Sweet & Sour

First of all, THANK YOU to all of you for your sweet and thoughtful comments on my last post. I couldn't believe it when I had over 20 comments with only a couple people commenting more than once. :) It's really great to know there are so many other people out there who "get it" and who can relate so well to the ups and downs of this whole process. You guys rock!

Some of the other adoptive parents with our agency have organized an adoption support group for adoptive families in our area. Hubby and I attended a meeting for the first time back in early June and today I went to a second get together. Michael had to work so I went alone, which was admittedly a little awkward at first. Luckily my new friend, Paulina was there and she made me feel very comfortable. She and her husband were in the pool of waiting families when I met them back in June, and today I got to meet their three-month-old baby girl. They were great, and they let me hold precious little M. all afternoon, which was very therapeutic for me. I'm so happy for this new little family!

All totaled there were about 20 people there, all but two of whom had their little ones in tow. On one hand it was really affirming to see so many families that have been formed through adoption, but it's also odd because looking around and seeing all the other people who have already been matched while we're still waiting is a little bittersweet. Having said that, it's comforting to know that they have been chosen through the same process we're going through, and we will too someday. And I also know that we will be matched with the baby that's right for us--that after it happens I will look back and say I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Logically I know that.

This whole journey is just plain hard sometimes. Try as I might, I can't squelch my feelings of intensity related to this birth mom we just found out about. I've told myself time and again to remain calm and not over think the situation. In reality though I've already day dreamed myself into motherhood...I've got my imaginary room decorated and favorite names picked out! What will happen come Friday (or after) is anyone's guess, this I know. The logical part of me knows it could go either way and the emotional part of me...well, yeah...she's in a completely different world at this point. In one respect I want Friday to be here NOW so I can know what's going to happen one way or the other and at the same time, I want to freeze-frame time right now so I don't have to deal with the disappointing news that we weren't chosen this time, if that should be the case. I'm definitely rambling, but I guess I'm feeling a little off kilter today and I'm trying to make it all make sense. What else can I say?



P.S. Thanks also for the comments on my new page layout. I had lots of fun decorating it using Debblie's Instructions, though I did have to enlist the help of my hubby a few times for the HTML coding part. :)

Praying for Peace

I just received an email from our agency letting us know there is a birthmom who will be looking at our profile (as well as several others I'm sure) next Friday, October 3. I know very little about the birthmom, except that she is 18, having a boy and due in December. As far as I know this will be the first time our letter has been shown since becoming active in the pool. Please pray for this birthmom as she prepares to make this huge decision. I am praying that she finds peace and comfort with our agency, and that she is able to make a decision that will put her mind at ease.

I have no idea when or even if we will be updated on this situation, but I'm sure I'll have to blog about it if we are. :) I feel nervously excited, but I also realize there are a number of different potential outcomes with this and I shouldn't be getting my hopes up...

Twice Tagged

Thanks to my friends, Bri and Nancy for the tags. Better late than never, right?! :)

FIVE WAYS BLOGGING HAS AFFECTED ME:

Here are the rules:
1. Write about 5 specific ways blogging has affected you, either positively or negatively.
2. link back to the person who tagged you
3. link back to this parent post
4. tag a few friends or five, or none at all
5. post these rules— or just have fun breaking them

I have a feeling my post is going to get long, so before I start, I'm tagging:

Eileen
I was going to tag Karen, but she has much bigger fish to fry, check it out!!!
Dave
Jessica

So...five ways blogging has affected me? As Nancy pointed out, being tagged serves as a great way for us to be able to share more background information about ourselves, thereby deepening the connections we've formed. That thought leads me to my first response, which is exactly that, connection. I remember a time (not that long ago) when I was literally craving a link to other people with whom I could talk about adoption. My blog started mostly as an outlet for me, and a way to record our story as it unfolds, but it has become so much more than that. I love the fact that I am seeing families being formed through this blog. People I never would have met IRL that have now, almost magically, affected me in ways I never could have imagined. So to all of you I have connected with, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Second, I would say relief. Sometimes this whole adoption thing can get a little too intense, and reading other blogs lightens that up a bit. Whether relief comes in the form of humor, comfort, friendship, or just simply being able to relate so well to what others are feeling and experiencing...all of these things and more...sort of save me from myself at times, if that makes any sense.

Third, I am surprised by how much I've come to rely upon the advice and support of other pre adoptive and adoptive parents. The many comments I receive on my blog help me to clarify and make sense of some of the complicated and challenging aspects and decisions encompassed in this journey. From simple pondering like when to buy a car seat, to much more complex and involved discussions, such as whether or not to breastfeed an adopted baby; and figuring out exatly what the right words should be for our future birth mother...I imagine my anxiety level would be through the roof without this support system.

Fourth--and this is a negative one, my level of productivity (especially around the house) has plumeted since I discovered this loevely blogging community. Bri pointed out once that she's hopelessly addicted, and I have to share her confession. I log on sometimes, thinking I'm simply going to check my blog and then, all of a sudden two hours (or more) has flown by! In fact, right at this moment I'm looking out our sliding glass door at the grass blowing in the breeze. Yeah...I should NOT be blogging right now!

Last but not least, I would say blogging has provided me with a sense of belonging that I've needed for a long time. I can sometimes have a tendency to isolate myself, or not ask for the support I need. That was especially prevelant during our infertility phase. I felt so alone all through that--and I didn't feel I could really bring it up with my friends and family all that often. I guess I had more of the "suffer in silence" mentality. All I can say now, is thank God for the written word, and for my writing abilities. I've always kept journals, but blogging has been even better than the paper journals I still keep. Blogging comes with strings attached, and with the ability to truly let go and be myself all at the same time. All I can say is that's been really, really good for me.

Picking out a new one...

I haven't been able to decide whether to blog about this peculiar little incident or not, but it's finally gotten the better of me.

On Monday night, after a somewhat long and lonely day at home, I was at the grocery store. I was shopping and minding my own business when, out of the blue, a little girl of about three ran up under the handle of my cart and said, "mommy...mommy...mama" as she stood there. Needless to say, I was taken aback. I smiled at her and said, "sweetheart I'm not your mommy, do you know where she is?" About that time her dad came around the corner and (in a jovial tone) asked what she was doing. She said "finding mommy" in her sweet little girl voice and then he said, "or picking out a new one there?" That was it...I laughed and they went on down the aisle while I stood there.

I was smiling on the outside, but also feeling...I don't know...a little sad I guess. After that I kept seeing this little family throughout the store, though we didn't exchange any further words. I saw the mommy the girl had been looking for, and strangely she looked nothing like me. I'm sure I'm reading way too much into this one small happenstance, but maybe it was meant as a small reminder that my time is coming?

Normally this wouldn't have been a big deal, but right now, with where we are in the process, and how I've been feeling lately...it hit home for me in a big way. That little girl has no idea of the impact she left on me...no idea how very much I long to hear a little voice calling me mommy for real. The whole experience was only about two minutes long and yet it's one I doubt I'll ever forget...

I thought...

...waiting would get easier when I got a little busier, but so far it hasn't. Of course school just started, so distraction may yet prove to be the balm I need. The funny thing is, no matter how busy I am or how many other things I'm doing, I'm always thinking about adoption, and about our future baby in a low-grade back of my mind sort of way. I long to talk about adoption, and yet right at this moment there's not much to say.

When I'm at school or out and about, I hope people who know me will ask me how things are going, or that strangers will ask me personal and intrusive questions (that usually annoy me) so I can tell our story. Is that weird or what? Maybe it's just that there's nothing much to do when it comes to baby right now (short of decorating our nursery which I'm NOT doing yet) so I want to talk...who knows?

I received a card in the mail from some friends of ours that moved away just over a year ago. It was a simple card with an adorable baby on the front and a "congratulations on being in the pool" message on the inside, very sweet. Then, a few days later, my sister gave me (or rather her future nephew/niece) these adorable puppy baby booties, and some knit caps for my birthday this year. I cried both times, because it felt so good to be acknowledged as a prospective mother in that way. Short of wearing a cheesy shirt announcing our paper pregnancy (which I actually contemplated,) there is no way for others to know the inner joy and excitement I feel right now. We don't know when or how, but we do know we will be parents and that is thrilling!

I don't even know what this blog entry is about, except that I wanted to write this morning and I'm trying to think of things to say. I guess I'm still coming back to the idea that all this feels a little fake and a little unreal, even though I AM overjoyed about our paper pregnancy.

Somehow I feel left out of the mix and hubbub of excitement regarding impending motherhood. I'm not thought of as a pregnant woman by most people, but in every non-physical sense that's exactly what I am. I realize pregnancy is largely physical, so I get that people might not see the need for acknowledgment for me right now...and I'm not expecting anything from anyone. I guess it's just that I would like to be acknowledged...maybe I'm hungry for a similar kind of attention that I see lavished on the pregnant women around me? Although I do have to say that I'm 100% OK with not having complete strangers walk up and rub my belly...it would be nice for others to know and to understand where I am...and where my heart is now.

Me...with a baby registry?

YEP! We did it, we went to BRU and registered yesterday. I have to be honest, I share many of Rebekah's thoughts on the awkwardness of this experience, but I'm still glad we went. The conversation with the registry clerk was only slightly odd. She was very nice and good at her job, details and all. I felt comforted by the fact that adoption was listed on the paperwork, that was an affirmation of sorts. The weirdest part was when we had to make up an "expected arrival" date because the computer won't accept a TBD date. I chose April '09 out of the blue, and then she had to give us the schpeel about how registering early can mean you'll have to make more updates because products change... The thing is...we're NOT registering early! We're not registering early and we're not registering late, we're just registering since we have no idea WHEN our baby will make his/her grand entrance. They really should have a way to leave the arrival date pending for people like us! I don't want to spend too much time reiterating the thoughts from my previous post, but did I mention I am VERY frustrated by all the unknowns of this waiting process? The only other weird thing was all the VERY pregnant women we were sharing the aisles with. Pregnant women don't bother me anymore, they honestly don't...but it was a little odd to look around and realize I was the only one without a huge bump in front.

All that aside, I DID manage to convince hubby to park in the "expectant mothers" stork parking spot, even though he was reluctant at first. I told him you guys would all be mad at me if I didn't park there since we've sort of made a point of it and all. hehe...so here's a photo that might make you smile, I couldn't resist:


We did pretty good up until the bedding section, which was problematic because there was honestly nothing there that either one of us really loved...plus if I'm being honest, I still sort of have my heart set on a round baby bed, even though husband doesn't get my fascination with them at all. We'll see what happens! I'm sure I'll add to our list off and on, especially once we learn more about who/when our baby will be, but for now we've got the basics on our list, and I feel slightly more like a real expectant mother, if only slightly!