My First Ever...

...blogging award! Thank you so much to Bri for her sweet comments and for the Pink Rose award! Bri is a waiting adoptive mom, like me, and we sometimes joke that we share the same brain. Her posts often give voice to my thoughts in an almost uncanny way. She and I seem to be on the same wavelength much of the time, and we are at similar places in our adoption journeys. I know Bri is going to be an excellent mom someday, and I would give this award to her if she hadn't already beaten me to the punch! :)




In keeping with the Pink Rose tradition, I would also like to dedicate this award to the following people:

• My mom and two sisters - Though I can't for the life of me get any of them to blog regularly, they are an excellent support system for me and I tremendously appreciate their love and friendship.

• Nancy at Budintash - Nancy writes from the heart, and it shows on her blog. She peppers her posts with delicious-looking recipes that make me want to stay in my kitchen all day long. Nancy always makes me feel good with her comments and encouragement and I enjoy reading her blog every chance I get. She and her husband are well on the way to achieving their dreams of becoming mommy & daddy, and I can't wait to witness their joy when that time comes.

• Becky at 4 Days in a Week - She may have already received this award in the past, but if so it's been a while. Becky brings so much optimism and hope to the blogosphere. I love reading the stories about her two little ones, and I love the encouragement and support she provides for me, and other waiting families! As a busy mommy of two, she still finds time to blog regularly, and to be a cheerleader for those of us who are following in her footsteps. THANK YOU, BECKY!!

• Rebekah at Heart Cries - She is such an inspiration to me with her strong faith and positive way of looking at the world, not to mention this whole adoption thing. She writes beautifully with an eloquent style that is all her own. She has creative energy that is contagious, and her baby-room decorating skills are something to see!

• Debbie at Family Reunion - Debbie writes lovely posts about her baby daughter, and is always quick to comment on my blog. I love that she scrapbooks on the floor next to where her daughter is napping, and I love how in love she is with her family. She is an inspiration to me, and I look forward to the day when we can compare mommy stories!

Here are the instructions for passing this award along:

• On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: "Pink is my favorite color...". There's a story of the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from.
  
  

• Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blog (if they have one,) and explain why you have chosen them.
  
  

• Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
  
  

• If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
  
  

• If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
  

• You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

Blessings Abound

For any of you who haven't already heard the fantastic news, check out Yoka's Blog and her sweet posts about her first few days with their beautiful daughter, Lillian. I've been reading Yoka's story for a while now, and I am absolutely thrilled for them!! It's funny how we pre-adoptive, and eventually adoptive parents have an automatic connection sometimes. I feel as though I know Yoka personally, even though I only know her through her words here on the blogosphere. I am truly overjoyed for this new little family!

A little closer to home, we got excellent news today that my niece-to-be is doing just fine. I haven't written about this, partly because it's not about me, (which always makes me wonder exactly how much I can comfortably say,) and partly because I was too afraid. My sister went for an ultrasound last week and called me afterwords with the very scary news that the baby's heartbeat was irregular. She would have to go see a specialist at the local university hospital. I listened to her and tried my best to give what little comfort I could. I cried, I prayed and I asked for prayers on her behalf. I have been absolutely sick with worry this whole week, but I have been trying to think positively. The appointment with the specialist was this morning. You can imagine my relief when I got my sister's voice mail message that all the results were normal. She sounded relieved and I am so very thankful for this turn of events. She's off to a work conference the rest of this week, so I may or may not get to talk to her in person before she gets back. All I can say is WOW...and thank you to any and all of you who said prayers (Tracey) on our behalf.

I haven't felt it

I may have to eat these words later, but I hope not. I've been reading several posts on other blogs about rude comments from people IRL and lack of excitement at the mention of adoption, etc. Maybe it's because I don't mention our status a whole lot, unless directly asked about it, or maybe it's something else...but at least so far, I haven't felt that notorious big white elephant in the room when I tell people we're adopting. A little arsenal always stands ready in the back of my mind, should the need for defense arise, but I haven't had to call upon that just yet.

As a side note, I went to Babies-R-Us the other day to inquire about the process for creating a baby registry (and YES I parked in the "expectant mothers" parking space!) and they were very friendly. They explained the process and gave me a packet with more info. I think we will probably do this at some point in the near future and I am really excited for that day. I remember not so long ago when I walked around that store with my friend during her pregnancy. Dreaming with her was fun, to be sure, but that experience pales in comparison to how I feel now, dreaming about our own expectancy.

I wrote some time ago about my struggle with the loss of control once we enter the pool, but to my surprise, the exact opposite has happened. At least as of right now I feel a complete sense of peace about where we are. My blogger buddy and fellow waiting adoptive mom, Tracey mentioned this in a recent post on her blog, and I have to say I'm feeling much the same. I know there will be times when the waiting becomes difficult, but for the moment, I feel restful, hopeful, and happy!

Splash!

We're officially in the pool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell I'm a little excited?! I turned in our pool entry payment and final paperwork this morning, then I got an email from Elly this afternoon telling us we're official. I've been alternating between tears of joy and laughter all afternoon, with a smidgen of nervous anticipation mixed in there somewhere as well. Anyone who had the {mis}fortune of driving beside or behind me today probably thought I was losing my mind!

I finally feel it's OK to dream a little! For the first time in a long, long time, I genuinely believe what my blog signature says..."mom-to-be!" Not that I didn't believe it before, but somehow before today that statement felt...I don't know, more like I was trying to convince myself than an actual truth I felt. Does that make any sense?

After getting this great news, and making all those exciting calls to friends and family, I had a strong urge to do something symbolic to mark this day. Unfortunately, we just gave the last of our available money to the agency, so I didn't think I would be able to do any shopping. I happened to look through my wallet (for an unrelated purpose) when I found an erstwhile Barnes & Noble gift certificate that my dear, sweet husband gave me earlier this year. This was actually one of his Christmas gifts, but being the big sweetheart he is, he gave it to me as a little rainy day fund. So...off to B&N I went. I got three books, two of which are about adoption, and one of which is about parenting. This is the first book I've purchased about parenting not specifically related to adoption, so it's pretty exciting for me. And here's a nerdy picture to brighten your day:



I was impressed with the selection of adoption related books at the store I visited. Since the last time I was there (about 6 months ago) they've gotten several new adoption books, and they even had a baby book for adoptive families, which is the first I've seen in a retail store. I may even write them a note and express my appreciation for their support of adoption. The adoption community so needs more positive representation in "the real world" so their acknowledgment of the topic put an extra spring in my step. The two books I chose are A Love Like No Other and Keys to Parenting an Adopted Child These both look interesting to me, and should be valuable additions to our growing adoption library.

Today is a GOOD DAY!!!

Insensitive

After reading the article and comments mentioned in Yoka's post, the song, "Insensitive" by Jan Arden suddenly popped into my head. I haven't heard this song in years, but I used to like it quite a lot.

I'm still pretty shocked at the ignorance and...well insensitivity...of some of the comments written in response to that article. I know people arr rude sometimes just for the sake of being rude, but really...how do they live with themselves? I've never actually encountered anyone like this IRL, and my guess is that's because no one would actually say such things in face-to-face conversation. This kind of reminds e of how {some} people act in cars. We would never flip someone off or swear violently at another human being walking too slowly down a hallway in front of us, and yet once we get behind the door of a car, all normal niceties are thrown to the curb. It's really quite shocking when you see a fellow adult in a state of full blown temper tantrum in your rear view mirror. This doesn't happen to me anymore, but back when I was commuting an hour+ to work every day, I had my fair share of obnoxious fellow drivers. Whatever - this is a tangent...I'm just so surprised at how rude people can be when they don't have to own up to their actions, or when they can hide behind a screen name on a computer.

And so in response to all those insensitive people (and also a little bit for old time's sake)...here's a song I like:

More Paper...work!

We received the "pool entry packet" from our agency in the mail today. It's nothing too major, just some medical consent forms we have to sigh off on, and information/suggestions on how to talk with future birthparents, etc. The only thing that's kind of annoying me is the fact that our medical consent forms from our doctor will be out of date in August. I'm really wishing we had waited a while to have those completed last year. Hindsight is always 20/20 though, and at the time I had no idea how long all this paperwork, etc. was going to take. It's not that big of a deal...just a doctor's appointment, which should be easier the second time around. I guess I just wish we didn't have to add that to our to-do list quite so soon.

Our adoptive parent summary, which was adapted from our autobiography and written by the agency was also included. It was kind of interesting to read a four-page article (so to speak) about our lives. I would never have been able to break all that information down into such manageable chunks, but they did a lovely job. The last paragraph, regarding references said, "...They have current references that are extremely favorable and recommend Michael and Melanie as parents without question," Then at the end of the summary it said, "Catholic Social Services of [name of county] recommends Michael and Melanie for the adoption of an infant who is in normal health." Reading those two sentences, canned though they may be, made me feel all squishy inside. To think we have come so far in one short year!! From wondering if we would ever be parents to being well on our way in the pursuit of that goal, wow! I am so excited, there really are no words!! Before long we really will be "waiting parents," and, all issues aside, I really can't wait for that day!

In some respects pool entry is even more exciting than finding out you're pregnant because there's so much anticipation and...WORK...leading up to this point. We've been pushing toward "the pool" for a long time and once we are finally in it we can act as though we are pregnant, even though we will be there for an unknown amount of time...how exciting is that?!!! As corny as it sounds, I made a pact with myself a long time ago that I wouldn't walk down the "baby care" aisles in stores unless I truly needed something there. Mostly this was to save my own sanity, but also because I want that place to still feel special when my time comes for regular visitation there. I don't want all the sweetness of baby smells, diapers, toys, and food to be marred by my own disappointments of old, if that makes any sense. Now, at long last, I will have a reason to walk down those rows and rows of sweetness so I can dream about our future little one and what kind of diapers we might use...what toy he or she might like best. These are the small things that, as an adoptive parent, I will never take for granted. I cannot wait for those sweet nothing moments that I have so longed for all these years. Our time is coming and I feel a great sense of anticipation. I feel so many emotions, it's hard to quantify and assign words to my feelings...excitement, joy, fear, anticipation, nervousness, I'm seriously all over the place tonight!!

Yay!!

I just got a message from Elly re: the album issue we have. {bless her heart, she's working on a holiday weekend!} She said it will be fine for us to go ahead and enter the pool with just the one album and then we can give her the corrected one when it comes in. I am really happy about this - what a relief to know we won't be as far off track as I originally thought. I know a few weeks seems inconsequential in the grand scheme of things...but when you're waiting to start a family, every second counts.

I think that's part of what's been bugging me so much lately. Sometimes I get the feeling, watching all the other happy families, that my life is just passing me by. Not that I'm not happy, but I am definitely lacking a sense of fulfillment. I know we're still young and we've got plenty of time, yada...yada...yada, but I just long to be like all the other 30-somethings I know, raising my family and watching the next generation grow. Oh how I long for that! And it's not that I expect a baby to complete me...I know that is no task for a little person...but I'm getting to the age where I want to be able to give back something significant. I was blessed with wonderful parents and a great childhood. I want to be able to give the same to my children and support the future generation the way my parents did. I'm just READY to be a mom! I'm ready to experience youth and innocence again through the eyes of my children. I've felt ready for a long, long time now, but the older I get the more I just don't want to wait anymore. Maybe the impending birthday (I turn 33 in August) and the realization that yet another year has come and gone is what's making me feel so tired of the wait. I know it will all make sense someday, I really do know that...I just hope that day isn't too far away!

Will the Sun Finally Come?

Well I have to be honest...I've been keeping my distance from the blogosphere as of late because I'm still kind of having a hard time. I can't seem to shake the general feeling of sadness I've been carrying around these past few weeks. I'm quite certain this is mostly due to my not being around kids as much, for they are my great distraction and relief from my own lack of children. This is a hard summer for me, the first in a long time that I've been...well...basically alone.

Even though I'm NOT alone and I do know how very much I'm blessed in this life. This post is not meant to be a complaint, a pity party, or a plea for others to feel sorry for me. I just have to get some of this out of my system. In fact I think I might even try to find someone to talk to, so to speak. I went to a counselor a long time ago, back when I was in my early 20's and honestly I haven't really felt the need since then...but lately...well those feelings are changing. Last night I had dreams of my dogs dying, repeated dreams that felt so real they broke my heart. The details are fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure I was really crying in my sleep. Today I just feel very blah and sad...like the dreams were real even though I know they were not.

I know I have a lot of catching up to do on all the blogs I normally read almost daily. I promise I'll make my rounds again soon.

Our adoption book is going to get fixed. After talking to the people who made it, the conclusion was reached that the issues we had with the binding were a manufacturing defect. So they will reprint the book and refund us the initial fee we paid. Actually one book looks much better than the other and I think we're going to see if we can go ahead and turn that one in next week and then give them the duplicate copy once it comes in. I have to talk to Elly and see what she thinks about all this. I think...no I know I will feel a lot better once we are in the pool and all these frustrating technical difficulties are no longer hanging over our heads.

Anyway...I don't have much more to say, I just needed to vent. I am so thankful we're not in Iowa (and I've been praying for those who are every day,) but I am tired of so much rain. Two summer events I've been to recently have been canceled due to inclement weather. The trend is getting old and I'm feeling much like they sky looks...gray and pouty.