Walking a Fine Line

I don't know if I can explain this.

In my experience, the art of motherhood can be summed up by saying I walk a fine line between not wanting to over-react and not wanting to under-react. This has been crystal clear to me this weekend as little Charlie has had a low-grade fever since Friday night. I think it's probably related to teething but you can never be completely sure. As mommy, there is always a low-level feeling of gentle dread (if that's the right word) about my boy. It's not like I sit around worrying about him constantly or anything - but more that there is a living, breathing being existing outside my own body that I love as if he should be part of my body. Does that make any sense? Perhaps I should just leave it to the experts. Elizabeth Stone put it so eloquently:

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

Bingo, that's kind of what I'm trying to put into words. As Charlie's mommy, one of my greatest desires is to protect him. The really scary thing is the acute knowledge that I can't. I can keep him physically safe, at least now while he's small...and there are things I can do to try to protect him as he grows but when all is said and done, his precious life is beyond me. I guess any mother who has had a really sick child, or worse yet, lost a child (as horrifying as that thought is) can really speak to that.

I've said before that infertility taught me lessons about letting go and realizing that I have little control over some pretty major aspects of my life. In looking at that now, I can see that it was preparation...groundwork if you will for my life as a mother. Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I like to be in control. While maybe not quite a "control freak," I do like to hold the reins. I know beyond the shadow of any doubt that I am a much better mother now than I would have been if things had worked out my way. Beyond the fact that I can't imagine my life with any other baby in it is the fact that I am a stronger, healthier, happier, generally better woman now than I was then. I'm sure I could have been a good mom but I wouldn't have been the mom I am now.

There will undoubtedly be many lessons along the road of motherhood that are going to remind me of this same point - that I ultimately have no control. It's a difficult life lesson to learn and one that undoubtedly needs to be reiterated time and again, at least for most of us. I think that whole point about walking a fine line is why mother's intuition can be so strong at times, and why it's so important to listen to those gut feelings.