Cheered

***I have to update this because now I'm feeling even more cheerful after reading the fantastic news over at BB's blog! If you haven't heard, check it out and congratulate the new family!!***

I just got off the phone with our SW and I am feeling so much better now. She wasn't sure if it would make me feel better or worse, so she somewhat hesitantly told me that the last b.mom who looked at our profile took only three albums home, including ours. Our SW said that the b.mom really liked us and thought we both sounded like "so much fun." I wish that would have been enough to make her choose us, but such is life. There seems to (finally!) be activity with our agency again, which makes a huge difference in how I feel overall. I have a small feeling of hope regarding this whole crazy process again and it's a welcome relief.

I'll be honest, I have been feeling a tremendous amount of self-doubt and sadness lately. There has been a shadow hanging over me, primarily regarding my weight, but also the fact that I'm so non-traditional in terms of still being in school at my age. I've been feeling lately that I will never be able to be a mom because I'm not thin like everyone else, even though I know I am absolutely meant to be a mom. It's just that sometimes when I compare myself to other 30-somethings, I feel woefully inadequate and very behind the times. I'm just so ready to have a "normal" job, and to be done with this crazy run-around called college. Normally I am such a confident, self-assured person, but lately I just haven't felt it and that's been bugging me.

I don't know--I'm sure there are still some trying days ahead with all of this, but for the first time in quite a while, I feel like everything really will be okay in the end. At least I can hope!

Nothing

Nothing to say and nothing to do...I'm just spending my time waiting for you! OK so that's cheesy, and I could probably turn it into an even cornier country/western song (cue creepy banjo music now...) but I wanted to post an entry today, and yet I have nothing to say! *sigh*

My life continues to be insanely busy, and the days fly by...but it's still not enough to keep my mind off of where my heart is. You guys know what I mean, I know.

On a happy note, I am slowly beginning the process of putting together our nursery, and I have found some potentially great Craig's List deals that I'm excited about. Of course I'll post photos and more details when I have them, but for now this is something fun for me to do that acknowledges our waiting in a positive way. It's all good.

That's it for tonight, sorry for the goofy and disjointed post, but I'm tired of looking at that "deflated" title from last week, and also tired in general so you get what you get!

Deflated

Lately I've been feeling pretty good, but these last couple days...it's like someone deflated my balloon. I can't pinpoint one thing that's gotten me down, other than the strong likelihood that my mood is largely in response to the monsoon-like weather Michigan has had recently. I actually enjoy the rain, but this has been a little too much for me. We had over two inches of rain this past weekend, complete with a flooded basement, and it's still coming down tonight. *Sigh*

The situation I mentioned in this post turned into another "no." Without going into details, I will say that my very first thought at hearing that news was one of relief more than anything else. That definitely tells you something. Still, every "no" also comes with some sadness for me. In theory, I do know our time will come, but practically speaking, this wait feels eternal.

I fear that I may become bitter the longer this takes. The rejection never gets any easier, no matter what the situation entails, but my reaction changes a little each time. The inevitable tears I cry take a little longer to arrive each subsequent time we receive the same basic email from our CW. They always sound similar, and basically say something to the effect of, "I know this is difficult, but so-and-so has chosen another family..." The more times I read those words, the more detached my reaction becomes. Maybe this is a healthy/normal defense mechanism, but it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

In any case, our wait continues and I'm just plugging away. As miserable as I sound in this post, I'm really not. I am tired tonight, and therefore may be feeling a little more on edge than normal, but for the most part I'm just "walking along the plateau" (thanks to BB for that) of this journey.

One for the Bairn

My hubby just came home and told me he bought three lottery tickets today. I asked him why three, and he said, "Well, one for you, one for me, and one for the bairn." It took me a minute, but then I realized what he meant...the bairn, as is baby...as in our baby...our future little person. That made my day, he is such a sweet man!