Friday, July 16, 2010

Part of Me

A few days ago I found my old paper journal from last year, the one I was writing right up through the end of our wait for C. and then into his arrival.

Wow it was really strange to read back over those times.  I was really struggling there towards the end of our wait.  I was writing almost every day (not to mention my blog posts here,) which, if you know me, is a pretty sure sign that I'm down and out.

It's so strange because that seems like almost an entirely different world to me now.  There is a part of me that can't remember what my life was like before C. came along but by the same token, there is a part of me that will never forget the struggle and the pain of waiting for him as long as we did.  I have reached a point where I'm genuinely thankful for that struggle, for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that it ultimately created our beautiful family. 

Having said that, in a very good way, C. is simply a part of me now and I don't continuously think about his arrival the same way I once did.  He is still our greatest blessing and the miracle of his life will forever be immeasurable to us but he just is now more than he ever was before.

I wish someone could have told me.  I spent so much of my time and energy there towards the end of our wait for C. being miserable and feeling sad.  I wish I could have known that I only had to hold on a few months longer and the sun would come out.  I know it wouldn't have mattered that much if someone had told me--I had to go through that part of our journey as much as I had to go through any part of it.  It's just that reading my own words (hearing myself talk if you will) during those times is really bleak.  If I could have written to myself back then from where I am now, I would have told myself to sing and laugh and dance and be happy.  I would have told myself to stop worrying so much about tomorrow and focus on today.  Ahhhh, if only that was as easily done as it is said!


Jill said...

Hind sight is always 20/20 isn't it? I feel the same way.

I also find it so cliche' when I tell waiting families that the wait is worth it, and that they will see why in the end. I would have wanted to strangle someone who told that to me...yet it is so true.

Great post as usual Melba! ;)

Jamie said...

however if we hadn't felt the pain, the misery, the aching in our heart ~ we wouldn't be the same grateful mama's we are today. ;) the learning is in the journey and while some of those days were as dark as it gets.....i know without them i wouldn't know the absolute love i feel today......
that said ~ YES ~ some days it would have been nice to know that "in the end" all would be good! :) there were times when i truly thought i would spend my entire life "trying" to be a mother and never really believing that i would. :)
good post melba!

hope548 said...

Amen sister!

Debbie B said...

I can't count the times people told me to just enjoy the time with just Dave and do fun stuff while we waited. I gritted my teeth every time they did. Knowing they were right but hating the advice.

I was just thinking recently how different it is now. How at peace I am now with everything. Took me a bit longer then most but I got there. And the wait, the struggle, the pain of it all I hope I always remember it for the things that it did for me. How it made me stronger.

Great post.