and over as he experiments with different items.

Today we went out in the back yard and played in the leaves. Of course, he kept wanting to put the them in his mouth, but he quickly figured out they're not the best tasting things in the world.

I guess Mommy knows a thing or two when she says the leaves taste yucky!

He's also sitting up on his own now, though he will still topple occasionally if he's not 100 % balanced. We are still waiting on the teeth, but I keep thinking they will make a grand entrance any day now! He seems to really enjoy touching things. Often when I'm holding him he will rub my face with his hands, and grab my mouth while I'm talking. It is both funny and sweet when he does this.

He won't go to the doctor until next week, but he currently weighs almost exactly 16 pounds, and I would guess he's about 26 inches long. He's loving bath time these days, which I think is due at least in part to the fact that he can sit up in his tub now. His nails certainly do grow quickly though! Do any of the rest of you have trouble keeping up with your little one's nails? This is something that's been a lot harder for me than I ever expected. I have to cut them almost every three or four days, and with all the face touching and grabbing lately it's problematic if I forget.

Though they have been a complete whirlwind, these past six months have been some of the best of my entire life. I mentioned in this post that I had a good feeling about my 33rd year, and it turns out my predictions were correct, our baby was already on the way a few days after I wrote that post. My truest self is the part of me that is "mother." I am loving being able to finally walk in those shoes. I am so glad, and so relieved that I no longer have to daydream about being a mother, and that I can now finally get down to the business of being one!

I hope and pray that those of you who are still waiting have your heart's desire fulfilled soon too.

One Boy + One Box = A Blast!

It really is the little things in life that matter, which I was reminded of tonight after school. When I got home, there was an unexpected package waiting. The surprise turned out to be an adorable pair of overalls for Charlie, from his Auntie Nani. After all the years of loving on, and (I admit) spoiling my nephew and nieces, it is so sweet to realize that I have a little boy who other people now want to spoil! Anyway, though I am so thankful, that's not really what this post is about.

It's more about the fact that I am so in love with the way Charlie is overjoyed by even the simplest things in life. This is what I absolutely love about babies, they are the only humans I know who are literally thrilled by simplicities such as cardboard boxes. Pure joy!!!

Tasty Toes!

There is something so very special about the baby stage Charlie is in right now. To say that this is the golden age of babyhood is a grand understatement. I am enjoying him so very much these days! I love that Charlie has found his toes, and...while I obviously want our son to grow...there is some part of me that wishes this delicious baby could stay around forever!

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!

Kreativ Blog Award

Thank you to Mary B. and Tracey for the Kreativ Blog Award nomination...it's nice to see a new award making its way around the blogosphere. :)

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name seven things about yourself that people may not know.
5. Nominate seven Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they've been nominated.

So let's see...seven things people may not know about me:

1. In movies, I'm more sad if a dog dies than if a person dies. Yeah, I love dogs that much.
2. I abhor Reality TV shows of any kind
3. I actually don't like TV very much at all, and consequently end up mostly watching whatever Michael wants to watch, when I watch it at all. I think this makes it hard for people to relate to me, or maybe it's the other way around. However, I do have a major weak spot for Desperate Housewives...go figure!!
4. I hate that feeling when you meet someone you really like at first, but as you get to know them better, you realize there are significant things with which you really can't relate...
5. I feel obligated to be a good role model for the young 20-somethings with whom I attend school. I feel sort of like an older sibling to them, in a way.
6. Sometimes I think I have a really big vocabulary until I read things written by true authors. I learned the word vitriolic this way.
   
7. I have an obsessive/compulsive habit (need) to organize my dollar bills both numerically, and so that they all go the same direction. So on the rare occasions when I have a stack of money, I have $20s on the bottom, followed by $10s, then $5s, and then $1s. All bills are "face up" and stacked neatly. I get this from my dad, and when I see him do it all I can do is roll my eyes.

And now for my seven nominations:

1. Hope 548
2. Debbie
3. Andi-Bo-Bandi
4. Sarah
5. Kel
6. Alicia
7. Jill

That's all for now!

Charlie's Childhood

This post has been one that's been churning in the back of my mind for a while now. Ever since I became a mom...which is to say, ever since I fulfilled one of my life's greatest dreams, I've been thinking a lot about the pressure I think most mothers feel regarding their children. I don't know if I can give words to my thoughts, but I'm going to try:

Now that we have Charlie, there's this thing...this magical "other" that is much bigger than me, and that is happening almost of it's own accord. This thing, this almost tangible entity that is being created as the days slip into months, which blend into years is Charlie's childhood.

When I look at our little boy, I am amazed and humbled by the essence of his life. This other human being has now been placed in my care, for better or worse. By and large, the quality of his life is now dependent upon me. Everything I do, every decision I make, whether small or large, now impacts another human being. There is no way to not feel a little overwhelmed by that. But I mostly feel overwhelmed in a good sense if that's possible. Maybe "overwhelmed" is the wrong word anyway. Maybe it would be more appropriate to say I feel awed by the sheer responsibility, and ultimately, the joy of it all.

And that's not to say that all aspects of being a mother are joyful. There are a lot of mundane, and even gross aspects of the job too. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it also shines through me, and puts an extra spring in my step. I guess what it boils down to is that I don't really think I can articulate what goes through my mind when I look at Charlie's face. To say that I love him is an understatement of epic proportions. Even something as big as love doesn't quite cover "mother."

I think most mothers probably feel that same sense on some level, even if they don't actively think about it. But "mother" means many different things to many different people, as does "childhood."

To me, childhood is a precious time, and something that people carry with them throughout life. When someone has a traumatic or difficult childhood, you can bet there will be lifelong repercussions. Likewise, those of us who are lucky enough to have had a good childhood treasure that as one of our greatest lifetime gifts. My husband and I were both lucky in that regard, and we want nothing more than to be able to give our son the gift of a happy and carefree childhood as well.

But the thing is, he's only one baby...one boy. Sometimes when I think about all the hurt and abuse out there, I can actually feel a physical pain. Every baby deserves to be loved as much as Charlie is loved, and it's sometimes too much for me when I think about those who are not. Today at the store I actually saw a grown woman telling her crying toddler to shut up. When he then ran away from her down the isle, she told the other adult she was with to, "Just run over him with the cart, maybe then he'll get out of the way." Yeah, this actually happened...and it made me so angry.

Sometimes I can be guilty of thinking too much, or of being too emotional and too sappy, but I don't understand how some people honestly don' t think (or worse yet don't care) about the impact they have on their children. Parenthood is a precious gift, and I wish more people could think of it as such. What would the world be like if every baby were loved?

I would never wish the pain and heartache of infertility on anyone, ever. But I sometimes do wish people would realize...stop and think about what they have when they look at their children. We waited so long to become parents, and I'm endlessly glad that period of our lives has come to an end. I love that we are now moving forward again, and that we get to relive so much of the joy of life through our son.

Still, I can honestly say that I'm now thankful for those waiting years. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that those years made me the mother I am. It is that very same heartache, that very same waiting that keeps me constantly in check about the impact I have on my son, about the kind of mother I want to be, and about the kind of childhood I want Charlie to have.

Keep Holding On

This one's for all of you who are still waiting out there tonight. The other day I happened to open up one of my old journals from our infertility days, and this is an exert from one of the many pages I wrote during that time:

January 11, 2007 - 12:29 p.m.

"I'm still not sure where I'm going - where my path will lead. I'm feeling pretty unsettled lately and I've been doing a lot of thinking. Last night I dreamt lucidly. I've been reading the little book Dad gave me about how to design your dreams. I went to sleep with the question of my life dangling on the edges--'when am I going to have a baby?' Then, though I don't remember the specifics of my dream, I woke up with the song, Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne in my head. And so I will. The part that was playing in my head as I woke up goes:

Keep holding on
you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you.

Sometimes I can't help but be amazed by the way my mind works. I know my dreams are somewhat generated by my daily existence, but that song immediately struck a chord with me the first time I heard it, and it's given me a lot of comfort as we've been dealing with infertility. I feel almost as though that message is coming from somewhere else--some other, higher place that knows music is one language to which I am highly in tune. Anyway, all I know is that I have a lighter step today than I have in a while, and it feels good.

~MSL, age 31

So...maybe my message can give you some comfort too? I had a conversation with a friend tonight, another adoptive mom, about how adoption doesn't fix infertility or heal all the pain, and how some of that is always and inevitably ingrained within us after the long, hard battle of infertility. That really made me think, and sort of put me back in that place of how hard it is to keep holding on. I hope you all know that you're not alone, and that I haven't forgotten how hard infertility is, or how hard waiting is. Even when you're down and out, and you feel like you can't take another day...keep holding on!

Blogland...we have a five-month-old!

Yes, it's true...Baby Charlie is five months old today! I feel like I constantly lament about how quickly the time is flying by, so I'm not even going to go there!

Look at his big smile!

The last five months of my life have been such a fabulous whirlwind, it's unbelievable. This truly has been the time of my life! When I think about where I was back then, it's hard to put into words how this child has transformed us. He is such a joyful baby, even at his worst. Sometimes I can't even believe I'm the lucky one who gets to be his mommy.

Seriously...what a gorgeous baby!

Charlie has become quite inquisitive these last few weeks. He looks around at all the new (and old) places we go, and takes it all in. He's gotten very good at holding objects in his hand, and he turns and reaches for things that pique his interest now. He's intrigued by textures, and he will scratch or rub things that are different from what he's used to.

His latest fascination is his feet, which is the cutest thing ever. Any time I sit him down, he grabs them and won't let go. Sometimes he tries to get his face down to his feet instead of bringing his feet up to his face, at which point the inevitable face plant ensues. I'm sure he will master the fine art of foot-tasting soon. :)

Speaking of sitting him down, we have a very social butterfly baby who absolutely loves to be held, and to be where the action is. He will play with his toys for a few minutes, but that doesn't last long, especially when he knows other things are going on. Luckily for him, I always tell him we're the perfect pair because I love to hold him as much as he loves to be held. :)

Other than that, nothing much has changed. We still have no teeth in sight, but he chews voraciously on everything, and he drools non-stop. I'm hopeful some teeth will show up soon. I dearly love watching this little man grow, change, and make sense of his world, and I can't wait for what the next month brings!

Bad Blogger

Do they make an award for that? Because if so, I need one! Lately I've been really bad at commenting, and even worse at thinking of anything at all to write about.

I guess I'm a little burned out, or a little overwhelmed, or both...I don't know.

Things with Charlie are going well. He seems to be adjusting very well to me being gone a couple of days a week. He's always been Mr. Laid Back Baby, and the trend continues. That, coupled with the fact that we have an amazing caregiver who is doing this primarily because she loves babies has made my transition pretty smooth.

Still, I'd be lying if I told you that I'm not overwhelmed by the demands of being both full-time Mommy (the best job of all!) and full-time student. My brain simply isn't where it used to be, and that's showing up in my lack of organization and lack of ability to focus on what I need to be doing. My hat sincerely goes off to anyone who has walked this road before me. And to all you working moms out there...I never thought the balancing act was easy, but neither did I realize it was this hard, wow! I know that I will get back into the swing of things, and figure out what my new normal needs to be so that I can succeed at both of my jobs, but it's taking more time than I would like.

And speaking of jobs, that's the other thing that's been dragging me down. This is the first semester in a long time that I haven't been working at least part time, and the lack of income is getting to both of us. Any and all "extras" have now been completely eliminated, and we're down to figuring out how we can eat as cheaply as possible. Putting it in perspective, I know we are still extremely fortunate. We have a home, food, clothing, we are FINE. And I have this gift of precious, uninterrupted time with our son that I will cherish once he's older. I know I will look back on these times and be so very thankful that I was able to be with him as much as I am. Still, it's hard to be stretched so thin, and Michael and I are both feeling the squeeze.

I know I'm about to sound a little crazy, but we recently switched Charlie over to the generic version of formula, and it's really bugging me. The top of the En.famil container even says, "Because it's YOUR Baby!" Now if that's not an effective marketing ploy then I don't know what is! I KNOW he is fine, and I KNOW the comparisons are pretty equitable. I even asked the doctor if he would feed this stuff to his kids and he said yes. So what's my problem? Why do I still have this hang-up that we're somehow doing less than we should for our baby because we're not feeding him the name-brand formula? I guess part of the reason I feel this way is because this food is ALL he eats. But then when I look at the difference in price, and I look at our budget...I simply can't justify that extra expense for a name any longer.

The bottom line is hat it is what it is. All of this "stuff" with which I'm struggling simply is what it is. I'm doing what I have to do for our future, and we are going to have to scrimp and save and stretch for the next two years. This is our reality and there's not much I can do to change that. I guess now that we have Charlie, I'm a little afraid of being too negative, or complaining too much, both in real life, and here in blogland. I know things could be so much worse, and I never want to come off as though I'm taking our good fortune for granted. I'm finding, lately, that I've resorted to the old, "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" adage from my childhood. There is some goodness to that way of thinking, but it also means I'm nto really being real, and not really being honest...which is one of the reasons I started blogging in the first place.

So there you have it. That's where I've been lately, and those are the wheels that are turning inside my head. Feel free to begin throwing rotten tomatoes now.

First Big Day Away

I put Charlie to bed tonight at 7:30, and it's likely I won't see him awake again until about that same time Friday morning. Over 24 hours without seeing my baby smile or snuggling him close, yuck!! It's entirely possible that I may decide to be selfish and wake him up in the morning so I can have at least a few minutes, but we'll see what happens with that. He really doesn't like being woken up, and I don't want his first long day without me to be bad.

Since one of my classes is hybrid and won't meet on campus every week, my schedule isn't as daunting as I initially thought it was going to be. Still, even having days like this once a month is going to be hard for me, and I'm also worried about how I'm going to continue to be the kind of student I have been now that my priorities have completely shifted.

I do have to remind myself that it could be much worse. He will be safe, happy and well-loved while I'm gone, which is a tremendous blessing. AND...he's here, which is so much better than waiting was! I haven't forgotten how hard that was, but I also didn't quite anticipate how hard this balancing act was going to be.

This semester is going to be a big adjustment for me and I hope it goes well...wish me luck!

Charlie & Daddy

Here's a little video love to brighten your day. The quality isn't great because the room was too dark, but this giggle would cheer me up even if he wasn't my son!

Joy and Sorrow

Wow, what a week it's been in blogland! This adoption stuff can be one heck of a crazy roller coaster at times. Tonight I'm feeling a little melancholy. I've been absolutely elated for E, with the wonderful news of her recent match, and that great news came on the heels of good news for RB too.

But then, as is always a risk with this journey, RB got the news we all dread: a failed match. And worse yet, this is the second time they have had to go through this turmoil. Somehow that just doesn't seem fair to me. I just feel so heavy and sad for her, and I can't even imagine the magnitude of her pain.

Then there's Kel, who is waiting for news right now, and who waits so patiently in general. She has had a rather tumultuous few weeks with lots of adoption drama going on, and my heart goes out to her. Ashley also wrote a beautiful post about the journey she has been through this past year, going from thinking she was going to lose her son to the realization that he was going to be placed with them after all. What a beautiful story and heartwarming post!

Then there are also recent posts from Sarah and Jessie, both of whom are dealing with the loss of their mothers, amongst many other challenges. Both of these women seem incredibly strong to me, and they remind me that every day is special, and that bitching about the insignificant stuff in life is truly a waste of time and energy.

I guess tonight I'm just feeling unsettled. There has been tremendous joy and sorrow all in this one week, and it's left me feeling really emotional. I'm definitely counting my blessings, and saying a lot of prayers (both of thanks, and for healing) for all of you out there. Honestly when I started blogging, it was for me. Well...for me, and for my family so they could follow our journey. Now it's so much more than that. I still tell our story, and I blog for Charlie now too...but I LOVE the connections that have happened here. I feel as though I know so many of you on a truly personal level, and that is pretty cool considering the distances that lie between us.